I love two guys?

[ohso]

I'm in a happy healthy relationship where nothing is missing and everything is great, perfect. I'm lucky to have such a nice boyfriend.

 

But I am also in love with other guy, my ex. I can't stop loving him after 4 years since we broke up. He loved me a lot, but he wasn't the right for me. I left him. I wanted much more.

 

I know for a fact my ex is not over me and he would want to be with me if I gave him a chance. But, I do not want a relationship with him, because he still can't give me all I need and want.

 

So, I'm choosing my current boyfriend. But I love my ex also.

 

It is not hurting my current boyfriend as we have a wonderful relationship. But it is greatly causing me misery. I'm thinking about my ex every day and I can't stop.

 

If I have chosen my ex, to be with him, I would be in the same situation. I would then love them both too. But I could only be with one.

 

Two of them do not want to share me and are not open for such options. To be honest, I am not into it neither.

 

What can I do about this situation?

[d0nnivain]

Remind yourself that you broke up with your EX for a reason. Also look at all the reasons a relationship with him wasn't working. Now stop romanticizing him.

[central]

Different people fill different needs and roles in our lives. Exes can sometimes be close friends, if the guy (/gal) in the new relationship is okay with that, has a lot of trust in you - and you have high integrity to not abuse that trust. Usually, though, these exes can't also be lovers!

 

If you are poly, and the new guy is also open to poly, then you might be able to arrange almost anything that works - for all of you. But, you say none of you are willing to share.

 

Or, perhaps, the new guy isn't really right for you - and you know the ex isn't. Maybe you need to completely move on from both, and find someone else who fills all the needs and roles at least adequately, and some fabulously.

[ShadeOfGreen]

You say you broke up with your ex for reasons that are still valid. You also say you are happy in your current relationship. That's enough logical reason to stay where you are.

 

It seems you have insight that your ex is not over you, and that neither him or your BF will share you. I take this as you are still talking to your ex. If you want to get over your ex, than it helps tremendously to stop talking to him. Cut off all contact including social media. As long as you put bandwidth into thinking about and talking to him, that's less focus you put on your current BF and relationship.

 

Four years is a long time not to get over someone. Think about ways in which you've been holding yourself back from moving on emotionally.

[DKT3]

So how much contact do you have with the ex...I find it hard to believe that you still feel that strong for someone you hadn't been in contact with...Maybe you should cut out the contract, stop looking at his social media, stop asking mutual friends about him. Whatever you are doing to keep the idealism of him going just stop.

[Wallysbears]

Honestly?

 

You don't love your boyfriend.

 

If you did? You wouldn't still be pining over and spending so much time thinking about your ex.

[DKT3]

Honestly?

 

You don't love your boyfriend.

 

If you did? You wouldn't still be pining over and spending so much time thinking about your ex.

 

I dont believe she is still in love with her ex, she is simply romanticizing the relationship high points. I'm guessing that there was something there that is not there in her current relationship.

 

But yes as the saying goes if you think you love two people then you likely love neither.

[ohso]

Thanks everyone.

I'm not judging, but I'm just not into poly, it just couldn't work out. Both of guys are possessive and so am I.

 

 

I am not in contact with my ex for 4 years since I broke up with him. I blocked him on social media. But he reached out to me a few times letting me know he still wants to be with me. I didn't give him any answer, because I didn't want to break the no contact rule, as things are already too complicated between us.

 

 

I am staying with my current boyfriend and I am not changing my mind. I do not want to be with my ex, because it was not great in the past, and he hasn't changed. I do not want to be with any other guy but my current bf.

 

But really, I've never felt like I feel for my ex for anyone, and it lasts for so long. It's weird.

 

I don't know am I romanticizing him, am I obsessed, or what? He's just stuck in my head. I can't believe I can not move on. I don't know how to stop it.

Edited January 30, 2019 by ohso

[stillafool]

This same situation happened to me once when I was young. The only solution that worked for me was to walk away from them both. I'm glad I did because later I found out neither of them were guys I would want to be with.

[doyathinkso]

You are not ready to be dating again.

 

You are nowhere near ready to have another boyfriend, unless you really like hurting people.

 

Cool it with the new guy for now. Do him that favour.

 

Wait until your mind is clear before seeing him again. It sure as heck isn't there yet.

[Lotsgoingon]

You might be taking the "in love" thing too seriously. Being "in love" is NOT a good reason to date someone. Randomly, we can fall "in love" with people who are terrible for us ... Half the abused partners in the world feel "in love" with the person who batters and abuses them.

 

You're in love with the ex who you don't want to be with and who you were unhappy to be with ... I sense this feeling of being still "in love" with a person you say you were unhappy with ... as a reflex. I get reflexes and fleeting feelings to do all kinds of crazy stuff.

 

Being "in love" is great ... it is not enough! ... not even close ... and should not be the determinant of who you seriously date. Half the time I've been deeply "in love" ... I simply got intoxicated or infatuated. You might also have an attachment issue.

 

Keep focusing, as others have said, on why you were unhappy in the first place. You would reach that unhappiness within a week of going back to the ex. There is a great Seinfeld episode where George breaks up with his gf, Susan, and then claims he misses Susan and even misses climbing the tall steps to her apartment. Jerry reminds him, "You hated climbing those steps."

 

George pushes forward, goes back with Susan, and we see him marching up Susan's steps trailing Susan. He is miserable.

 

Some feelings and thoughts are just not worth paying attention to. We don't act on our most angry feelings. You don't want to act on this "in love"--whatever that means.