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Does it sound like my boyfriend is ghosting me?


Lexxi

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Been seeing this guy for 3 months now. We’re both divorced with kids, work full time, live over an hour away from each other so we have made time for each otrher on the weekends we don’t have our kids and the occasional weekday. I’ve posted about him before that he’s not big on communicating when we’re apart, yet is absolutely amazing and attentive when we’re together.

 

I feel like this past month I’ve done most of the initiating, because in the beginning, he would bring up seeing each other again prior to our date even being over. Lately, he hasn’t been doing that. So I’ll bring it up and he accepts without hesitation.

 

Earlier this month, I finally told him how I felt, that I feel like I had worn out my welcome. Now this was over text... he seemed confused and wanted me to elaborate and told me it’s because of this month with so much going on- several birthdays, family get together, etc. And I noticed after this, he really stepped up, texted everyday, was showing interest in knowing about my day, calling me more, etc. It was going great up until the week before Christmas. He started reaching out less again. Not sure if that was due to Christmas. But the last Wednesday, 9 days ago, he took me to lunch and as we parted ways, I mentioned an event we were looking forward to that will be on TV tomorrow. I asked if he wanted to watch with me and he seemed excited, very keen. We’ve had our kids since then, then the holidays, so we haven’t seen each other. His texts would be sort of short and I’m hoping this is due to maybe some holiday stress on his part.

 

I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday, but then he texted this morning just to say hello. He was at work. After a couple of exchanges, since tomorrow’s event wasn’t even brought up, I asked him if we were still on. He said he was for sure up for it. Then I asked him if his plans, wanted to know if he felt like going to eat first, because the place we like is always packed so I wanted to know if I should make reservations, then asked where he wanted to watch it. That was over 2 hours ago and nothing from him. We were texting then the moment I asked about details for tomorrow he goes silent. Does this all sound like he’s only saying yes because he committed to it already and is just fading away?

 

I just wish I knew what was in his head. For reference, we are not bf/gf but we’ve had a couple of talks, put it out there that we are not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last time we saw each other he put effort into asking me to meet for lunch during work. The time before that, he invited me over, we just did normal stuff- grocery shopping, walked his dog, watched TV, I stayed over and he took me to grab a quick bite for breakfast... not necessarily someone only using me. And a couple of days after that he mentioned he was baking cookies with his kids and couldn’t wait to give me some... although it’s been a little while, I may not get them :) But it was the thought. I just feel like he blows hot and cold. But perhaps he’s just on his way out? What do you all think?

 

Another thing to note, he’s brought up over and over again how much of an introvert he is and if he could cut off all human interaction, he would be totally ok with that. And when there are events/parties, he feels like he needs to retreat and be alone to “recharge”.

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I'veseenbetterlol

People who blow hot and cold are not interested in you. They are not worth the emotional roller coaster. I dated a guy like this long distance. Thankfully I discovered I never really cared for him after dust settled from him dumping me. If he won't make the relationship exclusive and you have to chase him down, he isn't worth the trouble. Start dating other guys, you don't owe him anything. If he gets upset just say that he made you exclusive and that you are searching for that. Personally I would just walk away. I was never a great texter until I started dating my 1st ex, believe me when you like someone, you will text you. Texting is impersonal yes, but its so simple that if your partner loves when you text them, then you text them. The guy I dated told me he wasn't a texter and a whole could go by w/out a single message. When I hung out w/him, he was glued to his phone, replying to his friends, so its not he wasn't a texter, he just didn't text me.

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Personally, 2 hours isn’t that long! The guy I’m seeing can go for more than 5 hours without texting me if he’s busy or working, or when he’s gaming. I know how he is, and I stopped being stressed about it because he shows me he cares in many different ways. He’s also not a big planner. We spend every weekend together, so that’s always implied, but during the week, I’m always the one saying: « Hey I could come spend the evening with you sometime this week » to which he’ll answer « Sure » or « Why not »! At first, it was bugging me a little, but I came to realize that just who he is. So, I don’t know about your guy specifically, but mine is pretty similar (keeps to himself, doesn’t see that many people, etc.), and it’s not because he’s not interested... we’re in a serious relationship however!

Maybe call him tonight!? I prefer the phone over text for serious conversation or when he takes longer to answer.

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Personally, 2 hours isn’t that long! The guy I’m seeing can go for more than 5 hours without texting me if he’s busy or working, or when he’s gaming. I know how he is, and I stopped being stressed about it because he shows me he cares in many different ways. He’s also not a big planner. We spend every weekend together, so that’s always implied, but during the week, I’m always the one saying: « Hey I could come spend the evening with you sometime this week » to which he’ll answer « Sure » or « Why not »! At first, it was bugging me a little, but I came to realize that just who he is. So, I don’t know about your guy specifically, but mine is pretty similar (keeps to himself, doesn’t see that many people, etc.), and it’s not because he’s not interested... we’re in a serious relationship however!

Maybe call him tonight!? I prefer the phone over text for serious conversation or when he takes longer to answer.

 

You’re right, could be just how he is because he’s exhibited this behavior before. And actually, it’s been 6 hours now. He’s never gone that long without replying to my message. This is a first. I was thinking of calling him tonight, but you don’t think it would seem needy, given the fact he never replied to my last message? I do miss him... we mostly text, with a couple calls here and there but I haven’t heard his voice in 9 freakin days.

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You’re right, could be just how he is because he’s exhibited this behavior before. And actually, it’s been 6 hours now. He’s never gone that long without replying to my message. This is a first. I was thinking of calling him tonight, but you don’t think it would seem needy, given the fact he never replied to my last message? I do miss him... we mostly text, with a couple calls here and there but I haven’t heard his voice in 9 freakin days.

 

My situation is a bit different because we were exclusive after 1 month and we talk on the phone every night (except if he’s really tired and falls asleep), so I know that no matter if he texts a lot or not during the day, I’ll talk to him before going to bed.

Personally, I’d call and say something along the lines of : « You never answered and I just want to plan what’s gonna happen tomorrow night because if he’s unsure, you’ll just do something else with friends or whatever ». I HATE being on stand by, so I would call him in the evening! I mean, you texted 6 hours ago... calling at 8pm isn’t being needy IMO. If you would of bugged him multiple times today about it, it would be a different story.

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9 days? Apparently he isn't missing you. Don't contact him wait until/if he contacts you.

 

This ^^

 

OP, please don’t call him. You’re doing all the chasing in the “relationship.” This guy is not interested enough in you to make him worth your time. You can’t make someone interested. Just move on.

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For what it’s worth, the 9 days have been due to the fact that the day after he saw me, he had his kids for 3 days, I had mine for 3 days as well(overlapping), then Christmas Eve, Christmas with our own families, then kids again. So the only day after our last date we could’ve seen each other without the kids would’ve been Christmas Eve and he was stressed out preparing for a a family gathering.

 

Not making any excuses for him, but our schedules don’t allow much time with each other.

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For what it’s worth, the 9 days have been due to the fact that the day after he saw me, he had his kids for 3 days, I had mine for 3 days as well(overlapping), then Christmas Eve, Christmas with our own families, then kids again. So the only day after our last date we could’ve seen each other without the kids would’ve been Christmas Eve and he was stressed out preparing for a a family gathering.

 

Not making any excuses for him, but our schedules don’t allow much time with each other.

 

But you said you haven’t heard his voice in 9 days, so not even a phone call. I can’t imagine not even talking to someone you love for 9 days (texting is not the same).

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It’s only been 3 months- no “I love yous” yet :)

 

But yeah, I totally get it about not hearing a persons voice for that long.o feel like *****. But at the same time, we’ve never been big on phon calls from the get go. Mostly texts and we just enjoy each other when we are together.

 

He finally just texted back a few minutes ago basically saying he’s definitely up for xyz, and that was it. In the most emotionless, robotic “tone”. I don’t even get the “can’t wait to see you tomorrow”, or “sounds amazing, I’m excited!” text anymore.

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Usually it’s a bas sign, but he’s got kids and he’s divorced and these are the holidays. Unless you’re already in a relationship, you shouldn’t expect much from a date during this time. Pull back a bit, be with your own family and let this guy come to you. You may be adding more stress by being pushy.

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He made a point of telling you he needs alone time. Are you sure this is right for you? I like a guy who needs alone time and no need for contact for several days because I am like that. But I know it doesn't work for everyone. He may have realized you two are incompatible when he couldn't make you happy. And likely he has seen this scenario before. I don't think you're needy, it's just that you can't change him.

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But you said you haven’t heard his voice in 9 days, so not even a phone call. I can’t imagine not even talking to someone you love for 9 days (texting is not the same).

 

It’s 9 days since she saw him not since she spoken to him

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He made a point of telling you he needs alone time. Are you sure this is right for you? I like a guy who needs alone time and no need for contact for several days because I am like that. But I know it doesn't work for everyone. He may have realized you two are incompatible when he couldn't make you happy. And likely he has seen this scenario before. I don't think you're needy, it's just that you can't change him.

 

Sorry I should clarify. He didn’t tell me he needs his alone time from me. He just mentioned in the past, in general that he does enjoy his alone time as he’s a big introvert.

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It’s 9 days since she saw him not since she spoken to him

 

Correct. I guess what she meant though was that I haven’t spoken to him over the phone, like as in a phone conversation hearing his voice. And yes, that’s the case. But we have been texting.

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Sorry I should clarify. He didn’t tell me he needs his alone time from me. He just mentioned in the past, in general that he does enjoy his alone time as he’s a big introvert.

 

Huh???? What's the difference between wanting alone time and wanting alone time from you? Alone is alone.

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Huh???? What's the difference between wanting alone time and wanting alone time from you? Alone is alone.

 

I thought you were implying that he told me now that he wants to be alone. That’s not the case.

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Wait for him to respond to you - don't text him again or call him.

 

Find something else to keep you busy in the meantime - get into a good book or movie, call and chat with a friend.

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It’s 9 days since she saw him not since she spoken to him

 

“we mostly text, with a couple calls here and there but I haven’t heard his voice in 9 freakin days.”

 

That was what she said word for word.

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Ok, so since it took him 6 hours to respond to me asking about details, and his responses were actually quite cold, I’m rethinking it and wondering if I should just tell him we should cancel tomorrow. Just make it short like “hey, change of plans, can’t do tomorrow. Sorry. Hope you have a great weekend.”

 

Because his response 6 hours later was so robotic “I’m definitely up for eating g there and yes, let’s watch xyz over there.” No warmth or enthusiasm.

 

I needed to know when to make reservations cause this was all based on when he got to my town and what his schedule was like so I asked him if he wanted me to make those reservations. His response... “yes, good idea.” Ummmm ok he should’ve told me a time. So I asked him if 6 pm would work or a different time. He replied “that would work.”

 

Not usually like him to be so short and cold with his texts so I don’t know what’s going on and I know he’s free tonight. He usually takes Friday to catch up on house stuff and rest because he works Saturdays half day. And he’ll usually text or call me. Well, nothing so far. Not since that cold exchange and it’s almost 9pm.

 

I feel like he’s not wanting to even see me now and maybe he’s just being nice and feeling like he almost has to because he committed to it last time we saw each other. Would you all just cancel? Because I’m honestly feeling so awful, like trash, like he is probably dreading tomorrow and I don’t want someone to feel forced to hang out with me. Cancel or just go through with it?

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Oh oh. It does not sound good. Pick up the phone and talk to him. Texts are too hard to get a read on people. If you speak you can tell his level of interest more easily.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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We’ve been seeing each other for 4 months, had the relationship talk and made it official about 2 weeks ago and every since then, things have progressed wonderfully. We’ve spent more time together, he is so sweet and attentive, I met one of his best friends this past weekend and we had such a great time together. I stayed the night Saturday and when I was leaving his house yesterday, all seemed normal. He gave me a kiss goodbye, said he couldn’t wait to see me Tuesday (tomorrow).

 

We typically will text each other before bed and/or in the morning, even if we have our kids, it can be difficult but he has always reached out. I knew he picked up his kids yesterday and would likely be busy, but I sent him a couple photos we took over the weekend. He responded saying they were great pics and he had a good weekend with me. Then as I was getting ready to head to bed. I shot him a good night text and for the very first time, ever, he didn’t respond. I didn’t even get a text this morning. I figured just in case he somehow missed my text last night, he would see it this morning and respond. Nothing. I wanted to feel him out, also since we have plans tomorrow, so I reached out to him and he responded with an emotionless, generic text thanking me for wishing him a good Monday and he hopes I have a good one. I then responded with a few words, followed by “everything ok?” Because honestly guys, I’m feeling something is off since I left his house. He hasn’t responded to that. Last night was the first night he ignored my text. I thought we had a wonderful weekend together... possible he had a change of heart all of a sudden? How do I handle?

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Ghost you, really? You had a great weekend, he said he'd see you on Tuesday. If I'm correct today is Tuesday. Why can't you just relax and let things unfold as you two said?

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You handle by giving him space and not freaking out for no good reason. Give him the space he seems to be needing and he will probably "come back". If you chase he will only get more distant. Perhaps read a bit on the concept of men pulling away and rubber bands, as John Gray and others explain it:

 

https://www.marsvenus.com/blog/john-gray/did-his-rubber-band-break

 

Today is Monday and your date is tomorrow. That's just an excuse you're using to contact him again and try to pull him back cause you're uncomfortable with his sudden distance. Give him the space he needs. If there's something really going on you will find out sooner than later.

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