Lobouspo Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 (edited) Background: I'm getting married in July. My fiancee has expressed interest in traveling to either Dubai or Jamaica with friends a few months after, in the fall sometime. I told her that was fine, but while she is gone with them, I would take a solo overseas trip to Asia or Europe. She got upset and basically said I was expressing my disapproval in a passive agressive manner. She said it's ok only if I go with friends. Well, she knows my friends have jobs, families and responsibilities and cant just pluck down that kind of cash for an oveseas trip (we live in the U.S. Btw). How do you guys feel about your S.O. taking an expensive overseas trip especially if you live together and share expenses? Is it wrong for me to travel alone somewhere while she's having fun with friends in Dubai or Jamaica? Edited December 2, 2018 by Lobouspo Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 I have no issue with people in LTRs traveling alone or with same-sex friends, assuming no other issues (e.g. overspending, history of infidelity, etc). But, she has a point in that your response WAS passive-aggressive. If you have issues with her going (and from your post it's pretty clear that you do), talk to her about them like an adult. You going overseas by yourself is fine, but it's not going to fix the core problem, you're likely not even going to enjoy yourself if you're just doing it "because she's doing it", and your communication issues are just going to get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 You will be newly married and she wants to go on a trip friends a few months after....what's wrong with that picture? Isn't it time to stop acting single and start making memories together?? I would want to go with my husband, and maybe with another couple. You know what's she's going to be doing...going to clubs with her friends, flirting/dancing with other guys. Dude with her complaining about you going alone, is her projecting her own guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 You know what's she's going to be doing...going to clubs with her friends, flirting/dancing with other guys. You do realize that not everyone travels to do this, right? I know some people do, but I never understood it. Why take a 10 hour flight to do the exact same thing that you can do 500m away from your house? For some people travel is about experiencing a new place and culture, not about trying to get drunk/high/laid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 It depends on whether or not you've always traveled a lot. For some people, a trip overseas alone happens a few times a year, for others, rarely. If you're going in reaction to her trip, then she'll read into it your disapproval. If you're usually traveling a lot, you can choose to go while she's gone, or go after she comes back if you have pets to look after. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 I wouldn't like it if my new husband was planning such a trip without me after being newly married. I also don't understand why you would want to travel alone without your wife to Asia or Europe. I agree either you two are married or single, which is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 I think you are no more wrong than she is. If taking a trip with her friends is how she wants to spend some of her time off, that's fine but it's equally fine that you would like to spend yours traveling also and that your preference for traveling is alone (or circumstances, i.e. friends that work is such). I do agree with the others though that maybe a good idea would be to plan some trips together so you have your own memories together. But i think your fiancé is being hypocritical. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 My, you are trying to control her, aren't you? There's nothing wrong with her going on a trip with friends. You are being passive-aggressive. You only said that to control her. You assume if she has an opportunity to cheat, that she will, and you assume that not because that's who she is but because that's what you would do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 (edited) You do realize that not everyone travels to do this, right? I know some people do, but I never understood it. Why take a 10 hour flight to do the exact same thing that you can do 500m away from your house? For some people travel is about experiencing a new place and culture, not about trying to get drunk/high/laid. I am aware of that...just pointing out that if she is going for cultural experience reason, why not share the experience with your new husband? It just doesn't make sense to me that why go on a girl's trip when you are newly married. Obviously there needs to be a discussion about expectations and boundaries. Edited December 2, 2018 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I wouldn't like it if my new husband was planning such a trip without me after being newly married. But how is her trip any different? OP - I'd be considering your own reasons for going on your trip. If there is any envy or jealousy involved then yes it is a passive aggressive approach. But if you're doing this solely to fulfil your own desire to go exploring, then power to you. Contrary to what some other posters have said I don't think there is any intention to cheat on either side. But it is very easy to see how OP's fiancee could interpret OP's trip as being passive aggressive - OP it's up to you to convince her of your own intentions and work out exactly why she doesn't think you should go on your trip. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2much4 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I think she's the one projecting. The red flag for me is that she automaticaly assumes there is passive agression involved. Maybe OP doesn't want to be home bored while she's having fun exploring.... For me this could indicate several things: - there's a history of trust issues - there's a history of passive agressiveness on either side - double standards: she wants to have fun but deep down doesnt feel it's right so refuses to let you do the same Tbh I don't think it matters if it was a passive agressive response or not. It's weird she doesnt want OP to go. If she's really only bothered about you going alone, why not try an organised tour? Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 You will be newly married and she wants to go on a trip friends a few months after....what's wrong with that picture? Isn't it time to stop acting single and start making memories together?? I would want to go with my husband, and maybe with another couple. You know what's she's going to be doing...going to clubs with her friends, flirting/dancing with other guys. Dude with her complaining about you going alone, is her projecting her own guilt. You do realize not everyone thinks like you right? Not everyone has his life revolves around one person only and leave his friends and having fun behind. Until that one person cheats on them and they are left alone without friends and without the SO. Some people like to have fun with friends, and they don't intend to cheat and flirt, just travel and enjoy new cities. Nothing wrong with that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I think she's the one projecting. The red flag for me is that she automaticaly assumes there is passive agression involved. Maybe OP doesn't want to be home bored while she's having fun exploring.... For me this could indicate several things: - there's a history of trust issues - there's a history of passive agressiveness on either side - double standards: she wants to have fun but deep down doesnt feel it's right so refuses to let you do the same Tbh I don't think it matters if it was a passive agressive response or not. It's weird she doesnt want OP to go. If she's really only bothered about you going alone, why not try an organised tour? She wants him to go with friends, not alone because she does not trust him enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I am aware of that...just pointing out that if she is going for cultural experience reason, why not share the experience with your new husband? It just doesn't make sense to me that why go on a girl's trip when you are newly married. Obviously there needs to be a discussion about expectations and boundaries. Well, if you have gone on a girls' trip every year with your close friends, would you just "fall off the radar" because you got married? Traveling alone (or traveling with friends) doesn't mean that you can't ALSO travel with your husband. You don't need to spend 100% of your leisure time joined at the hip. But of course, if she is overspending their joint finances or spending ALL her leave on the trip and leaving none for the husband, etc etc, those are all valid issues. He just needs to TALK to her about those issues, instead of responding in a passive-aggressive manner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I think she's the one projecting. The red flag for me is that she automaticaly assumes there is passive agression involved. Maybe OP doesn't want to be home bored while she's having fun exploring.... The OP's post is absolutely dripping with passive aggression, lol. He does have issues with her going. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RideTheLightening Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Background: I'm getting married in July. My fiancee has expressed interest in traveling to either Dubai or Jamaica with friends a few months after, in the fall sometime. I told her that was fine, but while she is gone with them, I would take a solo overseas trip to Asia or Europe. She got upset and basically said I was expressing my disapproval in a passive agressive manner. She said it's ok only if I go with friends. Well, she knows my friends have jobs, families and responsibilities and cant just pluck down that kind of cash for an oveseas trip (we live in the U.S. Btw). How do you guys feel about your S.O. taking an expensive overseas trip especially if you live together and share expenses? Is it wrong for me to travel alone somewhere while she's having fun with friends in Dubai or Jamaica? Why would she not want you to go with her to Jamaica or Dubai? My thinking on this is that you are not happy with her travel plans and feel something is fishy about it. If you are uncomfortable with her traveling like this without out... then please tell her NO. Just say no. As her future husband it's Ok to tell her that you don't want her to go without you. If she persists... then you get to make a choice regarding whether you wish to continue being in a relationship with a woman like that. You cannot be an overly permissive man or she will walk all over you and lose respect. Regarding your idea to travel solo... I don't believe its something you seriously want to do. However, it does reveal the fact that your fiance has no issue being a hypocrite. How does that make you feel? Why do you think she feels comfortable doing that with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lobouspo Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 Thanks for the responses. Am I being passive agressive? Sure. Would I genuinely like to travel alone? Yes, the only time I have ever truly travelled alone is for business trips. I think it would be fun to explore a location by myself without having to answer to anyone Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 I wouldn't have a problem with either. Ain't nothing fishy going to happen in some place like Dubai. Sheesh. Isn't sex and drinking illegal. So, since you admit you are being passive aggressive, why do you have a problem with it? I think it's important to confront this issue before marrying someone, as there might be compatibility issues if neither of you want the other to do anything independent (even though you're both being hypocrites). Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Am I being passive agressive? Sure. Why do you not see this as a problem? Travel alone by all means, but if you're going to be "communicating" via passive aggression, you two are gonna have a long hard road ahead of you (or more likely, a short hard road). Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Thanks for the responses. Am I being passive agressive? Sure. Would I genuinely like to travel alone? Yes, the only time I have ever truly travelled alone is for business trips. I think it would be fun to explore a location by myself without having to answer to anyone Well since you feel this way go on your trip and have fun and let your wife do the same. It seems you both are on the same page now. Good. Link to post Share on other sites
RideTheLightening Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Thanks for the responses. Am I being passive agressive? Sure. Would I genuinely like to travel alone? Yes, the only time I have ever truly travelled alone is for business trips. I think it would be fun to explore a location by myself without having to answer to anyone Traveling alone is a lot of fun. I've done it frequently. Even more frequently I don't end up alone the whole trip. Same with going to Jamaica with "the girls". That's pretty much the same thing as saying "I plan to cheat". Women go to Jamaica for the "beaches" the same way dirty old men go to Thailand for the "culture". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat77 Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 I wouldn't have a problem with either. Ain't nothing fishy going to happen in some place like Dubai. Sheesh. Isn't sex and drinking illegal. So, since you admit you are being passive aggressive, why do you have a problem with it? I think it's important to confront this issue before marrying someone, as there might be compatibility issues if neither of you want the other to do anything independent (even though you're both being hypocrites). Ive lived in UAE Dubai for past ten years -- Plenty of fishy going on everywhere - Huge boozing country (hotels/bars all serve alcohol - just cant walk the streets drinking it of course) -- And sex happens behind closed doors (but doesn't it usually?;-) Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Ive lived in UAE Dubai for past ten years -- Plenty of fishy going on everywhere - Huge boozing country (hotels/bars all serve alcohol - just cant walk the streets drinking it of course) -- And sex happens behind closed doors (but doesn't it usually?;-) Ok but I was under the impression sex is only permitted when married, and PDA is frowned upon. I don’t think anything fishy is going to happen as far as OP is concerned about his girlfriend cheating etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 If someone's going to cheat on you, they're going to cheat on you whether they're 5km away from home or 5000km. Frankly if you can't trust someone to be faithful to you, you shouldn't even be with them, much less getting married to them in a few months' time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 I thought marriage was about sharing your life together...... Link to post Share on other sites
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