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Newly separated man, awesome weekend... then this.


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 5th February 2019, 1:35 PM   #16
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I've never understood why women date separated / still married / legally bound to another woman men.

It's always been obvious to me it would be a complete waste of my time and energy.
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Old 5th February 2019, 1:46 PM   #17
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I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.
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Old 5th February 2019, 1:48 PM   #18
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OP, while Iím all for saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, Iím afraid youíve been a little bit too pushy in this one text conversation.

After only one weekend together, youíre the one asking him if ďhe didnít find what he was looking for ...... ď - just because he hasnít contacted you for a day. Thatís very forward, almost aggressive on your end (demanding an answer), and I personally would have felt pressured receiving such a text (Iím female though,so not sure you feel that this comparison is legit). You almost sound a little accusatory. And then, when he explains himself in a very sensitive way, you pressure yet again by proposing youíre going to see him on a weekend that suits him. He seems to have a lot on his plate, and therefore he should be the one suggesting future meetings for now. Thatís just my opinion, and based on what he wrote, thatís what he wouldíve preferred as well. I donít think he wrote you off initially after the weekend, he just doesnít need to have constant contact. He needs space. Unfortunately, due to the way you handled the situation in such a forward way, he seems to be on the ďdefensiveĒ now. Not sure he wants to come out of this hole, or that he even knows how to.
I agree!

OP your last message asking HIM TO MEET when he just said he needed space was so cringe.

Why did you do that?

Next time dont date guys who are newly separated. It never ends well, I know as I been there
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Old 5th February 2019, 1:53 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by mustanggsally View Post
I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.
Maybe the whole thing was a lie and he's still married with no intention of divorce.
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:05 PM   #20
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I agree!

OP your last message asking HIM TO MEET when he just said he needed space was so cringe.

Why did you do that?

Next time dont date guys who are newly separated. It never ends well, I know as I been there
Yes. OP, please don't reach out again to this guy in any way, shape, or form. Your only response should have been "Good luck to you." And nothing else.

You have really lowered your value even more by offering yourself up to a man who clearly is NOT interested anymore at all. Move on and learn from your mistakes here (telling him your insecurities, allowing things to move so quickly so early on, agreeing to date someone who is only separated or so recently divorced, and appearing needy and desperate).
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:47 PM   #21
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Its genuinely helpful to get some perspective. Things felt good, and then it didn't. And I just couldn't understand his perspective; I haven't been there and I didn't want to assume the spiraling worst of "what the hell is so deeply wrong with me?" this really helps, and I'm grateful for the responses. Didn't realise my heart would hurt this bad over something seemingly positive and fresh.

Like most of these stories, he was hot on my tail until Sunday. Texting daily, all day, 6am until midnight. "You'll want to delete you Tinder account after this weekend!" "careful girlie, you might fall in love" "if you look after me as good as I think you want to, this cowboy will have trouble letting you go."

I trusted and acted on what he was saying.
I wouldn't necessarily trust someone a) that you don't really know b)in the middle of an emotional upheaval like a divorce. You just need to side eye that sh*t until a person proves your skepticism wrong. That said, probably a safe blanket statement not to date still married people so you don't risk things for yourself, especially from online dating as you don't know their character and the premise itself leans toward trying to get a quick easy connection "hit". Probably one reason he came on so strong, so quick.

Secondly, why would you start off any conversation with any new guy as "i guess you didn't find what you were looking for" (or however you worded it). Super heavy. Also are you leaving something out? Why in the world after a so-called great weekend, would you start the first convo back with your date with that inference? Also it's more subtle but phrases in the way you worded that basically negative put yourself down, presume the negative and are not a good way to start off any serious talk. Try to at least neutralize it--would have been better to ask "what is going on" and let the person tell you what is on their mind rather than jump to the negative for them, especially if it's about yourself--like you phrased it like you aren't enough or the right person. Anyway i still wouldn't have recommended talking to him about any of this heavy stuff in light of the circumstances, how new you two are and his own personal one.

Ok, like the others said, please don't hang on. The guy was pretty honest and real with his feelings and in the middle part you weren't bad. However, if a person can't give you what you want (and he was pretty clear about that!), you don't try to subtly steamroll them by saying make it through your interview, week and then let's meet up on friday. Huh? it was like you didn't hear a word he said. In the long run he is doing you a favor whereas you won't waste your time. Any chasing after him you do now is on you--ie don't do it. I actually think he will come back to you if his life has settled down and sorted out possibly but not like this, not now. This could take a while like a couple of years. So you need to live you life like this isn't going to work out. Goodluck
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:52 PM   #22
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I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.
That was your red flag to leave him alone. Why did you continue?
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:54 PM   #23
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"36 year old separated man in the middle of divorce vs a 26 year old with no past baggage."


Don't let this guy be your future baggage. He has baggage -- middle of divorce and that will be around for a long time.


Don't date newly separated men. By nature of their situation, they can't be "all in" for a long time.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:02 PM   #24
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I hadn't had someone come on so strong and interested before; I just took him at his word. I won't reach out again, I made my position pathetically clear.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:04 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by mustanggsally View Post
I thought his divorce was final, until Sunday when he said that he had to go to the lawyers for the beginnings of divorce proceedings. Not that it helps, but my impression was it was already done.
So this guy's a liar, which means he's - again - a complete waste of your time.

Any guy who gets involved with a woman when he's nowhere near ready to make a real commitment is automatically a waste of time.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:09 PM   #26
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I hate how attached I got so quickly. I don't think its him, either, just the idea of not wanting to be rejected time and time again. And every time it happens, its a spiral. Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings. Its starting to sink in how deeply this stuff affects me. I'll leave him alone.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:16 PM   #27
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I hate how attached I got so quickly. I don't think its him, either, just the idea of not wanting to be rejected time and time again. And every time it happens, its a spiral. Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings. Its starting to sink in how deeply this stuff affects me. I'll leave him alone.
A road trip is always a good idea
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:39 PM   #28
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I have a history of dating separated/divorcing guys. At the end of their divorce, they want NO obligations or commitments for awhile. They want to rest and just have sex without dating if possible, really. He hasn't felt his freedom yet, and he will still need to do that. He's been under all this stress and trying to keep all the plates in the air. He just doesn't want to take on someone else and have more obligation and more plates in the air. Part amicably, date other people. In three years, he may think of you again or be ready to commit again, or not.

And piece of common sense I wish someone had told me: When they're in the middle of having relationship problems with someone they built a life with, they certainly don't want any more relationship problems; hence, no real relationship. One mess at a time.
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Old 5th February 2019, 4:58 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by mustanggsally View Post
I hate how attached I got so quickly. I don't think its him, either, just the idea of not wanting to be rejected time and time again. And every time it happens, its a spiral. Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings. Its starting to sink in how deeply this stuff affects me. I'll leave him alone.
This is your real issue. Get strong and clear with yourself. Then you'll be far less susceptible to the charms of unsuitable men.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:00 PM   #30
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Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings.
No reason? Are you at least visiting someone? That is a long way to drive just to run from feelings......which will just hitch a ride anyway....
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