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Am I Being Insecure or Is He Leading Me On?


LolaM

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I've been seeing a guy for almost 3mnths now.

He has young kids, and is going through the process of finalizing a messy-ish divorce.

I've met his kids as a friend (because they're so young he wants to ease them in to the idea of having someone new around - fair enough).

He's introduced me to his closest friends and some of his family, all of whom know that we're seeing each other.

I am the first woman he's introduced to anyone since he and his wife split up 2yrs ago, and this is the longest he has seen anyone since her.

We go places and do things together, and he calls and texts me every day to see how my day is going.

He has several hospitality businesses which keep him very busy (as well has having 50/50 custody of his kids) but still makes time to see me 2-4 times per week even if it's late at night when he finishes work or during the day I go have lunch or dinner with him.

But I can't help feeling that something isn't quite right, and don't know if it's just my insecurities talking.

I asked him a few days ago whether he sees a future for us, and mentioned that I would like a relationship.

He said he doesn't know whether he wants short or long term as he has a lot going on in his life and wants to protect himself, his kids, and me as he has a life which is far from "normal" (running businesses, having kids, nasty ex-wife) and I am so much younger than him (10-odd years younger, I am in my mid-twenties).

The way he sees it is that we're taking it slow and there's no need to rush in to things if we enjoy each others company, really like each other, and aren't seeing anyone else.

Do I run away to protect myself from potentially getting hurt?

Does it sound like he's playing me?

Or am I being insecure?

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I've been seeing a guy for almost 3mnths now.

He has young kids, and is going through the process of finalizing a messy-ish divorce.

I've met his kids as a friend (because they're so young he wants to ease them in to the idea of having someone new around - fair enough).

He's introduced me to his closest friends and some of his family, all of whom know that we're seeing each other.

I am the first woman he's introduced to anyone since he and his wife split up 2yrs ago, and this is the longest he has seen anyone since her.

We go places and do things together, and he calls and texts me every day to see how my day is going.

He has several hospitality businesses which keep him very busy (as well has having 50/50 custody of his kids) but still makes time to see me 2-4 times per week even if it's late at night when he finishes work or during the day I go have lunch or dinner with him.

But I can't help feeling that something isn't quite right, and don't know if it's just my insecurities talking.

I asked him a few days ago whether he sees a future for us, and mentioned that I would like a relationship.

He said he doesn't know whether he wants short or long term as he has a lot going on in his life and wants to protect himself, his kids, and me as he has a life which is far from "normal" (running businesses, having kids, nasty ex-wife) and I am so much younger than him (10-odd years younger, I am in my mid-twenties).

The way he sees it is that we're taking it slow and there's no need to rush in to things if we enjoy each others company, really like each other, and aren't seeing anyone else.

Do I run away to protect myself from potentially getting hurt?

Does it sound like he's playing me?

Or am I being insecure?

are you in a relationship?

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No we aren't. He recently said he wants to take things slow to protect himself, his kids, and me from potentially getting hurt if we move too quickly.

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No we aren't. He recently said he wants to take things slow to protect himself, his kids, and me from potentially getting hurt if we move too quickly.

 

m9ve on. find someone who wants to be with you

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You know what you want, and that's a relationship.

He doesn't know what he wants with you or a relationship in general.

I think it's very important to have goals that align, and I would move on from a man whose goals did not align with mine.

What you both are looking for should have been discussed a long time ago, and decisions made then.

 

When he sorts his life out, he can get back in touch and if you're free and interested you can revisit it then.

In the meantime I'd move on and find someone on the same page.

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Finalizing a divorce can bring up all kinds of memories and emotions that are unpleasant. Even if one's been separated for two years like him, there are parts that can start to feel fresh again when you start to sign the papers. You are reminded that things which start out great can end horribly. It can trigger people to take a step back, and reflect on what's healthy for their life moving forward. You maybe sensing him pull back, because of reasons similar to this.

 

We place risk on our emotions whenever we make ourselves vulnerable in dating. That risk is higher whenever we try to start something new with someone who hasn't ended their current relationship.

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No we aren't. He recently said he wants to take things slow to protect himself, his kids, and me from potentially getting hurt if we move too quickly.

 

I’d back off. Wait until he’s officially divorced.

 

And don’t go over late at night - that’s just a booty call.

 

Wait until he asks you to go OUT on a date.

 

He should be willing to ask to take you out (by planning something fun for both of you).

 

If he won’t then he’s not making much effort FOR YOU.

 

Keep dating other men (he’s likely dating other women). He’s got a lot of baggage - you might meet a great guy without all that baggage.

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Most of the time, when someone says they don't know what they want, it means that they know they don't want what you want but don't want to let go because it is at least "good enough for now". In other words, he's bogged down in a divorce and co-parenting kids, wants the company of a woman, can't give it his all but is fine with the way things are and doesn't plan to make any changes on that front, so if you're not satisfied with the way things are, you're going to have to end it. He won't end it because it's working for him.

 

You can string yourself along if you want to, but be prepared to be on the back burner and a relatively low priority for him often.

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I've have found that my intuition about another person's interest is maddeningly accurate--even when the official measures point the other way.

 

I once had dinner with a woman I was dating .... exclusive, committed. We had dinner at a great spot with good food ... and she was sharing some extremely helpful information with me about a hobby she and I had in common. Officially this was a great night ... Yet I walked out of the dinner--instead of feeling ecstatic or comfortable--I felt empty. Something wasn't right though if I wouldn't have been able to say what exactly the problem was.

 

She dumped me not too long afterwards ... and turns out, she was distant and holding herself back ... I don't think scientists yet fully understand what exactly my intuition detected--except that in equivalent circumstances in the past (when the person was really into me), I never felt empty afterwards.

 

I don't think you've been played because he has introduced you to friends and family ... He clearly likes you ... But honestly, as a divorced person, I say it takes two years after the legal divorce to be ready to date. Not separation--divorce!--as in papers arrive from the court announcing you are officially "dissolved of the bonds of matrimony."

 

It can take longer to emotionally recover after a "messy-ish" divorce.

 

Pull back ... Let him come to you ... If he can't reassure you, let this thing go. Definitely stop investing time and effort and hope. Frankly, three months in, I'd say you'd want a commitment by now.

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You are wasting your time. It's very doubtful he's going to have a relationship with you. You are just a stepping stone/lady friend to take the edge off. Even when he gets divorced, most likey he's just going to have a FWB or multi date and not jump into anything serious as he wants to focus on his busy life/children. You are just a comfort for him as it stands. Basically you should find someone who is available to fulfill your expectations on more serious terms. Keep him as a friend you occasionally have lunch with, but also date other men.

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No we aren't. He recently said he wants to take things slow to protect himself, his kids, and me from potentially getting hurt if we move too quickly.

 

This is a red flag. At 3 months, things should be moving to establish an actual relationship. He should be talking about exclusivity and you being his actual girlfriend. He's telling you that he's not interested in a relationship right now. He's just passing time and looking for companionship. Move on from this.

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I just saw that he is finalizing his divorce. That's a huge red flag. Don't date people that are not divorced yet. It rarely ever works out well. You end up as a stepping stone to an actual relationship. He's just getting his feet back in the dating pool with you. Look, I understand being cautious if he has kids. That's definitely prudent. But you've seeing him a few times a week for 3 months. If it's not progressing by now, it won't.

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If you continue - you’ve silently agreed to being his option instead of his priority.

 

 

I suggest NEVER dating any man until his divorce is final.

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Unless you want to wait around forever in a wishy-washy kind of relationship, I would get out of it. You want something more definite and he is holding you at bay. He may well have good reasons for not rushing into anything but that is his situation and yours is different. Your needs are not the same at the moment.

 

The more you want a relationship with him, the more he will sense it and step back, saying pacifying words about not rushing things. This is a kind of holding pattern. The only way to change this dynamic, once it is set up, is to back out or to back off to the extent that he finds out just how much he misses you. Either way, is it worth waiting around for someone who could just be seeking friendship and sex for the foreseeable future? Is that what you want too?

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Curiousroxy86

What if it ends up being a short term relationship? Would you be okay with that?

 

What if you don't ever become the girlfriend? Would you be okay with that?

 

If you are okay with that HIGH possibility (because he said it and expressed thats what he wants right now)....then don't rock the boat. Keep interacting with him. And see how it goes.

 

If that is literally what you don't want for yourself then you should make a stand. But understand taking a stand means you have to be willing to walk.

 

Because a man is going to do what he wants to do and will let you follow him till the ends of the earth without giving a drop of what you want IF YOU LET HIM.

 

So if it were me I would say "Joe honey (whatever his name is) I understand you like the way things are and I have had a lovely time with you. But an undefined relationship that may come to an end soon is just not what I want for myself. I want to be in a good long term relationship with a man that wants me to be his exclusive girlfriend especially after connecting with me for the past three months. I would like for you to be that man. But if that's not what you want then that is okay no hard feelings here but i gotta go and find what I'm looking for". And I would do just that. Date other men till you find one that wants to give you a good long term relationship whether it's "Joe honey" or somebody else lol.

 

But you have to decide what you want more. This nonrelationship with this man the way it is that may have a short expiration date or a good long term relationship with another if this man is unwilling.

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He's not even divorced yet and it's been a messy process.

 

I don't think he's necessarily leading you on (I don't have enough information to make that call), but you can be sure that he will be in no rush to get into another serious relationship or to get married anytime soon. If you feel like waiting awhile, you can stick around and see what happens, but you should not expect things to flow like a more "normal" relationship with a guy who doesn't have all that baggage.

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I'veseenbetterlol

But I can't help feeling that something isn't quite right, and don't know if it's just my insecurities talking.

I asked him a few days ago whether he sees a future for us, and mentioned that I would like a relationship.

He said he doesn't know whether he wants short or long term as he has a lot going on in his life and wants to protect himself, his kids, and me as he has a life which is far from "normal" (running businesses, having kids, nasty ex-wife) and I am so much younger than him (10-odd years younger, I am in my mid-twenties).

 

You aren't being insecure, there is something wrong w/your situation. I've experienced the same thing w/a couple guys. At 1st I thought I was being insecure, but I found out my gut was telling me they were leading me on. I know that familiar mosquito type feeling that you cannot swat away. You are young and can do way better. This guy not only has a history, kids as well and doesn't want to commit.

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He may be using you for female company and for sex.

 

He knows you are not 'the one' but is happy to let it play out. A lot of men can do this. If I was you, I would cut my losses at this point before you get in any deeper.

 

Also stop going round late at night! that is a booty call.

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Mrs._December
No we aren't. He recently said he wants to take things slow to protect himself, his kids, and me from potentially getting hurt if we move too quickly.

Uh huh.

 

Let me translate that for you.

 

"I don't have time to wine you and dine you and invest all the time and energy into a REAL relationship. I don't have the time and I don't have the desire.

 

But I sure do appreciate the fact that you're willing to bend yourself into a pretzel just to make this SO convenient for me! I see you when it's convenient for ME. I have sex with you when it's convenient for ME. And whenever you start flapping your gums about wanting more from me, I give you that old song and dance about how I'm 'protecting' all of us from 'getting hurt,' when in reality, I simply have no desire whatsoever to go any farther with you than I've already been."

 

You need to stop being so convenient and catering to HIS schedule. Seriously. Stop it.

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