darkrai100 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 So there's this girl in my college that I've been talking to, but I found out she's in a relationship. Normally, this is where 99% of guys back off, but I chose to stick around since I don't mind being in the friendzone at this point. She's a good friend/classmate, I like her company, and I'll take whatever she offers to be honest. I'm willing to wait for her, since I'm not exactly in a rush as I get my own life together. The reason why I'm confident in waiting is that she and her boyfriend are having issues. She claims she hasn't been happy for a year now, and that she questions why she's even with her boyfriend. They don't speak that often or even eat together. She always eats by herself during lunch, spends all of her weekends alone in her dorm, and when they text they're always arguing. She knows this relationship won't last, given how they're different in so many ways and are drifting apart. The only reason why she's afraid to break up with him is that she fears he'll commit suicide or do something stupid. At first, I just saw her as a classmate -- didn't think I had a chance at all. But through the months, I noticed she constantly reaches out to me. What started off as one text a week became daily texting, and from daily texting, straight to an all-nighter where she had me help her with a report. Suddenly, we're having lunch together, and because we're working on a project, we're having dinner as well lol. (Obviously, I know this also made possible because her boyfriend isn't giving her the attention she needs.) She's starting to open up more to me, and telling me about her problems and whatnot. Lately, I've been hearing the same thing: that they're on the verge of breaking up and that she's already found someone better. Her friends and her roommates have privately questioned if that person is me. But I have a few questions of my own lol. What do you guys make of this? Could I possibly have a chance? How do I distinguish between if she actually likes me, or that she's just not getting the attention she wants from her boyfriend and is simply using me? What should I do, thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Be careful here, OP. What she's doing right now is not cool, regardless of how unhappy she is. I read that she lives in the dorm, so I get that she is young and not that experienced in life yet, but it would be a better mark of her character if she took care of ending that relationship first rather than going around telling people she's already found someone better. She might like you, but the chance that she's going to really be ready to date someone else when she finally does break up with him are shaky. If he has threatened suicide, this probably will not be a clean and tidy split where both parties move on relatively easily. There is a high probability for back-and-forth in a break-up like that. I would pull back and observe. Don't feel the need to always be her fall-back guy when she wants attention. If she wonders why you're not as available to her, you could simply explain that you like her and don't feel comfortable getting close unless and until she is single. See what she does with that. That will tell you where her mind is really at. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Right now you are an orbiter. Your presence strokes her ego. Every day you are there she loses respect for you. Guys like you think that if you stick around once the other romance ends, the girl will pick you next because you have been there patiently waiting. Unfortunately, it rarely works that way because the girl sees you as somebody with nothing else going on that you are willing to be a doormat waiting for her. I'm not saying stop talking to her. I am encouraging you to have other interests & go on other dates. Make sure she knows you are desirable. With any luck you will find a new girl who is open to dating you & you will forget all about this game player. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Osho Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Truly examine what she’s doing. She’s staying with someone she’s not happy with at all. That speaks volumes of her character. And self worth. She spends more time with you than her boyfriend. Which is a super unhealthy way for you to start a relationship. Imagine a year into you being her rebound and you two start fighting. Who will she be spending most of her time with then? Also how many people have you seen leave a grueling relationship just bounce back before it official ends. I personally advise my friends to spend some time after a break to get back to themselves before dragging their last parnter into the next relationship. If you’re going to wait for her you would have to truly move yourself into friend zone to give her time to re situate herself. Do you think she will stay single long enough for that? Do you think you could stand being the low key in love friend who watches her date man after man before she realizes you are the one for her? And logically do you think either of you will respect you for doing that? If there was a real connection between you two leaving her horrible relationship for feelings she can’t ignore would have been a no brainer. All you can really do is what expat suggested, but even then will it nag your subconscious in the long run that you were a plan B and not a plan A? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 My view: A. Ask her for a date B. Continue to waste your time. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 (edited) So there's this girl in my college that I've been talking to, but I found out she's in a relationship. Normally, this is where 99% of guys back off, but I chose to stick around since I don't mind being in the friendzone at this point.No this is where 99% of the guys do what you are asking to do. The 1% who have a clue and understand reality walk away. Don't be a loser. This stuff has been common knowledge for years. Search YouTube for any videos on the Beta Male Orbiter and learn how bad it is. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=beta+male+orbiter Edited January 16, 2019 by PRW 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 She's probably sees you as an escape from a BF that doesn't give he much attention. I bet money on it most the stuff she has told you is exaggerated. If she breaks up with her BF to be with you, you just may end up as a rebound or a stepping stone. She will probably jump to another branch, or she will feel guilt and go back to her ex. Most of the time, these things do not work out. Being a beta orbiter is bad. You don't get GFs that way...you get used, and they wipe their feet on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelliousme Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 The question is why would you want to be with someone like that? If you guys do go out, she'll do the same: go behind your back.. hang out with another guy constantly, flirting and texting him every night about her relationship problems with you. She's probably not telling you the whole story. I doubt she doesn't want to leave him because he'll commit suicide. So NO don't wait for her to break up. I don't even think she's interested in you. If anything you're more likely to be a rebound for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Dude, You have no idea how many men (and women) have had their hearts broken for holding onto the hope that you're holding on to. I had my heart broken twice by the same woman ... when I acted like you did ... as a close friend and confidant to a woman who was unhappy in the relationship she had. Our rapport was so good ... so amazing ... that I thought it was a no-brainer to date her ... Looking back, there was NEVER an ounce of flirting ... I treated her like a little sister, almost. She certainly saw me as a big brother--not a dating partner. What I learned: The woman never takes up with the guy in your position. Never. She likes you as a friend ... as my former interest liked me as a friend. She likes you for support ... If she liked you more than that, she would have snuck in a kiss ... or flirted directly with you ... (yes, even while with other guy) ... She might have caught herself and stopped, but you would have FELT her attraction. ... Sorry to tell you: for whatever reason, she sees her bf as someone she wants to date (whether she can make it happy is a different question--but she sees him as someone she wants to have sex with) ... She doesn't see you as a dating partner or else you would now be dating her. Something between you two ain't gonna happen. What will happen is she'll cry on your shoulder about the upcoming breakup with bad bf. You will be the good guy ... listener and consoler and all of that ... And you will think her crying to you and opening up to you means she is getting close to you ... which she is ... AS A FRIEND! ... In not too long, she'll start talking about some other guy she wants to date. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 If she was really unhappy in her relationship, she would leave. What she is doing right now by forming a relationship with another man while staying with her boyfriend is a HUGE red flag. And if what she is saying is true, you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation by “befriending” a woman who is dating another man - a pretty unstable man if he is threatening suicide. I would take a big step back. How long do you wait - well, that depends on how much time you want to waste... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 This is just another version of a person getting involved with a person who is still emotionally involved with another. It is a waste of time and it will be YOU that gets hurt. It doesn't matter if they say they love them, they hate them, they are arguing 24/7, they are on a break, they are fighting on SoMe, or any other "involvement". Truth is they have "unfinished business", so STAY AWAY. BTW women love to vent about their "no good bf", but that doesn't mean they do not love them or would not die for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkrai100 Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 Update here... Thanks for your responses. I've had some time to contemplate over everyone's advices, and after giving a lot of thought to this situation, I find myself still very attracted to her... It's been a little over a month now, and I've since heard from mutual friends that she and her boyfriend have indeed broken up. We're just coming off our winter break, which lasted for about a month. Before break, I had asked her to keep in contact with me, which she did for about the first few weeks. She would message me everyday, albeit small talk. The one thing I found strange was that she never once mentioned breaking up with her boyfriend over text. Anyway, so we kept the conversation going for about a few weeks, until it slowly started dying. A text a day slowly turned into a text a week, to eventually not responding to me after she was hospitalized for a sudden fever. However, in between, she posted a photo of her and a guy holding hands to social media, which is since deleted. But what a coincidence it happened during the time she stopped texting me.... The last text I sent her was asking about her condition, which was several weeks ago. Fast forward to today. She still hasn't responded to that text lol, but we finally met in person on campus. When she walked into class, she gave me the most awkward look, and pretended to not see me as she passed by. Not gonna lie, it hurt a little, but I figured I'd be the bigger person and say "hi" after the lecture. We then went to lunch with two other girls in class, and on the way, I tried talking to her, but she felt so distant. It was almost like the first time talking to each other. So I told her that I felt like we were strangers, and that we've become distant, blah blah. But she responded, "if we were strangers, I wouldn't be talking to you, would I?" And then as place our orders for lunch, she orders the usual for me and grabs my arm (didn't know what that's about). Then for our afternoon lecture, she completely ignores me again... I still have not had the chance to sit down and talk with her one-on-one, but am planning to do so in the next coming days. I plan to ask her to get desserts with me after class one of these few days, and actually talk. The way I see it is that we needed to reconcile after the month-long break. At least get an idea what's going on and determine where to go from there. Is this a good idea? And also, curious to know what you guys think is going on here? Thanks as always. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 I was right she jumped branches to be with someone else (short term). She's distancing herself because she doesn't want you to have the idea she wants to date you. Like I said, you were an escape for her during those close times ...now she's drawing a line in the sand for you not to cross. She just realized you were crushing on her and she feels bad she won't be reciprocating that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkrai100 Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 I was right she jumped branches to be with someone else (short term). She's distancing herself because she doesn't want you to have the idea she wants to date you. Like I said, you were an escape for her during those close times ...now she's drawing a line in the sand for you not to cross. She just realized you were crushing on her and she feels bad she won't be reciprocating that. At first, I thought so too, that she used me as a stepping stone of some sort. And I'll even go as far as to say that she more than likely had someone in mind as soon as she broke free from that relationship... However, her friends have told me that that's her way of testing guys, by posting pictures like that just to see what kind of reaction she gets out of them. Regardless of whatever she's trying to do, would it be a smart idea to try asking her out and talking to her? Or do you advise to just give up on the spot? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 However, her friends have told me that that's her way of testing guys, by posting pictures like that just to see what kind of reaction she gets out of them. Regardless of whatever she's trying to do, would it be a smart idea to try asking her out and talking to her? Or do you advise to just give up on the spot? If that's her game, she is too immature for a relationship. I would not read that as a sign of interest in you. She started fading out and never bothered responding to you. A girl who is interested doesn't do that. She'd be too worried someone else would grab your attention. She was distracted and didn't even bother letting you know she is single. There is a reason for that, and it's likely because someone else is on her mind. If she is trying to get some guy's attention on social media, I don't think it's yours. Sorry OP, but you are best to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 She never mentioned they had broken up...that should tell you something. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 So there's this girl in my college that I've been talking to, but I found out she's in a relationship. Normally, this is where 99% of guys back off, but I chose to stick around since I don't mind being in the friendzone at this point. She's a good friend/classmate, I like her company, and I'll take whatever she offers to be honest. I'm willing to wait for her, since I'm not exactly in a rush as I get my own life together. Translation: I'm an orbiter At first, I just saw her as a classmate -- didn't think I had a chance at all. But through the months, I noticed she constantly reaches out to me. Don't confusing being used as an emotional tampon as being the same as romantic interest. She's using you because you make yourself too available. Anyway, so we kept the conversation going for about a few weeks, until it slowly started dying. A text a day slowly turned into a text a week,to eventually not responding to me after she was hospitalized for a sudden fever. However, in between, she posted a photo of her and a guy holding hands to social media, which is since deleted. The last text I sent her was asking about her condition, which was several weeks ago. Fast forward to today. She still hasn't responded to that text lol, but we finally met in person on campus. When she walked into class, she gave me the most awkward look, and pretended to not see me as she passed by.What do you guys make of this? Could I possibly have a chance? What I make of this is what I made of it before the update: she's using you for attention, that ran its course and she's done with you. Now when she sees you, she cringes. She was never available to you. At all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
david2 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I think you need to Respect the fact that she is committed with someone else and that she looks forward to spending her life with him. So, be a mature friend and respect her relationship if you’re really in love with her, let her be happy and do not cause chaos. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I think you need to Respect the fact that she is committed with someone else and that she looks forward to spending her life with him. So, be a mature friend and respect her relationship if you’re really in love with her, let her be happy and do not cause chaos. While I certainly agree with what you are saying in principle, I think you need to read the whole thread which includes OP's update: "I've since heard from mutual friends that she and her boyfriend have indeed broken up." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkrai100 Posted February 24, 2019 Author Share Posted February 24, 2019 While I certainly agree with what you are saying in principle, I think you need to read the whole thread which includes OP's update: "I've since heard from mutual friends that she and her boyfriend have indeed broken up." Yes, indeed they've broken up. (Though I have no idea whether or not she's found anyone else ever since.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkrai100 Posted February 24, 2019 Author Share Posted February 24, 2019 Thanks everyone for your responses. After doing some self-reflection I was able to see this situation a lot clearer. I think it's safe to say the understanding here is that she's not interested and that any possible hint of interest was probably existent only in my head. To say that it's been a tough transition period is an understatement. I think when you form a close bond with someone, and it suddenly disappears overnight, the natural thing to do is to go ask for answers. Especially when you still see each other every single day on campus. When I see her, I still think of "what if", and all the things I'd say to her and all the questions I'd ask... Plus, I have a hard time getting over the thought of another guy swooping in right now. Because this is the first time I'm experiencing this sort of situation lol, based on everyone's responses, I'm assuming I should walk away from her completely? (As in, not initiating any contact, and ignoring her when I see her?) Or do I leave the door open if she ever does contact me again? What should be my next course of action? Please advise, thanks as always. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Yes walk away and go NC.....move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 You need to move on, OP. There is no need to worry about another guy swooping in, as I don't believe you were ever really an option she wanted to pursue. You kept her company and gave her attention when her now-ex wasn't but it appears that was the extent of her interest in you. If she felt more, you would have been the first one to know - directly from her - that she was single again. You heard it instead through the grapevine. There's nothing here to leave a door open to. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I'm assuming I should walk away from her completely? (As in, not initiating any contact, and ignoring her when I see her?) Or do I leave the door open if she ever does contact me again? What should be my next course of action? Please advise, thanks as always. Yes. You walk away and leave her alone. She's not going to contact you for anything but one sided attention. If she wanted something with you, her actions would have follow suit long before now. They haven't. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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