maestrok Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 Me 30 Him 35. Dated for couple months. One serious issue I have is the way he interacts with me in setting up dates. He doesn't make plans with/for me. He just makes plans. Not necessarily for me. Ideal if I can/would join but if not no problem, I'll find another friend to join me. I'm sad because it makes me feel like I'm interchangeable and not very special. He doesn't get it. He's saying you get to do such fun activity for free so why angry. If you don't want to do it just say no I'll find another friend for it and you can say yes for things you like to do. So you have options. No big deal. In a way, I think it's very selfish of him. I'm really serious about this issue but want to know if I am overreacting. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 The problem is you are serious about him but he isn't serious about you. When a guy wants you he wants to set up a date for just the two of you. Don't complain to him anymore just start seeing other guy until you find one who will treat you like you are important to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author maestrok Posted November 26, 2018 Author Share Posted November 26, 2018 I'm not sure if I'm umimportant to him because if I suggest to do something together he'll almost always say yes. I partially think that's because I know what he likes so I try to suggest what we likely can both like. He claims it's because that makes me happy. I asked why not then suggest/tell what makes both happy. And then he says if I'm happy he's happy..... To be honest, I'm so disappointed now that I'm unable to be nice to him. I don't want to break up and want to make things work but I'm just responding/sending cold mechanical texts lately. And I know talking/reasoning with him absolutely won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 He enjoys hanging out with you and that’s about it. His take it or leave it stance sounds like he’s treating you like one of his friends rather than a woman he’s interested in courting. His lack of planning dates may suggest that he’s not as invested and is just passive about you. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 It is selfish of him and very controlling. The balance would be if you could suggest something different and he'd say, Okay, or, Next time. It's his way or the highway. Link to post Share on other sites
RedHead5 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 So he plans what he wants to do and invites you along. If you ask him to do something he always agrees. Problem is that his method does not make you feel special when he invites you. He presents it as take it or leave it. You want someone to woo you and this guy is not doing that. This guy is living his life and inviting you in it but not necessarily interested in 'sharing' a life. Sounds a little emotionally unavailable. Sounds like he is not making you happy so you should consider whether you want to continue. You won't change him and it's not going to get any better than how it is now in the beginning of a new relationship. This is your honeymoon period of impressing each other and you aren't impressed. Maybe he is just not the right one for you, doesn't mean he is a bad guy. Just means your ideas of a relationship don't align. If you tried talking to him and he just gives you excuses and doesn't try to understand and compromise then maybe you just aren't a good match. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Sounds like he's read one too many dating guides on how to look alpha and non-needy. A lot of these push the idea of doing all the date planning (because girls like a guy who takes charge) and also of having a backup plan (take a a friend instead, don't want to look needy). Perhaps he just hasn't figured out when it's time to let his guard down and stop playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 To be honest, I'm so disappointed now that I'm unable to be nice to him. I don't want to break up and want to make things work but I'm just responding/sending cold mechanical texts lately. And I know talking/reasoning with him absolutely won't work. It doesn't sound like there's anything to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Has he ever specifically asked you on a date? Just like old fashioned - asked you out on a Tuesday/Wednesday for dinner on a Saturday night with just you and him? Or it is "hey, I'm thinking of going to see XYZ movie tonight/tomorrow would you be interested in coming" Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 He's a lazy dater...he has no interest in knowing what you are interested in or making you a part of his life...you are just a tag along. Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Stop complaining and dump him...it's a no brainer he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Me 30 Him 35. Dated for couple months. One serious issue I have is the way he interacts with me in setting up dates. He doesn't make plans with/for me. He just makes plans. Not necessarily for me. Ideal if I can/would join but if not no problem, I'll find another friend to join me. I'm sad because it makes me feel like I'm interchangeable and not very special. He doesn't get it. He's saying you get to do such fun activity for free so why angry. If you don't want to do it just say no I'll find another friend for it and you can say yes for things you like to do. So you have options. No big deal. So you finally find a rare guy who just takes the lead and does his job like he is supposed to do,...and you're complaining about it. I know women who would kill to find a guy like that. All you have to do is give him suggestions of what you would like to do and he will build that into the dates. There is also nothing stopping you from contacting him and making a date yourself,...or telling him there is something you want to do and then let him plan it out. Stop complaining about petty stuff and see the bigger picture. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 I think you're more invested in your relationship than he is. If he's just making plans and "if you can come, cool, if you can't, cool--I got someone else who can go" is his party line time and time again, then no, he's not invested in you. You are interchangeable--it's good you picked up on that. Now finish the job and walk yourself out of this dead end, "will never get my youth back" relationship you find yourself in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author maestrok Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 Me 30 Him 35 For the past week we were arguing every single day over some small issues (you know those that are small but can blow up). I tried to explain how it's making me feel and suggest solutions (why don't we try this, why can't we do this then, etc). But he just keep saying it's wrong for me to feel that way, you said this and that no you didn't do this, etc. i didn't/can't do this because you are being so angry and negative (?????). And I tried to tell him I'm angry because we have these issues so if we do xyz, issues will be gone and I'll be not angry. He then says I won't do anything while/because you are angry (????). I'm so so so frustrated. I cried so much (alone later) because I was so frustrated at being not heard and being unable to communicated. I don't want to break up but I'm starting to feel like that's the only option. Is it really? I'm so upset and sad and disappointed that I don't want to see him even if I miss him because I feel like If I see him, I'll want to resolve these issues to be able to move on and arguments would continue exactly the same way. At the same time, if we don't resolve or just don't see each other then we'll just grow apart. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 What exactly are you fighting about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maestrok Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 What exactly are you fighting about? I want to make plans (as in just know date/time to meet next, not necessarily some elaborate hour-by-hour scenario) whereas he wants to be completely spontaneous and meet in like an hour notice. He says he will be there for me all the time so I just have to let him know when I feel like seeing him. Which is not true. It only works when he's free at that moment! I also need to be able to make other plans. I tried to explain this and he says, then make other plans and see me when you have free time. To me that feels like he doesn't need to see me at all. He thinks that means I can see him anytime. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 You can't win. If you do it his way you lose. If you do it your way (which makes sense) you get into a fight with him. I hate being the sort of poster who says "dump him" so I won't say it but I will say that some problems can't be fixed and when you're arguing every day without any sort of resolution there comes a point where you have to start weighing the pros and the cons of the relationship and being honest with yourself even if it means a bit more pain now rather than less pain spread out over a long period of time such as the rest of your natural life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maestrok Posted December 6, 2018 Author Share Posted December 6, 2018 After another long talk, I gave in because I do love him. So I said I'll do it his way because for me what matters more is to see him. But It's really sad. I don't even know how this spontaneous thing works. And as much as I'm doing this, if he loves me the same, he would've/could've done the same too. So does this mean he doesn't love me that much? I'm doubtful. Now even if I miss him, I feel very reluctant to ask him to meet up. I just can't get myself to say that. My heart keep sinking. It's really sad. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 (edited) I want to make plans (as in just know date/time to meet next, not necessarily some elaborate hour-by-hour scenario) whereas he wants to be completely spontaneous and meet in like an hour notice. . That would definitely not work for me. My time is more valuable than to sit around, waiting for him to decide he wants to get together. Your needs are important too! This is very one sided and you need to be cautious with men who are dismissive of your feelings and unwilling to compromise. This is very inconsiderate and rather disrespectful. I would never date a man with this kind of attitude. Is it possible that he will not make plans because he is dating/hoping to date someone else? Edited December 6, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 After another long talk, I gave in because I do love him. So I said I'll do it his way because for me what matters more is to see him. But It's really sad. I don't even know how this spontaneous thing works. And as much as I'm doing this, if he loves me the same, he would've/could've done the same too. So does this mean he doesn't love me that much? I'm doubtful. Now even if I miss him, I feel very reluctant to ask him to meet up. I just can't get myself to say that. My heart keep sinking. It's really sad. How long have you been together maestrok? I really wish you'd reconsider going with his way of dating. Love shouldn't make us sad. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Look, he can't make plans and it's always going to be that way. I can't stand people like that. I don't care if it's just the way they were built or they're doing it intentionally -- I can't stand to deal with it. He has no right to tell you not to be angry. How can this possibly lead to a peaceful future with him? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 How well do you know him? One of the signs of a married/attached man is that he always makes plans at the last minute, as that is when he can get away. Link to post Share on other sites
DrNo1962 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) I've seen a lot of people in the PUA community do this thing to try and come off as being non-needy. Unfortunately this guy may be buying into that or is just plain simply doing it wrong. When a guy sets a date, he is making plans to be with you only. You are his priority/desire and he is wanting to be present with you so you can have a fun time, get to know you better and build attraction/physical chemistry. Edited December 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author maestrok Posted December 13, 2018 Author Share Posted December 13, 2018 So this spontaneous thing really doesn't work for me. Made me really sad and frustrated all the time even though I was happy to see him when we got together. I texted him saying exactly this - that I tried really hard but this is really difficult for me and it's making me too sad and frustrated. Well, he read the texts but hadn't responded. For days now. Guess we are over now - right? Just to make sure - I don't think I'm the one who's supposed to message first, right? Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 This isn't really a PUA thing. From my experience, a lot of girls will shoot you down by cancelling last minute, not going to stuff, etc. So guys end up doing stuff like this to avoid the rejection, and just from a practical sense constantly making plans and getting cancelled on sucks. I'm sure you constantly thinking of ending things because he does this is the opposite of what you need to do. He needs to feel more secure in the relationship not less. At any rate when a girl did this to me I just assumed she wasn't interested and I stopped initiating plans with her (same situation but reversed really, I was the guy and the girl wanted to make spontaneous plans only). Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 This isn't really a PUA thing. From my experience, a lot of girls will shoot you down by cancelling last minute, not going to stuff, etc. So guys end up doing stuff like this to avoid the rejection, and just from a practical sense constantly making plans and getting cancelled on sucks. OK maybe, but after 2 months...??? He is also 35, not 18... Link to post Share on other sites
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