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Did i ruin it or he ghosted me ?


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Old 12th January 2019, 1:42 PM   #16
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d0nnivain is absolutely right. She gave me similar advice the other day which I followed and it worked wonders. Guys who are not BSs will not run if you show boundaries. Something is bothering you? Send a text or call and express yourself and work things out instead of bottling thing up and holding grudges up to the point of sending a dramatic breakup message that deep down you didn't even really want to send.

I've changed my rule of never initiating contact in early stages. She's right, we are the ones who have to take responsibility for our social calendar when dealing with people who are less than perfect at confirmation of dates. Also, lower your expectations a bit in early stages (the "he should have" statements). Expectations kill relationships that could have worked otherwise.
I do realize that i my ďbreak upĒ message made no sense and i overreacted, but i did not want someone to play with my feelings.
Nevertheless, i texted him this: Hey there, i hope you re not mad at my message from last night, if u want, i wanna talk about it because i dont want to leave any Resentment. He answered: no resentments, i respect what yoy had to say. And then i told him: I am not sure if I overreacted or no, but you didnt get back to me concerning yesterday, and i was not sure why...
He answerer that he stayed late at work and when he wanted to text me he read my message that bothered him, he told me i overreacted and thats it. I told him i respect that he doesnt want to talk me again and i may have overreacted but ibwas expecting to confirm our plans. He didnt reply back... so thats it for me.
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Old 12th January 2019, 1:47 PM   #17
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I hope not all women think like this.

My 20s yo nephew has quite severe anxiety issues yet he's the most adorable young man I ever known. He's smart as heck, empathetic, sweet, witty, and one of my fave people in the world. I think any woman would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend. No one is perfect ya know?
I do understand that but probably he did not talk to me yesterday because of his anxiety, maybe he was stressed out at work until his anxiety took over. Im sure your nephew is a sweet person, but im not sure this one is worth the journey.
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Old 12th January 2019, 1:52 PM   #18
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I'm sorry to hear, toomanyquestions. About 2 weeks ago I went through the same exact thing. I also sent a crazy breakup message to the guy I went on a few dates with when I didn't hear from him for a day and it got me extremely anxious and overthinking. Then I woke up feeling like a crazy person. I also sent a message saying I'm sorry and that if he wanted to talk he could call me as texting sometimes leads to confusion. As your guy, he told me he was interested in me and didn't get where the confusion came from. I told him I'd explain next time we meet. I was able to save it in this case, but only because he was open to. Hence d0nnivain advice of reaching out when you're feeling distressed/confused/assuming things is the best one I've seen here.

Give him a few days for space, and then maybe tell him you're sorry, that you did overreact as you got anxious about the situation and that you'd like to try again if he's open to it - if that's what you want. Even if it doesn't work, take this as a lesson that it's better to ask than assume things.
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Old 12th January 2019, 1:55 PM   #19
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Exclamation

If you think this one is not worth it, you've got your answer.

But do you think it's really worth it to breakup with someone over one bad action? I understand you're disappointed and disrespected, but sometimes we have to let go of a couple of screw-ups and pick our fights.

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I do understand that but probably he did not talk to me yesterday because of his anxiety, maybe he was stressed out at work until his anxiety took over. Im sure your nephew is a sweet person, but im not sure this one is worth the journey.
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Old 12th January 2019, 2:12 PM   #20
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I'm sorry to hear, toomanyquestions. About 2 weeks ago I went through the same exact thing. I also sent a crazy breakup message to the guy I went on a few dates with when I didn't hear from him for a day and it got me extremely anxious and overthinking. Then I woke up feeling like a crazy person. I also sent a message saying I'm sorry and that if he wanted to talk he could call me as texting sometimes leads to confusion. As your guy, he told me he was interested in me and didn't get where the confusion came from. I told him I'd explain next time we meet. I was able to save it in this case, but only because he was open to. Hence d0nnivain advice of reaching out when you're feeling distressed/confused/assuming things is the best one I've seen here.

Give him a few days for space, and then maybe tell him you're sorry, that you did overreact as you got anxious about the situation and that you'd like to try again if he's open to it - if that's what you want. Even if it doesn't work, take this as a lesson that it's better to ask than assume things.
I will read your thread since our situations are very similar. I will give us both some space to see if i want to reach out or no. For now, i will let it go. I didnt want it to end but i dont want to hurt myself again.
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Old 12th January 2019, 2:31 PM   #21
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I understand. Yes our situations were similar, and by using clear communication advice given here I was able to save it, went on a great date yesterday and have another two planned. Not flaunting it, but I am really shocked by the power of clear communication instead of being passive and playing non chalant and I hope you use that power in the future as well. Hugs and be well!

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I will read your thread since our situations are very similar. I will give us both some space to see if i want to reach out or no. For now, i will let it go. I didnt want it to end but i dont want to hurt myself again.
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Old 12th January 2019, 3:35 PM   #22
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I understand. Yes our situations were similar, and by using clear communication advice given here I was able to save it, went on a great date yesterday and have another two planned. Not flaunting it, but I am really shocked by the power of clear communication instead of being passive and playing non chalant and I hope you use that power in the future as well. Hugs and be well!
I tried to communicate with him by reaching out and admitting that I overreacted. If he is interested, wouldnt he let it go ?
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Old 12th January 2019, 5:46 PM   #23
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I am not sure I overreacted; Thursday night when he asked me to come to watch a movie, it was kinda late and asked him when to postpone and he told probably tomorrow ( friday night ) but i will get back to u tomorrow at noon. He did not get back to me, which means he ghosted me, which means he is not really interested which means i should not waste my time with him regardless if if he was busy or no; im always busy at work, i would never ghost anyone, it’s rude. Plus he did not reply on my message which was respectful, he should have at least apologized. Maybe i should have asked him if our plans are still on this night, but i just dont want to give excuses to anyone anymore. I dont know...
If you are at peace with your decision what I think is irrelevant. You have to do what is right for you.

I continue to think you over reacted. One missed "check in" / response merits a conversation. It's not a reason to completely throw in the towel, which is what you did. You classified this as an unforgivable sin & then you completely ended things. While that is your choice, it seems extreme to me. I give people a 2nd chance on most things, just not the big ones like lying, infidelity or violence but this I would have heard him out. Granted he would have gotten a icy reception from me but I would not have completely given up. Somebody blows the 2nd chance that is a different story & is some evidence of a pattern.

Reaching out was equally the wrong move. Now he just thinks you are overly emotional, irrational & someone who doesn't know her own mind/ equivocates.
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Old 12th January 2019, 5:59 PM   #24
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You told him to call and confirm the date on Friday. He said he was busy and would confirm it. He didn't say he'd contact you if he couldn't make it. I wouldn't choose this hill to die on.
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Old 12th January 2019, 6:18 PM   #25
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I agree that it was an overreaction to assume the worst from no contact that day. I might have had the same reaction and it certainly would have driven me crazy and pissed me off. Where it went really sideways was breaking it off that way by text, without having any idea what was going on with him or why. He could have been in a car accident for all you know.

Not saying anything keeps your options open, keeps you from embarrassing yourself, and keeps you from treating someone bad unfairly. It doesnít make you look week or like a pushover. Probably the opposite, if anything aloof or unaffected. Sometimes I feel like calling someone out is going to be taking back the power and show that Iím not taking ****, but I think it just makes one feel and appear to be powerless and too easily undermined.

I have found that the situations that really get under my skin or freak me out like this did you are usually ones where I have no idea what happened or why it happened andI feel pretty foolish when I find out what it was. If I can keep my mouth shut, at least the target person doesnít know how foolish Iíve been.
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Old 14th January 2019, 3:26 AM   #26
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He texted me yesterday night out of nowhere, i thought he didn't want anything related to me anymore. He asked about how my weekend was and told me that he spent his weekend at work and he is super tired and then sent me a couple of random pictures. Not sure what to do at this point, should i give it a chance or friendzone him at this point ?
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Old 14th January 2019, 3:32 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by edgygirl View Post
I understand. Yes our situations were similar, and by using clear communication advice given here I was able to save it, went on a great date yesterday and have another two planned. Not flaunting it, but I am really shocked by the power of clear communication instead of being passive and playing non chalant and I hope you use that power in the future as well. Hugs and be well!
Hope it will work well with you ! HUGS BACK
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Old 14th January 2019, 8:15 AM   #28
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Stop abusing the ghost-terminology. He didnít ghost you. Ghosting is when someone stops responding - you never contacted him - so he didnít ghost. On the contrary when you texted him, he responded. You dumped him and then expects him to apologise to you? Do you realise how ridiculous/princes-drama-queen that sounds?

If you donít want to date him. Donít. But stop justifying your decisions based on a secret ďdating rule bookĒ. No man will never know your arbitrary rules about texting frequency and so forth. After two dates he doesnít own you anything.
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Old 14th January 2019, 8:24 AM   #29
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If a guy likes you no matter how busy he is or what he has got etc, he will always finds time to see you..

A message only takes a few seconds,

Sounds like he was using his mental health issues as an excuse..

My advice is to move on, you did the right thing

I agree with this. I went through a bad break up in Dec 2005 and ended up off work for months due to stress and anxiety. I was getting panic attacks for while but I'm better now. That was over a decade ago and I believe he`s using his mental issues for a reason to not contact you this shouldn't be the case. It only takes a second or two to fire off a text. He`s maybe just not that into you.
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Old 14th January 2019, 8:39 AM   #30
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Stop abusing the ghost-terminology. He didnít ghost you. Ghosting is when someone stops responding - you never contacted him - so he didnít ghost. On the contrary when you texted him, he responded. You dumped him and then expects him to apologise to you? Do you realise how ridiculous/princes-drama-queen that sounds?

If you donít want to date him. Donít. But stop justifying your decisions based on a secret ďdating rule bookĒ. No man will never know your arbitrary rules about texting frequency and so forth. After two dates he doesnít own you anything.
I have some insecurities due to my past break-ups and would overthink if someone doesn't text me for a whole day. He did not ghost me so it's either one of those scenarios:

1. He has anxiety disorders and since he is busy and overloaded at work, he is not really thinking about me right now.
2. He is not that into me.
3. He doesn't think he has to text me all the time, everyday ( although he did since we matched on tinder ).
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