Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 i'm Christian and waiting till marriage for sex so I need to be able to tell if a guy is serious or talking to me to see if eventually he can take my virginity. Is it possible for the guy to do all the things of a serious guy would do but all be fake? I usually tell guys at the beginning when they try to date me so they'll go on to showing serious intentions such as texting constantly, taking me out regularly to nice restaurants, flowers etc. And no matter what type of fight and difficult it gets they keep trying and trying but then they end up not trying if I fight with them or break up from a fight as opposed to before when they would. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 You watch men's actions and do a little detective work on their old relationships. If you don't want to have sex till marriage, by all means go for it! Uphold that principle. Remember however, that it may be difficult to find male virgins. Watch their actions and stay with a man long enough to know how he is after the infatuation fades. That's crucial. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 But that didn't really answer the question :/ so that means if they do all those things they were truly infatuated with me? I unfortunately haven't been able to pass the infatuation stage since the two of my short term relationships ended in 3 months. Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I agree with Garcon, actions speak louder then words. A guy can say whatever he wants but at the end of the day his actions will determine his true intentions towards you. It doesnt matter if a guy is a virgin or not I dont think, what matters is that he respects what YOU want and is willing to have that type of relationship because it will benefit you both. When you find that guy you will just know. Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 But that didn't really answer the question :/ so that means if they do all those things they were truly infatuated with me? I unfortunately haven't been able to pass the infatuation stage since the two of my short term relationships ended in 3 months. Well truth be told its probably going to be harder to find a partner because most guys want to have premarital sex as part of a relationship. You want to be on the lookout for religious men or those with similar value systems to your’s. Otherwise you will have a lot of trouble finding a longterm partner. I would suggest a church group or cristian dating site. Those would be great places to look for potential mates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Youre not understanding what I'm saying or asking about. I'm not trying to look for a virgin. I"m saying the two relationships I've had I've told them I wasn't going to sleep with them and was waiting until marriage. The issue was not discussed further they did all of the actions i've stated above and they try to make up after any argument fight every time but then they don't and lasts about 3 months. How do I know if they were serious about me? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Your only realistic option is to date Christian men who have saved their virginity for marriage, which is going to be a very small percentage of men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 None of these answers are answering the question Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Youre not understanding what I'm saying or asking about. I'm not trying to look for a virgin. I"m saying the two relationships I've had I've told them I wasn't going to sleep with them and was waiting until marriage. The issue was not discussed further they did all of the actions i've stated above and they try to make up after any argument fight every time but then they don't and lasts about 3 months. How do I know if they were serious about me? I think I was a little unclear what you were asking about. It was confusing the way the post was worded. I am unsure anyone really knows how serious a relationship is after it ends...usually I go by how often a guy contacts me, if he says I love you, if I have met his family/friends/kids (if he has any), if he is reliable, if he is there for me emotionally and physically, basically if he seems integrated into my life. If he doesnt then I know he’s not that serious. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 so basically you want them to spend money on you but you won't reciprocate until marriage? wtf Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 So your concern is they are not chasing you after you start a fight or dump them? Good men will walk away after being dumped. Most men will walk away when they are not getting sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) i'm Christian and waiting till marriage for sex so I need to be able to tell if a guy is serious or talking to me to see if eventually he can take my virginity. Is it possible for the guy to do all the things of a serious guy would do but all be fake? I usually tell guys at the beginning when they try to date me so they'll go on to showing serious intentions such as texting constantly, taking me out regularly to nice restaurants, flowers etc. And no matter what type of fight and difficult it gets they keep trying and trying but then they end up not trying if I fight with them or break up from a fight as opposed to before when they would. Some of the guys start out with good intentions, thinking they can wait. But guys get horny and fall to temptation. It's obvious you haven't found that guy yet. What you are doing right now is the only way. Date them and see what happens.That's it, unless you can read their mines, you have to just go through the process until you find your prince. If I were you, I would simply kick them to the curb the minute they try and convince you to have sex. No sense in fighting about it. No one wins. And no, the right guy won't walk away because he honors your wishes to stay pure until marriage. I agree with the other poster, you need to stick with Christian men who have the same belief system. Dating an average guy is like trying to go up a raging river without a paddle. Edited February 12, 2019 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 I"m sorry I think i didn't word my question properly. The fights are not about sex and neither of them have tried to convince me or even discuss the topic. The fights arguments are unrelated topics. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 So your concern is they are not chasing you after you start a fight or dump them? Good men will walk away after being dumped. Most men will walk away when they are not getting sex. Walk away after knowing...?? I tell them from the beginning it's not like i try to lure them in then tell them.. and this is 3 months in Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I"m sorry I think i didn't word my question properly. The fights are not about sex and neither of them have tried to convince me or even discuss the topic. The fights arguments are unrelated topics. The fights are a reality check. From the guy's perspective, not only is he having to go a LONG time without sex to wait for marriage, but if there's any difficulties on top of that it's going to be very tempting to walk away. Sex creates a bond. By not having sex, guys you've been dating several months are going to be less attached to you than they'd otherwise be. They're going to see no sex as a big negative, not feeling as close to you as they have to other girlfriends as a big negative, and fighting over something is the last straw. They'll think that maybe this relationship isn't giving a reward commensurate with the effort. So either the effort stops or the relationship does. This is the reason you'd be better off dating guys with similar values - they won't be making the same judgement calls. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Is it possible for the guy to do all the things of a serious guy would do but all be fake? The answer to this question is a qualified YES, in that some men will have dated long enough to achieve emotional manipulation. That's the downside of dating. What you'll have to do is observe their actions. Date amongst religious people who share your values (Tim Tebow the football player is an example). Be ready for sex to be extremely uncomfortable because you haven't ever tried it till marriage, and be ready to sort it out in a relatively levelheaded way. The most concerning thing I see is that you've had multiple fights in the span of your two short relationships. If I were dating you and I found that out, I would find it to be a big turnoff. The mature man you seek will not tolerate this kind of fighting - you'll need to pledge to have level headed arguments with all your future dates no matter how much you feel the urge to go I'm Right and He's Wrong. You can't win all your fights, and he can't either, but you really have to know the value of fighting fair. Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 The fights are a reality check. From the guy's perspective, not only is he having to go a LONG time without sex to wait for marriage, but if there's any difficulties on top of that it's going to be very tempting to walk away. Sex creates a bond. By not having sex, guys you've been dating several months are going to be less attached to you than they'd otherwise be. They're going to see no sex as a big negative, not feeling as close to you as they have to other girlfriends as a big negative, and fighting over something is the last straw. They'll think that maybe this relationship isn't giving a reward commensurate with the effort. So either the effort stops or the relationship does. This is the reason you'd be better off dating guys with similar values - they won't be making the same judgement calls. Agreed. She needs to find a guy with similar values. An abstinent relationship is not for everyone unless you have those same values. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Well first guy was same tradition and he was looking for a virgin to marry so it is same belief system. Second one bought me really nice gifts, made me soup, woke up very early like 5:30 and drove me to test location waited 7 hours for me to take my exam, bought me 800 MCM bag, nice gifts for my birthday, took me to nice expensive restaurants. The first guy constantly texted me, took me out to restaurants we talked about marriage we constantly fought and argued but he always made up then when I broke up last time he had given up. So that's why i ask how do I know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annatinli Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 The answer to this question is a qualified YES, in that some men will have dated long enough to achieve emotional manipulation. That's the downside of dating. What you'll have to do is observe their actions. Date amongst religious people who share your values (Tim Tebow the football player is an example). Be ready for sex to be extremely uncomfortable because you haven't ever tried it till marriage, and be ready to sort it out in a relatively levelheaded way. The most concerning thing I see is that you've had multiple fights in the span of your two short relationships. If I were dating you and I found that out, I would find it to be a big turnoff. The mature man you seek will not tolerate this kind of fighting - you'll need to pledge to have level headed arguments with all your future dates no matter how much you feel the urge to go I'm Right and He's Wrong. You can't win all your fights, and he can't either, but you really have to know the value of fighting fair. So you're saying it doesn't mean that they were serious with me? Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Well first guy was same tradition and he was looking for a virgin to marry so it is same belief system. Second one bought me really nice gifts, made me soup, woke up very early like 5:30 and drove me to test location waited 7 hours for me to take my exam, bought me 800 MCM bag, nice gifts for my birthday, took me to nice expensive restaurants. The first guy constantly texted me, took me out to restaurants we talked about marriage we constantly fought and argued but he always made up then when I broke up last time he had given up. So that's why i ask how do I know? Those are just compatibility issues. You are on the right track, just need to find the right combo. Its hard. Also read some books and articles on how to improve your own communication style. This helped me immensely after my divorce to improve my conflict resolution. Remember it takes two to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 The only way to know if a man is serious is if over time he consistently shows loyalty and trustworthiness. All the nice things they do for you in the beginning of a relationship mean they are interested and like you, but it does not represent investment and love yet. 3 months is not long enough for any man to be invested enough in you to tolerate fighting and extra stress. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 So you're saying it doesn't mean that they were serious with me? What's more likely is they found you appealing in the beginning, and then they talked about sex - and they found out you want abstinence plus you are somebody who likes to pick fights. Not saying you are, but it probably came across that way. Those two together would put most people off of dating you. Two serious downsides to dating from the perspective of a single dating man. To find a truly serious man, look in the religious community and also pledge to never let your temper get a hold of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Just because they ended does not mean that the men were not serious. For many men, myself included, three months is a long time to remain celibate. The only way you can possibly reach your goal is to find someone as deeply committed to no premarital sex as you and hope for the best. However, you said you don't care if he's a virgin. I would suggest that you should care. A man willing to wait until after marriage is very rare, at least in westernized countries these days. But a man that has had sex and is willing to be put back on the shelf for whatever the arbitrary amount of time is to fall in love and get married is truly a rare find these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 First of all, the fact these guys lost interest in you does not mean they loss interest because you want to remain a virgin until marriage. Relationships break up all the time at the three-month mark for nothing to do with sex ... just conflict ... emotional incompatibility ... lack of common interests ... different personalities ... and a combo of some of the above. You're defining "Christian" in a very specific way. So you should own that ... Most people who define themselves as "Christian" don't necessarily think being a virgin until marriage is what the faith is all about. Heck talk to Catholic Christians these days and half of them think the whole celibacy vow for priests is part of the cause of the sexual abuse scandals ... along with the priesthood being open only to men. So you need to find guys who are "Christian" in the sense that YOU mean Christian ... So I assume you're part of a kind of community ... maybe guys within that community ... And yes, you want to mention your principles by the end of date #1 ... but you want to talk about holding onto your virginity in the larger context of being a Christian in the sense that you define that term. Even so, things might not work out ... You should be able to gauge the reaction of a guy (you can get better at this) ... when you first tell them about your virginity commitment. You want zero resistance ... zero hesitation ... likely, you need a guy who says, "that's what I want as well!"--says that with enthusiasm. Any hesitation means it's not going to work with this person. There are two Christian authors (and counselors) who write (they write separately and together) incredibly well about relationships ... They write a lot about dating and marriage and all of that ... John Townsend and Henry Cloud. They have youtube videos ... their own website ... and their books are so good (while drawing on Christianity) that non-Christians find their ideas helpful as well. Go find them and listen and read. They talk a lot about how to "screen" for the right types of people. Part of what they counsel is to be really open really early on ... Their book, Boundaries in Dating, is addressed to your specific topic, and it's excellent. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I"m sorry I think i didn't word my question properly. The fights are not about sex and neither of them have tried to convince me or even discuss the topic. The fights arguments are unrelated topics. Well then it's all part of dating...you date, find out if you are compatible for the long haul or not. If you are not getting along, then you are not compatible or able to understand each other. It is what it is. Like I said, you keep dating until you find the right one. No one has crystal ball abilities, so that is why we date. Link to post Share on other sites
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