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women that date multiple men at once....


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Ok, as for me, I am a 32 yr old male... I have always only been interested in dating one women at a time.. If I meet someone, I go on a date, and I like them, i dont seek out new partners.. If i dont like them, I dont see them again..

 

But recently I met a woman, (and have encountered this before) that I really like, yet have heard her mention, although briefly, other men she is dating. Actually even going out of town to see them...

 

Now we only had one date, but we hit it off and are going on another(one day before she goes out of town to see other guy she is dating i believe.) But, she does not seem flaky, and she made it a point to tell me how interested she is, how much she likes, and asked me to come see her the next 2 nights in a row after we met.(although i could not)

 

My question is... how to handle this????? I dont have much claim to her after one night, but also never enjoyed being one of many men a woman is dating. If she mentions the others is she testing me (since she made it clear she really likes me), or is she trying to say "i am just having fun, although i really like you" Am I too possessive? Normal? SHould I act like it is fine for her to date others? Truly show I am bothered? I want to be honest,l, but dont waant to blow this by being too possessive? ANy advice greatly appreciated..

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ReluctantRomeo

Be cool about it for a couple more dates. Just treat her as a friend with potential.

 

If you're still interested at that point, suggest you go exclusive. But right now it's reasonable not to narrow the field.

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elijahBailey
Originally posted by j6767

I dont have much claim to her after one night,

 

assuming that you've slept with her, then her playing the field at the same time is enough reason for you to bolt. But if the one night is non-physical, then I think she's not settled for any guy at this moment, so it's fair game for all the guys she's dating now.

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I'd wait a couple more dates and then be straight with her. Tell her that you're uncomfortable with the current arrangement. You have to be prepared for her to choose the "crowd" over just dating you alone though.

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When she mentions these other guys, yes, it is a test. Just don't play it. Smile and ask her if she thinks you really give a f--- about the other guys or plan to spend time thinking about them.

 

Second, just act like you don't care. It's not a big deal anyway. If you show her more value (fun, independence, challenge) she'll pull you more anyway.

 

This is a different thing than if she's sleeping with more than one of them at a time. no reason for you to get into a spot another guy just left two nights ago...

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Originally posted by j6767

I dont have much claim to her after one night,

your right...you don't

 

If she mentions the others is she testing me (since she made it clear she really likes me), or is she trying to say "i am just having fun, although i really like you"

hard to say after one date...but you are definitely in a competition for her.

 

SHould I act like it is fine for her to date others?

Yes....after one date she owes you nothing!

 

Truly show I am bothered? I want to be honest,l, but dont waant to blow this by being too possessive? ANy advice greatly appreciated..

Don't mention the other guys at any cost. Just be cool. Show her a good time and be attentive to her when you are with her but when you are apart do your own thing. She will test out your self-confidence to see if you get jealous. The truly confident dude won't care that she is seeing other guys (at least at this point)

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If I'm dating around and dating more than one guy at a time it usually means that I don't think any one of them is making enough of an effort to show me they are strongly interested.

 

Sometimes I stress about, which one do I like best?? HMmmmm...

 

....but I usually try to just relax and hope that in time one will outshine the others - the test of time, tenacity, patience.

 

She probably isn't playing games, she's just keeping her options open.

 

It takes a while for people to prove themselves to each other.

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If I'm dating around and dating more than one guy at a time it usually means that I don't think any one of them is making enough of an effort to show me they are strongly interested.

 

Sometimes I stress about, which one do I like best?? HMmmmm...

 

....but I usually try to just relax and hope that in time one will outshine the others - the test of time, tenacity, patience.

 

She probably isn't playing games, she's just keeping her options open.

 

Any likely she's used to dating men who also date around and so that is what she has learned. Perhaps your commitment to dating one person at a time might teach her something........? Might even be what she's looking for (it might take her a bit to realize it also).

 

It takes a while for people to prove themselves to each other.

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If I'm dating around and dating more than one guy at a time it usually means that I don't think any one of them is making enough of an effort to show me they are strongly interested.

 

Sometimes I stress about, which one do I like best?? HMmmmm...

 

....but I usually try to just relax and hope that in time one will outshine the others - the test of time, tenacity, patience.

 

She probably isn't playing games, she's just keeping her options open.

 

Any likely she's used to dating men who also date around and so that is what she has learned. Perhaps your commitment to dating one person at a time might teach her something........? Might even be what she's looking for (it might take her a bit to realize it also).

 

It takes a while for people to prove themselves to each other.

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Originally posted by clynn

She probably isn't playing games, she's just keeping her options open.

 

And likely she's used to dating men who also date around and so that is what she has learned.

 

When I'm in dating mode, I usually date 3 or 4 guys at the same time. I didn't used to, but the stupid waiting games guys have played on me taught me to do this. Having a nice date with some guy, and him saying he'll call me tomorrow, and after 3-4-5 days go by and no word, I soon learned to just move on to another guy and keep those options open.

 

I don't mention the other guys I'm dating *unless* a guy asks if I'm available on a day I've already got a date with someone else. Then I'll be honest and tell him, "Oh, gee, Friday night I've got a date with Rob." "What about Saturday night?" "Sorry, got a date with Tony that night. What about Tuesday?"

 

It's amazing how fast a guy drops the stupid waiting game tactics when he discovers you're not just sitting around waiting for his call. Competition gets him motivated! And if I have a real interest in him, and if he tells me he's not dating anyone else, then I'll let the others go and just date him. And if we get intimate, it's because we've had that "exclusive" talk.

 

But I *never* date other guys to try to make one particular guy jealous. That isn't fair to the other guys, and it would make me feel dishonest.

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A Fly onThe Wall
Originally posted by centered

Oh, gee, Friday night I've got a date with Rob." "What about Saturday night?" "Sorry, got a date with Tony that night. What about Tuesday?"

 

If a girl said that to me I'd be like ... I'm outta here.. an go find some other pus*y somewhere else..

 

That would be tacky to say that and name names..

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

It's possible that she had made the other plans before you met and while she may not be testing you, she still wants to see if the other guy has potential. It's all about taking risks (or not) but I don't think she is playing games.

 

You could talk with her on your next date, and tell her that you only date one person at a time and make a comment that she doesn't need to waste her time with all the other guys (keep it light). Tell her that you just don't want to feel like you're competing.

 

She likes you because she went out on a date with you. She's interested because she wants to see you again. If she knows your standards for how you conduct yourself, she may decide to date you exclusively, but you cannot force the issue.

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All these damn magazines instruct us girls to "tell" guys they are not the only one they have on their plate(until we want to be seriuos). Do you know that there is anyone else or is this a cosmo magazine tip that she is testing you on. It is supposed to make her more desirable. I just read this actaully. I would never do it, but some do. Maybe there really is no one. Personally, if I were a guy, and someone said that to me, I would NOT be interested.

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blind_otter

If she ever gets to the point where she's really into you, then you'll get the exclusivity you seek. But You said yourself, one date is no claim over anyone. Chill out. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Use a rubber. :p

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Originally posted by j6767

My question is... how to handle this?????

 

In my experience, if a woman is dating other people and actually tells you about it without being pressed, she really isn't that interested. If she won't have sex with you and mentions other guys to you, you're destined for the friend zone.

 

Either accept her for what she is, or date somebody else. Either way, be cool about it - don't get angry or present ultimatia, just tell her how you feel. Tell her there are no hard feelings and you respect how she likes to date multiple people, but that makes it impossible for you two to match.

 

I don't think you're normal, but most people here disagree with me. So, you'll have to decide who to believe.

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Originally posted by blind_otter

Chill out. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Use a rubber. :p

he does not need a rubber if he's masturbating :)

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A Fly onThe Wall
Originally posted by scratch

Either accept her for what she is, or date somebody else. Either way, be cool about it - don't get angry or present ultimatia, just tell her how you feel. Tell her there are no hard feelings and you respect how she likes to date multiple people, but that makes it impossible for you two to match.

 

I agree with ya scratch .. Damn..

 

This is correct advice.. and how you should handle it if you are not inclined to continue to date her

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Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

If a girl said that to me I'd be like ... I'm outta here.. an go find some other pus*y somewhere else..

 

That would be tacky to say that and name names..

I date to find someone I like as a person, who can be a friend, a lover, and possibly something that leads to a relationship. So far, goes that are just out looking for p*ssy never get to the "date" stage with me 'cause I'm not looking for a piece of meat.

 

On the flip side, and some backstory to my example, I have yet to date someone who *wasn't* also dating other people at the beginning, too, and they are up-front about that. I tend to go for the alphas, and they generally aren't without several dating prospects. Before a real "date," we will have had a chance to at least talk for an hour or two before deciding if there's date potential. Most of my first "dates" didn't happen until we'd known each other a week or more through work, volunteering, or some common social event. By then, we know what the deal is, if kids are involved, if he's married (so many married guys try to slip that one by till they hook you). So there's definitely some pre-screening going on first. And he'll certainly know I'm not exclusive right from date #1. It takes some mutual interest, good communication, the first level (of many) of trust, and some noticeable chemistry before both of us are ready to let the others go and focus just on each other.

 

Mind you, I wasn't always this savvy. If I had been more careful and NOT been exclusive from the first meeting of my ex, I wouldn't have wasted more than 10 years in a horrible marriage trying so hard to be everything that was expected of me. So I've learned to be more honest with myself and potential partners -- it saves so much BS and pain down the road.

 

Take it or leave it -- that's what I've learned and it works well for me now.

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A Fly onThe Wall
Originally posted by centered

So far, goes that are just out looking for p*ssy never get to the "date" stage with me 'cause I'm not looking for a piece of meat.

 

100% of guys are looking for pus*y.. Just like 100% of woman are looking for di*k..It's all part of being in a relationship.. I didn't say "Just" pus*y. and I wasn't refering to a player.. just normal guys.. I'm a normal guy and I don't tell the woman I'm dating the names of the other woman I'm dating.. That would be rude.. If I am sexual with anyone then I do them that I am seeing someone and it is a physical relationship..

Good luck

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Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

100% of guys are looking for pus*y.. Just like 100% of woman are looking for di*k..It's all part of being in a relationship.. I didn't say "Just" pus*y. and I wasn't refering to a player.. just normal guys.. I'm a normal guy and I don't tell the woman I'm dating the names of the other woman I'm dating.. That would be rude.. If I am sexual with anyone then I do them that I am seeing someone and it is a physical relationship..

Good luck

The guys I've dated more than once *have* told me first names only. I only will mention first names, too, if there's no chance we will know each other's dates. If we might know the other people, then, no, no names. One guy I dated numbered the women: "Chick #1, Chick #2, Chick#3, Chick#4...." Busy guy :) Numbering them was really off-putting to me, and I knew he was just chasing skirt and nothing more. When you give people names, it shows you are thinking of them as people. Anyway, I'd rather know what the playing field looks like up front. But maybe that's just me.

 

As for the "all guys" generalization, I find it depends on their age. Guys in their 50's and 60's seem to me a little more interested in women as companions. Sex is still important, sure! it is not the #1 thing for me in a real and lasting relationship. A close second, though :)

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HokeyReligions

Way back when -- I dated several men at a time, and I expect/assume they dated other women besides me. I don't start going-steady with someone until after we've been out quite a few times and feel we want to be exclusive. I would certainly never expect someone I just started dating to drop everyone else just to date me unless we reached that point in the relationship. I don't think its a big deal.

 

I know times have changed and now people often sleep together on the first date, but if THAT is the problem, then maybe she's not the one for you because you have a different set of priorities than she does. Nowadays if I were dating and decided to take that step (because for me - having sex means commitment and that means exclusivity) then I would want both of us to be tested for STDs and take precautions against pregnancy. I would also expect that exclusivity is the first step to either becoming engaged at some point, then married - or discovering that the relationship is not a good match and ending it.

 

Until I met my first fiance and then later my husband, dating was for fun and I didn't look at each guy I dated as a prospective husband -- not until after we were exlusive for a while. The first one didn't work out that way, the second one did. Sometimes girls DO just want to have fun and there are no ulterior motives or long-range goals, or sizing-up for a potential husband. Maybe that is what she is doing and she's being open and honest enough with you to let you know that she's not interested in commitment, but she is interested in you and in having some fun.

 

Talk with her and find out what her priorities are and if they mesh with your own.

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I don't feel bad about dating several guys at once, bc I am not being intimate with any of them, I am going to dinner, enjoying conversation, he-- I don't even give them a kiss goodnight. I don't see anything wrong with this if you are not in a serious rs, however once I start to develop feelings for one of them I stop seeing the other guys completely. I never thought about it as wrong, as long as it was clear to them that I was seeing other guys. I felt if it was only fair to let them know bc I believe in being totally honest. My ex and I did have a conversation about this recently bc when I first started seeing him I was seeing a few other guys too. Most of them out of town guys and he told me that he always felt that it was wrong to go out with others if you were talking to, or going out with him. He then reminded me of the date I went on with another guy when we first started talking and how wrong he thought that was. I told him I was sorry that I would never intentionally hurt him. I also reminded him that he did call me several times when I was on that date and that I talked to him each time and how we were not really seeing each other at the time. I have to admit it was pretty d--- cute, bc he would call me and say "Hey you still having dinner with him? How long does it take to eat? stuff like that, and then he laughed and said "Yeah and you did come over and see me afterwards" He told me he still didnt' like it though and I said why? and he replied "bc I wanted to take you out to dinner that night" The weird thing is he knew about the date I was going to have and he ask me to go to lunch with him that same day but I had to decline. He then ask me if I would stop by on my way back thru after my date and I told him I would. I personally feel as if it is ok, and if a guy has a problem with it then he should just tell me. I just assume that we are not exclusive unless we both agree that we will only see each other. Am I just weird. I know I am not a bad person, and I can honestly say that being honest about it seems to be best and I have had guys tell me that they don't want to see other women and wish that I wouldn't date other guys and so each time I have always respected their wishes and didn't see other guys from then on out. When my ex and I discussed this the other day, he made it quite clear he didn't like it, and that he wanted us to only see each other and I agreed to this, and WTF then a week later he dumped me. I will never understand men if I live to be 200.

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RecordProducer

So do you guys think that it's okay to sleep with more than one person during the non-exclusive period? Would you do it? How would you feel if your partner did it? Any experiences with that?

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I am currently dating more than one man. I think it would be ridiculous to expect someone you just went on a date with to only date you. The point of dating is to see who you like and who you don't, what you want, etc. Like the others have said, at this point she does not owe you that but later down the road you can agree on exclusivity.

 

Originally posted by RecordProducer

So do you guys think that it's okay to sleep with more than one person during the non-exclusive period? Would you do it? How would you feel if your partner did it? Any experiences with that?

 

Technically, there should be no problem with it. You don't know if you like that person yet or not so until something has been said about their being exclusivity then all is fair. Personally, I might feel bad if the guy I was dating was doing that, but only if I was already somehow attached to him. If I feel no bond with the guy yet, I couldn't care less.

 

P.S. Later down the road, if I ended up with the guy "I felt no bond with yet" I would be deeply hurt. So this sort of info shouldn't EVER be revealed if you end up with the person ;)

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