Maybe the end

[ZA Dater]

...of my dating career.

 

If you can call it that.

 

After having zero success I decided a few years ago to try the alternative and that being to on some occasions try and get some physical experience.

 

Imagine my amazement when I matched with a very, very attractive Croatian lady, 31, here on holiday, imagine my further surprise after a few hours chatting she wanted to come over.

 

I mean what could possibly go wrong with this...

 

In short everything, I simply couldn't make anything happen with her, her body language was good, she was playing with her hair, she was smiling at me but I simply didn't know how to make a move, eventually she got according to her "uncomfortable" and I took her to the apartment she is staying at. "I don't think we are going to see each other again".

 

Nothing I can type here can express how absolutely hopeless I feel, I simply DONT KNOW HOW to get even this to work, any other guy she would be in bed with him right now. I simply wont ever get someone this good looking ever again or its highly unlikely. Give you an idea she told me guys at a club wouldn't approach her....

 

What am I doing this to myself for? What am I hoping to achieve with this? Very, very clearly I cannot make this work for whatever reason, when a situation as rare as this comes along it still falls flat.

 

Honestly I am at the point of just paying but morally I cannot do that. It just seems the extremely rare times I do have an apparent win I seem to mess it up somehow via inexperience.

 

Lets be honest I didn't read this wrong, meets me at 12.30am at my place, apparently she was only coming for a drink. Why meet me at all if she didn't consider sleeping with me.

 

Instead now I sit with the same ugly matches I always, get, even seeking arrangement isn't much better.

 

Someone tell me this is worth while because right now I don't think it is.

[elaine567]

After having zero success I decided a few years ago to try the alternative and that being to on some occasions try and get some physical experience.

Imagine my amazement when I matched with a very, very attractive Croatian lady, 31, here on holiday, imagine my further surprise after a few hours chatting she wanted to come over.

I know you do not want to do it but in this "cold" situation you NEED to drink alcohol. Never going to happen otherwise, as you are too inhibited, too in control, and frankly too scared to make a move...

Alcohol relaxes you, loosens you up, gets rid of inhibitions, gives you courage and makes you feel sexier... nature then takes its course...

[ZA Dater]

I know you do not want to do it but in this "cold" situation you NEED to drink alcohol. Never going to happen otherwise, as you are too inhibited, too in control, and frankly too scared to make a move...

Alcohol relaxes you, loosens you up, gets rid of inhibitions, gives you courage and makes you feel sexier... nature then takes its course...

 

I think I am just done to be honest. Clearly there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Quite how I managed to get her to ever come over was astonishing, they might be torrential rain tomorrow.

 

She had had two drinks before she arrived so the outcome was even worse actually. I keep thinking being nice is enough but I don't have anything else to try and sell with, I keep thinking they will make a move, she did say she wasn't going to do anything but what sort of girl comes over at that time to sit and talk.

 

People tell me "oh move on it happens to me all the time" well it doesn't, they bed these pretty ladies or have in the past and I cannot even win at something that was so winnable.

 

 

It was the same with the yoga girl, dropped her off at her place after a party, walked her in, gave her a hug and I left. Another guy would have again turned that into something.

Edited February 10, 2019 by ZA Dater

[elaine567]

She had had two drinks before she arrived so the outcome was even worse actually. I keep thinking being nice is enough but I don't have anything else to try and sell with, I keep thinking they will make a move, she did say she wasn't going to do anything but what sort of girl comes over at that time to sit and talk.

...a naive one perhaps...

[ZA Dater]

...a naive one perhaps...

 

"I wait to see if the guy shows me and then I show him" Fresh out a 9 year relationship she is so I suspect some guys are going to have a lot of fun while she is here on holiday.

 

As usual I wont be. As usual I have the same crappy matches I don't want. There are times I wish I could throw the phone against the wall in pure irritation. Going to an actual club doesn't help because again what I like it taken and well if I cant make a win out of this how on earth am I going to pick someone up at a club.

 

Hopeless, this entire situation is best described by that word.

[Rayce]

Have you consider hiring someone? Think of is as someone to teach you how to be more comfortable and help you to gain some confidence. It would be totally private and no one would need to know.

[elaine567]

"I wait to see if the guy shows me and then I show him" Fresh out a 9 year relationship she is so I suspect some guys are going to have a lot of fun while she is here on holiday.

Maybe you need to take the pressure off and take small steps. This girl came round to yours so you needed to make the goal to just hug her and kiss her. You are probably not going to see her again so what does it matter if you get no further.

Next girl hug, kiss and make out...

Next girl...

...you get the idea...

[ZA Dater]

Maybe you need to take the pressure off and take small steps. This girl came round to yours so you needed to make the goal to just hug her and kiss her. You are probably not going to see her again so what does it matter if you get no further.

Next girl hug, kiss and make out...

Next girl...

...you get the idea...

 

 

 

At the rate at which I meet people I actually "want" that could take a decade or more.

[ZA Dater]

Have you consider hiring someone? Think of is as someone to teach you how to be more comfortable and help you to gain some confidence. It would be totally private and no one would need to know.

 

 

 

I have looked but the idea of riding a bike doesn't appeal to me at all, especially when there are none I consider attractive.

 

 

Also I don't think that's the answer here either. Clearly this is something I miss or something I don't know how to do which means this never ever works out.

[elaine567]

At the rate at which I meet people I actually "want" that could take a decade or more.

No, not recently, you have had quite a few dates...

[ZA Dater]

No, not recently, you have had quite a few dates...

 

Not really. Nothing that could work, none of them liked me even slightly.

[Garcon1986]

If you want to go towards a solitary life, go seek it out with fervor. We can't hold you back.

[some_username1]

At the rate at which I meet people I actually "want" that could take a decade or more.

 

You've met 3 such women in the last month alone- the Swedish woman, you were interested in the yoga teacher and now this one. 3 women a month is 36 in a year- I'd kill to go on dates with 36 women that I'm interested in full stop let alone in the space of a year!

[guest569]

Hey ZA, sorry it didn’t work out how you had hoped. But is having a beautiful woman come to your house progress, regardless of the outcome? I still think you have come a long way. It’s hard to say whether it’s worth it or not, I’ve wondersd the same. But I think it is. Dating has extreme ups and downs in my experience but I have had some nice memories from it.

 

Could you share some more details about how the night went? So she came to your place at night. Did you offer her food and drink? Movie? Ask what she wants to do? When she said she was uncomfortable, did you ask why and how you could make her feel more comfortable? What sort of conversations did you have? Did you do anything else at all? Sometimes a card or board game can help loosen you up, since you don’t want to drink. There are several ways to break the ice! Most of this stuff is learn and not natural, so no there is nothing wrong with you. I think you just need more practice, and this experience counts towards that. I doubt there are only 2 kinds of women out there - hideous and supermodel. I do think you’re a handsome guy and you can attract them. Just have to work on relaxing and helping your date to relax too.

[alphamale]

maybe you're gay and don't know it?

[chillii]

Lordy Lordy what a damn waste.

ln a word and totally for free, "anxiety", it just killed what sounds like the best thing ever come your way.

l've got two suggestions and l know you won't take any notice of either butttt.

Either go spend a packet on a decent and recommend shrink specializing in anxiety.

Or go spend 10 bucks on a few beers , keep them in the fridge and have one or two an hour or so before before the next one.

Personally , l'd take the beer any day.

 

ps , actually there's an option c , seems as we all know how much you love shrinks and a good drink. Go buy some happy pills , not too happy , just something mild.

There, l've just fixed your love life and l've changed my mind, that'll be 10 bucks.

Edited February 10, 2019 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

Lordy Lordy what a damn waste.

ln a word and totally for free, "anxiety", it just killed what sounds like the best thing ever come your way.

l've got two suggestions and l know you won't take any notice of either butttt.

Either go spend a packet on a decent and recommend shrink specializing in anxiety.

Or go spend 10 bucks on a few beers , keep them in the fridge and have one or two an hour or so before before the next one.

Personally , l'd take the beer any day.

 

ps , actually there's an option c , seems as we all know how much you love shrinks and a good drink. Go buy some happy pills , not too happy , just something mild.

There, l've just fixed your love life and l've changed my mind, that'll be 10 bucks.

 

Seriously I do enjoy your posts like this. It is what it is I guess. People ask me why I compare to other guys, it's simple they can do what I seemingly can't.

 

Would alcohol have helped I don't know, my whole game is wrong, being a good nice person isn't enough really.

[MaleIntuition]

Seriously I do enjoy your posts like this. It is what it is I guess. People ask me why I compare to other guys, it's simple they can do what I seemingly can't.

 

Would alcohol have helped I don't know, my whole game is wrong, being a good nice person isn't enough really.

 

Being a good and nice person is a bare minimum - if that’s all; no it really won’t get you very far.

 

She gave you the feedback though, she got uncomfortable; so how exactly did that happen?

[Logo]

It could take just one good experience and all the pieces will fall into place and you'll get it.

Here is what you need to keep in mind, when a woman is coming to your place at 12:30 at night, it means one thing.

 

Your job is to tell yourself that you're the hottest ***** since (insert most handsome male celebrity you can think of).

 

Sit wherever you want and ask her to join you there. YOU are in control. Be gentle, but be in control of the situation. Play with her hair, look into her eyes, lean in to kiss her and take it from there.

 

Keep telling yourself, "I've got this. I'm confident. I'm calm. I'm cool."

 

If she is still around, you could still get her to come over, just make it sound like it's something fun or cool or new that you want to show her. Be excited about it when you talk about it. But not overly excited.

 

Lastly, be creative. The minute you get stressed, your brain will shut down and you will not know what to do. So relax.

[guest569]

More info please

[ZA Dater]

It could take just one good experience and all the pieces will fall into place and you'll get it.

Here is what you need to keep in mind, when a woman is coming to your place at 12:30 at night, it means one thing.

 

Your job is to tell yourself that you're the hottest ***** since (insert most handsome male celebrity you can think of).

 

Sit wherever you want and ask her to join you there. YOU are in control. Be gentle, but be in control of the situation. Play with her hair, look into her eyes, lean in to kiss her and take it from there.

 

Keep telling yourself, "I've got this. I'm confident. I'm calm. I'm cool."

 

If she is still around, you could still get her to come over, just make it sound like it's something fun or cool or new that you want to show her. Be excited about it when you talk about it. But not overly excited.

 

Lastly, be creative. The minute you get stressed, your brain will shut down and you will not know what to do. So relax.

 

I did the whole sit down thing and her body language appeared good. Better than her English actually.

 

She doesn't want to see me again, she does seem me as the let's sleep with him guy.

[ZA Dater]

Keep telling yourself, "I've got this. I'm confident. I'm calm. I'm cool."

Lastly, be creative. The minute you get stressed, your brain will shut down and you will not know what to do. So relax.

 

 

 

Problem is I don't have any experience so its impossible to be confident and being creative isn't one of my fortes either. What I tend to do is over think and that leads to me sometimes saying some really stupid things.

 

 

My whole approach to women is very much, accommodate them and be nice to them but don't be domineering over them in the hope that make them be nice to me.

 

 

Lastly I just come across as very awkward, I did last night and I think she did not like that.

 

 

I have this issue all the time, weigh up the want for experience with the need to feel less lonely, it seems though I cant accomplish either of those.

 

 

What did not help here was her limited English and he looks which frankly intimidated me to some degree.

[JuneL]

When you’re alone with her at your place, did you have sexual thoughts? There’s a concurrent thread about guys having sexual thoughts on friends. Perhaps you just don’t think of women in a sexual way?

[ZA Dater]

When you’re alone with her at your place, did you have sexual thoughts? There’s a concurrent thread about guys having sexual thoughts on friends. Perhaps you just don’t think of women in a sexual way?

 

 

 

That was the sole reason I invited her back. My problem is there is no signal that suggests ok kiss me.

 

 

I think I am going to go back to a few of these arrangement business type dates again, maybe that's the short term solution.

[MidwestUSA]

Have you considered a decent enough looking 40something for the same thing? A take charge cougar with no further expectations than one night (or two, or three?)

 

Let her show you the ropes, then take what you’ve learned into the age bracket you’re aiming for. After reading here for years, I think I may have missed that calling, for which there’s a very obvious need. My one experience was a blast; not sure why I didn’t think to make more of a hobby of it.

 

Que sera sera.