milkyskinn Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Hello all, new to this forum! Hope this will be a good place to find some helpful advice now that I’m back in the dating world. So a little backstory on this one. This guy and I clicked- right from the beginning. Conversation was natural, and we just generally liked each other. I came out of a pretty rough long term relationship where my self confidence was significantly damaged- so it usually takes a while for me to realise when I’m attracted to someone, and then almost ‘allow’ myself to be, because I always feel like they’re either already taken or not interested in me anyway. But the way it was going, I realised he might actually be interested- but we were both very careful since we work in the same company. Not the same department, so usually we don’t see each other all day. But we do have to work together sometimes, although another person in the team could become my go-to if things were to go south. Eventually we finally admitted we liked each other and started going out. And it was great - long conversations about anything and everything, and your usual- going for dinner, seeing a movie. After that we hung out at his place a couple of times. Which, when we finally had privacy, inevitably turned into a lot of cuddling, make-out sessions, and eventually sex. And then, just at the point where I felt comfortable and it was just ‘great’- he completely changed overnight. He cancelled our next date the night before it was supposed to happen (and I was supposed to stay over) but it was messy and vague and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. We talked after work the next day, and he said he felt like it was going too fast, and like it felt more like we were friends because the last couple of times we just hung out at his place and did what we liked. (We’re both not big on ‘going out’ except for eating, haha) I didn’t get a clear answer why he suddenly felt like this. I asked him how else he imagined a relationship- if he’d rather date someone with complete opposite interests- or if I said anything that scared him about the speed of it. We mutually agreed when we started dating we didn’t want to get ‘super serious’ for quite some time, and I made it clear that I simply was and wanted to enjoy my time with him, and I wasn’t asking him to give anything up for me. We’re both busy and very into sports, and it was nice that he actually respects my lifestyle in that regard. The only thing I had asked him if he was still seeing anyone else, which he said he wasn’t. (Which isn’t a weird question if you’re in bed with someone?) I gave him space for a couple of weeks, but now he says he just feels friendship ‘for the moment’. I’m completely heartbroken because I was getting to that point of falling for him, and I hate how vulnerable this makes me. I’m not sure what to do or what to think. He said he’s struggled with himself emotionally for a while (he’s been badly hurt in a past relationship too, and the girl he was in love with turned out to be dating his entire team at the time) and he has a hard time expressing himself. I talked long and hard with him two times and although he opened up about some of these issues some, it still doesn’t explain how you go from the way we were - great chemistry and all over each other - to just friends? I also have my baggage, and I the few times we had sex, I was still struggling to be completely comfortable with him because I have been physically and emotionally abused by my ex, and I told him that - and I really hope that that isn’t the reason he wants to go back to being friends. He's been dealing with some issues with physical intimacy himself and said he doesn't necessarily feel the need for it all the time. I have told him I needed some time before I can be his friend, but I’m not sure if I can actually do that. He says he had/has feelings for me, but his wall is up so high I don’t know what to think, and it doesn’t happen that often you find someone you naturally mesh so well with- I have a hard time simply putting an end to it. Going back to being friends might be for a while, but it might also be for good, and I have no idea what he’s thinking. What would be the best way to go here? Try and be his friend and see where it goes? Somehow go completely cold turkey and not even try? Has anyone else ever had this happen to them? I feel like yes, this can happen if you’re long term friends first, but we didn’t really have a ‘friendship’ before, it was way too flirty and tense to be called a friendship before we spent time together privately. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Dont be his friend. That's insulting and will only hurt you. Move on Find a man that wants you Next time a guy pulls the "I am not sure about you" "I don't know what I want" "im thinking we can be friends" say ok and leave cold turkey. Dont ask questions. Don't ever linger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 We mutually agreed when we started dating we didn’t want to get ‘super serious’ for quite some time, and I made it clear that I simply was and wanted to enjoy my time with him, and I wasn’t asking him to give anything up for me. When you both mutually agreed to not get 'super serious' for quite some time he felt you were getting too serious about him too soon. You admit that you are falling for him. He probably realized this and his feelings for you weren't matching yours for him. That is what dating and getting to know someone is all about, finding out if you're compatible and whether chemistry builds. I notice this quite a bit with women telling guys they aren't looking to get serious but then they do. At this point you are correct that you can't be his friend because you have feelings for him. It's best to back off and not engage him in any way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 #1 "He's been dealing with some issues with physical intimacy himself and said he doesn't necessarily feel the need for it all the time" ....so listen to him then! #2 "I have told him I needed some time before I can be his friend, but I’m not sure if I can actually do that" ....you will have to, according to quote #1 look, take some deep breaths, get real, and put your own needs away, just for now, and wait for him to set the pace and tone Link to post Share on other sites
Author milkyskinn Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Dont be his friend. That's insulting and will only hurt you. Move on Find a man that wants you Next time a guy pulls the "I am not sure about you" "I don't know what I want" "im thinking we can be friends" say ok and leave cold turkey. Dont ask questions. Don't ever linger. The double-sided feeling I have is I do think we'd be great as friends- if I can ever shut my feelings off and not be physically attracted to him. I'm wondering how he feels we can do that while he said he does still find my physically attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 The double-sided feeling I have is I do think we'd be great as friends- if I can ever shut my feelings off and not be physically attracted to him. I'm wondering how he feels we can do that while he said he does still find my physically attractive. Men find many of their friends physically attractive but it is the emotional connection that hooks them. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 The double-sided feeling I have is I do think we'd be great as friends- if I can ever shut my feelings off and not be physically attracted to him. I'm wondering how he feels we can do that while he said he does still find my physically attractive. I'm going to need you to stop worrying about how he feels. Can you be friends without feeling sad then do that but you also said you could be not so serious and look where that led you. Super sad falling for him. Move on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author milkyskinn Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Men find many of their friends physically attractive but it is the emotional connection that hooks them. That was actually already there long before we got physical. We could be quiet comfortably for unsaid amount of time, or talk till 5 in the morning. There was this weird sense of understanding without needing to say anything and sometimes it was quite scary how he'd see seemingly right through me- and so did I. He said, when we were talking, it scared him how he could tell me these things while being afraid to admit some of them to himself. I'm starting to think that the emotional vulnerability has actually sparked the panic (hell it scares me), since he has shut himself off completely so suddenly- but I could be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Being friends with him will not benefit you in the least. He isn't going to want you back. Move on. The only opportunity you are missing out on is meeting someone who is willing to give you 100% and doesn't have emotional baggage.Dump this chump. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 You don't have to decide what to do right away. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. So maybe you can be friends in the distant future but for now you need your space. Just tell him that's where your head is at right now. It's basically too soon for you to be friends. I think you could be cordial as you do work together but don't do the friend thing until you are comfortable. Hard to tell what he really feels or if he will change his mind. You should proceed as if he won't and this is your best chance plus you take care of yourself with this way. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 "we didn’t really have a ‘friendship’ before, it was way too flirty and tense to be called a friendship before we spent time together privately" In this case, going back to being "friends" is just about him putting you on a shelf for when other options are dried up. He will up the ante again at some point when he's horny and then fade off again. It's going towards FWB, I'd say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Letting a man friend zone you that you want yet don't want you is like the worst 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author milkyskinn Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 You don't have to decide what to do right away. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. So maybe you can be friends in the distant future but for now you need your space. Just tell him that's where your head is at right now. It's basically too soon for you to be friends. I think you could be cordial as you do work together but don't do the friend thing until you are comfortable. Hard to tell what he really feels or if he will change his mind. You should proceed as if he won't and this is your best chance plus you take care of yourself with this way. Good luck I already told him that Sunday. The funny thing is, now that *I'm* the one distancing myself and putting my walls up, he keeps seeking me out at work to talk about every little thing in person while I'm trying my best to physically avoid him by using email/chat. It's definitely a lot harder when you still see each other every day... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author milkyskinn Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 "we didn’t really have a ‘friendship’ before, it was way too flirty and tense to be called a friendship before we spent time together privately" In this case, going back to being "friends" is just about him putting you on a shelf for when other options are dried up. He will up the ante again at some point when he's horny and then fade off again. It's going towards FWB, I'd say. It's funny, because he has been in a FWB situation pretty long before, longer than any of his 'relationships' I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author milkyskinn Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Letting a man friend zone you that you want yet don't want you is like the worst I haven't had that happen to me AFTER sex- or actual dating in general. I've never been this confused about someone before Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Most of the time it's about him finding a better option or an ex whether it was a GF or someone he had dated has come back. Tip: it is never wise to date a co-worker or work related person. When things end you are stuck seeing them all the time. BTW when a guy friend zones you, you are a back burner girl. He's just keeping you on the hook as an option. It's not a good place to be. Edited February 13, 2019 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I already told him that Sunday. The funny thing is, now that *I'm* the one distancing myself and putting my walls up, he keeps seeking me out at work to talk about every little thing in person while I'm trying my best to physically avoid him by using email/chat. It's definitely a lot harder when you still see each other every day... ahhh ha, well that's part of the little plan & what i meant when i said "it's your best chance. Of course, when the REAL possibility of losing you is looming and in his face and you don't allow his attempts at friendship, it's the best way to get him to face what he is giving up. If he gets what he says he wants and still to be close with you, knowing you like him etc, and the ego boosts involved while you are there pining, it's not likely to turn around. It's good that you told him that you can't be friends now---now stick to it. Why does he get to decide what happens to you? As you said, there is another work contact you can use to communicate or do your business through, utilize that person. Distance yourself. I repeat it is your best chance. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 And if he's been in a FWB thing longer than a relationship that might tell you something about where his head is at--that he doesn't see himself in a relationship at least in recent years. Be different. Not the girl that allows him to be FWB or whatever version he is trying to play out on you. You want a relationship so don't give him friendship hoping for a relationship, especially when he backed out of what could have been one. Act like someone who deserves better so you can CLEARLY convey your value to him. Girlfriend material. If he still doesn't see you as his girlfriend material, he is either not into having a relationship or not having one with you so you don't what to linger on either one of those options. You want to do what will get you what you want and need and are worth. Can he step up? TBD but not if you let him do his back and forth on you. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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