SBM1111 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Theres a guy at work I have been texting since late October. We get on well and I do like him but I have had a tough year and do not want to date anyone right now I simply have no interest. He asked late October was I seeing someone and I lied and said yes I was and he wished me luck. We stopped texting for about two weeks then it resumed again. He asked me to go for coffee/dinner a few weeks ago and I assumed he meant a date so I said no as I dont date people from work as it gets too messy etc he said he was only being friendly and not asking in that way and agreed to be friends. we text everyday and do get on well. Tonight he just asked me how is it going with the new guy I am seeing. I know its a lie but I am going to say well as I dont want to go down the "romantic" road. Yes I enjoy talking to him and like him but I am not ready to date anyone and I also dont particularly want to get involved with someone from work. I feel like I have made clear I am not interested in dating him and want to remain platonic but I am also conscious of how often we communicate and dont want to feel like I am leading him on. Does it sound to you guys that I am in fact doing that? What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 I think you should start backing away from the texting if you don't want to lead this guy on. I would stick to the bf thing for now because it sounds like this guy will try to take it further and rejecting him could also make work messy. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 ^^ good advice I would stick with that for now as you slowly pull away Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted December 15, 2018 Author Share Posted December 15, 2018 I do enjoy talking to him he is a great guy but I am not in a place where he would like me to be and I feel it isnt fair on him. I thought he would have understood by now that romantically nothing was going to happen but he is obviously still holding hope and i dont want to hurt him or cause drama at work Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 I feel like I have made clear I am not interested in dating him <snip> and dont want to feel like I am leading him on. You may not technically be leading him on, but you also have not been honest and transparent with him. The only way to make it clear that you're not interested in dating him, is to tell him straight-up...instead of hiding behind, "I've got a boyfriend". It is very possible to have a rewarding and mutually satisfying platonic relationship, but lying to have it or to keep it is unfair on the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 If a guy thinks he has a smidgen of a chance he's gonna run with it. Yes you are leading him on because you are well aware of his interest in you. In his mind if you are still talking to him, there must be something there/ has a chance down the road. IMO he's being an idiot, being an orbiter, but whatever. I agree you must make it clear to him you are not interested in him that way....you can tell him he's like a brother to you...that usually works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 The fact that you are worried about it means you should distance yourself from him. It's unfortunate that you can't just be friends, but I think it's clear he's looking for more from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 Theres a guy at work I have been texting since late October. We get on well and I do like him but I have had a tough year and do not want to date anyone right now I simply have no interest. He asked late October was I seeing someone and I lied and said yes I was and he wished me luck. We stopped texting for about two weeks then it resumed again. He asked me to go for coffee/dinner a few weeks ago and I assumed he meant a date so I said no as I dont date people from work as it gets too messy etc he said he was only being friendly and not asking in that way and agreed to be friends. we text everyday and do get on well. Tonight he just asked me how is it going with the new guy I am seeing. I know its a lie but I am going to say well as I dont want to go down the "romantic" road. Yes I enjoy talking to him and like him but I am not ready to date anyone and I also dont particularly want to get involved with someone from work. I feel like I have made clear I am not interested in dating him and want to remain platonic but I am also conscious of how often we communicate and dont want to feel like I am leading him on. Does it sound to you guys that I am in fact doing that? What should I do? You're actions and behaviors don't match. If you keep texting him and hanging out with him, he's naturally going to think you like him. He just thinks he needs to keep wearing down your defenses and that he can be a beta male orbiter until you break up with you "boyfriend." You just need to stop texting him and you may need to be a bit forceful about it. Yes, he likes you and he isn't just trying to be a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 So the problem is that you felt you had to lie to say "no" to this guy. Work on that ... You don't have to lie. People tell other people very day of the week thanks for the interest, but I don't want to date you. That's not a humiliation. That's just your honest assessment of where you are, and what you want. So your current problem--of drawing a good boundary with him--follows from the need to lie. You want to practice setting boundaries. Stop texting him so much. Tell him the conversation is more intimate than you want. Even the passive silence would be better than lying. Learn to say no to folks in the first place. I get that this may seem hard for you. I came from a family that just wasn't good at exactly what I'm counseling you to do. But really saying you're not interested is just passing on information to someone, which allows them to focus their energies elsewhere. And if you need, take a page from the time-tested strategy that people use without explicitly saying no. They say, no I'm not available this weekend .. and oh ... the following weekend, I don't think works either . They don't respond to a text--deliberately. They pull back a little, laugh less when with the person, share and reveal less. You have an arsenal of techniques that apparently you aren't using. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 meh, it's a good learning experience for him to not be a dumb-ass and waste his time on women who don't want him. The only problem is if he will get butt-hurt and go nuclear so I guess this is a learning experience for you also. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Theres a guy at work I have been texting since late October. We get on well and I do like him but I have had a tough year and do not want to date anyone right now I simply have no interest. He asked late October was I seeing someone and I lied and said yes I was and he wished me luck. We stopped texting for about two weeks then it resumed again. He asked me to go for coffee/dinner a few weeks ago and I assumed he meant a date so I said no as I dont date people from work as it gets too messy etc he said he was only being friendly and not asking in that way and agreed to be friends. we text everyday and do get on well. Tonight he just asked me how is it going with the new guy I am seeing. I know its a lie but I am going to say well as I dont want to go down the "romantic" road. Yes I enjoy talking to him and like him but I am not ready to date anyone and I also dont particularly want to get involved with someone from work. I feel like I have made clear I am not interested in dating him and want to remain platonic but I am also conscious of how often we communicate and dont want to feel like I am leading him on. Does it sound to you guys that I am in fact doing that? What should I do? I don't think you're leading him on per se, but I don't think that you have been as clear as you seem to think you've been. Right now, I wouldn't say anything about it unless he brings it up again and just keep it as someone you rarely get together with or contact because dealing with coworkers gets messy when you're not being clear. If he pushes, then I'd tell him exactly what you said quoted right above here. Nothing wrong with saying exactly that. Link to post Share on other sites
lovenoobi Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I think you should do the right thing which is often the harder thing to do and tell him up front but in a gentle manner that you're not romantically interested in him. At the very least like others have suggested you should decrease the amount of texting you do which you have already acknowledged is quite often. It's not exactly clear atm and maybe the guy thinks because the two of you communicate so often and he doesn't really see the presence of your pseudo boyfriend then he's hopeful that your relationship with this fake bf is poor and he still has a chance. Also I think you lying is not fair for him. Sure you can justify this because: a) he's a work colleague and you don't want it to get messy. b) you don't want to hurt him Which is all fine but I can't help but think another reason that is specifically beneficial for you: c) it leaves your options open & won't affect his perspective of you as much. In his mind he continues to think that you could not initiate a romantic relationship with him not because you didn't like him, but because purely of the "circumstances" you're in. For reasons A +B i'm a strong believer you can say whatever you want to a person but its just a matter of how you say it. I highly doubt a messy situation would occur if you do it in a respectful and sensitive manner. Plus if a messy situation does occur then the better it was that you have identify this side of him earlier which doesn't exactly make him a good friend either. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I do enjoy talking to him he is a great guy but I am not in a place where he would like me to be and I feel it isnt fair on him. I thought he would have understood by now that romantically nothing was going to happen but he is obviously still holding hope and i dont want to hurt him or cause drama at work Why is it so hard for you to simply be authentic? You're running a game here and not even being completely honest with yourself. Of course it's not fair to him, but you're obfuscating to yourself too. Firstly, it's not that he's a work colleague or that you aren't ready for a relationship... the actuality is that he doesn't make you wet. If he did both of those excuses would be out the window in a flash. Secondly, the reason you keep encouraging him is that you like the attention and affirmation of having a nice, safe guy fixated and semi-pursuing even though you have no intention of ever reciprocating. You are the one in control of this, so do the right thing. You don't have to cut him off completely, you also don't have to make any pronouncements about him not making you wet. All you have to do is make the character and frequency of communications consistent with that of a colleague. And quit lying about having a boyfriend! Then, if he still doesn't get it, tell him it ain't going to happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Definitely stop texting him. He thinks there is a chance sometime in the future that you will be interested. He needs to give up hope so he can move on. I never understand why women seem to think being friends with guys is fine and dandy. It's not. Most often someone has feelings for the other person. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Make a choice: Lose him as a friend or date him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 This guy is not texting you very day unless he feels one day you will date him. If you are never going to date him then stop him from wasting his time. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Ever curious, what is the reason why you do not want to date? Do you see this changing in the foreseeable future? Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 You shouldn't have lied - you know that, because your conscience is troubling you. That said, he's the one who wants to date you, he thinks you're in a relationship and he's still blurring the lines by texting you everyday. This guy's moral compass and self-esteem are a bit wobbly - you're not responsible for his actions. Come clean to him, tell him you are not interested and watch the texts dwindle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 He asked late October was I seeing someone and I lied and said yes I was and he wished me luck. We stopped texting for about two weeks then it resumed again. He asked me to go for coffee/dinner a few weeks ago and I assumed he meant a date so I said no as I dont date people from work as it gets too messy etc he said he was only being friendly and not asking in that way and agreed to be friends. I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that you're fine. You're not leading him on. You've told him twice that you were not available. Once using the boyfriend excuse, the other flat out telling him you don't date people from work. What's more, he himself said he saw you only as a friend. So there. You verbally both agreed to a friendship. If he wants more than friendship, that's on him, not you. But for now, you can go by what he says and assume you two are friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 So if you KNOW he's interested romantically and you KNOW the biggest reason he's texting with you is because he's hoping for it to be more than a friendship, why do you continue leading him on? For the attention? Because no one needs a texting pen-pal THAT badly, do they? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedHead5 Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 So, you need to tell him the truth that you are not interested. Then you will not be leading him on. If you want to be friends, tell him that. I have been in a similar situation as I was going through my divorce and I had to be very blunt with the guy about everything. I literally told him he had a crush and it would never happen. (Reasons just like yours but also add in he was married.) He denied of course but it was very obvious. Things were super awkward for about 2 months before he would even speak to me again. Shortly after, his wife got cancer and she passed away. I helped him through some of that and he helped me with some dating problems. Now we are really, actually friends. You CAN be his friend but he needs to understand that clearly and hiding behind the lie just makes him think there may be a chance. If you must, casually or next time he asks, tell him you stopped talking to the imaginary bf and then when he tries to ramp something up, tell him you are only interested in him as a friend. He will probably cut back communication on his own at that point (and let him). Then if possible you can re-establish a friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I think you should drop the lie and be real - you're single and you just want to be friends, nothing more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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