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Newly separated man, awesome weekend... then this.


mustanggsally

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mustanggsally

36 year old separated man in the middle of divorce vs a 26 year old with no past baggage. We met via a dating app, lost touch for a few months, and got back in contact. He was in town, so we met up at a bar, he kissed me. And he stayed with me Fri-Sun while I was his +1 for his weekend event Saturday and Sunday. Things were... excellent. I was genuinely hopeful, as he came on strong. He goes home Sunday night, sends me a "thankyou for everything this weekend and talk tomorrow" text, and then I don't hear from him the next day. So I reach out and end up with this:

--

Some cursory banter, then I ask if I can ask him a question.

 

Me: I feel like you didn’t find what you were looking for here. Am I on the money with that?

 

Him, 38 year old divorcee: I think so..

 

I’ve forgotten how difficult dating is. I’m bad at it I’m not sure I even know what I want. All weekend I had a beautiful smart girl who wants to take care of me and help me but I still wasn’t satisfied or uneasy about things. And I don’t know why. If it’s still too soon after my separation to start seeing someone or if it’s the stress and uncertainty of my career or where I’m going or the difficulty of dating when I have a son. So many factors come into play right now. I’m not sure I have enough of my **** figured out to give myself to someone right now.

 

If we were to date, we would only see each other like 2-4 days a month, my schedule doesn’t allow me to commit more time than that. With work and my son, my animals here. You need more attention and time and affection than I have to give right now. I know, I’m sorry , I talked a big game but when it came time to be serious about a relationship I had a million things running through my mind and I didn’t know how to sort through it all. Still don’t.

 

I’m glad your straight with me.

 

It took me by surprise having someone who just met me being so accommodating and helpful and caring to me it kinda had me in a daze almost. I’m not used to that. I’ve been married but on my own for so long with someone who has very little emotional connection to me that it was overwhelming to have someone that was in to me.

 

Me: Well, i understand those things about you and still don’t mind. I feel pretty vulnerable & used right now, but I’m grateful for the adult/mature response.

 

Him: I don’t want you to feel that way. I like you a lot. I just don’t think I can give you what you need and deserve right now. For some reason like I told you I’m never satisfied but I don’t know what I want.

 

It was good this weekend and easy. You helped my stress (not just sexual) you took care of things for me your intelligent and an incredible cook and we have lots in common and have fun together. I don’t know why I’m pumping the breaks. I don’t know if I feel guilty finding someone else so fast after 10 years of marriage. I don’t know, I thought I was ready for a relationship but maybe I’m not there yet. I honestly don’t have an answer right now. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

 

I just don’t think I can give you all you need at this time to give you a solid effort in a relationship. I think I still have a lot of “me” to work on before I can have a serious relationship with anybody. That’s what I learned about myself this weekend. I didn’t mean to hurt you and for that I’m sorry.

 

Him again: I’m sorry. I didn’t plan to feel this way I was all in when we met it was only sunday that I was getting worried that I couldn’t give you what you need and deserve. That I thought I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship

 

Me: You didn’t really ask me what I want. I’m not sure where you pulled that information from.

 

Him: You kept telling me you were needy. You want sex everyday or you feel like things are going wrong. You need encouragement and your asking me what you can do for me all the time. It put me in panick mode as why does this beautiful smart girl want to do so much for me. I don’t get it. You kept talking about that it gives you purpose.

I do t understand you should have so much confidence your smarter than 95% of people out there, everyone wants to be your friend, your beautiful you don’t need anyone to reassure you about anything you got it all. If I’m not certain I’m ready for someone like you I don’t want to date you and be the same dicks that took advantage of you as your ex’s did. Maybe I should of said more Sunday morning when my head was clearer that I couldn’t give you what your looking for but I honestly liked spending time with you and it wasn’t just the sex. I didn’t want to hurt you. I still don’t.

 

And [him] again: You had 125 plus guys in your phone that like you I guess it just makes me wonder what do you see in me when you can have anyone you want. I don’t get the app dating. I may come off in charge and confident but I have everything I could to a woman who in the end didn’t blink an eye to walking away. Someone who had 13 years to get to know me and didn’t care to. So I just have a hard time believing or seeing what someone’s true feelings or intentions are. I like you but I push away from you. I see myself doing that. Maybe because I’m trying to protect my heart. Im not sure.

 

Me: I get it. I felt/feel the same way about you, lol. But **** it, we are all adults and it doesn’t hurt to be straight and not play games, right?

 

I’ll be patient with you if you decide you’d like to see me again.

 

Him: I know that’s what scared me is I couldn’t give you 100% of the same intentions back. And you don’t deserve someone only 75 percent in

 

Him again: Aghhh .....I wasn’t prepared or planning on having this conversation today. I was trying to get prepared for my job tryout today. Plus I had lawyer meetings. You’ve been on my mind all day but I didn’t want to get into it. But you asked and I didn’t want to leave you hanging either.

Me: I know. I feel super ****ty bringing this up; I am sorry for the bad timing, it’s kind of selfish. It was just hurting, is all, and I wanted to understand.

 

Him: I know

I understand

I don’t want you to hurt I feel awful.

I just don’t know what to do or how to approach this right now

 

Me: How about you get to a place after your job interview, and some of the things you need to clean up, and when you have a free Friday or Saturday I’ll drive out and meet you in Town? I’d love it if you’d keep in touch in the meantime. This stuff is hard, I have some idea what you’re going through. I also didn’t want to assume anything (even when my heart was like YOU GOT PLAYED GIRL!) because I don’t think that’s who you are.

 

Him: okay. But I’m sorry I really need to get some sleep now, that interview is in the morning.

Me: okay. Goodluck tomorrow.

 

--

I don't know how to take this, and my heart hurts pretty badly. We went way too fast by him staying here a full weekend, but I was willing to give it a chance to help him out. He came on so strong, and then whiplashed like this; can anyone shed some light?

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You said it yourself -- things went way too fast. Plus he's in the middle of a divorce, so likely has no desire to jump into another relationship or get involved with someone. He was out to have fun.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Please don't beg this guy to be your friend or to stay in touch. Your best move now is to put it in the past and move on.

 

Him: You kept telling me you were needy. You want sex everyday or you feel like things are going wrong. You need encouragement and your asking me what you can do for me all the time. It put me in panick mode as why does this beautiful smart girl want to do so much for me. I don’t get it. You kept talking about that it gives you purpose. I do t understand you should have so much confidence your smarter than 95% of people out there, everyone wants to be your friend, your beautiful you don’t need anyone to reassure you about anything you got it all. If I’m not certain I’m ready for someone like you I don’t want to date you and be the same dicks that took advantage of you as your ex’s did. Maybe I should of said more Sunday morning when my head was clearer that I couldn’t give you what your looking for but I honestly liked spending time with you and it wasn’t just the sex. I didn’t want to hurt you. I still don’t.

 

Also, it sounds like you blasted a lot of insecurities on him that would scare almost anyone away. It stopped being "fun." Rather, you got clingy and needy (and even told him so!) which made him start to wonder what was wrong with you. Don't do this in the future. He even decided while he was with you that this wasn't going any further.

 

And again: You had 125 plus guys in your phone that like you

 

Why and how does he know this information?

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mustanggsally
Why and how does he know this information?

 

He asked to see my tinder account, so I flicked it over to him to see how insane matches are for women vs men. I didn't have anything to hide in there.

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I agree with Clia.

 

There's a few things going on here:

-Separated men are usually emotionally unavailable

-Coming on strong right away isn't necessarily a good thing - tends to not be based on reality. A slow build is usually better.

-Too much too soon - you spent the whole weekend together after reuniting which is a lot of intimacy and familiarity right off the bat

-You overshared your insecurities and backed that up with actions by doting on him all weekend (a man you barely know) and now continuing to chase him while he is ending things with you.

 

As Clia said you're basically begging him to date you and willing to accept crumbs to continue to spend time with him.

This communicates to him that you have no value / he doesn't have to do any work to have you, and no one really wants that.

We cherish things we have to work hard for and that don't just fall into our laps.

 

I think you'd benefit from reading a book called "Why Men Love Bitches".

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I’m not sure I have enough of my **** figured out to give myself to someone right now.

 

I talked a big game but when it came time to be serious about a relationship I had a million things running through my mind and I didn’t know how to sort through it all. Still don’t.

 

 

This is all you need to know to understand why "only separated" men should be off limits. He's not lying. It was way too soon for him and he didn't know it until it (you) was in front of his face. Unfortunately, you got stung in his learning process :(.

 

Sounds like you have plenty of other options at this point, so I would not wait around for this guy. You may even find someone who knows the difference between your and you're! ;):p

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I cannot fathom how people, especially grown adults, would have a conversation like that over text.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I cannot fathom how people, especially grown adults, would have a conversation like that over text.

 

Some people communicate more effectively in writing. Gives them time to think about how to say/phrase things.

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So he probably felt he needed to start dating and move on with his life at some point. Initially it's like...I really don't want to go through all of that again. The you meet someone that makes you realize there are other better women out there, that might fill needs your ex never felt.

 

 

So suddenly you go from one day being as miserable as you have ever been, to the next day feeling more excited than you have ever been in as long as you can remember.

 

 

At some point you do get a guilty feeling, almost like cheating on your ex. You can't explain it, but it's like everything is all great and happy and then you think, I have to accept it is really over with the ex. Even if she was horrible and you know it, you feel bad or look back and get a little sad. At some point after that, you forget about them. They kind of don't register and you are adjusted to life without them.

 

 

This guy is not at that point yet. He is not ready to go fully in and he is not at the point where his ex doesn't register and he probably does look back and feel bad/guilty for moving on from his ex. That does not mean he is not really into you, that does not mean he doesn't want to see you. What it means is he does not want to be committed to you. If he thinks about a trip he and his ex took in the past one day and starts feeling bad, he wants to hide in a bubble and not have to justify it by someone he is committed to.

 

 

From what he wrote, I get the sense he is saying he wants to be with you but knows if he keeps seeing you and knows he is not ready to commit, it is not fair to you. It's like he is saying, "I would love to keep seeing you, but if I don't commit to seeing you more than a couple of times a month, I don't want to be called out on it".

 

 

I think the only thing you can do is move on and if you really like him, don't wait around but leave the option open. He may be ready in the future but I don't think he is ready now.

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mustanggsally

I appreciate it guys, the whiplash kind of took me by surprise. I'm pretty heart-tender and did take it pretty personally, something to work on I guess.

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Until his marital mess is cleaned up and he emotionally free and clear to enter into something new, he needs to either be crystal clear that he's only in it for distraction or keep it to himself.

 

He was not ready and he knew he wasn't ready when he swiped right--no one in the middle of a divorce is ready for the new demands and emotional obligation of relationship.

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Now that he had enough self-awareness to take a pause, don't let it become a cycle with you. He's got a lot going on with his son, pets, job, divorce process, healing from a failed relationship, and dealing with his insecurities with how he measures up against other men.

 

People in this kind of life crisis can be hot on you in one moment, and go completely cold on you the next. If you let him come in and out of your life whenever he wants, then it's just a never ending push-pull-push-pull that will wear you out. Not saying he will do this, but he can end up changing his mind a hundred times before he finally figures out what path he wants to take his life.

 

I'd steer clear.

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OP, while I’m all for saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, I’m afraid you’ve been a little bit too pushy in this one text conversation.

 

After only one weekend together, you’re the one asking him if “he didn’t find what he was looking for ...... “ - just because he hasn’t contacted you for a day. That’s very forward, almost aggressive on your end (demanding an answer), and I personally would have felt pressured receiving such a text (I’m female though,so not sure you feel that this comparison is legit). You almost sound a little accusatory. And then, when he explains himself in a very sensitive way, you pressure yet again by proposing you’re going to see him on a weekend that suits him. He seems to have a lot on his plate, and therefore he should be the one suggesting future meetings for now. That’s just my opinion, and based on what he wrote, that’s what he would’ve preferred as well. I don’t think he wrote you off initially after the weekend, he just doesn’t need to have constant contact. He needs space. Unfortunately, due to the way you handled the situation in such a forward way, he seems to be on the “defensive” now. Not sure he wants to come out of this hole, or that he even knows how to.

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mustanggsally

Its genuinely helpful to get some perspective. Things felt good, and then it didn't. And I just couldn't understand his perspective; I haven't been there and I didn't want to assume the spiraling worst of "what the hell is so deeply wrong with me?" this really helps, and I'm grateful for the responses. Didn't realise my heart would hurt this bad over something seemingly positive and fresh.

 

Like most of these stories, he was hot on my tail until Sunday. Texting daily, all day, 6am until midnight. "You'll want to delete you Tinder account after this weekend!" "careful girlie, you might fall in love" "if you look after me as good as I think you want to, this cowboy will have trouble letting you go."

 

I trusted and acted on what he was saying.

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Ruby Slippers

I've never understood why women date separated / still married / legally bound to another woman men.

 

It's always been obvious to me it would be a complete waste of my time and energy.

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mustanggsally

I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.

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OP, while I’m all for saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, I’m afraid you’ve been a little bit too pushy in this one text conversation.

 

After only one weekend together, you’re the one asking him if “he didn’t find what he was looking for ...... “ - just because he hasn’t contacted you for a day. That’s very forward, almost aggressive on your end (demanding an answer), and I personally would have felt pressured receiving such a text (I’m female though,so not sure you feel that this comparison is legit). You almost sound a little accusatory. And then, when he explains himself in a very sensitive way, you pressure yet again by proposing you’re going to see him on a weekend that suits him. He seems to have a lot on his plate, and therefore he should be the one suggesting future meetings for now. That’s just my opinion, and based on what he wrote, that’s what he would’ve preferred as well. I don’t think he wrote you off initially after the weekend, he just doesn’t need to have constant contact. He needs space. Unfortunately, due to the way you handled the situation in such a forward way, he seems to be on the “defensive” now. Not sure he wants to come out of this hole, or that he even knows how to.

 

I agree!

 

OP your last message asking HIM TO MEET when he just said he needed space was so cringe.

 

Why did you do that?

 

Next time dont date guys who are newly separated. It never ends well, I know as I been there :laugh:

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.

 

Maybe the whole thing was a lie and he's still married with no intention of divorce.

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I agree!

 

OP your last message asking HIM TO MEET when he just said he needed space was so cringe.

 

Why did you do that?

 

Next time dont date guys who are newly separated. It never ends well, I know as I been there :laugh:

 

Yes. OP, please don't reach out again to this guy in any way, shape, or form. Your only response should have been "Good luck to you." And nothing else.

 

You have really lowered your value even more by offering yourself up to a man who clearly is NOT interested anymore at all. Move on and learn from your mistakes here (telling him your insecurities, allowing things to move so quickly so early on, agreeing to date someone who is only separated or so recently divorced, and appearing needy and desperate).

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Versacehottie
Its genuinely helpful to get some perspective. Things felt good, and then it didn't. And I just couldn't understand his perspective; I haven't been there and I didn't want to assume the spiraling worst of "what the hell is so deeply wrong with me?" this really helps, and I'm grateful for the responses. Didn't realise my heart would hurt this bad over something seemingly positive and fresh.

 

Like most of these stories, he was hot on my tail until Sunday. Texting daily, all day, 6am until midnight. "You'll want to delete you Tinder account after this weekend!" "careful girlie, you might fall in love" "if you look after me as good as I think you want to, this cowboy will have trouble letting you go."

 

I trusted and acted on what he was saying.

 

I wouldn't necessarily trust someone a) that you don't really know b)in the middle of an emotional upheaval like a divorce. You just need to side eye that sh*t until a person proves your skepticism wrong. That said, probably a safe blanket statement not to date still married people so you don't risk things for yourself, especially from online dating as you don't know their character and the premise itself leans toward trying to get a quick easy connection "hit". Probably one reason he came on so strong, so quick.

 

Secondly, why would you start off any conversation with any new guy as "i guess you didn't find what you were looking for" (or however you worded it). Super heavy. Also are you leaving something out? Why in the world after a so-called great weekend, would you start the first convo back with your date with that inference? Also it's more subtle but phrases in the way you worded that basically negative put yourself down, presume the negative and are not a good way to start off any serious talk. Try to at least neutralize it--would have been better to ask "what is going on" and let the person tell you what is on their mind rather than jump to the negative for them, especially if it's about yourself--like you phrased it like you aren't enough or the right person. Anyway i still wouldn't have recommended talking to him about any of this heavy stuff in light of the circumstances, how new you two are and his own personal one.

 

Ok, like the others said, please don't hang on. The guy was pretty honest and real with his feelings and in the middle part you weren't bad. However, if a person can't give you what you want (and he was pretty clear about that!), you don't try to subtly steamroll them by saying make it through your interview, week and then let's meet up on friday. Huh? it was like you didn't hear a word he said. In the long run he is doing you a favor whereas you won't waste your time. Any chasing after him you do now is on you--ie don't do it. I actually think he will come back to you if his life has settled down and sorted out possibly but not like this, not now. This could take a while like a couple of years. So you need to live you life like this isn't going to work out. Goodluck

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I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.

 

That was your red flag to leave him alone. Why did you continue?

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"36 year old separated man in the middle of divorce vs a 26 year old with no past baggage."

 

 

Don't let this guy be your future baggage. He has baggage -- middle of divorce and that will be around for a long time.

 

 

Don't date newly separated men. By nature of their situation, they can't be "all in" for a long time.

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mustanggsally

I hadn't had someone come on so strong and interested before; I just took him at his word. I won't reach out again, I made my position pathetically clear.

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Ruby Slippers
I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.

So this guy's a liar, which means he's - again - a complete waste of your time.

 

Any guy who gets involved with a woman when he's nowhere near ready to make a real commitment is automatically a waste of time.

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