sophia_girl Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Hello, I'm new to this so go easy on me My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now, when were together in person everything is AMAZING. He's caring, funny, loving, interesting and our sex life is bomb, he is everything I want in someone. BUT when we're apart things get tricky. He sucks at texting which originally I was okay with but it has just been getting worse. He forgets about important things for example he forgot our anniversary which he profusely apologized for but also said.. "I've been super busy with exams, anniversaries are just not that important until marriage but I'm still sorry" before that he also had not texted me for three days and when I finally confronted him he said "you knew when we first started dating that I don't text often" which I agreed but I never expected it to be this bad. He seems to just not think it's a big deal that we don't communicate often. I've tried talking to him about it and he says he'll try harder to which I'll get a phone call a night for a few nights and then back to no texting again. I love him and constantly want to know how things are going in his life but I feel like I'm not that big of a priority for him to think to text or talk to when were apart. I in no way want to break up, I am constantly told by his friends, my friends, family, roommates how much he loves me and adores me and I am constantly reminded by the little things he does when were together. I just don't feel that love when were apart, and I don't feel like he makes the effort with flowers, or contact, or remembering special days.. I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up but I just don't know how to get my point across anymore. Am I being a crazy clingy gf and just need to relax, and let him do him. Or is there any advice I can get. Thanks, Sophia Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Try e-mail... I hate texting, as well. My girlfriend & I tried phone calls, but they were cumbersome, so we decided on e-mail. She can type her e-mails on her phone and I can type responses on my computer. For us, it works... If its an emergency (like when her car wouldn't start) she knows she can call me, but otherwise we e-mail. As a general rule we give each other time to respond to an e-mail inquiry. If an e-mail inquiry goes stale for 24 hours, I'll call and touch base, though. Just my suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I don't think you're being crazy or clingy. Most women like to have daily contact with the guy they love. And of course your feelings would be hurt if he forgot a date that was important to you in your relationship. Unfortunately he doesn't share your communication style or romantic nature in remembering dates (fairly typical for guys I think). Doe he respond if you text him? Maybe if you just send a good morning text he will respond and that can be somewhat of a compromise, although I know it won't be exactly what you're looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 If he starting communicating the way you want him to, you will soon lose attraction for him...it is the wonder and anxiety, the thirst, that is keeping you interested... If he starts communicating with you like a woman, you will lose attraction - men's communication values content over context - women can talk for the sake of talking, women enjoy talking, men need a reason to talk, they priorities content..the male and female minds are not the same..you are asking to do somethng he isn't wired to do well.. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I would just keep on nudging him to communicate a few percent more than he is doing now and be satisfied with that. Long distance is a tough game to play, and if you are getting all the love you describe, that is quite the blessing. Men will fail on the romance scene when they are that busy and have themselves shoulder deep in school. It doesn't mean they love you any less; heck I forgot a birthday once because my ex celebrated two different birthdays. I was called out for it but loved her as much as I could anyway. I think getting him to communicate with you slightly more frequently will be great. Just don't penalize him if you think you are losing the mystery like James said. Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) Boyfriends who CONSTANTLY ignore you for two or more days are crappy. I don't care for the so called "mystery" that James talks about. One of the reasons i dumped my ex bf is because he often went days without checking in to see how I was doing. I prefer a more caring person. James, you as an individual are wired that way. Men in general are not. Op, this will not get better and I do believe it is a sign that he does not take you seriously. Either that or he is playing the childish game that Jamess talks about. I will not advise you to leave him though. That is completely up to you. Stay with him if you want but it won't make sense to keep complaining if you choose to stay. If you choose to stay, you will have to learn to accept the situation for what it is. Edited December 9, 2018 by LoverOfDance Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Back when I dated I could care less about a dating anniversary. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 How much do you reach out to him? It may be that you need to initiate more and check in briefly with him daily, knowing that when he gets really busy, you may not get much of a reply. That should be okay with you if the relationship is solid and you want to support the things he is doing in his life, and if you feel supported by him in your life. On the other hand, if he never initiates contact with you, that's a problem. Is he regularly asking to see you? I too don't think dating anniversaries are a big deal (even wedding anniversaries are just a calendar date, what matters is the day to day relationship that you have, in my opinion). To me, honestly, if you are truly happy with him, hanging the relationship on whether he remembers an anniversary is focusing on the wrong thing, if everything else is as good as you mentioned. If you are feeling unacknowledged by him in general and that is why him forgetting the anniversary is a big deal to you, than that is a different story. Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 This guy is over the age of 35 I'm guessing? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Back when I dated I could care less about a dating anniversary. Same here... My girlfriend tells me our dating anniversary is in January (sometime, I don't remember the date), but I don't celebrate it or feel the need to celebrate it. I remember her birthday, Valentines Day & Christmas... isn't that enough!! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I would like more information....your ages, dating experience, is he in uni? and for what? how much longer is he in school for? does he work too? Are you long distance? How often do you see each other? what do you two do when you do see each other? what do you talk about? Does he party? is he a gamer? Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Reading your post again - I would not be happy if 3 days went by with no contact and that is why I asked how often you are initiating contact? When you don't hear from him, do you make it into some kind of test to see how long before he contacts you, or do you reach out to him and check in? Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 (edited) @greymatter - She said she was the one who "confronted" him after he went three days without saying a word. I'm going to guess that that means she reaches out to him. She is speaking out because she can feel there is a lack of balance in the relationship. To me, this seems to be another case of one partner caring more about the relationship than the other. Either that or her boyfriend is one of those men who play the ever popular push and pull game. Op, most of the time, the way he treats you is the way he feels about you. As i said before, you don't have to leave him but if you stay, you have to own that decision and learn to live with it. You have expressed your feelings about his communication style and he still hasn't changed. I don't see him changing if this is how things have been for the past two years. Edited December 9, 2018 by LoverOfDance Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 @greymatter - She said she was the one who "confronted" him after he went three days without saying a word. I'm going to guess that that means she reaches out to him. She is speaking out because she can feel there is a lack of balance in the relationship. Confronting him one time is not initiating regular communication, which is what I was asking about. You guessing that she reaches out to him is just a guess. That is why I asked her, the person who is in the relationship being posted about here. Thanks for the guess and assumptions though. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 TBH I don't think he is that interested. He can say whatever he wants to friends and family, but the way he treats you speaks volumes. If he really cared for you and you wanted to celebrate important dates in your relationships, he would put in effort. There would be no excuses. After marriage, he won't start suddenly treating you better. The whole communication thing is a problem. My bf and I are going on 2 years and no matter how busy we are, we never go more then a couple hours w/out texting each other. You can talk to him about texting until you are blue in the face and he won't change a thing. If he isn't putting in effort, he doesn't care that much for you. I've had several guys who sucked at texting, I asked many times and nothing ever changed. I figured out when someone really loves you, you don't have to beg for their attention or ask because they do it automatically. Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 @Greymatter - I am making a guess but i'm pretty sure that I am correct. When you have real strong feelings, they are usually hard to hide. The Op says that she is curious about his life and usually wants to know how he is doing. I am willing to bet that since she cares about him so much, she DOES reach out to him. She is speaking out because she is NOT getting the same energy and effort back in return. Link to post Share on other sites
DrNo1962 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 If he starting communicating the way you want him to, you will soon lose attraction for him...it is the wonder and anxiety, the thirst, that is keeping you interested... If he starts communicating with you like a woman, you will lose attraction - men's communication values content over context - women can talk for the sake of talking, women enjoy talking, men need a reason to talk, they priorities content..the male and female minds are not the same..you are asking to do somethng he isn't wired to do well.. I agree with this to an extent. The truth is when there is an expression/need to escalate the communication or lack thereof, the man needs to step up. It doesn't mean daily texting, but he needs to do certain things to make her feel wanted, appreciated & loved. ---------------------------------------------- OP, have you had an honest and direct conversation with him about his communication style? Perhaps you need to let him know clearly that you want him to reach out to you more (no excuses). Back-off a little and see how he responds. Sometimes relationships can fall into a bit of complacency when things get taken for granted over a couple of years. You essentially need to reset this by letting him come to you and start courting you again. If you are open and honest about your feelings with him regarding this issue and then back-off, hopefully he will get the message and start to initiate contact/increase the frequency of meaningful connection between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 @Greymatter - I am making a guess but i'm pretty sure that I am correct. When you have real strong feelings, they are usually hard to hide. The Op says that she is curious about his life and usually wants to know how he is doing. I am willing to bet that since she cares about him so much, she DOES reach out to him. She is speaking out because she is NOT getting the same energy and effort back in return. I'm not interested in whether you are correct or not. I posted to the thread asking questions of the OP, to help the OP. This isn't about you or me. Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I am beginning to doubt the realness of this thread as the Op seems to have abandoned it. Link to post Share on other sites
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