Hopeful30 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) Ive been single more than Ive been in relationships. Since I started dating at 18 (now 30), ive been dating or in relationships for a third of the time. I just love solitude, and my failed efforts to find an authentic partner despite all these years of meeting new and different people (I've travelled to 16 different countries and numerous airports ) makes it easy to prefer solitude. It has always brought me the most peace, too. I guess the purpose of my post is this: how can I work towards being excited to date? I've gotten so satisfied within my solitude and disappointed with not meeting potential male partners. What do you think? Signed, Hopeful30 Hopeless30 Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Well maybe you need a break to reset. Probably best to enjoy your singleness while you have it and then when the urge is overwhelming (or hopefully the person) to be with someone you can be dating again. I like this "success" type saying where it says something to the effect of the frustration just means you are close and the difference between those that are successful and those that are average or have average success, not successful is only that they kept going. I would add because it's in some of the other success things is that they tweak their approach along the way, bringing them closer and closer to the "right" outcome. In this case a happy dating experience, relationship, right person for you. I do think in your case if you are this frustrated that part of the "keep going" is to know when you need a break and take it. So that you show the best of yourself to potential partners rather than blow it with good people because you are burned out OR keep having disappointing dating experiences further reinforcing whatever belief system/set of beliefs (the bad ones) that you have about dating. I think when you are ready to go on ANY date or start talking to someone, take it much more lightheartedly. Lower the stakes. Make it just about making a new friend, take the pressure off whether he is going to be the ONE. There is rarely disappointment with that attitude and just try to have fun and even if the date is terrible you will have a funny story for your friends. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Seems like you really don't know what you want, so dating is going to be more of a fail than a hit. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I guess the purpose of my post is this: how can I work towards being excited to date? I've gotten so satisfied within my solitude and disappointed with not meeting potential male partners. If felt very much like you, very content with living my life. I will say, when I met the right person, I got very excited about “dating” again... But, the actual work of meeting/screening new people... that grew tedious and painful. My advice, do it on your own terms. Put yourself out there, but don’t make it your focus. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
maxi105 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 hi there hopeful, hhmmmm...its a tricky question you pose, how to be more excited? maybe the thing is either not to try to be excited by it all but to take yourself off the market as it were, ie, maybe have a deliberate break from it and then when that date say 3 months, 6months or whatever is up, go to town and spruce yourself up, get a new outfit or and haircut/trim maybe if your adventurous get a glamerous wig (or wear your hair in a totally different way) and play with a unexpected but flattering or daring new look so you can go into your usual bar/club or favourite place and see if people you know recognise you straight away, do the men there notice you and smile, that might be fun...although wigs are not cheap, but its just a crazy idea and what I am really saying is if you maybe abstain, then go for it you might make yourself feel a million dollars and have a bit of fun excitement in the process as you will feel special. of course there are no guarantees you will meet anyone, but I think dating is about feeling like you are ready to shine, presenting the best of your emotional mood, being in a place or environment you feel happy, you like the music or atmosphere and feel anticipation but safe in. so maybe if you let your hair down and be a bit creative in where you go, if you always go to a bar on the west side, try a bar on the east side etc... I also wonder whether your travelling a lot has ironically helped to dampen your excitement as it may be that all that eager cultural exposure, buzz when things get moving at airports, filling your senses with lovely views, foods or other travellers having fun in throbbing nite spots and lovely sunsets etc...has made your sense of wow factor seem a bit dimmed in the real world when you get back home? I think you sound like a genuine person so im sure you will at some point meet someone that makes you think more deeply about a future with them (and they look forward and think about you too). but often it really does happen for many people when they are not looking, thats often when you meet that other person who has a real spark...the biggest problem i can imagine as you get older is that more and more people that you do like are either with or fancy others, or worse are married!!!!; but hey, its nice to be admired even if they are a no go situation. but good luck with this, I think you probably haven't lost the excitement you think you have, it may be that your choices are not as plentiful as they were when you were between 18-25, but that's not to say there wont be other guys that come along and get your heart beating....and I bet when the guys you think wow about do ask you if you'd like to date to see how it goes...your heart will race and you will be dancing around the place trying on a billion outfits to look as good for them as you can and in great EXCITEMENT!!!.. so let us know when you get your sparkle again...as im sure you will do. ok, so all that travel has made you comfortable in your skin, I wouldn't worry too too much about your own company if it isn't becoming a real problem for you and you haven't lost your knack altogether of actually talking to people, but I am sure that you will really shine when you can do those exact same things that you have done on your own - with someone that feels the same way as you do.... so good luck, I hope you find your excitement again, but if not. maybe try and balance out that level solitude over the not meeting people a bit more conciously, as it might also be that when you are wandering around in your chilled out confident bliss out zone...you are sending out an impression to others without even realising it that you are so happy so confident that you don't require company?!!! ok, its a few more ideas for the pot from me, so get cookin gal.i feel an exciting time ahead of you!!!! best wishes, maxi. ps....I think you ought to change it back to hopeful and wait and see and enjoy the new you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 How about you just NOT worry about it and go with the flow? Life is not all about relationships. If you enjoying being alone, then why bother with so much effort in forcing yourself to like dating? Just because most people fall for the trap does not mean that you have to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 you have to throw in the towel and then he will come to you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 If felt very much like you, very content with living my life. I will say, when I met the right person, I got very excited about “dating” again... But, the actual work of meeting/screening new people... that grew tedious and painful. My advice, do it on your own terms. Put yourself out there, but don’t make it your focus. Thank you you have to throw in the towel and then he will come to you How exactly does one do this? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 How exactly does one do this? just stop dating for a fixed amount of time, you may get a different perspective on things Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) You're going to find most people are a waste of time and there are very few who will be worth it if you're looking for quality. And you have to accept it. If you don't feel excited about dating it's because dating is not all it's cracked up to be and you can't blame yourself. You already go for long periods of being single and when you're not you discover being alone is better... that's very understandable. Relationships are hard. There's no real answer to this. The dating game will never get any easier. For you it will probably never be 'exciting.' Edited February 3, 2019 by Fair 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 just stop dating for a fixed amount of time, you may get a different perspective on things Remember, having a relationship is only one part of your life. Given, it I should a lovely part of life... it is only one part of life. As you grow older, you will learn that your life has many chapters. Not everyone has everything they want, in every chapter of their life. Some will meet the love of their life, only to lose them to divorce or death. While others search for years, only to find the love of their life later in life. It is entirely possible to create a very happy life, while waiting to meet the person with whom you will share a relationship. That is the thing to strive for... keep looking and be open to possibilities. But, your happiness should not depend on whether you have someone special in your life, or not. Bloom where you are planted! Best wishes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 If you don't feel excited about dating it's because dating is not all it's cracked up to be and you can't blame yourself. No, it most definitely is not all it’s cracked up to be. “Dating,” once your have found someone you are interested in and who is also interested in you, is wonderful! “Dating,” or weeding through the masses, when you are searching for that special person, can be soul crushing. That is not fun, and a necessary evil sometimes if you are trying to find “your person.” The thing is, once you have found “your person,” it is quickly forgotten... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 By dating do you mean the process of finding someone? I think dating is fun but the part where you start to invest and feel attached is not fun. I’m in my mid 20s and I’ve been single for three and a half years (with some exclusive dating here and there). I must rather be like now, “struggling” in dating but happily single, than going back in a bad relationship. I think it’s much better to just go out and get to know people; without the intention to date. I met guys this way and even tho they didn’t work out in the end, theh were good experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 It's simple. If you are not looking forward to dating, not excited about dating then stop dating for a while. Why do you continue to do something you don't like? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 You're going to find most people are a waste of time and there are very few who will be worth it if you're looking for quality. And you have to accept it. If you don't feel excited about dating it's because dating is not all it's cracked up to be and you can't blame yourself. You already go for long periods of being single and when you're not you discover being alone is better... that's very understandable. Relationships are hard. There's no real answer to this. The dating game will never get any easier. For you it will probably never be 'exciting.' Wow this is uplifting:roll eyes: Ok yeah, not this. Sorry Fair. I completely disagree. While dating might be hard at times, you want to have a good attitude to be attractive to others, create the best relationship etc. If you are not, you will likely be frustrated, bitter and in danger of settling big time. So yeah if you are not in a good place right now, take a break, work on being social in general, hobbies and career. And go back to trying when you are in a better place. I don't agree that throwing up your hands and commiserating with others make you more attractive to others OR have the personal momentum to try again with real, positive effort. So be careful of being a dating complainer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 It's simple. If you are not looking forward to dating, not excited about dating then stop dating for a while. Why do you continue to do something you don't like? I haven't been on a date in years. Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 You're going to find most people are a waste of time and there are very few who will be worth it if you're looking for quality. And you have to accept it. If you don't feel excited about dating it's because dating is not all it's cracked up to be and you can't blame yourself. You already go for long periods of being single and when you're not you discover being alone is better... that's very understandable. Relationships are hard. There's no real answer to this. The dating game will never get any easier. For you it will probably never be 'exciting.' I would agree with this 90% dating is just a giant pain in the ass with little return for the amount of time and effort exerted. So many crappy people that just waste your time... Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I don't know if anyone can make oneself excited about dating. Are you happy alone? I think being too happy alone makes dating difficult. I think people need to feel somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. For me dating lost much of its charm by age 30. It seems like a lot of work for littlke in return. Usually in other areas of life when I've worked hard, I have benefited to some degree. I couldn't say that for my dating life by and large. I've also spent most of my adult life single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyLove Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Wow this is uplifting:roll eyes: Ok yeah, not this. Sorry Fair. I completely disagree. While dating might be hard at times, you want to have a good attitude to be attractive to others, create the best relationship etc. If you are not, you will likely be frustrated, bitter and in danger of settling big time. So yeah if you are not in a good place right now, take a break, work on being social in general, hobbies and career. And go back to trying when you are in a better place. I don't agree that throwing up your hands and commiserating with others make you more attractive to others OR have the personal momentum to try again with real, positive effort. So be careful of being a dating complainer. I completely agree with this and at one point I felt just as you did. I then joined Meetup.com and met a really great group of girlfriends and it made a huge impact on my mood and life. I was so excited to meet up with them once a week to do things such as tea parties, arcades, movies, shopping, hollywood tours, Vegas....so when I decided to get back online to date my out look was different and I attracted a really great guy!! Maybe you could try something like that? Or you can start your own meetup group and just focus on meeting new people in general. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 I don't know if anyone can make oneself excited about dating. Are you happy alone? I think being too happy alone makes dating difficult. I think people need to feel somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. For me dating lost much of its charm by age 30. It seems like a lot of work for littlke in return. Usually in other areas of life when I've worked hard, I have benefited to some degree. I couldn't say that for my dating life by and large. I've also spent most of my adult life single. Reg. bolded - Exactly! I've always felt the same way. I don't like being alone. I would much rather be in a committed relationship. But considering what kind of men have been available for relationships, so far being alone has always been the better choice Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I don't like being alone. I would much rather be in a committed relationship. But considering what kind of men have been available for relationships, so far being alone has always been the better choice I know a lot of decent guys with good jobs and personalities who can't find a decent woman. Somewhere the is a disconnect...both groups need to lower their standards just a little bit Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 I know a lot of decent guys with good jobs and personalities who can't find a decent woman. Somewhere the is a disconnect...both groups need to lower their standards just a little bit I relate to what you're saying, but I dont think it's only standards. You're spot on about the disconnect though. For me personally, I know ethnicity plays a huge role. I don't understand Canadians and their mentality. I'm eastern European, men there are very different and dating is much easier (although finding the right person is just as difficult, but it seems to happen sooner because everyone is always dating). I also don't mind traditional gender roles, but seeing as how most men here want equality, they treat women like their dude friends, which i also have a different view on. There's nothing sexier than a man who apologizes for swearing because a lady is in the room. For some reason many western men see this as weakness or submission, which is both hilarious and mindboggling at the same time. Just as an example. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Is there an eastern European community in Canada? Maybe meetups or something like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 (edited) Is there an eastern European community in Canada? Maybe meetups or something like that? Recently I've been socializing with a slightly younger bunch, only by a few years and all in different phases of their lifestyle. I admit that I feel more "grown up" in this group, specifically with my goals and experiences. It's about investing, building, developing. The men here are just discovering themselves. It's not their time to build a life + career, family. Those a few years older have settled with longterm partners, most with young children now. I find myself in an awkward in-between where I've settled single. It would be nice to look forward to dating, but it's hard to do when the available selection doesn't seem compatible. I've expanded my circle here and there, maybe I'm doing it wrong? Plus I'm 5'10, which works against me. Men prefer shorter women. Edited February 8, 2019 by Hopeful30 Link to post Share on other sites
Tagalz Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 I guess the purpose of my post is this: how can I work towards being excited to date? I've gotten so satisfied within my solitude and disappointed with not meeting potential male partners. What do you think? Signed, Hopeful30 Hopeless30 Try using dating apps and don't just swipe right. You could watch dating videos on YouTube if that helps you to be more excited Other than that go to meet-ups or you could date someone at work, but start going out as friends first. It sounds stupid but I think it's a risk you should try since you're 30. If I'm guessing right you do want to establish a family at this stage of your life. or atleast have a boyfriend. So take that risk girl! Link to post Share on other sites
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