boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I am new here and need some assistance. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are both divorced (both divorced 2 years). I am 36, he is 45. We both have kids, his are 24 and 13, mine are 5 and 7. We don’t live together and if we did live together someday it will require one of us to relocate as we live about 40 miles apart. The other challenge is that he lives in a really rural area which would be an issue for me given that I cant drive due to my disability. He knows this but says he cant move or he’d lose custody of his son. So that means 5 years when his son leaves for college. I’d be willing to wait that long for the right person..the challenge is that he’s really hesitant to even having discussions about this. He just says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but refuses to discuss any other details. Little bit of mixed messages there. Other issue is marriage. We started out the relationship by saying we were both open to remarriage in the future but wanted to take things slow (being that we were both newly divorced) but then he started changing his tune a few months in (when things got more serious) and said he didnt know about marriage but wanted a long term relationship for sure. My instinct is that he doesnt want marriage or marriage with me or both. I asked more questions over the weekend about his ex wife and he told me they dated for 3 years prior to getting married and then she gave him an ultimatum (which I didnt know). He’s a great boyfriend and I don’t want to lose him but I feel so torn between what my head wants and my heart wants. I am not a crazy desperate girl wanting to get married..I have already been married and I know its not easy. I am not taking this lightly. I think I just thought I would have another chance one day and I feel like thats gone. Not sure how to get over that. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 So you are going to settle for a BF that lives 40 miles away, rather than find a husband that moves mountains to start a new life with you? You are giving up so much.... you are going to regret it. IMO that is too much to sacrific for a guy you have only known for a year and a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Look at the possibility And assume it's reality And ask yourself if you can accept Say he decides he doesn't want to get married again. Can you accept that? If the answer is no then you should leave 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 So you are going to settle for a BF that lives 40 miles away, rather than find a husband that moves mountains to start a new life with you? You are giving up so much.... you are going to regret it. IMO that is too much to sacrific for a guy you have only known for a year and a bit. I’m not sure..everything you are saying sounds so true. I am trying to balance wanting him vs what I want as far as a relationship goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Look at the possibility And assume it's reality And ask yourself if you can accept Say he decides he doesn't want to get married again. Can you accept that? If the answer is no then you should leave I have been asking myself that. I feel really caught in the middle because I don’t think I can accept it but when I imagine not being with him I dont like the idea of that either. Neither option sounds appealing to be honest which is why I feel so torn. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I have been asking myself that. I feel really caught in the middle because I don’t think I can accept it but when I imagine not being with him I dont like the idea of that either. Neither option sounds appealing to be honest which is why I feel so torn. Look at it this way...how you feel for him is the short term...you will get over him and move on. As for marriage and commitment...that's life long. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 yea, this guy isn't gonna cross the finish line. you should concentrate on your kids and bring them up properly and then date when they are grown and off to college 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Look at it this way...how you feel for him is the short term...you will get over him and move on. As for marriage and commitment...that's life long. Yeah, except I don’t want to let a really good guy go and end up with some jerk. Its really hard to find a decent guy out there. Its a lot harder to date after divorce and with kids and an ex husband. Its not the same as when you are 25 and free as a bird. I agree that marriage and committment is lifelong but finding the right partner is a lot tougher now too. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Ah scarcity mentality He better be great girlie That very mentality is what can keep you stuck in a dead end abusive relationship So when you say great I really hope you mean it smh Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Ah scarcity mentality He better be great girlie That very mentality is what can keep you stuck in a dead end abusive relationship So when you say great I really hope you mean it smh I have been in an abusive relationship and I was very stuck. I will never feel like that again. He’s not abusive. He is great. I am sure there are other great guys out there too. I think I probably need to talk to him if I am this conflicted. He’s worried to because he asked me over the weekend if I would ever leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Which is more important to you: a relationship with this man or marriage? You have the relationship already--he sounds committed enough for where he's told you he is emotionally and what he's got on his priority list as far as his child is concerned. However, if you want more, then you're going to have to get with the fact that more may not be with him--and you already know nothing is going to happen for 5 years--- that's a long time to wait on an answer that's 50/50 at best working out the way you want it. I think you need to be honest with him because what are you going to do if he tells you he has no intention on marrying you or anyone else, but he's cool with being in a long term relationship a la Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 yea, this guy isn't gonna cross the finish line. you should concentrate on your kids and bring them up properly and then date when they are grown and off to college This is the best idea I've seen on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Thanks for the input everyone. You have given me lots to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 What is your reason for wanting to marry again? That is something to really think hard about. For me, there is no reason to ever marry again. I'm in a relationship that I hope is very long term, but there is no reason to legally marry, at all. None. I'm never going to get married again. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 How do you meet up with him if you can’t drive? How do you get around? Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 What is your reason for wanting to marry again? That is something to really think hard about. For me, there is no reason to ever marry again. I'm in a relationship that I hope is very long term, but there is no reason to legally marry, at all. None. I'm never going to get married again. You are right. I did give this some thought and its not the security because I know he loves me and wants to be with me long term. Its more that I have a very traditional value system and I feel like its a huge stigma just being divorced (my ex husband asked for divorced) so to potentially live with a partner long term with my kids is something that I have always felt so “against” I guess. I know this is different because I was already married and I am not having anymore kids and we are happy so who cares if we are married. Its mostly getting over my own stigma and judgements about myself. The bottom line though is that I really only want to be with my boyfriend, nobody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 How do you meet up with him if you can’t drive? How do you get around? We alternate weekends based on which weekend he has custody of his son (I go to his house and stay the weekend when he has his son, he comes here on weekends when he doesnt have him). He does all the driving, plus helps me run some errands on the weekends. He is so sweet. Because I have Epilepsy I qualify for a shuttle service called Rabbit Transit but they only operate on the weekdays during the day and thats when I have my boys (ex husband has custody every weekend) but a few times I have been able to take Rabbit Transit to his house to help him out. I also use uber and I live in a pedestrian friendly town so when the weather is nice I can walk places. I also do grocery delivery and order stuff online so I dont have to go to stores much. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Its more that I have a very traditional value system Assuming you stayed together long term and accumulated the assets and obligations couples do over the course of decades, there's obvious advantages to being married. Also boymommy, if your disability makes it more likely you'd be the stay-at-home partner, it puts a value on your role in the relationship... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Just a practical consideration. He already has an adult kid and a teenager. It would be a lot to be married to someone with two small kids and who doesn’t drive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boymommy Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 Also boymommy, if your disability makes it more likely you'd be the stay-at-home partner, it puts a value on your role in the relationship... Well sure, I agree with that and I currently do collect Social Security Disability and am a stay at home mom. That won’t change. Just a practical consideration. He already has an adult kid and a teenager. It would be a lot to be married to someone with two small kids and who doesn’t drive. I have considered this fact as well. I told him really really early on that the boys and I were a package deal and since his kids were older we would wait until we were sure it was going to be a permanent relationship before he met them. He met them at 6 months. Also I am pretty independent in the way of getting around and getting what I need considering I cant drive and have two kids. I do understand what you mean though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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