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Texting nearly killed my relationship *Updated* He withholds sex


sweetgirl2019

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sweetgirl2019

Me and my boyfriend had a big argument yesterday because of some misunderstandings.

 

Basically he's not someone who expresses less than good emotions and I'm kinda open in regards to that. When there's something I don't like I just say it out loud. I'm very genuine and like to communicate.

 

So basically in these 4 months we have been dating there were a few things he said or done I didn't like and told him. And there were a few things I said or done that he didn't like it but he bottled it up and I had no clue how he was feeling, as he pretended all was well.

 

He's a lot of a people pleaser, so always want to say or do the right thing for others to like him, whilst I'm more about being real.

 

So yesterday I told him something he has done I didn't like and that we needed to have a conversation about it, and he didn't like.

 

But this time things escalated and he came to a breakpoint where he just exploded and told me every single thing I did or said that hurt him before over the weeks that he didn't like. He apologised for not saying anything before.

 

He said that it seems a lot of what he says and does is wrong and all I say and do is right. Which is not the case. I do mistakes too because I'm human, but the difference is I say out loud when I don't like something, and he doesn't, so it seems and feels he does wrong things and I'm always right.

 

He was really angry afterwards yesterday and said we both need time to digest and process everything before we proceed, to which I agree.

 

To be honest, I think he should be angry with himself for bottling up how he feels and not with me!

 

Anyway, I think the silver lining of this is that I FINALLY know how he feels and thinks!

 

But he has withdrawn now and is ignoring me.

 

When we were apart he usually texts me all the time, especially saying good morning, and today there were zero messages. Nothing.

 

I send him a message saying good morning and that although we need time to process things what happened yesterday doesn't change the rest between us, so good morning and I hope you're ok. He didn't read the message or responded anything.

 

I feel quite hurt by this to be honest. He went from bombarding me with messages to nothing.

 

I think at least a good morning have a nice day message would be nice and would show we care for each other after all.

 

I feel he is doing it on purpose and is quite childish. I don't like this and am now at the point of questioning if I want to continue the relationship. I'm not sending any other messages anymore.

 

What do you think of all this and your advice?

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sweetgirl,

IMO the guy is conflict avoidant - red flag.

 

 

Now he's sulking/ignoring you, letting you stew, that's passive/agressive behaviour - red flag #2

 

 

I would cut your losses, at best he's childish, at worse he's manipulative. I can't see anything good coming out of this. Your feelings are hurt already after just 4 months, so don't invest any more time in this.

 

 

I'm sorry x

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Can you elaborate more on what you disliked that he did? It's that bad that you needed to sit him down and have a whole conversation about it?

 

Anyways, depending on what these things are.. if they're trivial.. you can come across as a whiny girlfriend who's unhappy in the relationship, unhappy with your partner, who just won't stop complaining. Perhaps because of this.. he's fed up with you.

 

I mean from his point of view.. he might've kept his mouth shut because he didn't want to upset you and because maybe it's just not worth mentioning to him. To you, you're genuine and real.. but to him you just won't stop telling him you don't like this and that about him.

 

Yeah, since he stopped responding/texting you.. he probably does need time to process and think about whether or not he wants to be with someone like you.

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sweetgirl2019

No I'm not a whiny person who complains all the time. I like to say out loud when I'm not happy with something because I'm fine with expressing my emotions and because I care enough to want to solve things.

 

He kept his mouth shut before not because he didn't want to upset me, but because he avoids dealing with negative stuff and always wants everything to be perfect even if inside he's dying to talk about it. This is not healthy.

 

Fine, I am also doing the same. Thinking about whether or not I want to be with someone like him.

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Can you elaborate more on what you disliked that he did? It's that bad that you needed to sit him down and have a whole conversation about it?

 

OP, can you answer this question?

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sweetgirl2019
OP, can you answer this question?

 

He was sugar-coating around a certain issue and not telling me the whole truth. And then there was a lot of holes in his behaviour. I tried to ask him but he didn't tell me the whole story and I got to a point I was fed up and just wanted to know the truth.

 

When I reached my breaking point, then he finally told me the truth about it. But then he didn't like I confronted him and it escalated into an argument.

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Pleaser, Poor communicator, passive aggressive, childish...are all things that characterize a guy like this. Those things go hand in hand. If you want to try to fix him that is up to you, but it usually doesn't work.

 

Here is a YouTube list of videos related to his condition by Corey Wayne.

https://www.youtube.com/user/coachcoreywayne/search?query=pleaser

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Did you acknowledge his feelings? I hear he apologized to you and you admit you make mistakes (to us in the forum). So I was just kind of curious to how you reacted to him opening up. I agree it’s definitely not good to bottle things up and this whole space thing isn’t really necessary either (and is childish). If you were defensive with him I can see maybe why he became distant after expressing his feelings. But I don’t have all the specifics so it’s hard to say without the complete picture.

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My gut instinct tells me the below makes sense. I used to be like OP, too "honest", too "vocal", thinking - I - was the good communicator for opening up about every single thing that bothered me.

 

Ah. Surprise surprise... I am not. I could use some shutting up! I was raised with no boundaries in my family and that extended to my adult relationships. but it took me decades to understand that and reach that kind of self-awareness which I -thought- I had before.

 

Luckily I stopped seeing myself as the great "sincere" communicator I thought I was, and am rethinking my communication style.

 

It would be good to get more clarification on the below.

 

Can you elaborate more on what you disliked that he did? It's that bad that you needed to sit him down and have a whole conversation about it? <snip>
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sweetgirl2019
Did you acknowledge his feelings? I hear he apologized to you and you admit you make mistakes (to us in the forum). So I was just kind of curious to how you reacted to him opening up. I agree it’s definitely not good to bottle things up and this whole space thing isn’t really necessary either (and is childish). If you were defensive with him I can see maybe why he became distant after expressing his feelings. But I don’t have all the specifics so it’s hard to say without the complete picture.

 

Yes I absolutely did! After he opened up my energy changed completely. I told him thank you for telling me how he feels and thinks and that helps me understand him much better.

 

I also told him that there's no need to bottle things up and he can express his emotions safely with me.

 

So that's why now I don't understand his silence and ignoring me. It feels like he is still hurt and is punishing me. Agree, the space thing isn't necessary and childish and is putting me off.

 

I think that opening up in a relationship and the other part showing gratitude for it and openess too should bring us closer together, not he ignoring me afterwards.

 

I wanted so much to solve things, but today at this point I'm feeling I am withdrawing myself.

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sweetgirl2019
My gut instinct tells me the below makes sense. I used to be like OP, too "honest", too "vocal", thinking - I - was the good communicator for opening up about every single thing that bothered me. <snip>.

 

Well I don't think you have any problem or me have any problem in communicating and being open about how we feel, and we don't need to shut up.

 

Maybe we just need partners who wish to communicate as well.

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yes, but having a filter, not using blaming language, and choosing your battles are immensely helpful communications skills to have. holding the attitude of being "right" is not always conducive to healthy, long term relationships.

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sweetgirl2019

I didn't do any of that. I didn't blame him or hold the attitude of being right. I am assertive and direct and ask things directly. He is a people pleaser and can't handle it.

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Bingo. And the below is the definition of my past behavior for decades. And probably why I'm single again. Took a lot of self awareness and failures to start seeing that I did all those things and they are not as healthy as I thought they were. Like OP, I thought I was communicating and being open and authentic...

 

yes, but having a filter, not using blaming language, and choosing your battles are immensely helpful communications skills to have. holding the attitude of being "right" is not always conducive to healthy, long term relationships.
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sweetgirl2019

It takes a lot of courage to be open and say how you feel. Do not feel bad about it or let others make you feel bad.

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He was sugar-coating around a certain issue and not telling me the whole truth. <snip>.

 

No. This was not him "opening up". His behaviour was shady. You cornered him and caught his little lie of omission and he reacted by getting angry and blaming you.

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Oh and I think you are now calling this a difference in communication styes because he succeeded in making you feel bad about making him tell the whole truth. You have been manipulated.

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Nah... no courage needed, it comes naturally to me. What doesn't come naturally and is needed in life is knowing when to have a filter. It's not about what others make me feel like. It's about learning self-awareness. Which seems you could probably use.

 

It takes a lot of courage to be open and say how you feel. Do not feel bad about it or let others make you feel bad.
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Sweetgirl, do you pick your battles? Or do you tell him each time a thing bothers you?

 

That was gonna be my question too. People who say they "just tell it like it is" or "like to keep it real" are usually just excusing having a cow whenever they feel like it under the guise of being honest.

 

In any event, your dude is passive/aggressive and you two have incompatible communication styles.

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sweetgirl2019

Yes I do pick my battles. He was lying to me about something important, so I think that’s enough of a reason to be honest and ask him upfront what’s happening.

 

He didn’t like it because he knew I knew he was lying. End of story.

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sweetgirl2019
Nah... no courage needed, it comes naturally to me. What doesn't come naturally and is needed in life is knowing when to have a filter. It's not about what others make me feel like. It's about learning self-awareness. Which seems you could probably use.

 

He was lying to me about something important and I knew it and asked him about it.

 

That means I respect myself enough to not accept being lied to. To me that’s enough self-awareness.

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sweetgirl2019
No. This was not him "opening up". His behaviour was shady. You cornered him and caught his little lie of omission and he reacted by getting angry and blaming you.

 

Yes that’s it. And now the withdrawal from him is part of the ‘making me feel bad about it’ and him being in victim mode.

 

Zero patience for this and I’ve actually decided to break up with him.

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Well that's a whole other beast. You didn't mention being lied to in your OP.

 

He was lying to me about something important and I knew it and asked him about it.

 

That means I respect myself enough to not accept being lied to. To me that’s enough self-awareness.

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