Why did he contact me again just to reject me (again)?

[Khaysha92]

I Will try and make this as short as Possible!

 

BACKSTORY

I went on a date with a guy in October 2018, i thought it went really well but he didn't want to see me again... I was abit gutted but it is what it is.

 

He randomly contacted me on Facebook last week (January 2019) and we started talking again. He explained that he was in a bad place and he thought he was ready to date again but once we met he realised he wasn't and he didn't want to waste my time which is why he stepped away from the situation. He said he's still not 100% sure what he wants but he's been thinking loads about me and wants to see me again.

 

So we agreed to meet up a few days later, we went for a meal it was really good to see him again, we spoke loads and he told me about why his head is where it is etc...

 

I stayed over his last night (nothing happened except kisses and cuddles we both agreed to just take the evening slowly) he cooked for me and once again we spoke loads he opened up more about his emotional baggage (his words not mine) but i could tell he was still really conflicted but I was hopeful we were moving in the correct direction.

 

He rang me a few hours after I got home and basically said it's unfair for him to unload his issues onto me and he can't be the partner I deserve because his mind isn't where it needs to be for a relationship. Understandable once again I'm gutted and feeling extremely rejected even though he's said numerous times it's not a failing on my part but just something he needs to deal with.

 

I'm abit pissed off he dragged me back in because I do really like this guy and I'd moved on. Now I'm back to thinking about him and even though we have only been on a few dates I can tell from his character he's somebody who would be good for me and I'm more than happy to wait a reasonable amount of time for him to sort his mind out.

 

I just have so many questions about the entire situation but I'll just ask 2 lol

 

1) what can I do to make him see I don't mind his baggage/ it won't be the same with me as it has been with his ex?

And

2) is it worth reasonable waiting for him to deal with these issues or just move since this is the 2nd time?

 

I'm 26 he's 34 if that makes any difference.

[manfrombelow2]

You don't have to do anything. I was in both your shoes and his shoes, so I know that when people no longer want you, they can make up many kinds of excuses to justify their action. And it's not their faults. It's our job to take the hint.

 

 

1) what can I do to make him see I don't mind his baggage/ it won't be the same with me as it has been with his ex?

 

Basically and simply saying, you were dumped by him, not once, but twice. It's more than reasonable for you to stop wanting him romantically.

 

2) is it worth reasonable waiting for him to deal with these issues or just move since this is the 2nd time?

 

I'm 26 he's 34 if that makes any difference.

[manfrombelow2]

When people love you and want to stay with you, even if there are 1000 reasons to leave, they would find the one reason to stay.

 

When people no longer love and no longer want to stay with you, even if there are 1000 reasons not to leave, they would find the one reason to leave.

 

That's the law of the universe.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

He did this because he has nothing better to do and wants the attention. Do not wait for him, he does not get a third chance. If you allow this, he will flit in and out of your life. You will end up hurt. Stop all contact, you need see value in yourself or he will walk all over you.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

1) what can I do to make him see I don't mind his baggage/ it won't be the same with me as it has been with his ex?

And

2) is it worth reasonable waiting for him to deal with these issues or just move since this is the 2nd time?

 

I'm 26 he's 34 if that makes any difference.

 

Men...heck people...tend to do what's in their best interest.

 

He knew he wasn't ready for anything serious but he wanted some sort of connection

 

He could and probably have tried to connect with brand new women or other women he know but maybe it didn't pan out and he was lonely

 

So he remembered you. Thought a girl who I have connected with before that was interested in me. Let me try her

 

You see it's more easy to go back to "old faithful" which would be an ex or a woman who a man has romantically interacted with successfully before then go back out and try to find and re-get to know a brand new woman

 

If all he wanted was to connect with someone in the short term and he didn't have real intentions to enter into a relationship, commit, or connect long term then this would be a reason you would see a guy just reach back out only to disappear

 

He might just wanted a little validation, ego boost, a little intimacy, to be heard, maybe just bored.

 

He only had so much intimacy within him to begin with

 

So don't waste your time trying to wait on him to come around because he may never. He just may be an emotionally unavailable guy in general or he may not wanted to go there with you like that. Either way that ain't what you want or need

 

It's good that he told you what he is about up front. Pleeeeeeeass Believe him.

 

Don't idealize him. Look at what he has already shown you. He told you he not ready. He flaked twice. That's all you need to know to let a guy like that alone.

[TheFinalWord]

He explained that he was in a bad place and he thought he was ready to date again but once we met he realised he wasn't and he didn't want to waste my time which is why he stepped away from the situation. He said he's still not 100% sure what he wants but he's been thinking loads about me and wants to see me again.

 

I call BS here. He could have called to tell you that instead of bolting. Very convenient for him. More than likely a girl he was dealing with bailed on him and you were a back up.

[PRW]

He explained that he was in a bad place

Yea, right. It means he had his eye on another chick and she dumped him, and you are the backup.

 

he opened up more about his emotional baggage

He's a drama queen. He's 34 going on 17.

 

You need a man you can "look up" to and rely on,...not some weak guy you have the carry along and help the poor little thing over life's obstacles.

Edited January 21, 2019 by PRW

[stillafool]

If you don't want to get rejected by him again and really move on this time block him and move on.

 

No, there is nothing you can do to change his mind and why would you want to? He either wants you or he doesn't.

[smackie9]

first time...he got a better offer....second time, he didn't get sex, got another prospect for sex with someone else. That's all he is looking for.

[manfrombelow2]

I learned the hard way that you just cannot "convince" or "talk" someone into loving you.

 

A person either loves you or doesn't.

 

There's nothing in between.

 

When a person loves you, you don't need to say anything because that person loves you.

 

When a person doesn't love you, you don't need to say anything because that person doesn't love you anyway.

[Khaysha92]

Thank you all for your replies. It all makes sense it's just such a shame because I did really like him and he seemed genuine when he talks but I know men lie alot so it is what it is... Again.

 

I'm so unlucky in love oh well xx

[Curiousroxy86]

Thank you all for your replies. It all makes sense it's just such a shame because I did really like him and he seemed genuine when he talks but I know men lie alot so it is what it is... Again.

 

I'm so unlucky in love oh well xx

I know girl. We just gotta learn to let go of the wrong guys quickly till we find Mr Right. Try not to get too exasperated when you find out a guy is wrong for you. That's VALUABLE information so you know not to waste anymore time. Hang in there.

[greymatter]

Thank you all for your replies. It all makes sense it's just such a shame because I did really like him and he seemed genuine when he talks but I know men lie alot so it is what it is... Again.

 

I'm so unlucky in love oh well xx

 

You are not unlucky in love just because this didn’t work out. He doesn’t sound worth the trouble. You are lucky to not get involved with him beyond the two dates. Be more selective in what you want for yourself than a guy who doesn’t want what you want. You got caught up in the fantasy of what could be, but in reality this was simply not a match at all and you are better off without this type of low interest guy.

 

Learn from it. Have higher standards for how you want to be treated in very early dates (and beyond).

[Lotsgoingon]

He sounds profoundly conflicted ... meaning every logical bone in his body says he should date you ... and yet he can't bring himself to surrender to you.

 

Surely, you've been conflicted before--wanting to like someone more than you actually liked them or more precisely thinking they are a great person but somehow not feeling comfortable dating them.

 

Now, I get that this was confusing, but you jumped to conclusions based on the flimsy evidence that he reached out to you. Go more literal next time ... him reaching out ... was just him reaching out. Didn't mean he changed his mind or was a new person. Ideally you would have visited him with skepticism about what he felt and thought ... and sorta protected yourself.

 

Sure, that's hard ... maybe impossible. You got your hopes up again and now you feel like he led you on. But the good news is now you KNOW and know for sure, that this guy isn't a guy who can be there for you and treat you as you want to be treated.

 

You can move on ... and if you ever doubt yourself, you will know you gave him multiple chances.

 

And seriously, you are fortunate he acted this way now ... This dynamic of a conflicted partner NEVER gets better, and there are people out there married to partners who are conflicted about them. There is no worse emptiness.

 

I get the pain and confusion. I'm just not sure he betrayed you in putting out a new feeler. Clumsy yes ... a mess yes ... infuriating yes ... but not betrayal and certainly not a deliberate attempt to hurt your feelings.

 

Good luck.

[Khaysha92]

 

I get the pain and confusion. I'm just not sure he betrayed you in putting out a new feeler. Clumsy yes ... a mess yes ... infuriating yes ... but not betrayal and certainly not a deliberate attempt to hurt your feelings.

 

Good luck.

 

I really hope it wasn't deliberate and deep down I don't think it was but as you have said it's very infuriating.. he does seem to want to date me but there's something holding him back. He keeps saying he just knows there's adjustments he needs to make not to date me perssy but to date in general because he ends up frustrated and ending realtionship over stupid things.

 

I did allow myself fall into "what could be" but I did protect myself by making it very clear nothing would be happening without some sort of commitment which he to his credit he didn't just lie and tell me what i wanted to hear. Still very annoying just wish I knew what was going on in his head!?

[Versacehottie]

Thank you all for your replies. It all makes sense it's just such a shame because I did really like him and he seemed genuine when he talks but I know men lie alot so it is what it is... Again.

 

I'm so unlucky in love oh well xx

 

You need to change the mindset of the bolded above. It will lead you in the wrong direction, have you make decisions that are not the best for you. I tend to think there is not much to luck (or being unlucky) but that you are a big part of the decisions that lead you to where you end up. So before you see only the negative of that in that you must be cursed and brought it upon yourself, see it in the way that you have personal responsibility and CHOICE. You can make better and better decisions that lead you in the direction you want to go/end up.

 

 

It's great that you are trying to have standards--but maybe since you are new to doing so you aren't as comfortable as others with sticking to them. There are a ton of ways to re-characterize what happen to you that give you more power and will help you toward success. First, don't say that why you ended up here is a product of bad luck or that it's something inherent in you. That gives you very little control over the ability to change it if you actually believe it is true. Much better to say that some relationships don't turn out the way i had hoped or this isn't the right time for us and what i want is a much bigger priority than his problems.

 

Also in one of your beginning posts you indicated wanting to stick around while he figured himself out and through his problems. A nice thing to do however maybe that is part of why you ended up here. IMO, too forgiving toward someone that is basically a stranger and that you have no real relationship with yet. In other words you need to put yourself first. It's ok that it's not your natural reaction. You just need practice. You have to have belief that you will find someone perfect for you. If anything, the fact that this guy came back should show that there is something special about you--take that part, NOT putting this person on a pedestal and forgetting your own goals. Don't have fear that you won't get what you want if you keep moving forward--it will help you from getting stuck on the wrong people in the wrong time.

 

Lastly, forget wanting to know what's going on in his head. You know enough. He is not going to give you what you want right now. And that's all you need to know in order to move on. Start seeing things from your perspective rather than wanting to know or understand from his perspective (effectively that puts him first over you--and in a position where you will feel compelled to resolve or fix whatever the excuse or blockage from him not wanting to be with you). There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to bump into the right person at the right time. If that doesn't move you forward, i'm not sure what will. Adopt that mindset.

[Curiousroxy86]

Preach Versace preach!

[Lotsgoingon]

Still very annoying just wish I knew what was going on in his head!?

 

There is nothing special going in his head ... other than he likes you but doesn't want to date you ... You're thinking there's something deep or profound going on in his head ... Trust me, on matters like this for the male brain, there's nothing deep or clever in his head that is worth you knowing or exploring further.

 

Tip to you that I wish I had learned earlier: stay out of people's heads ... especially at the start. You don't care what's in their heads. You only care how they are treating you ... you want to evaluate actions ... You figure out what's in their head by how they treat you and by how they treat others in their life.

 

Trying to imagine what people are thinking is a great way of deluding yourself into thinking there is something you shoulda/coulda/woulda done (had you only known his thinking) to change the course of the relationship.

 

Stay with the actions. He's been distant. He's still distant. He's not giving you want you want. Period!

[rightondude]

words are cheap. Anyone with half a creative brain can come up with words that make you think they give a damn. Actions are ALL that matters.

 

He was bored and lonely is my guess. Sorry.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Thank you all for your replies. It all makes sense it's just such a shame because I did really like him and he seemed genuine when he talks but I know men lie alot so it is what it is... Again.

 

I'm so unlucky in love oh well xx

 

Don't be so soon to jump to "men lie all the time". Not all men lie and not all women tell the truth. This isn't gender specific, but has to do w/the moral character of the person. If you go w/"men lie all the time" when dating, you will never trust anyone.

[Khaysha92]

 

if anything, the fact that this guy came back should show that there is something special about you--take that part, NOT putting this person on a pedestal and forgetting your own goals. Don't have fear that you won't get what you want if you keep moving forward--it will help you from getting stuck on the wrong people in the wrong time.

 

 

I love your reply it was so deep and honest. So much to take away from you kind words. I need to really evaluate the way I look at the situation. Thank you!

[Curiousroxy86]

There is nothing special going in his head ... other than he likes you but doesn't want to date you ... You're thinking there's something deep or profound going on in his head ... Trust me, on matters like this for the male brain, there's nothing deep or clever in his head that is worth you knowing or exploring further.

 

Tip to you that I wish I had learned earlier: stay out of people's heads ... especially at the start. You don't care what's in their heads. You only care how they are treating you ... you want to evaluate actions ... You figure out what's in their head by how they treat you and by how they treat others in their life.

 

Trying to imagine what people are thinking is a great way of deluding yourself into thinking there is something you shoulda/coulda/woulda done (had you only known his thinking) to change the course of the relationship.

 

Stay with the actions. He's been distant. He's still distant. He's not giving you want you want. Period!

 

This. We having church in this thread. Dropping so much wisdom. Preach lots preach! Amen sister/brother whatever you are