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My "casual", "no strings" lover of 1 year has confirmed that he is "dating&


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Old 19th July 2005, 8:49 AM   #1
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Question My "casual", "no strings" lover of 1 year has confirmed that he is "dating&

Well I thought I could "handle it", but it's bothering me. When he told me, (because he was bringing a girl to an event he knew I'd attend) he had a date. I just got out of bed, got dressed and said I had a lot of homework to do. We hugged, he left. Have not spoken since (1 week). No big deal, ball is in my court I suppose.

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS:
will I be compared?
why am I so hurt?
Should I drop him and WAIT for a guy who wants to be monogamous with me?
(the big one) Is this dude just screwing me while he activly IS searching for a REAL relationship?

THE FACTS:
I knew from the start that he did not want "anything serious"
I thought I didn't either but liked having my needs met
I have never had an on-going "casual" lover before him
we spend time together (which usually includes dinner/movie/sex) once per week
Recently, (about the last 2 months) I FELT/THOUGHT we had gotten close. ie, lots more affection, extended visits (2 days/nights)
I have not had a desire to see others

WHERE YOU ALL CAN HOPEFULLY HELP:
While I'm telling myself to end it with him because, quite honestly, I'm jelous and don't want to torture myself; There is a part of me that wants to "hang in there" because time may prove something worthwhile. ALSO, jelousy has been a life-long thorn in my side and has ended my past relationships, therefore, I wonder if this would'nt be a chance to overcome it. BUT SERIOUSLY.......AM I JUST BEING USED/DUMB/TOO SELF-SACRIFICING
Has anyone had a simular experience? How did you handle it?????
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Old 19th July 2005, 9:04 AM   #2
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I have been in EXACLTY the same situation. Word for word. I eventually decided to go cold turkey on him and just not contact him again after one day when he really hurt me by having sex with someone else in a pseudo-relationship when I thought we were making progress. It was so hard, but I am glad I did. He was a player, and I think even if we did end up together I don't think I could forgive him deep down for jerking me around so much.

It does hurt, because you are being directly compared and judged against another person(s). I used to get stressed and tense inside from that. My best advice is to leave, and just start seeing other people. Two can play at that game
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Old 19th July 2005, 9:52 AM   #3
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yeah I hear ya

thanks for responding. I needed that.

I do agree with you. chances are he is just a bonafied "player". Gee and it only took me a year to accept it! Man, I swear I sometimes wish I could be a player too. Dating sucks cause it often seems like if you don't give a guy his freedom, then he will just move on the "cooler" chick who will. By today's standards, I fear that if I told a guy "no I want monogamy" or "no I won't have sex with you until I can see if you fall in love with me", I'd be searching/waiting for a while. I've read all the empowerment crap for women that say we are to play games to MAKE someone fall for you. Maybe I should try it next time. What the hell is going on with modern romance? I'm 33 damn it. Sorry don't mean to whine so much
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Old 19th July 2005, 10:28 AM   #4
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Man, I know EXACLTY what you are talking about (Thing is now I've gotten into a relationship thats the COMPLETE opposite (see my "Pickle of a jam" post)). Its so competitive that you feel compelled to have sex with them asap in order to almost "secure" them from other people. I guess the best thing to do is seperate yourself from all the mingers out there, I think guys notice that and suddenly they see you as a "relationship" person. Of course some guys won't be interested in that, but c'est la vie, as plenty of others will. But the important thing is to remember to date other people. For me, thats what helped a lot. I tried not to think of them as rebounds, as I formally did funny little things to mentally finish off the relationship (deleting numbers on my phone, throwing away gifts/memories which was very upsetting but you need to go through that to get over it) and as such didn't cling to false hope anymore. Over time I fell out of love, and now I feel coldness for him and don't have any desire to see him ever again (and I was crazy in love too at the time).

To put it this way, I had the option to move houses recently. I really liked the house I was already in as it had many features that I thought I wouldn't find anywhere else, and as such was very hesitiant to move. However, after looking around the city I saw that there were heaps of other houses that had awesome and different features inside that I never expected to like. Becuase I was only singularly exposed and focussed on the house I was in now, I was simply unaware that the inside of other houses could easily be my home as well.

There were a lot of rundown dud houses to go through, but some good ones out there too!

Hope I helped...its good to know I wasn't the only one to go through that sort of crap too.

Last edited by poindimie; 19th July 2005 at 10:39 AM..
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Old 19th July 2005, 11:15 AM   #5
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Lightbulb hey poindimie want to tell you

first of all, I like your analogy with the house.

second, about that guy You are with.
Um, been there believe it or not and I did not post this with your "pickle" post because I was afraid of getting slammed for being negative, but the guy I had that prob. with (oh it drove me nuts) actually had a REAL reason why he would'nt go there with me.

I mean I Do think you should stick it out longer, but try asking him a few more direct questions about sex, that have nothing to do with celibacy or the ex-girl.

Wow, like I said, I REALLY don't want to seem negative, but it turns out that the guy I dated who claimed celibacy due to a bad relationship, told me MUCH LATER (after he trusted me more) that he has Herpes. If you think about it, if it were you, you might be REALLY scared to tell a potential mate that sort of thing.

ALSO....from what I can tell of your story, he does get an erection? Well I have a very good male friend who "holds out" for a long time with girls he dates because, while he can "get it up", he can't "keep it up". It's called performance anxiety and it is very real for lots of young men, and it really screws up my friend's lovelife. He won't even "go down" cause he fears that will create more pressure for him to whip it out. Sorry so long-winded, AND don't let me put ideas in your head. I'm just honestly trying to encourge you to not refrain from asking him some direct questions if you have not already.

I mean how many young men who have already had sex before, decide to go celibate for THAT LONG. please don't be mad for what I'm suggesting. good luck.
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Old 19th July 2005, 4:04 PM   #6
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ms. biz, just be straight forward with him. If you start ignoring him or just ditch him completely without finding out whether he's willing to start a real relationship, you could be screwing yourself out of one. Explain to him that you're not happy with the present arrangement and that you'd like to try a serious relationship. If he says no, then you know for sure and you can remove yourself from his bed and possibly even his life to spare yourself the feelings of hurt and jealousy. If he says yes, then you can try to have a relationship. If he says he needs to think about it, give him some time to think without pressuring him. Stop sleeping with him at that point. It lets him know you meant what you said, gives him space to think, and allows you to distance yourself in case he says no. If he's well-intentioned, he shouldn't have a problem with giving up the sex. Give him as much time as you're comfortable giving then have another talk with him. If he still doesn't know at that point, then move on. Tell him that's what you're going to do so and that if he decides he wants to be with you, he should give you a call.

With my year long "casual" relationship, I started to realize that I was in love with him and started to notice that he was no longer calling me or spending much time with me even though he seemed to go out a lot and flirted with a lot of girls. So I just assumed he was actually playing me and decided to do both some testing to determine his true intentions as well as getting rid of him. It was stupid, and if there was a chance that he did want to be together, my assuming that he was a jerk with bad intentions majorly lowered those chances. Then when he didn't know whether he wanted to be together, that led me to get upset at him (along with some other things), which lowered the chances even more. Of everything in my entire life, I regret not just talking to him, because he really is the most wonderful guy I've ever met.

So don't just assume your guy is a player and a jerk. If he was a player, why would he have told you about the other girl? Players don't tell one woman about the others. Talk to him and give him the chance to prove he's a good guy and tell you whether he wants to be with you or not. You lose nothing by talking to him, but you lose any chance to have a relationship with him by just dropping him from your life without knowing whether he wanted one or not.
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Old 19th July 2005, 4:16 PM   #7
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Re: My "casual", "no strings" lover of 1 year has confirmed that he is "dat

Quote:
Originally posted by ms.biz
. BUT SERIOUSLY.......AM I JUST BEING USED/DUMB/TOO SELF-SACRIFICING
Has anyone had a simular experience? How did you handle it?????
No, you're not being used. He told you up front what he wanted and you have gone along. If you're not into it anymore then tell him no.

Frankly, odds are that he is open to a relationship with someone, and he just doesn't see you that way. Why don't you just ask him and cut through the bs?
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Old 19th July 2005, 5:19 PM   #8
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He doesn't seem like he is playing you.

It could actually be that as the two of you were becoming closer he started to discover his interest in actually having a more serious relationship and hence has gone about seeking that out.

Maybe he also is interested in something more with you but is afraid to say so? So instead he assumes that you also are into just a casual relationship and so he has decided to begin dating as he doesn't want to put his life on hold......

OR, it could be exactly that....a casual relationship that has reached its end.

But in either case you need to find out to save your sanity.

I say go the risky route and share your feelings.

Good luck!
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Old 19th July 2005, 8:22 PM   #9
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There's nothing you can do but quit seeing him at all. If he has some feelings for you he will run back to you, but this time you will have to demand a serious relationship.
Don't show him you're jealous, just tell him you also met someone who might be the right one and wants to be exclusive with you.
Any other option will make you frustrated and humiliated.

However I would advise you to not hope too much and move on. He had his chance and he didn't go further than seeing you once a week on a casual basis. Why do you waste your time at age 33? You should be thinking about marriage and children.
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Old 19th July 2005, 9:04 PM   #10
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Quote:
Is this dude just screwing me while he activly IS searching for a REAL relationship?
That's always a possibility, Ms.

Quote:
knew from the start that he did not want "anything serious ...I FELT/THOUGHT we had gotten close. ie, lots more affection, extended visits (2 days/nights)
I have not had a desire to see others
There are two ways you can look at it:

1. He's satisfied with the relationship just as it is. I'm not sure that he's really "using" you, but, in this case he would definitley be looking for the "one" while he's having this "no string" thing with you (and possibly doing the same with someone else).

2. He may be feeling the very same way you are and doesn't know how to verbalize. Maybe he's testing you... maybe he wants you to tell him you want him exclusively.

You're the only one who knows all the details of the situation, so some suggestions for you to think about.

Good luck !!
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Old 20th July 2005, 12:58 AM   #11
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thanks for the input people

Hey, it helps to get feedback. Each of you is correct really.

yeah well the truth is that this guy is a real clam when it comes to talking about "us" and once before (6 months ago) he out-right said he was not in love w/me when I kinda questioned a little. I guess I just felt it had shifted.

Also I think I'm doing a very classic femalel thing, and hey, one thing good I suppose is that his reality check has given me the realization that I guess I am ready for a serious affair with whomever. Pretty big breakthrough for me since I've been gun-shy/shell shocked from my last LTR (3yrs ago), which almost ended in a wedding.

I have already decided to not call/back-off and see what happens. I mean, he is the one with the date, not me. I really don't feel like "playing by the rules we set over a year ago", but I won't show drama toward him either. It just depresses me to think that had I not been so eager to have a fling, this could have been a happier time for me.

Really, I thought if a casual sex friendship could carry on this long with so little drama and infact grow/evolve, then does it not indeed become something more special that is worth hanging onto???? I dunno
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Old 20th July 2005, 4:16 AM   #12
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hey...all the very best.

Of course it is not unreasonable to think that what you wanted when you started when you first hooked up with this guy and you were recently broken up from teh last one Has now changed to something different, as you've gotten to know him better and also seen how you felt about being in a relationship.

So, in either case its a good thing!

1) He could successfully be your 'transition' man that has kept you busy and gotten you ready for "the one"; or

2) maybe he too wants something more serious with you.

Keep us posted.
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Old 10th October 2005, 1:46 PM   #13
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I am not surprised,,women start casual relationships, but most really want
a serious realationship. It's not your fault, and this is not a complaint, nor
should this "condition" be seen as a negative aspect of a woman's psyche.

Women want permanance, guys are willing to fool around until they find
someone they can't live without and are tired and willing to settle down.

Tired of what ?,,Tired of the dating, the looking for Ms. Right,,etc. .
Men arent that much different. They are looking for love and companionship
too.

Anyway, should you go back to him? Tell him, or forget him ? I think it
depends on what you feel for him. You are not clear if you love him or if
you just got used to the reliable sex. If you think you love him, or could
learn to love him if given a little more time, then tell him that. It might
scare him or not. If you think it's just the sex, then there are others
around who would be happy to provide that. We get used to things and
when they change, it is upsetting. Don't confuse love with inconvenience.
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Old 13th October 2005, 3:54 PM   #14
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First How is he using you? Wouldn't it be fair to say that the two of you agreed to use each other? You said up front you wanted a no strings relationship. He is only doing what you agreed to in the beginning. I do understand that things change You now have some feelings for him and you want to change the nature of your relationship. That great. He may or may not want the same thing. If he doesn't want more then you ,for your own good should move on. Part as friends and leave it at that. I am so against The just "cut it off thing" so he will come running back to you IMHO this is some of the worse advice I read on this sight. Why do so many woman think this is a good strategy? In all honesty it sucks! Why play games? The best thing you can do is be hoest with what you want and how you feel. I can tell you that for many guys "the no contact" just says she has lost interest and has moved on. In his mind he thinks the best thing for me is I better also need to just move on and get on with my life as well. This has happened to me and I can't tell you how confusing it is. Both people wind up hurting and maybe ,just maybe missing out on having something great. My advice is to talk to you friend and tell him how you feel. Tell him that things have changed. If he can't g down the relationship road with you then kiss each other good bye. Be happy for the time you had and start looking for the one who wants to travel that road with you.
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Old 14th October 2005, 3:05 AM   #15
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funny

I had a casual thing with a friend. It was understood that we each would be looking for others.

It made me sad when she showed interest in others, and it made her sad when I showed interest in others.

As casual/ no strings as we try to make it, feeling just develop when you sleep together.
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