Admitted to past cheating

[Inlovenotinlove]

I thought i was okay with this but lately ive felt like i might of let it go too easily.

 

Basically i asked my partner whether she had ever cheated. She admitted once. She was with her ex for 4 years, she didnt trust him, said he was getting texts from girls and eventually she decided to go travelling. While away for a month she started to have feelings for someone else and slept with him. Anyway 2 - 3 days later (im unclear how long after the night it was) her and her bf exchanged emails and broke up. She never admitted to him she had cheated.

 

Now the positive side of me says she was 21, gone travelling, in an unhappy relationship and i guess you could expect someome to cheat in that situation. She also has said she wishes she'd told him as it played on her mind. They did also end rather than her carrying it on

 

My problem is when i asked what happened after she said 'i went a little crazy too much drinking, parties Etc etc. Shes not had a bf since. 6 years later she is with me. She said she didnt want a relationship after her ex as was studying for a new job and getting her life in order beforehand.

 

Now my main worry is it didnt sound like she felt bad for cheating, so i asked her if shed do it again an she said 'i couldnt do that to someone i love' so again im in 2 minds as to me it wasnt the best answer, part of me takes that as 'i would do it again yes if times got hard' & part of me reads it as her just explaining why she did it to her ex. I like that she was honest with me but it has got to me a bit. Id kind of hope to hear 'id never do it again i felt awful' kimd of answer, not 'i couldnt doit if i was in love with them'.

 

Also, to make things worse she kept a diary of her travels and as she was showing me parts i noticed a line that read 'i decided to have a ****the bf week this week and its turned into a ****the bf forever week' i never admitted to seeing it but that also really got to me that she wrote about it like some bragging right. I know she was 21 and shes older now. She has said to me that if things ever got tough with me she'd speak with me and never cheat or think along those lines. Shes not given me any indication she'd cheat on me. Should i bring thjs up again to reassure myself and admit i saw the diary or just swallow it and trust her until the present her gives me a reason not too? Just to add we are brilliant togethet so its annoying me that this is bothering me so much. Ive never cheated on anyone so not sure how id react if i had and someome asked me woukd i do it again.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Inlovenotinlove

[smackie9]

You are overreacting....don't let your anxiety (you have this tendency?) mess with your head. I see nothing to be alarmed about.

 

 

 

Stop asking asking and stop looking at her past. Obviously you can't handle it.

 

 

From 21 to 27...that's a big gap where a lot of growing up happens.

[Inlovenotinlove]

You are overreacting....don't let your anxiety (you have this tendency?) mess with your head. I see nothing to be alarmed about.

 

 

 

Stop asking asking and stop looking at her past. Obviously you can't handle it.

 

 

From 21 to 27...that's a big gap where a lot of growing up happens.

 

The only anxiety i have was the answer which kind of implied it could happen again if she didnt feel in love. Relationships have ups and downs, id not like to think if we had a bad week or month where she felt angry or annoyed at the relationship it could be something that happened again although i also know you cant be certain of that not happening with a monogamous person either in truth. Maybe i am just over reacting and id hate to tarnish a good relationship by picking at something shes chosen to be honest with me about or she may choose to not be honest on subjects further down the line.

[Notsurewhat83]

In all honesty I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. 21 is still incredibley young and if cheating has taught her that talking is a better option which shes suggested to you then it sounds like she learned her lesson.

 

Id also say to me trusting a past cheat is hard but age and whether they told you or you heard it from someone else is a huge factor and shes done the right thing on both counts, she was young and she has admitted it to you, im guessing she told you straight away also withoit any digging from yourself? If she admitted it straight away to me that shows maturity and shows she isnt one to hide things even if theyre hard to hear, which is a good trait to have.

 

Id personally trust her and brush it off that she was young, in a foreign country, unhappy and needed an out. Yes cheating is wrong, id not date a past cheat, but one who did it at 21, admitted it to you straight away and gave you any detail you asked for? Yes, id trust her until she gave me a reason not too.

 

My final note would be that if she was considering cheating again would she have told you shes cheated before? Most serial cheats i know of wouldnt admit to past mistakes.

[d0nnivain]

Her timing was off by 2-3 DAYS. She didn't carry on a long term affair. Her non disclosure was simply not rubbing salt in his wounds. Him knowing she'd been with somebody else, would have changed nothing.

 

If she broke up with the BF & then had a wild time would you still be so upset? I suspect the answer is yes.

 

In her shoes, knowing the relationship was over, I wouldn't feel all that terrible about "cheating" by 2-3 days. 7 years later & wiser I probably would have dumped my cheating BF before going traveling but maturity leads to wisdom.

[Inlovenotinlove]

In all honesty I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. 21 is still incredibley young and if cheating has taught her that talking is a better option which shes suggested to you then it sounds like she learned her lesson.

 

Id also say to me trusting a past cheat is hard but age and whether they told you or you heard it from someone else is a huge factor and shes done the right thing on both counts, she was young and she has admitted it to you, im guessing she told you straight away also withoit any digging from yourself? If she admitted it straight away to me that shows maturity and shows she isnt one to hide things even if theyre hard to hear, which is a good trait to have.

 

Id personally trust her and brush it off that she was young, in a foreign country, unhappy and needed an out. Yes cheating is wrong, id not date a past cheat, but one who did it at 21, admitted it to you straight away and gave you any detail you asked for? Yes, id trust her until she gave me a reason not too.

 

My final note would be that if she was considering cheating again would she have told you shes cheated before? Most serial cheats i know of wouldnt admit to past mistakes.

 

Yes she told me immediatley. We watched a film and the guy had an affair, she said "youd better never do that to me" so i asked if she ever had and then she immendiatley told me the truth and said shed talk to me if the relationship got bad before a thing like that ever happened again. I'll let it go, thanks for the replies. I do think if it happened recently id be different but i did feel like 6 years is a long time.

[Inlovenotinlove]

Her timing was off by 2-3 DAYS. She didn't carry on a long term affair. Her non disclosure was simply not rubbing salt in his wounds. Him knowing she'd been with somebody else, would have changed nothing.

 

If she broke up with the BF & then had a wild time would you still be so upset? I suspect the answer is yes.

 

In her shoes, knowing the relationship was over, I wouldn't feel all that terrible about "cheating" by 2-3 days. 7 years later & wiser I probably would have dumped my cheating BF before going traveling but maturity leads to wisdom.

 

Thats a really good way to look at it, would i still be bothered if they broke up and she went wild... yes i probably still would be bothered as i dont want to hear or imagine her in bed with other people so maybe it isnt the cheating its more about not liking hearing about her past. Guess the lesson is leave it as past and concentrate on her now. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

Guess the lesson is leave it as past and concentrate on her now. Thank you.

 

Exactly!

 

 

10 characters.

[olivetree]

I can understand your concern.

Fidelity and trust are very important in a relationship.

 

Pros:

• She was young.
  
• They broke up a few days later.
  
• She wishes she told him (does she really though? - easy to say that later)
  

 

Cons:

• She never said she wouldn't do it again because that's not the kind of person she wants to be, etc.
  
• She didn't suffer any consequences for her actions.
  
• She hasn't had any relationships in between to prove that she has changed.
  
• She said she would talk to you before things go to that point - shouldn't they just never get to that point no matter what?
  

 

This sounds like a somewhat new relationship so time will tell how you both handle things once the honeymoon ends.

 

I don't have any real answers except you either try to trust her and carry on or you decide it's too much and you don't.

[smackie9]

TBH I wouldn't trust someone that said "I would never do that again" that's projecting guilt. Them volunteering to assure you, is what cheaters usually do.

 

 

 

Anywho, we get thread upon thread about this and the majority are guys complaining about their GF's past. If it taints your prospective, it probably will never go away. Don't stick around if you can't handle it...it's not fair to her.

[fromheart]

The easy answer, if she loves you and goes off traveling/partying you have nothing to worry about. If you've hit a rocky place, yes she may go off with someone.

 

I spent many years traveling, when I met a girl who had difficulties with a BF back home, it was only a matter of time before she hit on me. (No, I didn't indulge)

 

However, she may have never cheated on anyone before, but ends up cheating on you. She may be cheating on you right now.

 

Or, this is her past and you can choose to simply be with her in the present. Fact is, you don't know what the future holds. Just try to relax a little, you shouldn't be looking at her diary or sexual history, unless its something you both enjoy if your know what I'm saying.

 

Otherwise, just let the past go. You only get the present.