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Did i ruin it or he ghosted me ?


toomanyquestions123

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toomanyquestions123

I know i’m an overthinker and i know that i’m always scared when it comes to dating and relationships. But not sure what happened:

 

The guy that i met on tinder who told me he has social anxiety and anxiety disorders ghosted me, or not ? So for the last month i have been talking with him, went on two dates. The problem was that his anxiety was so clear and he did have some communication problems. He doesnt really pay attention to his phone, but he would call me everyday at 5 when going back from work to hone. Sometimes he forgets to say good morning so he explained to me that he functions differently than other men and that i should initiate conversations anytime i feel it. He assured me that he likes me and wants to work on this. Nevertheless, on Thursday, he called me and asked me if can come to his place to watch DVD, i told him i cant but on Friday night i’m free to do something. He is currently very busy at work since he is closing the year so he said he will get back to me at noon and confirm the date. After we hung up, he texted me and said he missed me and wish i was with him. Anyway, yesterday ( which is Friday), he didnt text the whole day, not even to cancel or confirm the date, i waited till 10:00 pm and i texted him that this can not work out and it was nice meeting him. He read the message and did not reply back.

 

Why i did that? Because what he did was wrong, i dont care how busy at work he is or how much anxiety disorders he has, he doesnt have the right to disappear this way. I’m not giving any excuse to any guy anymore. But im not sure if that was the right thing to do, because i know there was a reason why he didnt talk to me the whole day, im sure he likes me, but i didnt even ask him why he didnt get back to me at noon, did i do the right thing ??

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If a guy likes you no matter how busy he is or what he has got etc, he will always finds time to see you..

 

A message only takes a few seconds,

 

Sounds like he was using his mental health issues as an excuse..

 

My advice is to move on, you did the right thing

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I'm sorry - your expectations of him are unrealistic. When someone tells you that they have all these anxiety issues, them being flaky, on/off and doing unexpected things is par for course. You can't expect him to be 'normal' when he's not.

 

That said, if someone told me upfront that they had anxiety disorders which impacted on their life and dating, I wouldn't date them in the first place.

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I agree with GTR King. It sounds like he might have just wanted to play with your feelings. But he is 100% not ready for a relationship.

 

Also not being able to send 1 message to confirm the date takes very little consideration...if he can't even do that he will just put you through lots of pain where you worry yourself to death. You did the right thing. Find someone that will treat you better.

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Yes, you did the right thing. If he’s this indifferent in the beginning of your courtship, just imagine how he’s going to be in the long run. If someone told me they had all these hang ups, I wouldn’t consider them dating potential. I also have to wonder if his issues are just excuses he uses to lower your expectations of him.

 

Two dates in a month and on the third he’s hoping you’ll head to his house to watch a movie? Kick to the curb.

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toomanyquestions123

Thank you all for ur responses. I know i did the right thing. But this is me not loving myself the most; trying to give him an excuse for why he didnt reach yesterday.

He has social anxiety so he doeent like to go out all the time, him and I are both introverts and we both agreed on how we love to chill at home rather than going out, but yeah third date inviting me to his place is kinda lazy from his side. And i told him to pick a decent place for a third date because im not goinh to his place this fast. He is a maybe a good person but he does have a lot of issues he needs to solve. Just for the record, when he was telling me about his anxiety issues, he told me please not to judge him and that this has never affected his relationships before. ( yeah right ).

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No. You did the wrong thing.

 

First, after 2 days nobody is required to text somebody daily to say good morning. Your expectation is unreasonable & the fact that you are miffed over this tells me you have poor boundaries. The guy gave you an explanation & he calls you at 5 p.m. daily. The idea that you want more is too much. A brand new relationship where you have been on 2 freakin' dates does not result in the same volume of communication as a LTR.

 

Second, you never had a real plan for Friday night. He offered Thursday & you said no but countered with Friday & said he'd get back to you. Yes, you can be miffed that he didn't get back to you but you know 1) he has anxiety; 2). he's very busy at work and 3). he already told you his brain works differently & he doesn't always pay attention to his phone.

 

Instead of controlling your own destiny & reaching out to him to confirm or cancel, you left it to chance. You isolated yourself without Friday night plans & got increasingly annoyed with him for leaving you stranded. Seriously by 4 you should have realized this was a no-go & made other plans. Instead, all emotional you sent him a nasty text at 10 p.m. & in a knee jerk reaction broke things off with him. It's been one day you didn't hear from him & you have been on two dates. This man did not "disappear" on you & you are wrong for characterizing it that way.

 

Since he offered Thursday not Friday, I suspect he didn't want a Friday night date with you. He may have also been disappointed that you weren't ready for the Netflix & chill thing. I do fault him for not being clear about that & you are entitled to be annoyed about his failure to speak up.

 

Until you learn compassion, flexibility, boundaries & responsibility for your own social calendar, this frustrating pattern will repeat. You need to realign your expectations & behaviors.

 

I am not saying he wasn't wrong for not getting back to you as promised. I am saying that oversight should not have been a fatal mistake. A point of discussion -- with you expressing displeasure absolutely -- but you overreacted.

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toomanyquestions123
No. You did the wrong thing.

 

First, after 2 days nobody is required to text somebody daily to say good morning. Your expectation is unreasonable & the fact that you are miffed over this tells me you have poor boundaries. The guy gave you an explanation & he calls you at 5 p.m. daily. The idea that you want more is too much. A brand new relationship where you have been on 2 freakin' dates does not result in the same volume of communication as a LTR.

 

Second, you never had a real plan for Friday night. He offered Thursday & you said no but countered with Friday & said he'd get back to you. Yes, you can be miffed that he didn't get back to you but you know 1) he has anxiety; 2). he's very busy at work and 3). he already told you his brain works differently & he doesn't always pay attention to his phone.

 

Instead of controlling your own destiny & reaching out to him to confirm or cancel, you left it to chance. You isolated yourself without Friday night plans & got increasingly annoyed with him for leaving you stranded. Seriously by 4 you should have realized this was a no-go & made other plans. Instead, all emotional you sent him a nasty text at 10 p.m. & in a knee jerk reaction broke things off with him. It's been one day you didn't hear from him & you have been on two dates. This man did not "disappear" on you & you are wrong for characterizing it that way.

 

Since he offered Thursday not Friday, I suspect he didn't want a Friday night date with you. He may have also been disappointed that you weren't ready for the Netflix & chill thing. I do fault him for not being clear about that & you are entitled to be annoyed about his failure to speak up.

 

Until you learn compassion, flexibility, boundaries & responsibility for your own social calendar, this frustrating pattern will repeat. You need to realign your expectations & behaviors.

 

I am not saying he wasn't wrong for not getting back to you as promised. I am saying that oversight should not have been a fatal mistake. A point of discussion -- with you expressing displeasure absolutely -- but you overreacted.

 

I am not sure I overreacted; Thursday night when he asked me to come to watch a movie, it was kinda late and asked him when to postpone and he told probably tomorrow ( friday night ) but i will get back to u tomorrow at noon. He did not get back to me, which means he ghosted me, which means he is not really interested which means i should not waste my time with him regardless if if he was busy or no; im always busy at work, i would never ghost anyone, it’s rude. Plus he did not reply on my message which was respectful, he should have at least apologized. Maybe i should have asked him if our plans are still on this night, but i just dont want to give excuses to anyone anymore. I dont know...

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Truth is, the guy was "a nightmare" and the Thursday/Friday night thing was just the last straw.

 

What do you mean by nightmare ?

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mortensorchid

Just forget him. A man who is interested in you no matter what his anxiety issues are or are not will make the time for you. He's not making time for you so move on.

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What do you mean by nightmare ?

He wasn't quite "normal" was he?

Dating is hard enough without adding all sorts of "issues" into the mix.

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He wasn't quite "normal" was he?

Dating is hard enough without adding all sorts of "issues" into the mix.

 

100% i totally agree with that !

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d0nnivain is absolutely right. She gave me similar advice the other day which I followed and it worked wonders. Guys who are not BSs will not run if you show boundaries. Something is bothering you? Send a text or call and express yourself and work things out instead of bottling thing up and holding grudges up to the point of sending a dramatic breakup message that deep down you didn't even really want to send.

 

I've changed my rule of never initiating contact in early stages. She's right, we are the ones who have to take responsibility for our social calendar when dealing with people who are less than perfect at confirmation of dates. Also, lower your expectations a bit in early stages (the "he should have" statements). Expectations kill relationships that could have worked otherwise.

 

No. You did the wrong thing.

 

Instead of controlling your own destiny & reaching out to him to confirm or cancel, you left it to chance. You isolated yourself without Friday night plans & got increasingly annoyed with him for leaving you stranded. Seriously by 4 you should have realized this was a no-go & made other plans. Instead, all emotional you sent him a nasty text at 10 p.m. & in a knee jerk reaction broke things off with him. It's been one day you didn't hear from him & you have been on two dates. This man did not "disappear" on you & you are wrong for characterizing it that way.

 

Until you learn compassion, flexibility, boundaries & responsibility for your own social calendar, this frustrating pattern will repeat. You need to realign your expectations & behaviors.

 

I am not saying he wasn't wrong for not getting back to you as promised. I am saying that oversight should not have been a fatal mistake. A point of discussion -- with you expressing displeasure absolutely -- but you overreacted.

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I hope not all women think like this.

 

My 20s yo nephew has quite severe anxiety issues yet he's the most adorable young man I ever known. He's smart as heck, empathetic, sweet, witty, and one of my fave people in the world. I think any woman would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend. No one is perfect ya know?

 

He wasn't quite "normal" was he?

Dating is hard enough without adding all sorts of "issues" into the mix.

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toomanyquestions123
d0nnivain is absolutely right. She gave me similar advice the other day which I followed and it worked wonders. Guys who are not BSs will not run if you show boundaries. Something is bothering you? Send a text or call and express yourself and work things out instead of bottling thing up and holding grudges up to the point of sending a dramatic breakup message that deep down you didn't even really want to send.

 

I've changed my rule of never initiating contact in early stages. She's right, we are the ones who have to take responsibility for our social calendar when dealing with people who are less than perfect at confirmation of dates. Also, lower your expectations a bit in early stages (the "he should have" statements). Expectations kill relationships that could have worked otherwise.

 

I do realize that i my “break up” message made no sense and i overreacted, but i did not want someone to play with my feelings.

Nevertheless, i texted him this: Hey there, i hope you re not mad at my message from last night, if u want, i wanna talk about it because i dont want to leave any Resentment. He answered: no resentments, i respect what yoy had to say. And then i told him: I am not sure if I overreacted or no, but you didnt get back to me concerning yesterday, and i was not sure why...

He answerer that he stayed late at work and when he wanted to text me he read my message that bothered him, he told me i overreacted and thats it. I told him i respect that he doesnt want to talk me again and i may have overreacted but ibwas expecting to confirm our plans. He didnt reply back... so thats it for me.

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I hope not all women think like this.

 

My 20s yo nephew has quite severe anxiety issues yet he's the most adorable young man I ever known. He's smart as heck, empathetic, sweet, witty, and one of my fave people in the world. I think any woman would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend. No one is perfect ya know?

 

I do understand that but probably he did not talk to me yesterday because of his anxiety, maybe he was stressed out at work until his anxiety took over. Im sure your nephew is a sweet person, but im not sure this one is worth the journey.

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I'm sorry to hear, toomanyquestions. About 2 weeks ago I went through the same exact thing. I also sent a crazy breakup message to the guy I went on a few dates with when I didn't hear from him for a day and it got me extremely anxious and overthinking. Then I woke up feeling like a crazy person. I also sent a message saying I'm sorry and that if he wanted to talk he could call me as texting sometimes leads to confusion. As your guy, he told me he was interested in me and didn't get where the confusion came from. I told him I'd explain next time we meet. I was able to save it in this case, but only because he was open to. Hence d0nnivain advice of reaching out when you're feeling distressed/confused/assuming things is the best one I've seen here.

 

Give him a few days for space, and then maybe tell him you're sorry, that you did overreact as you got anxious about the situation and that you'd like to try again if he's open to it - if that's what you want. Even if it doesn't work, take this as a lesson that it's better to ask than assume things.

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If you think this one is not worth it, you've got your answer.

 

But do you think it's really worth it to breakup with someone over one bad action? I understand you're disappointed and disrespected, but sometimes we have to let go of a couple of screw-ups and pick our fights.

 

I do understand that but probably he did not talk to me yesterday because of his anxiety, maybe he was stressed out at work until his anxiety took over. Im sure your nephew is a sweet person, but im not sure this one is worth the journey.
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I'm sorry to hear, toomanyquestions. About 2 weeks ago I went through the same exact thing. I also sent a crazy breakup message to the guy I went on a few dates with when I didn't hear from him for a day and it got me extremely anxious and overthinking. Then I woke up feeling like a crazy person. I also sent a message saying I'm sorry and that if he wanted to talk he could call me as texting sometimes leads to confusion. As your guy, he told me he was interested in me and didn't get where the confusion came from. I told him I'd explain next time we meet. I was able to save it in this case, but only because he was open to. Hence d0nnivain advice of reaching out when you're feeling distressed/confused/assuming things is the best one I've seen here.

 

Give him a few days for space, and then maybe tell him you're sorry, that you did overreact as you got anxious about the situation and that you'd like to try again if he's open to it - if that's what you want. Even if it doesn't work, take this as a lesson that it's better to ask than assume things.

 

I will read your thread since our situations are very similar. I will give us both some space to see if i want to reach out or no. For now, i will let it go. I didnt want it to end but i dont want to hurt myself again.

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I understand. Yes our situations were similar, and by using clear communication advice given here I was able to save it, went on a great date yesterday and have another two planned. Not flaunting it, but I am really shocked by the power of clear communication instead of being passive and playing non chalant and I hope you use that power in the future as well. Hugs and be well!

 

I will read your thread since our situations are very similar. I will give us both some space to see if i want to reach out or no. For now, i will let it go. I didnt want it to end but i dont want to hurt myself again.
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I understand. Yes our situations were similar, and by using clear communication advice given here I was able to save it, went on a great date yesterday and have another two planned. Not flaunting it, but I am really shocked by the power of clear communication instead of being passive and playing non chalant and I hope you use that power in the future as well. Hugs and be well!

 

I tried to communicate with him by reaching out and admitting that I overreacted. If he is interested, wouldnt he let it go ?

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I am not sure I overreacted; Thursday night when he asked me to come to watch a movie, it was kinda late and asked him when to postpone and he told probably tomorrow ( friday night ) but i will get back to u tomorrow at noon. He did not get back to me, which means he ghosted me, which means he is not really interested which means i should not waste my time with him regardless if if he was busy or no; im always busy at work, i would never ghost anyone, it’s rude. Plus he did not reply on my message which was respectful, he should have at least apologized. Maybe i should have asked him if our plans are still on this night, but i just dont want to give excuses to anyone anymore. I dont know...

 

If you are at peace with your decision what I think is irrelevant. You have to do what is right for you.

 

I continue to think you over reacted. One missed "check in" / response merits a conversation. It's not a reason to completely throw in the towel, which is what you did. You classified this as an unforgivable sin & then you completely ended things. While that is your choice, it seems extreme to me. I give people a 2nd chance on most things, just not the big ones like lying, infidelity or violence but this I would have heard him out. Granted he would have gotten a icy reception from me but I would not have completely given up. Somebody blows the 2nd chance that is a different story & is some evidence of a pattern.

 

Reaching out was equally the wrong move. Now he just thinks you are overly emotional, irrational & someone who doesn't know her own mind/ equivocates.

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You told him to call and confirm the date on Friday. He said he was busy and would confirm it. He didn't say he'd contact you if he couldn't make it. I wouldn't choose this hill to die on.

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I agree that it was an overreaction to assume the worst from no contact that day. I might have had the same reaction and it certainly would have driven me crazy and pissed me off. Where it went really sideways was breaking it off that way by text, without having any idea what was going on with him or why. He could have been in a car accident for all you know.

 

Not saying anything keeps your options open, keeps you from embarrassing yourself, and keeps you from treating someone bad unfairly. It doesn’t make you look week or like a pushover. Probably the opposite, if anything aloof or unaffected. Sometimes I feel like calling someone out is going to be taking back the power and show that I’m not taking ****, but I think it just makes one feel and appear to be powerless and too easily undermined.

 

I have found that the situations that really get under my skin or freak me out like this did you are usually ones where I have no idea what happened or why it happened andI feel pretty foolish when I find out what it was. If I can keep my mouth shut, at least the target person doesn’t know how foolish I’ve been.

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