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Date in hospital/after hospital


ShaunaN

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So some background.

 

I worked with my boyfriend and we have a policy where same office relationships. I left and we came out as dating. We've been happily dating for a year now.

 

We both work in IT and we travel all over the world to see our users. I was in Dubai and I got a call from his work, He is under medical investigation because he gets shooting pain to his brain and it is like he has a brain spasm and he goes into a fit. He was in the office and had a major fit he fell and hit his head. He was rushed to hospital and I try getting a flight back to the UK but my company won't pay because we are not married.

 

I get back and he has been in hospital. I've been visiting when I can. My employer sent me to another office. My boyfriend hasn't had many visitors nor has my Irish charm (As he calls it) cheered him up.

 

Now I have an idea to cheer him up and I just want other peoples input. He has been in for 2 weeks because he keeps fitting quite badly and they can't get a mix of medication to calm it down and he said he wants to take me to our favourite restaurant and that will cheer him up. Its on deliveroo. So my idea (I'd get permission off the nurses) was to order what he would like from there as a surprise, get it delivered to the hospital and I'll get one of those NHS TV cards and have like a restaurant meal in the hospital whilst watching rubbish tv together. Just a different sort of date to try and cheer him up. Or is it a bad idea?

 

After the hospital he is going to need someone to look after him. I stay over a few nights a week already and he stays at mine. So I was just thinking of just staying over to look after him and if he has an attack he has someone there, I will discuss it with him or is it a silly idea and don't bother talking to him about it?

 

We've also planned to go see my parents in Ireland, I'm thinking its best to cancel it because of whats happened or should I leave it booked and let my boyfriend decide if he wants to go?

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The delivery to the hospital sounds very thoughtful.

 

So does the helping him once he is discharged.

 

As for the trip, do you have insurance on it? Can you get a refund? It may be best to see how his health plays out with that one.

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The food is of course subject to doctor's orders. Do not bring in food that will make things worse but you are on the right track. Your presence alone is the best medicine.

 

Flying will also be subject to what his doctors say so hold off on that trip.

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The delivery to the hospital sounds very thoughtful.

 

So does the helping him once he is discharged.

 

As for the trip, do you have insurance on it? Can you get a refund? It may be best to see how his health plays out with that one.

 

Its just flights as we were going to stay at my parents in Ireland. We both have insurance but they are Aer Lingus flex fares so we should get a refund if not I'll ring our insuance and claim.

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The food is of course subject to doctor's orders. Do not bring in food that will make things worse but you are on the right track. Your presence alone is the best medicine.

 

Flying will also be subject to what his doctors say so hold off on that trip.

 

Generally the nurses in the hospital don't mind outside food, Food serviced in an NHS hospital generally isn't the best.

 

I'll of course get permission before arranging a deliveroo. I wish I could stay with him.

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It's not a matter of them minding. It's a matter of some food being contraindicated medially due to his condition.

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It's not a matter of them minding. It's a matter of some food being contraindicated medially due to his condition.

 

I'll of course get permission :)

 

I guess its normal that I feel helpless and scared when he has an attack. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do.

 

Sometimes he doesn't remember anything for a few minutes after, sometimes forgets who I am :( I have cried a few times.

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It sounds great, but don't be hurt if it doesn't work out on his end. He may have one of those fits right before or during, and end up not being up for the TV watching. I am sure he will greatly appreciate the gesture.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

First, I hope he gets some answers! That sounds just awful :(.

 

I like your date idea. It is super thoughtful, as is you offering to stay with him upon his return home.

 

As far as the trip, I'd leave that up to him.

 

You sound like a very caring girlfriend. He's a lucky guy. :)

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It sounds great, but don't be hurt if it doesn't work out on his end. He may have one of those fits right before or during, and end up not being up for the TV watching. I am sure he will greatly appreciate the gesture.

 

I get that, I just want him to know that I don't care that he is ill and we can still have fun even if his medical condition takes over. If we do get some tv watching in and he falls asleep I'll just sit there and watch tv for a bit holding his hand, so he knows someone is there.

 

It's terribly scary. Just be there. Pray if you are so inclined.

 

I have said many prayers :)

 

First, I hope he gets some answers! That sounds just awful :(.

 

I like your date idea. It is super thoughtful, as is you offering to stay with him upon his return home.

 

As far as the trip, I'd leave that up to him.

 

You sound like a very caring girlfriend. He's a lucky guy. :)

 

Me too. He is such a nice and thoughtful guy. Our third date I kind of forgot about being back home in Ireland (Double booked!) and he got on the next flight he could to come and see me. If anyone needs answers its him. I try and be thoughtful. Although I'm a bad girlfriend for agreeing to go out to Dubai when I could have tried to do the work remotely.

 

I'm the lucky girlfriend to have him. One night I was at the hospital he had 4 fits after each other, he come round and he was sleepy. He gave me some money and said go to the cafe and get something to eat and don't worry about me. After everything he had been through his first thought was to look out for me.

 

Someone from back home text this to me

 

He is only going to get worse. What about when he finally loses his memory and the plot and you are stuck with wiping his bum? You should walk now. Keep the happy memories and cherish what you have. He won't mind.

Needless to say they are no longer a friend of mine. Its genuinely upset me this message. I couldn't just leave him, I'm sure he thinks "Whats going on?" after an attack so me going will destroy him.

 

 

Ive got another idea I've got this teddy bear. I bought it as a memory of home. Its been everywhere with me when I've travelled (Even when I stay at his I bring it with me). I was thinking of spraying it with my perfume and leaving it with him in the hospital so a bit of me is always with him. Tell me if it sounds silly but I feel if he does love all memory I hope the smell will make him think of me or remember me.

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Good idea ... as long as you realize he may not be up for it ... and you're ready to shift and be OK if he's not.

 

Look, I've visited way too many family members in the hospital ... for many conditions ... Just show up! ... You don't need to "cheer him up."

 

In fact cheering him up ... can miss the boat. He might have a scary condition and for a scary condition, it's fine to be frightened. And you don't want to try to fix his mood if he's frightened. Instead, you just want to comfort him.

 

Just be there ... your regular self ... tell stories about work ... stroke his hair ... comb his hair ... look for something to make him comfortable ... go get the nurses when he needs something ... Literally you just being there is the special treat.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

What the hell!! Your friend sounds so insensitive! Good riddance!!

 

The teddy bear might be a good idea, but I'd refrain from spraying it with perfume given the nature of his illness. It could trigger a fit if this is anything at all like migraines.

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Good idea ... as long as you realize he may not be up for it ... and you're ready to shift and be OK if he's not.

 

Look, I've visited way too many family members in the hospital ... for many conditions ... Just show up! ... You don't need to "cheer him up."

 

In fact cheering him up ... can miss the boat. He might have a scary condition and for a scary condition, it's fine to be frightened. And you don't want to try to fix his mood if he's frightened. Instead, you just want to comfort him.

 

Just be there ... your regular self ... tell stories about work ... stroke his hair ... comb his hair ... look for something to make him comfortable ... go get the nurses when he needs something ... Literally you just being there is the special treat.

 

As we both work in IT, Ive ran problem issues past him and he's come out with solutions. We talk about our days and its nice we can talk technical and understand each other. When I'm telling him off for something he says "When you are CCIE or higher I'll listen until then Miss CCNA" its a joke we have based on qualifications we have.

 

He loves his commercial planes. When I get there he has a website with all the planes flying on it. I want to hear more about it and hold a conversation, So I joined one of the local airport groups to get pointers. but they just confused me with science. There's also pictures of him at some plane museum in Holland and talks about the jumbo there. I'm going to try and get him to tell me more. I feel if he can nerd out a bit about planes it might bring some normality.

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What the hell!! Your friend sounds so insensitive! Good riddance!!

 

The teddy bear might be a good idea, but I'd refrain from spraying it with perfume given the nature of his illness. It could trigger a fit if this is anything at all like migraines.

 

Yeah, I'll be honest it wasn't nice getting it or reading it :(

 

I can just leave him the bear and hope it reminds him of me.

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So here's a key question:

 

Does he allow you ... does he want you ... to talk to the doctors?

 

At a certain point in a relationship, a partner will often invite the other partner into discussions with the doctor. I can't tell if you're at this point. When my ex was diagnosed with breast cancer, I basically talked with her doctors from the get-go ... because I went to all her appointments.

 

Anyway, at some point, before the hospital discharges him, the docs will give him an update on his condition ... the docs will discuss at that time his ability to take care of himself and all of that. Might be good to be there for those discussions. And then you'll know what role there is for you.

 

But seriously, you mention "cheer him up" and "normality." He's not in normality right now ... that's fine ... just relax and talk to him almost like you would talk to him anyway. Flirt with him and see how he reacts. Kiss him, hug him ... See if he's comfortable with touch ...

 

He will cheer himself up ... don't take on that role. It's an exhausting role and not necessary. Just show up! ... and give him lots of affection and smiles and warmth ... see how much he is comfortable with.

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So here's a key question:

 

Does he allow you ... does he want you ... to talk to the doctors?

 

At a certain point in a relationship, a partner will often invite the other partner into discussions with the doctor. I can't tell if you're at this point. When my ex was diagnosed with breast cancer, I basically talked with her doctors from the get-go ... because I went to all her appointments.

Yes he does, He has asked me to come with him to many appointments and explained to the doctors I'm his "family in everything but name".

 

Anyway, at some point, before the hospital discharges him, the docs will give him an update on his condition ... the docs will discuss at that time his ability to take care of himself and all of that. Might be good to be there for those discussions. And then you'll know what role there is for you.

The doctors have already said at a checkup they want me involved (Going as far as saying my boyfriend mentions me a lot, when talking about going home) when it comes to discharge and even when they get him settled and the attacks under control they will want a support network, people who can help him. I know his parents will be involved too, His best friend has said she'll be there, so it looks like he has a good support network forming. Discharge looks a little while off so I can cross this bridge when we come to it.

 

I'm going to be there for him good or bad.

 

But seriously, you mention "cheer him up" and "normality." He's not in normality right now ... that's fine ... just relax and talk to him almost like you would talk to him anyway. Flirt with him and see how he reacts. Kiss him, hug him ... See if he's comfortable with touch ...

We hug, kiss and touch each other. I just hold his hand when he is having a bad day, and talk about my day, we have normal conversations. He has "Normal" days where we are like we are out of hospital and he has even done some work on his laptop. He wanted that bit of normality like that.

 

He has asked for his hair to be cut as its getting too long for him. I mentioned this to his dad and he said he would speak with Stan to go see him.. So we are keeping things as normal as we can.

 

But keeping this normality up is hard. Times I look at him and he looks really bad and he looks in pain and I just want to cry and hug him, then I remember he is more frightened than me and he needs me to be strong.

 

He will cheer himself up ... don't take on that role. It's an exhausting role and not necessary. Just show up! ... and give him lots of affection and smiles and warmth ... see how much he is comfortable with.

 

He gets this when I go. He says my "Irish charm" cheers him up and he really could do with "The luck of the Irish". I go every day, sometimes twice. Times he tells me I should go out with my friends and have "me time" but he is always on my mind and if I'm out with friends I'll check my phone see if anyone's rang. We talk about work and what his best mate has been saying.

 

We try and keep it normal but from my perspective its hard.

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So I popped up to the hospital see my boyfriend, Spoke with the doctors and they said outside food is fine subject to the nurses not minding and the doctor thinks it will do his mood some good.

 

So on to planning this now!

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So, I'm going to do this tonight. He has had a comfortable day. I'm actually really nervous for it. I know he needs normality but I just want to do something special for him.

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But keeping this normality up is hard. Times I look at him and he looks really bad and he looks in pain and I just want to cry and hug him, then I remember he is more frightened than me and he needs me to be strong.

 

Actually, you CAN cry ... and you do NOT have to be strong. I was so "strong" for a relative I would visit in a hospital (he was in for a long-term stay) ... that turns out he thought I didn't get the magnitude of his suffering.

 

One day, I couldn't be "strong." I simply sobbed ... I felt so bad for him ... He later told all our families members how moved he was that I had cried ... How he knew I cared for him--by my tears. And I've had this happen multiple times since then with other people I've visited who were ill.

 

Why is crying apparently helpful? ... Because sobbing or being sad convey "I deeply love you and feel so bad about what you're going through. I feel your suffering and pain in my deepest heart."

 

Ironically, HE can then step up to comfort you a bit ... which actually will strengthen him ... and provide him with some "normality." One thing ailing people miss out on ... is helping others they love.

 

There is another reason you don't have to control your emotions and hide your tears and your own pain. That's because one of the worst things we can do when someone is ailing ... and we do this unintentionally ... is act like "everything is OK" when in reality everything is NOT OK. Things are frightening and scary and painful. What can easily happen is the cheerful friends end up MINIMIZING the pain and suffering of the person in the hospital.

 

You can accidentally block him from sharing his fears with you ... which is draining when you're sick and then trying to put on a face for your loved one. Chill ... allow yourself to cry if you want ... don't worry ... you won't get stuck there.

 

Seems like you're a wonderful partner. But relax: Tears and simple silent hugs are among the most healing actions people can take when we're in pain--way more healing than upbeat words and smiles.

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Actually, you CAN cry ... and you do NOT have to be strong. I was so "strong" for a relative I would visit in a hospital (he was in for a long-term stay) ... that turns out he thought I didn't get the magnitude of his suffering.

 

One day, I couldn't be "strong." I simply sobbed ... I felt so bad for him ... He later told all our families members how moved he was that I had cried ... How he knew I cared for him--by my tears. And I've had this happen multiple times since then with other people I've visited who were ill.

 

Why is crying apparently helpful? ... Because sobbing or being sad convey "I deeply love you and feel so bad about what you're going through. I feel your suffering and pain in my deepest heart."

 

Ironically, HE can then step up to comfort you a bit ... which actually will strengthen him ... and provide him with some "normality." One thing ailing people miss out on ... is helping others they love.

 

There is another reason you don't have to control your emotions and hide your tears and your own pain. That's because one of the worst things we can do when someone is ailing ... and we do this unintentionally ... is act like "everything is OK" when in reality everything is NOT OK. Things are frightening and scary and painful. What can easily happen is the cheerful friends end up MINIMIZING the pain and suffering of the person in the hospital.

 

You can accidentally block him from sharing his fears with you ... which is draining when you're sick and then trying to put on a face for your loved one. Chill ... allow yourself to cry if you want ... don't worry ... you won't get stuck there.

 

Seems like you're a wonderful partner. But relax: Tears and simple silent hugs are among the most healing actions people can take when we're in pain--way more healing than upbeat words and smiles.

 

We sit there looking at each other and we both become teary.

 

We had our date in hospital night it was nice, we really enjoyed ourselves and we were laughing and joking and we watched some tv together.

 

I do give him a lot of cuddles and just hold his hand and we just generally be use. Theres times I just sit there holding his hand.

 

Tonight I just wanted to stay with him, he was getting tired and he said if I wanted to I could stay at his. So thats where I am. I'll give the place a clean in the morning and collect his post up for him, all 5 dominos leaflets.

 

I feel so close to him and I have to admit I have had a little cry here.

 

Hope people don't mind me talking, I don't have many people here in the UK I can talk to.

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This morning I was awoken at 2am to be told my boyfriend has had a massive attack, I've got to admit I've cried and I cried all the way to the hospital and I've just been sat with him holding his hand telling him I love him. He just kept squeezing my hand.

 

I might just hide under a duvet today.

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I'm so sorry to read this. Take care of yourself during this distressful time.

 

Thank you, to be honest I need to. I've not really been eating or sleeping properly. I'm listening out for the phone.

 

I'm scared. I worry the next phone call could be a very bad one.

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