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Talking exclusivity before sex vs having sex to determine if you want exclusivity


edgygirl

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This is a topic that really confuses me. I know that usually after you have sex with a man, the ship has sailed and it becomes hard to bring up exclusivity if you're a woman (unless in cases where things are going so well that it doesn’t become an issue, those cases are not the point of this thread).

 

On the other hand, I feel funny about having exclusivity talks before having sex, as I’m picky sex-wise and if the sex is not good I am not willing to spend much time teaching anyone in their 40s who’s been around and is still bad at it.

 

So, what’s the right thing to do? Have the exclusivity talk anyway, and then if the sex is bad and not salvageable, you dump them anyway after a few times? Is it really about protecting yourself from STDs after all? Or is it about feeling emotional safety?

 

What’s the verdict on how to go about it?

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The cases where it's going so well that exclusivity isn't an issue are the only ones worth pursuing.

 

That said it should never be hard to bring up exclusivity: if you want exclusivity and he doesn't....then you end it due to incompatibility. If a guy scares off because you mention being exclusive, then he's not into you enough to warrant staying around anyway.

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I'd have to agree with basil. For me its mostly about STDs.

 

I never had an exclusivity talk before sex, but I always ask about the most recent sexual partner and testing status. tbh if I find out someone is multidating as in having sex with other people while dating me, thats a deal breaker. It must be a bit of an american thing to accept things like that I don't know, but where I'm from most people date one person at a time, unless they are looking for a fwb arrangement or some other kind of casual relationship.

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Needing to agree to exclusivity first is a little self-deluding. Sure, things may be going along well at that point, and you may want the assurance of exclusivity before having sex. The problem is that even if you both agree, and then have sex, you can still break up - especially if you're not sexually compatible for some reason. Exclusivity may mean something to some who agree to it in order for there to be sex with you, but there is no assurance that exclusivity - or the relationship - will last.

 

For me, I'd rather evaluate overall compatibility and whether we have the same relationship goals, and then have sex when it feels right (which, frankly, is usually sooner than later). This seems more natural, more honest, and less coercive.

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Thanks basil but maybe I expressed myself poorly. I myself get confused about wanting to be exclusive BEFORE knowing if there is sexual compatibility.

 

Problem is in the US people do multidate which makes the whole "trying" before really knowing if you want someone for exclusivity a little risky. Both emotionally and physically (STDs).

 

The cases where it's going so well that exclusivity isn't an issue are the only ones worth pursuing.

 

That said it should never be hard to bring up exclusivity: if you want exclusivity and he doesn't....then you end it due to incompatibility. If a guy scares off because you mention being exclusive, then he's not into you enough to warrant staying around anyway.

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2much4 yes it's an American thing. I never experienced this while living in other countries either. The problem is usually people are not sure if somoene is just multidating -- or actually having sex with several people -- hence the need to talk as here it's assumed you ARE at least multidating until there's some talk. But then, how do I know myself if I want to be exclusive if I haven't had sex? That's my main question.

 

chillii you "can't believe" because as far as I can remember, you don't live in the US. It is indeed an American thing because of the multidating culture. I also never had this kind of convo in other countries.

 

So for both of you - here it's not assumed people date one at a time, at all.

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littleblackheart

In theory (I don't date, never mind multidate!) I would have the exclusivity talk first, then cut the relationship short if things don't go according to plan - exclusivity doesn't mean anything other than focusing on one person only. The relationship can break down for any other number of reasons.

 

I'd still prefer to not take any risk and only be intimate with one potential partner at a time.

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Funny I had the world delusional in my original post but edited it out. Because I agree it's an illusion to talk about being exclusive when deep down if the sex is lousy or there's no sexual chemistry, both would want to leave the next day anyway. So I agree with you and that's the premise of my OP.

 

I guess it could be an agreement for a period of time (a few weeks maybe?) where you talk about recent tests and decide together that you won't have multiple sexual partners in that period and try to see if there's sexual compatibility or so?

 

I ask as I see a ton of women here who had sex and then the man becomes distant etc. Maybe discussing things before sex works better in the US? At least it's more respectful and there's an implicit temporary agreement? Usually they find out if they don't talk that the man is multidating... and probably multi-sexing (lol) and that's a little disgusting to find out when you're sleeping with someone as a woman.

 

So I don't know anymore what's the best way. I agree with your last paragraph... that's how I used to do it... but in the US it doesn't usually work smoothly like that. Specially cause men get dettached after sex and women usually get more emotionally involved. Hope I am making sense as I just took a sleeping pill :D

 

Needing to agree to exclusivity first is a little self-deluding. Sure, things may be going along well at that point, and you may want the assurance of exclusivity before having sex. The problem is that even if you both agree, and then have sex, you can still break up - especially if you're not sexually compatible for some reason. Exclusivity may mean something to some who agree to it in order for there to be sex with you, but there is no assurance that exclusivity - or the relationship - will last.

 

For me, I'd rather evaluate overall compatibility and whether we have the same relationship goals, and then have sex when it feels right (which, frankly, is usually sooner than later). This seems more natural, more honest, and less coercive.

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Yes that's how I feel too... I do multidate though for emotional self preservation, I feel you have to do it in the US. But if I am to have sex, I'd prefer to stop the multidating and focus on one person - not only because otherwise I might feel bad emotionally, but also STDs-wise.

 

Still if sex is bad I will feel like saying goodbye the next day. Hence I find it all confusing!!!

 

In other places and sometimes in the US, for me things just went smoothly and it as clear people stopped multidating when you had sex. I think things are a little more complicated now as there's tons of multidating.

 

In theory (I don't date, never mind multidate!) I would have the exclusivity talk first, then cut the relationship short if things don't go according to plan - exclusivity doesn't mean anything other than focusing on one person only. The relationship can break down for any other number of reasons.

 

I'd still prefer to not take any risk and only be intimate with one potential partner at a time.

Edited by edgygirl
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... I guess it could be an agreement for a period of time (a few weeks maybe?) where you talk about recent tests and decide together that you won't have multiple sexual partners in that period and try to see if there's sexual compatibility or so?

 

I ask as I see a ton of women here who had sex and then the man becomes distant etc. Maybe discussing things before sex works better in the US? At least it's more respectful and there's an implicit temporary agreement? Usually they find out if they don't talk that the man is multidating... and probably multi-sexing (lol) and that's a little disgusting to find out when you're sleeping with someone as a woman. ...

 

Your idea might work - set a time where you both agree that you won't date anyone else while you determine if a relationship with each other could work, and see if the sex is good between you.

 

You seem to think that it's the man who is multi-dating. Some can, and do, of course, but most don't have that many options, IMO. In my own experience, I found that many of the women I met were multi-dating - and many of those were also "multi-sexing." Women often have more options if they want to multi-date, at least, whether or not they find them appealing, or take advantage of them; they are usually the ones who are pursued and approached, after all.

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Whoa wait minute, exclusivity hasn't much to do with STD's because if he has something to infect you with, chances are he got it from a previous encounter before he met you. It's less likely that he just happened to get it for the first time in the same weeks that he's starting to see you. Sure that can happen but if the guy is in his 40's, either he already has it or he's old enough to know how to not get it. That is, getting tested and using protection.

 

I've never had an excusivity talk, probably never will, and I live in the US. I've only read about it on the internet. I think it's a more recent trend?

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Thanks edgy nah true l don't.

But yeah l see it in forums and god l dunno, it's hard enough finding one real person worth seeing don't get it but anyway.

Good luck .

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Exclusivity and STDs are connected in that you talk about it before you have sex, you talk about whether or not you've been tested for STDs since your last partner, and you agree to not have sex with someone else. (Yes, I know there are caveats to the whole testing thing, but I'm talking about in general.)

 

You can still "date" other people if you agree, just not have sex.

 

Of course that doesn't work if you jump quickly from person to person or are with someone you can't trust to be honest.

 

Sexual exclusivity does NOT equal emotional exclusivity or even commitment.

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Sexual exclusivity does NOT equal emotional exclusivity or even commitment.

 

 

But the idea of emotional exclusivity and commitment is why some panic as soon as exclusivity is mentioned.

 

Exclusivity is all about limiting the spread of STDS, it is not the first step to buying a ring and pledging allegiance for life.

 

It is also about limiting the ick factor. "I am making out, sleeping with you and no-one else"

 

Being exclusive is no big deal and for anyone concerned about their health it is essential.

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pandagirl2018
This is a topic that really confuses me. I know that usually after you have sex with a man, the ship has sailed and it becomes hard to bring up exclusivity if you're a woman (unless in cases where things are going so well that it doesn’t become an issue, those cases are not the point of this thread).

 

On the other hand, I feel funny about having exclusivity talks before having sex, as I’m picky sex-wise and if the sex is not good I am not willing to spend much time teaching anyone in their 40s who’s been around and is still bad at it.

 

So, what’s the right thing to do? Have the exclusivity talk anyway, and then if the sex is bad and not salvageable, you dump them anyway after a few times? Is it really about protecting yourself from STDs after all? Or is it about feeling emotional safety?

 

What’s the verdict on how to go about it?

 

Go with a man you feel completely at ease to talk about things before or after sex.

 

If you're having issues around it, you're with the wrong man anyway.

 

Also, stand in your power! If you want to have sex, have sex. Without expectations of an outcome.

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The only person you can control is you.

 

Regular tests if you have multiple partners and absolutely insisting on condoms.

 

This is basic stuff with regards to your health.

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Change the Q. Instead of talking about exclusivity, commitment & your relationship make it a health Q. Ask about HIV exposure & prior high risk partners. Ask if there are contemporaneous others so you know how careful you have to be.

 

When I would have this conversation -- or even the one about "what are we?" I'd always do it from a disclosure perspective. I was willing to lay my cared on the table 1st. Taking the lead tends to make the other person more relaxed because you are taking the risk 1st & not putting them on the spot.

 

I just wanted you to know that I like you & I am enjoying this. I'
m
not asking for anything but I thought you should know I'
m
not dating anybody else. If you are that is OK for now, but I wanted to know your feelings about all of this.

 

 

On the sex front, before sex again it would be a disclosure thing:

 

Hey before we do this, I wanted to let you know that I have been tested & I'
m
clean. While I'
m
certainly no virgin or shrinking violet, I wanted to let you know that I have never been with anybody who has AIDS or HIV; I have never been with somebody who was a high risk drug user. Can you say the same thing? Have you ever been with a pro? Are you good with condoms?

 

Note I was not asking about #s. Some Qs sparked a dialogue. All the disclosures were about health & safety. My tone is matter of fact. There is eye contact, not sputtering or hammering. Just straight up facts. I can't have sex with somebody who is not mature enough to talk about sex. My straightforward tone & manner work for me. They have startled more then one partner & caused me to rethink some men because they couldn't deal with my approach but that is me being authentic.

 

You need to find your authenticity

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I'd say establish relationship goals first to make sure you are on the same page, then exclusivity talk after sex. If you know that they are looking for an exclusive relationship or open to the possibility, then you at least have some idea what you are getting into emotions wise?

 

I've had TERRIBLE sex in the past with guys who I really hit it off with in other areas. Can't imagine discovering that after agreeing some level of commitment with them.

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I've had TERRIBLE sex in the past with guys who I really hit it off with in other areas. Can't imagine discovering that after agreeing some level of commitment with them.

Exclusivity has nothing to do with commitment.

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Joyce Simmons

Hmm. Is there such a thing as “bad sex?” I think if you want to be exclusive with someone and like that person you can teach a person how to be good at it. I don’t know. How can someone be bad at sex? What if the tables are turned? Do guys test drive the vehicle before making a purchase? I’ve had sex early on before exclusive talk and wonder why the guy ran off and ppl here on LS told me that it’s because “he got want he wanted” and no guy will take me seriously. And they tell women we’re not suppose to bring up being exclusive.

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Just in case the point hasn't been made clear -

 

You can discuss with someone whether or not you've been tested since your last partner, and agree that as long as you are having sex together you will not have sex with others.

 

That exclusivity agreement does not mean you are committing emotionally to one another or saying it's going to be long term.

 

If you then have sex, it's bad and you have no interest in trying to improve it, then you are free to move on - there was no emotional commitment.

 

These are very different types of exclusivity.

Edited by Finding my way
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  • 5 weeks later...
Ruby Slippers

I have sex once it feels right to do so. The time frame has varied depending on a number of factors. Personally, I only have sex with a man once I know I want to really get to know him better.

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If I had to choose, I would have sex first. I don't want to establish exclusivity beforehand -- what if he has a tiny penis? what if you're sexually incompatible? What if you don't enjoy each other's smells?

 

I think all of this needs to be explored before making a serious commitment. It's the same reason I believe people should live together before getting married. You need to explore the entire relationship and all aspects of it before deciding on 'forever'.

 

Otherwise you're making a big decision based on little information.

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So, what’s the right thing to do? Have the exclusivity talk anyway, and then if the sex is bad and not salvageable, you dump them anyway after a few times?

 

 

I don't think there's any "right thing to do", as it depends on the person, but personally this is what I do. If I'm not feeling close enough to them to want to date them exclusively (and vice versa), there's no way in hell I'm feeling close enough to them to want to have sex with them.

 

 

 

All "exclusivity" means is that you won't date other people in the meantime... it's hardly a huge commitment like getting married or living together. If it doesn't work out, no biggie, just go your separate ways.

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