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Did I scare her off with being clingy or she just not into me?


matty145

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So I met this girl at a bar and we really hit it off, danced, drank together started making out and then went back to her place and got it on. The next days after that we hung out on different study dates, went to the bar together and just hung out at her place a lot, having sex multiple times. Seemed she was really into me, she would initiate a lot of the meetings and would want to know a lot about me. Until one night when I got really drunk, this was maybe 5 days after knowing her I asked her in bed one night if she wanted to be exclusive and she basically said no. Said she was damaged in the past and that she wanted to get to know me more and didnt want to be tied down, so I kind of just shrugged that off and went to sleep. Then we both left for winter break and kept in contact, she would Snapchat me every now and then, send me funny texts and what not but the flame seemed like it was dying out, her texts got shorter. Then the day before we return from break I asked if she’d want to hangout again and she said she thinks I’m a really cool guy but she just wants to be friends. Did I come off too clingy or do you think she just isn’t that interested in me? And is this fixable? Thanks.

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She is just not interested in being in a relationship with you.

Over the winter break, she grew distant from you and decided you were not the guy she wanted.

It happens.

You don't sound clingy.

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It's fixable to the extent you want NSA / FWB to continue. Like a few things on her social media. Next time you see her in the bar, dance with her. See where that goes but stop talking to her in the sense that you can't ask about relationships / exclusivity etc. She is all about being fancy free & bedding multiple men. If you are OK with that you can get back in her rotation but you can't push for a relationship. If you want an exclusive commitment, no things can't be fixed because she doesn't want that.

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She is just not interested in being in a relationship with you.

Over the winter break, she grew distant from you and decided you were not the guy she wanted.

It happens.

You don't sound clingy.

 

Ouch, ok. How can I get over her? It’s sucks.

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It's fixable to the extent you want NSA / FWB to continue. Like a few things on her social media. Next time you see her in the bar, dance with her. See where that goes but stop talking to her in the sense that you can't ask about relationships / exclusivity etc. She is all about being fancy free & bedding multiple men. If you are OK with that you can get back in her rotation but you can't push for a relationship. If you want an exclusive commitment, no things can't be fixed because she doesn't want that.

 

Would this be an appropriate situation to ask her to be FWB? We have mutual friends so I don’t want to make things super weird, that being said if this is a good chance of being FWBs then I’d like to do that.

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No. You never ask about stuff like that. Asking is tawdry & is you basically calling her promiscuous.

 

Next time you see her in the bar, dance with her. Do not talk to her about anything deep or serious especially related to relationship. Just dance with her. Stop trying to label & define things. Assume that because you never mutually promised to be exclusive that you are not exclusive & you are FWB but for Pete's sake do NOT say that out loud unless you want to insult the woman.

 

Meanwhile date other people.

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Would this be an appropriate situation to ask her to be FWB? We have mutual friends so I don’t want to canker things super weird, that being said if this is a good chance of being FWBs then I’d like to do that.

 

 

But that is what could easily have happened when she came off the winter break, you hang out you have sex as fwbs...

 

but she said she doesn't want to hang out with you and has put you basically into some sort of friend zone where she doesn't want to see you at least not one on one anyway.

I guess she has someone else in mind or in reality.

Let it go.

You are probably too invested to just be a fwb anyway.

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No. You never ask about stuff like that. Asking is tawdry & is you basically calling her promiscuous.

 

Next time you see her in the bar, dance with her. Do not talk to her about anything deep or serious especially related to relationship. Just dance with her. Stop trying to label & define things. Assume that because you never mutually promised to be exclusive that you are not exclusive & you are FWB but for Pete's sake do NOT say that out loud unless you want to insult the woman.

 

Meanwhile date other people.

 

Ok but she said she wanted to just be friends, so wouldn’t asking her to dance just be weird? I feel like that’s just asking to get rejected.

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You are asking her to dance, not get married. If she says no, she says no. It's not an indictment of your whole life.

 

She doesn't want to be your friend Matty145. She just wants you to shut up about being BF/GF. If you stop acting like this is life & death & just have fun, she's totally open to that.

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You are asking her to dance, not get married. If she says no, she says no. It's not an indictment of your whole life.

 

She doesn't want to be your friend Matty145. She just wants you to shut up about being BF/GF. If you stop acting like this is life & death & just have fun, she's totally open to that.

 

She doesn’t want to be my friend but said she wants to be friends??? How does that make any sense?

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manfrombelow2

The bold part was where you shot yourself my friend. Trying to label the relationship is 100% feminine energy, therefore it's the girl's job, not yours. It's ok if the girl brings up exclusitivity issue, but it kills the vibe if the guy does so. Don't ask me why, ask God instead because that's how the female brain was designed to be.

 

More over, when she initiated contact with you after turning down your desire to be exclusive, what you should have done was assuming she wanted you and took the chance to ask her out and continue the endless cycle of "Hang out, have fun and hook up."

 

Instead you seemingly spent much time chatting back & forth with her, which was another nail onto your coffin.

 

So I met this girl at a bar and we really hit it off, danced, drank together started making out and then went back to her place and got it on. The next days after that we hung out on different study dates, went to the bar together and just hung out at her place a lot, having sex multiple times. Seemed she was really into me, she would initiate a lot of the meetings and would want to know a lot about me. Until one night when I got really drunk, this was maybe 5 days after knowing her I asked her in bed one night if she wanted to be exclusive and she basically said no. Said she was damaged in the past and that she wanted to get to know me more and didnt want to be tied down, so I kind of just shrugged that off and went to sleep. Then we both left for winter break and kept in contact, she would Snapchat me every now and then, send me funny texts and what not but the flame seemed like it was dying out, her texts got shorter. Then the day before we return from break I asked if she’d want to hangout again and she said she thinks I’m a really cool guy but she just wants to be friends. Did I come off too clingy or do you think she just isn’t that interested in me? And is this fixable? Thanks.
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manfrombelow2

Don't take girls' words too literally or seriously.

 

That's just her way of saying "Please stop with the relationship thing, I was having fun with you and I hope we can still having fun until I feel the need to ask to become your girlfriend. In the mean time, please shut up about exclusitivity because it tires and stresses me out. Please act like the man I met in the first dates. Please be more masculine by hanging out, having fun and hooking up with me, the rest will be taken care of by me, not you. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

 

Ok but she said she wanted to just be friends, so wouldn’t asking her to dance just be weird? I feel like that’s just asking to get rejected.
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She doesn’t want to be my friend but said she wants to be friends??? How does that make any sense?

 

It's just a phrase. It was an awkwardly worded attempt to get you to stop talking about relationships.

 

Friends hang out & talk. They plan their lives. They support each other. That is not what this is.

 

She is DTF. Things were fun & light. She enjoyed what was going on. You got all emotional & she bolted. Like many young women she has yet to develop a clear, direct communications style. She doesn't feel comfortable enough in her own sexuality to explain to you that she was perfectly happy to enjoy hedonistic pleasure with you without any of the emotional attachment you are insisting on bringing to this.

 

So if you can stop talking about it & just act, you can get back to regular sex. If you do anything else, she's going to avoid you like the plague. Her statement that she wanted to "be friends" was the oldest white lie in the book. She was softening the blow of kicking you out of her life for the sin of wanting more then she can give.

 

So what do you want, really? If you want a relationship or if you are catching feelings or can't divorce sex from emotion, leave this woman alone. Warming her bed will not warm her heart. If you are truly OK with a nonexclusive sexual relationship where she is also having sex with other men, proceed. Based on how this thread is going I don't think you are hard wired to have NSA sex so I advise that you simply leave her alone.

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So I met this girl at a bar and we really hit it off, danced, drank together started making out and then went back to her place and got it on. The next days after that we hung out on different study dates, went to the bar together and just hung out at her place a lot, having sex multiple times. Seemed she was really into me, she would initiate a lot of the meetings and would want to know a lot about me. Until one night when I got really drunk, this was maybe 5 days after knowing her I asked her in bed one night if she wanted to be exclusive and she basically said no. Said she was damaged in the past and that she wanted to get to know me more and didnt want to be tied down, so I kind of just shrugged that off and went to sleep. Then we both left for winter break and kept in contact, she would Snapchat me every now and then, send me funny texts and what not but the flame seemed like it was dying out, her texts got shorter. Then the day before we return from break I asked if she’d want to hangout again and she said she thinks I’m a really cool guy but she just wants to be friends. Did I come off too clingy or do you think she just isn’t that interested in me? And is this fixable? Thanks.

 

You were a drinking buddy FWB.

 

not someone she saw as an actual boyfriend.

 

And getting really drunk around people when you are first dating is typically a turnoff.

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It's just a phrase. It was an awkwardly worded attempt to get you to stop talking about relationships.

 

Friends hang out & talk. They plan their lives. They support each other. That is not what this is.

 

She is DTF. Things were fun & light. She enjoyed what was going on. You got all emotional & she bolted. Like many young women she has yet to develop a clear, direct communications style. She doesn't feel comfortable enough in her own sexuality to explain to you that she was perfectly happy to enjoy hedonistic pleasure with you without any of the emotional attachment you are insisting on bringing to this.

 

So if you can stop talking about it & just act, you can get back to regular sex. If you do anything else, she's going to avoid you like the plague. Her statement that she wanted to "be friends" was the oldest white lie in the book. She was softening the blow of kicking you out of her life for the sin of wanting more then she can give.

 

So what do you want, really? If you want a relationship or if you are catching feelings or can't divorce sex from emotion, leave this woman alone. Warming her bed will not warm her heart. If you are truly OK with a nonexclusive sexual relationship where she is also having sex with other men, proceed. Based on how this thread is going I don't think you are hard wired to have NSA sex so I advise that you simply leave her alone.

 

Ok I guess that makes sense. Thanks.

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Trying to label the relationship is 100% feminine energy, therefore it's the girl's job, not yours.

 

Totally disagree with this.

I love it when a guy I'M INTO wants to make me his and let's me know.

It's leading the relationship.

There is a reason it's the men that propose...

 

OP, the issue was that she didn't want to be your gf, and now that she knows that is what you want she feels pressure and has backed away.

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Totally disagree with this.

I love it when a guy I'M INTO wants to make me his and let's me know.

It's leading the relationship.

There is a reason it's the men that propose...

 

OP, the issue was that she didn't want to be your gf, and now that she knows that is what you want she feels pressure and has backed away.

 

So if she didn’t feel the pressure she’d be open to something else?

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Don't plan your life around this type thing repeating itself. It's fairly rare coming from a woman. Most women if they're having repeated sex are open to being exclusive. This one isn't. My guess is she has a big crush on someone or hung up on an ex and can't be someone's girlfriend right now. So she didn't want to lead you on any further. But do not let this color your future interactions. You sound like a good guy and what you did wasn't clingy at least as I can tell from reading it and sounds like a logical next step. She's got something else going on. Sorry. You'll find someone better suited to you.

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Don't plan your life around this type thing repeating itself. It's fairly rare coming from a woman. Most women if they're having repeated sex are open to being exclusive. This one isn't. My guess is she has a big crush on someone or hung up on an ex and can't be someone's girlfriend right now. So she didn't want to lead you on any further. But do not let this color your future interactions. You sound like a good guy and what you did wasn't clingy at least as I can tell from reading it and sounds like a logical next step. She's got something else going on. Sorry. You'll find someone better suited to you.

 

She did tell me her last relationship ended badly because she got cheated on and that she is damaged.

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ChatroomHero
Totally disagree with this.

I love it when a guy I'M INTO wants to make me his and let's me know.

 

 

Well men propose, men new to dating ask you to go steady, be exclusive, be my best girl...lol.

 

 

I agree with the other poster, men shouldn't really try to verbally define the relationship until they propose. Most likely the man initiated the contact, initiated the first dates and displayed first interest by virtue of taking those first steps.

 

 

The "where are we at/where are we going/are we exclusive" conversation is kind of a wuss thing for a guy to bring up IMO and doesn't look great for a guy to do, it looks needy and insecure.

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It's her, not you. You're fine. Sorry it happened. People are unknown entities, you know, and they're all different.

 

Just super weird because she wanted to know life stories about me, was talking about all the things we could do in the future like different dates she wanted to go on and now all of a sudden she pulled the plug. Jeez, women are pieces of work.

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Everyone is pieces of work. You know, I had this chihuahua when I was growing up on the acreage. She was always out in the field chasing and yapping at bunnies or something. One day, this little baby bunny just stopped and turned around and looked at her, and all of a sudden, Penny just turned around and ran the opposite direction away from it.

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Everyone is pieces of work. You know, I had this chihuahua when I was growing up on the acreage. She was always out in the field chasing and yapping at bunnies or something. One day, this little baby bunny just stopped and turned around and looked at her, and all of a sudden, Penny just turned around and ran the opposite direction away from it.

 

So if the reason she friend zoned me is because she is “damaged” or afraid to get in a relationship, do you think it would be advantageous to text her and see if she would want to take things slowly or try and convince her to hangout just as non-exclusive friends or something? Or should I just leave it be?

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