BJP1991 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 What's up everybody, Have seen this new girl once each weekend for the last two weekends. First date, we had drinks at a few bars near her place, then we went back to her's and had sex and I ended up staying the night (she insisted, I was fine with it as it was like 330am). I left in the morning and she gave me the same, passionate (tongue in my mouth) kiss she was giving me all the night before. A couple of days passed and I initiated contact and setup the second date, which just happened the other night at my place. The original plan was dinner at my place, then head out to a bar near my apartment, but needless to say, clothes came off and we never left my apartment after dinner. We hooked up at least 3 times in the evening, she slept over (slept naked - didn't do that the first time), and we hooked up a final time in the morning. I made her a cup of coffee, which we chatted over for 20ish mins before she left. At the door, she kissed me again, but this time gave me a really strong hug, for like 3 seconds, after the kiss...not sure if this is meaningful of deeper emotions she might have or what the case is (to me, it doesn't really matter what it means/I don't care/it won't change my perspective). All in all, I am pretty content with my dating life currently (not sure if I want a LTR with this girl or ANY girl at the moment); however I turn to you for recommendations on just HOW to proceed after 2 successful dates that both resulted in hooking up. Typically, I just try to see a girl who I am really attracted to only once per week early-on. One key reason I prefer this method with girls I have hooked up with is that I have found that despite having many passions (sports I am in leagues for, lifting weights, etc), I am sometimes susceptible to one-itis if I really dig the girl. For example, last night I removed the pillowcase she slept on and put it in my laundry hamper, since it still smells strongly of her hair/perfume (which I would probably indulge myself into if I had not removed it). I am trying my best to see other women as well and am staying very busy with work, friends, activities, hobbies, etc. Basically, I want to just continue seeing her about once per week until she initiates to make things happen more regularly. Is it right to just stay the course, and proceed to setup a third date in a few days (i.e. wednesday evening reach out to her)? Partly I would like to see her initiate contact - last week after I arranged the second date, she texted me a few days later just to see how my week was going and make mindless text chitchat (which, typically, I am not a fan of, but understand some women like this to build some trust/rapport - I never let it go past 4-7 messages to avoid wasting time texting and potentially lowering her interest). For those who are experienced and know that rushing into anything is a bad idea, how do you proceed with things after two successful dates? Granted, the second time was just me making dinner and watching a movie while we had sex all night, but I count it anyways. What sort of events/activities would you recommend for a third date at this point? And is reaching out maybe 3-4 days after this second date reasonable? I know many will say just reach out as soon as possible, but the goal here, for me anyways, is to remain in my center and don't allow this one girl to occupy too much of my thoughts or time so early-on. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 You already rushed into something. You are overcomplicating and verging on game playing. If you like her, see her. If you only want to see her once a week, ask her out in a week. If she's wanting something more, she needs to move on. Or, whatever is going on between you might develop into a relationship, or just fizzle. If you want tp pursue a relationship with her, please don't play the game of waiting for her to initiate. She's given you much information that she's into you, at least on a sexual level. She's put herself out there. Getting together with a woman involves some level of risk on your part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Don't you already have a thread about this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BJP1991 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 You already rushed into something. You are overcomplicating and verging on game playing. If you like her, see her. If you only want to see her once a week, ask her out in a week. If she's wanting something more, she needs to move on. Or, whatever is going on between you might develop into a relationship, or just fizzle. If you want tp pursue a relationship with her, please don't play the game of waiting for her to initiate. She's given you much information that she's into you, at least on a sexual level. She's put herself out there. Getting together with a woman involves some level of risk on your part. I do like her/want to continue seeing her. Mostly I am just interested if others have experience where they are trying to avoid becoming too attached. I know from past experiences that it will only adhere my goals if I try too much, too soon. I agree that if you like someone, just see them: I am going to. But I don't believe in contacting her so frequently and so soon, early on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BJP1991 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Don't you already have a thread about this? Any discussion points about not "rushing in" with someone new? Seeing someone more than once/twice a week has never worked in my favor in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
damni Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Why are you making this into a game? if you just want her for hook ups, make that clear to her and only invite her out once a week. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Seeing someone more than once/twice a week has never worked in my favor in the past. Then don't do that if it's not what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Just find out what she's looking for for herself and tell her what you're looking for out of your dating journey!!! Have an adult conversation. If you've already had sex twice, you can tell her you aren't looking for a long-term committed relationship and ask her what she wants. Maybe she's only interested in an FWB with you. As long you the two of you are on the same page and you both are being honest with each other, there's no problem. But if she's looking for a real relationship for herself with someone, just tell her you're not interested in being "that guy" and cut her loose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BJP1991 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Just find out what she's looking for for herself and tell her what you're looking for out of your dating journey!!! Have an adult conversation. If you've already had sex twice, you can tell her you aren't looking for a long-term committed relationship and ask her what she wants. Maybe she's only interested in an FWB with you. As long you the two of you are on the same page and you both are being honest with each other, there's no problem. But if she's looking for a real relationship for herself with someone, just tell her you're not interested in being "that guy" and cut her loose. I understand. Perhaps I should clarify what I really mean. I am not "looking" for LTR, but if something were to develop into that, I would not prevent it from happening. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 But not a LTR that is monogamous? Your actual question is getting lost with your contradictions.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I understand. Perhaps I should clarify what I really mean. I am not "looking" for LTR, but if something were to develop into that, I would not prevent it from happening. BJP, pretty much everything you said in your opening post screams -- non-committal . . . You need to get on 'A' page for yourself. Either you are looking for an LTR or you are dating casually. Deciding what you want for yourself, will help set the approach. If you want something serious, you need to date that way -- which means not jumping into bed on the first date, even second, date. It means scheduling proper dates and getting to know one another. Having sex on the first date and then doing it again at your apartment for the next date, removing the pillow case so you can't smell the perfume which is enticing to you and prevents you from not thinking about them, etc., isn't taking it seriously If you are dating casually, fine, sleep with them on first and second dates and don't see them often. With this girl, you either need to be upfront with her about where you're at right now -- either you like her enough to want to explore the possibility of a real relationship and want to date her that way or you're not sure about her. If you not sure, cut her loose right now. You're entirely too wishy-washy about what you want and, until you figure that out, that is how you will come across to women even if you decide to date seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 With this girl, you either need to be upfront with her about where you're at right now -- either you like her enough to want to explore the possibility of a real relationship and want to date her that way or you're not sure about her. If you not sure, cut her loose right now. You're entirely too wishy-washy about what you want and, until you figure that out, that is how you will come across to women even if you decide to date seriously. I think he might be asking for advice on how to keep this girl on the hook even if he doesn't want her long term.....and even if she does want it long term. OP are you looking for the best way to deceive this girl into thinking you're serious about her so she doesn't bail, but still getting away with only keeping her around for sex? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I think not rushing the emotional side of things . . . even though you have been physical . . . is a good plan. I wouldn't wait around for her to set up the next date. If you want to see her, call & ask for the date. Sometime during that date or as it is concluding, ask her to plan the 4th date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BJP1991 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 BJP, pretty much everything you said in your opening post screams -- non-committal . . . You need to get on 'A' page for yourself. Either you are looking for an LTR or you are dating casually. Deciding what you want for yourself, will help set the approach. If you want something serious, you need to date that way -- which means not jumping into bed on the first date, even second, date. It means scheduling proper dates and getting to know one another. Having sex on the first date and then doing it again at your apartment for the next date, removing the pillow case so you can't smell the perfume which is enticing to you and prevents you from not thinking about them, etc., isn't taking it seriously If you are dating casually, fine, sleep with them on first and second dates and don't see them often. With this girl, you either need to be upfront with her about where you're at right now -- either you like her enough to want to explore the possibility of a real relationship and want to date her that way or you're not sure about her. If you not sure, cut her loose right now. You're entirely too wishy-washy about what you want and, until you figure that out, that is how you will come across to women even if you decide to date seriously. Yeah I don't really agree. I think it is perfectly fine to casually date people, but be open to the idea of LTR. Seems that you do not agree. My point is, I don't want to get attached to someone IF they are not the right woman for me (obviously something only time will tell). That is certainly reasonable of me to think, correct? Also, dating casually until I find someone (and confirm IF they are right for me), before wanting LTR should be openly accepted...at least one would think. Telling the girl any of my intentions is out of my comfort zone. If she wants to bring up "relationship vs fwb" talk, that's fine and I will go along with it. Reason being, I don't want it to blow up in my face, when we seemingly have a decent thing going already. Why screw it up with asking a needy/approval seeking behavior question like "What are we?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author BJP1991 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 I think not rushing the emotional side of things . . . even though you have been physical . . . is a good plan. I wouldn't wait around for her to set up the next date. If you want to see her, call & ask for the date. Sometime during that date or as it is concluding, ask her to plan the 4th date. I agree - thanks for your input. I think I will just wait a couple days and contact her to setup another date. I do happen to be super busy the next couple of days outside of work anyhow (and she knows this from our discussions the other night). Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Yeah I don't really agree. I think it is perfectly fine to casually date people, but be open to the idea of LTR. Seems that you do not agree. My point is, I don't want to get attached to someone IF they are not the right woman for me (obviously something only time will tell). That is certainly reasonable of me to think, correct? Also, dating casually until I find someone (and confirm IF they are right for me), before wanting LTR should be openly accepted...at least one would think. Telling the girl any of my intentions is out of my comfort zone. If she wants to bring up "relationship vs fwb" talk, that's fine and I will go along with it. Reason being, I don't want it to blow up in my face, when we seemingly have a decent thing going already. Why screw it up with asking a needy/approval seeking behavior question like "What are we?" Comfort zone??? You are comfortable enough to be sexually intimate but you cannot have an adult, serious conversation? "Why screw it up with asking a needy/approval seeking behavior question like "What are we?" Right now, this would not be a "what are we" conversation. It would be a conversation about overall goals and making sure you're on the same page with that. Maybe she isn't even interested in an LTR herself. You shouldn't be dating and operating out of fear . . . What you are almost describing here is having a fear of intimacy yourself. That's gonna be a problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 It's working for you. It might not be everyone's ethical ideal but you are communicating with this woman & you are not "using" her as in you weren't a 1 & done guy but you also know you need to keep your own emotions under control. I don't see any reason to talk about anything. Let your actions speak for you. If she brings it up, don't lie but remaining mum on the subject is just fine. Not every early communication between you & new prospect has to be a request for a date. If you find yourself with a few spare minutes you can shoot her a quick hello text . . . nothing too deep just kind of a hi, hope you are having a good day or something else non-committal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Why screw it up with asking a needy/approval seeking behavior question like "What are we?" Definitely a chance she could take it that way I suppose. I say just keep doing what you're doing. I think after 4 dates with sex you might need to have a talk, though.....because she could be on a different page.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BJP1991 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Definitely a chance she could take it that way I suppose. I say just keep doing what you're doing. I think after 4 dates with sex you might need to have a talk, though.....because she could be on a different page.... Yeah, by that time I would agree. Who knows, perhaps we might be on the same page even at that point (one way or the other). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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