Why some girls only attract wrong guys, and other girls are with healthy partners LTR

[toomanyquestions123]

It seems that all my former partners and people that i dated were extremely wrong. Each has either a mental issue or they cheat or they are afraid of commitment or they are not over their exes or sociopath or they are not really into me or they are stingy. Both my sisters have been with their partners since forever, and their partners are amazing men, very healthy, very sane and very supportive and successful. My parents love each other and my father is an amazing man also. Most of my friends are engaged or married to really healthy men also, just a few are still single and struggling in dating. So why is it me that i attract wrong men ? Is it possible that it's me who is attracting them without knowing ?

 

For example, I just cut off a guy who has major mental issues although he told me at the beginning about them and told me he is completely normal and he guarantees that, in 1 month he showed me he is not. The day i cut him off, a guy who i dated 5 years ago, was in prison for the last year for a big drug scandal that happened in the airport ( he is a police officer there and he collaborated into this ), got out of the prison and is hitting on me ?

 

So now, a former criminal is hitting on me ? Like seriously? we haven't talked in 5 years and he just got out of prison and he talks to me and asks me out?

[Wallysbears]

You aren’t having firm enough boundaries and healthy self respect enough to shut down the non-quality people immediately.

[elaine567]

You aren’t having firm enough boundaries and healthy self respect enough to shut down the non-quality people immediately.

^^Exactly

 

This most recent guy had red flags flying from day one yet YOU decided to give him a chance when most others would have ran a mile in the opposite direction.

It is nice to be nice, but you need to start looking out for number one, number one being YOU, not some guy with "issues".

[toomanyquestions123]

i understand that but why i never attracted a decent one ? is this decent one will come once in a lifetime and he simply did not show up yet?

[ZA Dater]

You aren’t having firm enough boundaries and healthy self respect enough to shut down the non-quality people immediately.

 

 

 

Well that depends if the OP has quality guys to choose from the outset.

[d0nnivain]

You will start to attract better men now that you have identified the problem. You know in the past you ignored red flags. Now you can spot them & know to avoid them. You are starting to say you want a good man / partner rather then just some warm body, any body to fill a void in your life. A healthy relationship doesn't fill holes in your life. A healthy relationship comes about when you have created a whole life for yourself & are seeking somebody to share your largess with.

[MaleIntuition]

Most likely you’ve glanced over the good men who where interested throughout the years because you have bought into the idea that interested men behave in a certain way, like your ex’s.

 

The setting itself: “attracting men”, has a very passive ring to it. It implies that your approach isn’t very proactive - but more so; reactive. Plenty of good men have no clue how to properly cold approach women, because they - like you - fear rejection.

 

Instead, focusing on how you could meet quality men. Are you participating in any group activities? Hobbies? And so forth.

[toomanyquestions123]

You will start to attract better men now that you have identified the problem. You know in the past you ignored red flags. Now you can spot them & know to avoid them. You are starting to say you want a good man / partner rather then just some warm body, any body to fill a void in your life. A healthy relationship doesn't fill holes in your life. A healthy relationship comes about when you have created a whole life for yourself & are seeking somebody to share your largess with.

 

After 10 years of dating and one failed engagement, yes i finally started detecting red flags

[toomanyquestions123]

It's like every time i meet someone new, i sarcastically ask him, so what's your complex ? I started feeling like every guy has an issue or a story and he is messed up in a way which is not true. Not all men are trash and not all men are bad, some are genuine and almost-normal and straightforward lol. I just i can't think of someone normal i dated except yeah some that i didnt really like the ones that were really into me and were genuine but they came in the wrong timing. I know what i want now, i can smell red flags and act based on them, i just hope wrong guys would stop approaching me, it is exhausting and frustrating. Anyone here who feels or used to feel the same?

[TheFinalWord]

You have to ask yourself, what do you bring to the table?

 

To be honest, a lot of women these days bring nothing but their looks to the table. Men that are high quality are going to seek out and desire relationships with high quality women.

 

If you know you are a high quality woman, with morals, goals, drive, working to better yourself, why would you even waste time talking to these men?

 

*I mean none of the above as an insult, just things you might want to ask yourself...

[stillafool]

i understand that but why i never attracted a decent one ? is this decent one will come once in a lifetime and he simply did not show up yet?

 

Then wait on him and stop giving losers attention.

[Heidi_Alot]

You have to ask yourself, what do you bring to the table? To be honest, a lot of women these days bring nothing but their looks to the table. Men that are high quality are going to seek out and desire relationships with high quality women.<snip>.

my mum never let me date and even today she doesn't let boys into our house, so no chance of me ever having a bad boyfriend but i play tennis and mix with boys/men at tennis and one of those does really bad things but not violent just rude

Edited January 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[smackie9]

You have to figure out what is repelling normal guys from asking you out.

[alphamale]

date men who have a 4-year college degree at minimum. there is a huge difference in people who are educated and those who are not

[olivetree]

It's a two-way street.

We tend to attract and be attracted to partners that are on the same emotional playing field.

[alphamale]

It's a two-way street.

We tend to attract and be attracted to partners that are on the same emotional playing field.

 

I like that terminology "emotional playing field"

[losangelena]

Well, I think you could ask yourself why you are attracted to men who are “bad” for you. Like often attracts like, so if you find that you’re attracting a bunch if unavailable dudes, maybe you are also unavailable. I had a similar revelation years ago, and that actually drove me to therapy.

 

Now, for all your sisters and friends in supposedly healthy relationships, give it time. Sure, some of those will go the distance, but statistically speaking, some of those will also end in divorce.

 

Just because your parents had a supposedly good marriage doesn’t mean that there wasn’t something going on behind the scenes. You’ve learned an unhealthy relationship pattern from someone or somewhere, so now you have to figure out how to correct it.

[preraph]

I think you're probably overlooking small transgressions that nevertheless give you a clue into the person's ethics. If someone will do something small that's unethical, it's still unethical and most people will not put up with them. For example, say you have a friend that shoplifts. "Oh, who hasn't shoplifted?" Well, people with ethics haven't shoplifted. You feel like a fool for rejecting someone or calling them out when they say or do something that seems minor, but it's reflective of lack of ethics.

[Versacehottie]

It's like every time i meet someone new, i sarcastically ask him, so what's your complex ? I started feeling like every guy has an issue or a story and he is messed up in a way which is not true. Not all men are trash and not all men are bad, some are genuine and almost-normal and straightforward lol. I just i can't think of someone normal i dated except yeah some that i didnt really like the ones that were really into me and were genuine but they came in the wrong timing. I know what i want now, i can smell red flags and act based on them, i just hope wrong guys would stop approaching me, it is exhausting and frustrating. Anyone here who feels or used to feel the same?

 

Hmmmm, ok well see your inherent belief here^^^ above bolded. Sarcasm often is just a cover for what you really are thinking/want to say, i.e. the truth of what is going on in your head. So implied in that type of question to each new guy is the internal belief that you are a)cursed in some way with bad guys, much like the tone running through your comments here b) that the guy is damaged goods or now has permission to be c) that YOU are damaged goods because of needing to ask that question, i.e. it's happened to you before/it's what you expect. Make sense?

 

So what you need to start working toward internally (there are other things externally) is believing that you will find a good guy AND that you have the power to stop dating a guy once you find out that he is not good for you or good in general. You have to believe it. And your actions in the real world will follow what you believe. It's not easy, of course, if you've been conditioned for a long time on a belief system that has you believing otherwise.

 

Simultaneously externally, look for clues in the good relationships of how your family and friends and acquaintances met what are seemingly good people, how they interact on a regular basis, etc. Start to adapt those "clues" and behavior in your own life. In your own dating life and even your regular life. Someone above mentioned weak boundaries and yeah i would agree that's typical. You can work on strengthening those EVEN IF you are not currently dating but just in other parts of your life. And then the obvious, open your mind to different types of people, try new hobbies, new friends, new ways of OLD. It may take a while but if you take deep personal responsibility to make it different, not like it's fate or be lazy or take the easy way out with a guy who is not up to standard. Just keep moving forward and you will get closer. Date as much as you can because with all the variables (attraction from both sides, timing, connection, etc) it's in part a numbers game. Good luck

[BettyDraper]

Ask yourself some hard questions about your self esteem as well as your ability to set boundaries and stick to them.

 

Make a list of non negotiable desired traits and dealbreakers for a desirable partner. That way, it will be easier to weed out the low value men whom you attract.

 

If you have an understandably negative attitude after your experiences, then that will scare off good men from dating you.

Maybe you need to take a break from dating and focus on yourself.

[toomanyquestions123]

LS community, arent you the greatest ?

 

I do have a list of 10 dealbreakers that once i notice them, i immediately walk away, the last guy i dated dealbreaker was that he was not really into me as he showed although he was showing mixed signals, his disorder was not on my list, i readded it The guy before him that i dated for 2 months used to cheat on his girlfriends unapologetically and he love bombed me and almost proposed to me in 2 months, i did now walk away with this guy, i just thought he is really into me until he broke it off.

 

I have to set stronger boundaries, i have to love myself more, focus on myself, start new hobbies, meet new people, and not take it personal everytime it doesnt work out with someone i dated briefly, that it is okay to say no to low-quality guys ! IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO !

[edgygirl]

As losangelena I’ve also recently had a revelation on why I attract emotionally unavailable men and push the ones who are available.

 

I came accross a few psychology articles I identified myself with it and hope to start therapy soon. I know I can’t diagnose myself so I’ll be seeking a professional soon.

 

It usually comes from childhood even if we don’t realize it, so will be hard to fix it myself. The problem is things like this can take decades for us to wake up and finally “see” ans find out what the issue is.

 

I feel you’re starting to see there is some issue and that’s the first step to understanding what the issue is. We cannot tell you as we don’t know you but start googling - childhood trauma creating emotional issues in adult relationships and you can see if there’s any type you identity with. Then look for a therapist that is specialized in relationship issues (and possibly trauma) to help.

[chillii]

Pretty well as many have already said. Most things in life come down to choices we make and after awhile our choices begin to look like the person people think we are, even if they were just mistakes or bad calls.

And after even longer , it's almost like a sign cross your head, even if they don't know you , it seems to show.

 

So, if you start being more careful about men you meet, more selective, holding out for a good quality guy, eventually that will become the new you.

You gotta put your foot down with this bs , pure and simple.

[toomanyquestions123]

As losangelena I’ve also recently had a revelation on why I attract emotionally unavailable men and push the ones who are available.

 

I came accross a few psychology articles I identified myself with it and hope to start therapy soon. I know I can’t diagnose myself so I’ll be seeking a professional soon.

 

It usually comes from childhood even if we don’t realize it, so will be hard to fix it myself. The problem is things like this can take decades for us to wake up and finally “see” ans find out what the issue is.

 

I feel you’re starting to see there is some issue and that’s the first step to understanding what the issue is. We cannot tell you as we don’t know you but start googling - childhood trauma creating emotional issues in adult relationships and you can see if there’s any type you identity with. Then look for a therapist that is specialized in relationship issues (and possibly trauma) to help.

 

I do know it is a problem from my childhood, i am a middle child, my father was in the military so he was always away, my mother used to show affection only by cooking and cleaning. My mom is very emotionally unavailable because her father left the family and disappeared in Europe for 16 years. My mother doesnt show any any any affection, so i believe once i started dating, i started to be codependent to take the affection from wrong men even if temporary. I confronted my mom and i told her part of what is happening with me is because of her, she really feels guilty now because of it.

[Arieswoman]

Betty Draper give sound advice in post#20

 

 

Ask yourself some hard questions about your self esteem as well as your ability to set boundaries and stick to them.

 

Make a list of non negotiable desired traits and dealbreakers for a desirable partner. That way, it will be easier to weed out the low value men whom you attract.

 

If you have an understandably negative attitude after your experiences, then that will scare off good men from dating you.

Maybe you need to take a break from dating and focus on yourself.

 

 

After my divorce and after I was sick of a series of failed relationships with 'unsuitable' guys, I took a step back.

I stopped dating, got into some therapy and took up some new interests.

I developed better boundaries and better self-esteem.

I learned how to recognise 'red flags'.

 

 

And most importantly I learned to trust my gut feelings.

 

 

Years later I met my present husband.

 

 

Good luck x