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Should I just let him go ?


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Old 8th December 2018, 6:30 PM   #1
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Should I just let him go ?

Dated a recently divorced man. I was hesitant to give it a go because obviously I was afraid he wouldnít be ready. But I did anyways. Sigh. We went on about 5 dates together. Chemistry amazing. He is older than I am. Iím 24, he is 37. We agreed we were both looking for something serious. We slept together one weekend. The same that following weekend- but his tune kind of changed. He mentioned his ex wife in a few comments - her profession, her religion. He even said I sounded like her. The next day he was supposed to come over for dinner but didnít. I sent him quite a lengthy text basically going off on him for standing me up. The next day I received ď Iím just not into this. You are sweet and loveableĒ blah blah. I thought it was him copping out. We stayed in touch that next week. I asked if he was still willing to try but he said itís not me itís just hard for him to get into something serious from an 8 year marriage. He doesnít know his plans and doesnít want to string me along. We still occasionally text and see how one another is doing. Should I just go no contact? I have strong feelings for him and Iím afraid I was used as a rebound and for sex and now friendship? Why is he still talking me after basically saying he isnít into me?
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Old 8th December 2018, 7:15 PM   #2
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We stayed in touch that next week. I asked if he was still willing to try but he said itís not me itís just hard for him to get into something serious from an 8 year marriage. He doesnít know his plans and doesnít want to string me along. We still occasionally text and see how one another is doing. Should I just go no contact? I have strong feelings for him and Iím afraid I was used as a rebound and for sex and now friendship? Why is he still talking me after basically saying he isnít into me?
He may not have known how unready he was for a relationship until after he slept with you--that's when time with you became real .. and the thought about relationship expectations ... and realized he wasn't ready.

How long has he been divorced? You were right to notice mention of his ex-wife. In fact, I would say that mention right there (you say he did this multiple times) was a sign that he was not ready to date you. That's a red flag.

BTW: I do NOT think he's "talking" to you. He's politely letting you down ... That's not "talking" in any real sense. The fact that he is politely letting you down, saying he's not ready and all of that ... shows he wasn't totally cold and cruel.

Yes, let go and move on.
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Old 8th December 2018, 7:29 PM   #3
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Block and delete, move on.
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Old 8th December 2018, 8:19 PM   #4
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Maybe the age difference was just a remporary ego boast.
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Old 9th December 2018, 6:36 AM   #5
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Yes, you need let him go and not stay in touch.

I don't think he even realized how not ready he is to date. He gave it a shot but he's not into it. I don't see that he used you, per se, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that friendly texting means something more.

He is evidently not good at breaking up with people and likely doesn't see the mixed message he's sending you by remaining friendly. Just stop responding.
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Old 12th December 2018, 5:19 AM   #6
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Mighty convenient it was after sex when he realized he's not ready. Don't let yourself be used again as a rebound. Move on.
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Old 12th December 2018, 6:08 AM   #7
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Mighty convenient it was after sex when he realized he's not ready. Don't let yourself be used again as a rebound. Move on.
Sometimes it takes that to realize you aren't ready to move on.
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Old 12th December 2018, 6:09 AM   #8
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Mighty convenient it was after sex when he realized he's not ready. Don't let yourself be used again as a rebound. Move on.
Sometimes it takes that to realize you aren't ready to move on. I don't think he was trying to use her.
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Old 12th December 2018, 7:37 AM   #9
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Dated a recently divorced man.
Now you know why to stay away from people recently divorced or seperated. Of course you were a rebound, and he'll have a couple more rebounds before he's ready to invest himself. He didn't know that at first because like ALL recently divorced people we think we're good to go and it's only after a while with someone, sometimes only after intimicy, we realize we've been fooling ourselves. The guy did nothing wrong, he's going through the same phases we all go through after a divorced. You, on the other hand, should have known better, as someone not recently seperated your head was clear and you should have known that dating a recently divorced man was a bad idea. You are young with less life experience so no one can blame you for falling in this trap. You'll get over him soon.

He did nothing wrong, no need to be mad at him, let him continue his route and you do the same.




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Last edited by Gaeta; 12th December 2018 at 7:41 AM..
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Old 12th December 2018, 11:43 AM   #10
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Dated a recently divorced man. I was hesitant to give it a go because obviously I was afraid he wouldn’t be ready. He mentioned his ex wife in a few comments - her profession, her religion. He even said I sounded like her.
ALWAYS go with your gut because, yes, it is obvious when you're dealing with a recently divorced man who is comparing you to his ex. No emotionally well adjusted adult does that to someone they're trying to get to know, romantically.

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The next day he was supposed to come over for dinner but didn’t. I sent him quite a lengthy text basically going off on him for standing me up. The next day I received “ I’m just not into this. You are sweet and loveable” blah blah. I thought it was him copping out. We stayed in touch that next week. I asked if he was still willing to try but he said it’s not me it’s just hard for him to get into something serious from an 8 year marriage. He doesn’t know his plans and doesn’t want to string me along. We still occasionally text and see how one another is doing. Should I just go no contact? I have strong feelings for him and I’m afraid I was used as a rebound and for sex and now friendship?
Unless you're looking for a smashing buddy right now with no feelings invested, then as long as you keep your feelings in check, you two can be f-buddies for now.

But yeah, the texting argument showed him that he wasn't ready for the rigors of relationship... and the fact that you're reminding him of his ex cannot be a good sign. He's not at the point of indifference with her to be at the point where he keeps his trap shut when thoughts of her cross his mind. He was basically telling you that his intimacy has an "occupied" sign on the door.

I seriously doubt he was in the right frame of mind to be getting into a new relationship on the heels of a failed marriage and divorce if this is what he's doing.


Quote:
Why is he still talking me after basically saying he isn’t into me?
Two reasons:

1. Because emotionally messy people engage in messy behavior.

and

2. Because you give him an audience. When you stop doing that, he'll stop contacting you.
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Last edited by kendahke; 12th December 2018 at 11:46 AM..
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