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Did i ruin it or he ghosted me ?


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Old 12th January 2019, 3:32 AM   #1
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Did i ruin it or he ghosted me ?

I know i’m an overthinker and i know that i’m always scared when it comes to dating and relationships. But not sure what happened:

The guy that i met on tinder who told me he has social anxiety and anxiety disorders ghosted me, or not ? So for the last month i have been talking with him, went on two dates. The problem was that his anxiety was so clear and he did have some communication problems. He doesnt really pay attention to his phone, but he would call me everyday at 5 when going back from work to hone. Sometimes he forgets to say good morning so he explained to me that he functions differently than other men and that i should initiate conversations anytime i feel it. He assured me that he likes me and wants to work on this. Nevertheless, on Thursday, he called me and asked me if can come to his place to watch DVD, i told him i cant but on Friday night i’m free to do something. He is currently very busy at work since he is closing the year so he said he will get back to me at noon and confirm the date. After we hung up, he texted me and said he missed me and wish i was with him. Anyway, yesterday ( which is Friday), he didnt text the whole day, not even to cancel or confirm the date, i waited till 10:00 pm and i texted him that this can not work out and it was nice meeting him. He read the message and did not reply back.

Why i did that? Because what he did was wrong, i dont care how busy at work he is or how much anxiety disorders he has, he doesnt have the right to disappear this way. I’m not giving any excuse to any guy anymore. But im not sure if that was the right thing to do, because i know there was a reason why he didnt talk to me the whole day, im sure he likes me, but i didnt even ask him why he didnt get back to me at noon, did i do the right thing ??

Last edited by toomanyquestions123; 12th January 2019 at 3:35 AM..
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Old 12th January 2019, 4:39 AM   #2
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If a guy likes you no matter how busy he is or what he has got etc, he will always finds time to see you..

A message only takes a few seconds,

Sounds like he was using his mental health issues as an excuse..

My advice is to move on, you did the right thing
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Old 12th January 2019, 5:06 AM   #3
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I'm sorry - your expectations of him are unrealistic. When someone tells you that they have all these anxiety issues, them being flaky, on/off and doing unexpected things is par for course. You can't expect him to be 'normal' when he's not.

That said, if someone told me upfront that they had anxiety disorders which impacted on their life and dating, I wouldn't date them in the first place.
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Old 12th January 2019, 5:10 AM   #4
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I agree with GTR King. It sounds like he might have just wanted to play with your feelings. But he is 100% not ready for a relationship.

Also not being able to send 1 message to confirm the date takes very little consideration...if he can't even do that he will just put you through lots of pain where you worry yourself to death. You did the right thing. Find someone that will treat you better.
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Old 12th January 2019, 5:49 AM   #5
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Yes, you did the right thing. If he’s this indifferent in the beginning of your courtship, just imagine how he’s going to be in the long run. If someone told me they had all these hang ups, I wouldn’t consider them dating potential. I also have to wonder if his issues are just excuses he uses to lower your expectations of him.

Two dates in a month and on the third he’s hoping you’ll head to his house to watch a movie? Kick to the curb.
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Old 12th January 2019, 6:36 AM   #6
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Thank you all for ur responses. I know i did the right thing. But this is me not loving myself the most; trying to give him an excuse for why he didnt reach yesterday.
He has social anxiety so he doeent like to go out all the time, him and I are both introverts and we both agreed on how we love to chill at home rather than going out, but yeah third date inviting me to his place is kinda lazy from his side. And i told him to pick a decent place for a third date because im not goinh to his place this fast. He is a maybe a good person but he does have a lot of issues he needs to solve. Just for the record, when he was telling me about his anxiety issues, he told me please not to judge him and that this has never affected his relationships before. ( yeah right ).
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Old 12th January 2019, 9:04 AM   #7
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No. You did the wrong thing.

First, after 2 days nobody is required to text somebody daily to say good morning. Your expectation is unreasonable & the fact that you are miffed over this tells me you have poor boundaries. The guy gave you an explanation & he calls you at 5 p.m. daily. The idea that you want more is too much. A brand new relationship where you have been on 2 freakin' dates does not result in the same volume of communication as a LTR.

Second, you never had a real plan for Friday night. He offered Thursday & you said no but countered with Friday & said he'd get back to you. Yes, you can be miffed that he didn't get back to you but you know 1) he has anxiety; 2). he's very busy at work and 3). he already told you his brain works differently & he doesn't always pay attention to his phone.

Instead of controlling your own destiny & reaching out to him to confirm or cancel, you left it to chance. You isolated yourself without Friday night plans & got increasingly annoyed with him for leaving you stranded. Seriously by 4 you should have realized this was a no-go & made other plans. Instead, all emotional you sent him a nasty text at 10 p.m. & in a knee jerk reaction broke things off with him. It's been one day you didn't hear from him & you have been on two dates. This man did not "disappear" on you & you are wrong for characterizing it that way.

Since he offered Thursday not Friday, I suspect he didn't want a Friday night date with you. He may have also been disappointed that you weren't ready for the Netflix & chill thing. I do fault him for not being clear about that & you are entitled to be annoyed about his failure to speak up.

Until you learn compassion, flexibility, boundaries & responsibility for your own social calendar, this frustrating pattern will repeat. You need to realign your expectations & behaviors.

I am not saying he wasn't wrong for not getting back to you as promised. I am saying that oversight should not have been a fatal mistake. A point of discussion -- with you expressing displeasure absolutely -- but you overreacted.
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Old 12th January 2019, 9:36 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
No. You did the wrong thing.

First, after 2 days nobody is required to text somebody daily to say good morning. Your expectation is unreasonable & the fact that you are miffed over this tells me you have poor boundaries. The guy gave you an explanation & he calls you at 5 p.m. daily. The idea that you want more is too much. A brand new relationship where you have been on 2 freakin' dates does not result in the same volume of communication as a LTR.

Second, you never had a real plan for Friday night. He offered Thursday & you said no but countered with Friday & said he'd get back to you. Yes, you can be miffed that he didn't get back to you but you know 1) he has anxiety; 2). he's very busy at work and 3). he already told you his brain works differently & he doesn't always pay attention to his phone.

Instead of controlling your own destiny & reaching out to him to confirm or cancel, you left it to chance. You isolated yourself without Friday night plans & got increasingly annoyed with him for leaving you stranded. Seriously by 4 you should have realized this was a no-go & made other plans. Instead, all emotional you sent him a nasty text at 10 p.m. & in a knee jerk reaction broke things off with him. It's been one day you didn't hear from him & you have been on two dates. This man did not "disappear" on you & you are wrong for characterizing it that way.

Since he offered Thursday not Friday, I suspect he didn't want a Friday night date with you. He may have also been disappointed that you weren't ready for the Netflix & chill thing. I do fault him for not being clear about that & you are entitled to be annoyed about his failure to speak up.

Until you learn compassion, flexibility, boundaries & responsibility for your own social calendar, this frustrating pattern will repeat. You need to realign your expectations & behaviors.

I am not saying he wasn't wrong for not getting back to you as promised. I am saying that oversight should not have been a fatal mistake. A point of discussion -- with you expressing displeasure absolutely -- but you overreacted.
I am not sure I overreacted; Thursday night when he asked me to come to watch a movie, it was kinda late and asked him when to postpone and he told probably tomorrow ( friday night ) but i will get back to u tomorrow at noon. He did not get back to me, which means he ghosted me, which means he is not really interested which means i should not waste my time with him regardless if if he was busy or no; im always busy at work, i would never ghost anyone, itís rude. Plus he did not reply on my message which was respectful, he should have at least apologized. Maybe i should have asked him if our plans are still on this night, but i just dont want to give excuses to anyone anymore. I dont know...
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Old 12th January 2019, 9:49 AM   #9
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Truth is, the guy was "a nightmare" and the Thursday/Friday night thing was just the last straw.
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Old 12th January 2019, 9:52 AM   #10
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Truth is, the guy was "a nightmare" and the Thursday/Friday night thing was just the last straw.
What do you mean by nightmare ?
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Old 12th January 2019, 10:07 AM   #11
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Just forget him. A man who is interested in you no matter what his anxiety issues are or are not will make the time for you. He's not making time for you so move on.
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Old 12th January 2019, 10:08 AM   #12
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What do you mean by nightmare ?
He wasn't quite "normal" was he?
Dating is hard enough without adding all sorts of "issues" into the mix.
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Old 12th January 2019, 11:12 AM   #13
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He wasn't quite "normal" was he?
Dating is hard enough without adding all sorts of "issues" into the mix.
100% i totally agree with that !
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Old 12th January 2019, 12:24 PM   #14
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d0nnivain is absolutely right. She gave me similar advice the other day which I followed and it worked wonders. Guys who are not BSs will not run if you show boundaries. Something is bothering you? Send a text or call and express yourself and work things out instead of bottling thing up and holding grudges up to the point of sending a dramatic breakup message that deep down you didn't even really want to send.

I've changed my rule of never initiating contact in early stages. She's right, we are the ones who have to take responsibility for our social calendar when dealing with people who are less than perfect at confirmation of dates. Also, lower your expectations a bit in early stages (the "he should have" statements). Expectations kill relationships that could have worked otherwise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
No. You did the wrong thing.

Instead of controlling your own destiny & reaching out to him to confirm or cancel, you left it to chance. You isolated yourself without Friday night plans & got increasingly annoyed with him for leaving you stranded. Seriously by 4 you should have realized this was a no-go & made other plans. Instead, all emotional you sent him a nasty text at 10 p.m. & in a knee jerk reaction broke things off with him. It's been one day you didn't hear from him & you have been on two dates. This man did not "disappear" on you & you are wrong for characterizing it that way.

Until you learn compassion, flexibility, boundaries & responsibility for your own social calendar, this frustrating pattern will repeat. You need to realign your expectations & behaviors.

I am not saying he wasn't wrong for not getting back to you as promised. I am saying that oversight should not have been a fatal mistake. A point of discussion -- with you expressing displeasure absolutely -- but you overreacted.
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Old 12th January 2019, 12:29 PM   #15
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I hope not all women think like this.

My 20s yo nephew has quite severe anxiety issues yet he's the most adorable young man I ever known. He's smart as heck, empathetic, sweet, witty, and one of my fave people in the world. I think any woman would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend. No one is perfect ya know?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
He wasn't quite "normal" was he?
Dating is hard enough without adding all sorts of "issues" into the mix.
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