Should I confess my social anxiety issues on a first date?

[frankspeci]

I'm a 33yr old male who's struggled with bad social anxiety nearly all my life.

 

3 years ago I made changes. I started working in the corporate world. I started seeing a therapist, did a lot of research. I upped my fashion game, found places to go out on weekends, got a couple drinking buddies, went on a many tinder/bumble dates, traveled quite a bit, found more extroverted hobbies.

 

I'm at a point now where I can comfortably walk down busy streets without becoming drenched in sweat, I can sit in a crowded bar and have drinks, I can make small talk when I have to. I can make a date last a couple hours.

 

But the problem is, I'm not out of the woods yet with my social anxiety. I still have the occasional episode on dates when I'll get nervous and start very noticeably sweating. When it comes to trying to escalate physical contact I struggle to do it smoothly. I can't quite flirt well either, and I still feel that I project an overall vibe of anxiety that women can sense.

 

As a result, my dates end up being pretty platonic evenings that are usually enjoyable with fun conversations, but end up going nowhere. Most dates I can take or leave, but every so often I'll come across someone who I find to be very interesting and attractive but I just can't land a second date with them and I put it down to my anxiety.

 

I've been toying with the idea of mentioning my social anxiety. I feel that I try to hide it on my dates, a "fake it till you make it" strategy. But I think it's easy to see through. I feel that sometimes when the question comes up "why are you still single," or something else organic, I feel like if I just say I was a late bloomer, I've struggled with anxiety and found it tough to come out of my shell, it might give me freedom. If I stop trying to fake or hide something maybe I'll be more comfortable, and maybe I can be a more honest and open version of myself.

 

What do you guys think? Is this something I should share on a first date? Or should I carry on my routine, or try something else?

 

Thank You

Edited November 24, 2018 by frankspeci

[Gold22]

No I don't think you need to bring it up on the 1st date. It will come out naturally between 4 and 6 dates.

[Veronica73]

No, I don’t think that is something you should share on a first date.

 

Also...I think maybe there is possibly more work you could be doing. So you don’t get so freaked out when you are on a date with a girl you really like. Or maybe take a lorazepam or beta blocker or something? I don’t know...that’s not something I have ever done. But my therapist has mentioned it as a possibility because I tend to get overly anxious at job interviews and totally blow them.

[losangelena]

I don’t think you need to talk about it on date one, unless it comes up, but whenever you mention it, I don’t think it has to be some big pronouncement. Can you find a way to announce it in a matter-of-fact way?

 

My ex had hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) in his hands, and it was particularly pronounced on our first few dates because he was nervous. He had a hankerchief he used to dry them off, and he noticed that I noticed that he kept using it. He just kind of shrugged and said, “oh my hands sweat a lot,” very matter of fact. He didn’t make a big deal about it, and because he didn’t, I didn’t either. It was just something about him. Try to make your social anxiety another facet of yourself, instead of this burden you’re working so hard to overcome, and chances are it won’t land with such a thud.

[Gretchen12]

Yes you should just tell your date. It makes you more interesting. What have you got to lose? She'll find out sooner or later. If she was going to reject you for it, telling her early is better.

[Sarah_Smiles]

If it was me I would only bring it up to whomever I was with if I felt it rearing up on me while I was out with them and would be worried they noticed my change in demeanor, behavior and thought it was off something they had done, or they personally were making me feel awkward. Otherwise, if all is going well, you can always wait to bring it up when you are both more acquainted with each other.

[Rockett]

I've had two guys in the last few months tell me they had anxiety on a second date. Looking back, they probably wondered the same thing as you are wondering- how soon is too soon, and how to tell someone in a matter of fact way that doesn't detract from their image of you.

 

 

 

The first guy came across very anxious and uncomfortable, to the point where I wondered if he even wanted to be out with me. He then told me he had issues with anxiety, and that helped me understand. The problem was that he didn't manage his anxiety to the point where things could develop naturally between us- I liked him, but he was too persistent (seemed to come from anxiety rather than the natural build-up of excitement), and it wasn't right for me.

 

 

 

The second guy I'm now in a relationship with. He told me on our first or second date (can't remember) that he had anxiety. It has affected our relationship some (everyone has 'stuff'), but we talk about it openly and honestly, and knowing that he's doing everything he can to be his best for me, means a lot.

 

 

 

My advice would be to be honest with your dates when it feels like an appropriate time. You sound like you are doing a lot to manage your anxiety, and telling her in a matter of fact way (as an aside, one aspect of you) will likely be reassuring. Maybe wait until something comes up (when something awkward or unexpected happens) so it is more of an explanation rather than a conversational centerpiece. You want her to focus on getting to know the other 99% of you, after all! I think it's healthy when people recognize their challenges and work on them. If there is mutual attraction, she should be willing to work with you.

[d0nnivain]

Your date is not your therapist nor is that person your confessor. You always need to put your best foot forward & not show weakness or flaws.

 

If something goes wrong you can make a self deprecating joke at your own expense to ease the tension but in general no do not bring up your social anxiety.

 

Work with your therapist to develop coping mechanisms for this eventuality.

 

If you are asked why you are single do 2 things 1). assume the person asking you is a jerk with no boundaries because it's a horrible, rude question that should never be asked on a 1st date and 2). give the answer you suggested: "I was a late bloomer, I've struggled with anxiety and found it tough to come out of my shell." If somebody rotten enough to ask the Q in the 1st place walks away from you, well good riddance.

Edited November 24, 2018 by d0nnivain

[Mrs._December]

Yes you should just tell your date. It makes you more interesting. What have you got to lose? She'll find out sooner or later. If she was going to reject you for it, telling her early is better.

I wouldn't find this 'interesting' in the least. I'd see it as baggage and I'd immediately be thinking that I don't want to take on a fixer-upper.

 

Keep this information to yourself on your first few dates. Seriously.

[smackie9]

Telling them about your anxiety will not help your situation. You need to go back to your therapist for more help. Medication or an exercise to trick your brain is your answer. You just need a little more time to work on this is all. I understand you are on the home stretch and it's been 3 years but I assure you it will pay off. Have some more patience.

 

 

And for the record, just because a date goes swimmingly doesn't mean they are attracted to you. Ya ya you always want to know why, but most of the time they just don't feel it. I know I can get along like gangbusters with a guy, but not feel any attraction, so you can't use that as a guarantee for a second date. Even people who don't have anxiety have a hell of a time getting a second date. The boards are full of disappointed people who fail at online dated etc.....so it isn't all about your anxiety. Dating will have it's challenges no matter who you are.

 

 

It only takes one to be a match, she's out there.

[frankspeci]

Thank you all for your responses. It appears the consensus is only bring it up on the first date if its apparent that I've gotten some kind of anxiety flare up. And then dont make a big deal about it. Try to move on.

 

I'll try that. I typically dont mention it even if its happening. But maybe temporariy acknowledging it will make things less awkward.

 

I'm just trying to escape the failed first date outcome when I get an anxiety flare up. Once I'm more comfortable with someone it's a bit easier to relax, but I usually dont get that opportunity with people I'm meeting for the first time and feel attracted to. I'm more prone to getting nervous and sweating and theres typically no coming back from that.

[frankspeci]

Telling them about your anxiety will not help your situation. You need to go back to your therapist for more help. Medication or an exercise to trick your brain is your answer. You just need a little more time to work on this is all. I understand you are on the home stretch and it's been 3 years but I assure you it will pay off. Have some more patience.

 

 

And for the record, just because a date goes swimmingly doesn't mean they are attracted to you. Ya ya you always want to know why, but most of the time they just don't feel it. I know I can get along like gangbusters with a guy, but not feel any attraction, so you can't use that as a guarantee for a second date. Even people who don't have anxiety have a hell of a time getting a second date. The boards are full of disappointed people who fail at online dated etc.....so it isn't all about your anxiety. Dating will have it's challenges no matter who you are.

 

 

It only takes one to be a match, she's out there.

 

Thanks. Yes. Im still doing therapy and meditation and research and practice. Decided not to take medication early on but I'm always reconsidering.

 

Have had great dates with no anxiety that didnt result in a second date and some that did, but theres definitely also a correlation between anxiety and no second date as well.

[Gretchen12]

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a sin, not STD, not drug addiction, it's not even tax evasion. Kind of funny you used the word "confess"? You worry too much...

[smackie9]

I know medication has different results depending on the person, some negative, but it's worth a try maybe something in a small dose to see if that gets you where you need to be.

[losangelena]

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a sin, not STD, not drug addiction, it's not even tax evasion. Kind of funny you used the word "confess"? You worry too much...

 

My thoughts exactly. There’s a pretty wide gap between how you see your social anxiety and how others see it. It’s like people who have bad teeth or a big nose—their self-consciousness around it makes it a big deal, when really few notice, and even fewer make a big deal of it. I have a “beauty mark” on my face; it’s been there forever, and I rarely even think about it. Babies and kids will point it out or want to touch it or ask what it is, but thankfully adults have never.

[frankspeci]

My thoughts exactly. There’s a pretty wide gap between how you see your social anxiety and how others see it. It’s like people who have bad teeth or a big nose—their self-consciousness around it makes it a big deal, when really few notice, and even fewer make a big deal of it. I have a “beauty mark” on my face; it’s been there forever, and I rarely even think about it. Babies and kids will point it out or want to touch it or ask what it is, but thankfully adults have never.

 

Well having now gone on numerous dates and outings in general the first impression reaction varies. I've had people tell me it's literally the first thing they've noticed about me. I've had people tell me they had no idea and that I seemed perfectly fine.

 

I try not to draw attention to it in general but every so often I stop and make an assessment of my progress, like with this thread, and that's where I consciously think about it.

 

@Gretchen12 Thanks. Yes it's tough to remember that even though I feel like it can be a bit of a deterrent, it's not really a crime to have anxiety.

[preraph]

No. You're asking her to enable you. You just need to keep working on it (and bravo that you've done so much work to date) until it's not a problem and then you can date successfully. Meanwhile, I guess it's just practice for you and you should keep doing it. Believe me, if you're that socially awkward, they already know, but don't try to get absolution from them for it. Change.