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My boyfriend stays out late drinking


PoppyP

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Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post and I guess I just want some advice from those in a similar position to me.

 

My boyfriend will go every few weeks with his friends and stay out late with little contact. While I love to see him happy and meeting up with his friends, I find the same situation occurring and I don't know how to improve it. I am generally an anxious over thinker but i am learning to minimise that. I do have some trust issues and I have come across photos on his phone of other women (some porn or model shots but also regular girls and even a friend of mine from Facebook, but we are learning to get over that and he has apologised and we have attended counselling), so it does bother me when he is out late.

 

He will generally go out to meet friends and text early in the night to say hello etc. I will say good night and have fun and he usually says he will be home by X time. I dont expect a full conversation just a goodnight text. On numerous occasions he has said he will be home by 1am for example and then he will be much later (last night 4am on a school night for example). I wake up a round 2am and will text or call, sometimes to no answer. i have asked him before to send just one message to say he will be home later than expected, but he never does this.

 

I don't want to be controlling it stop him having fun with his friends but I find it so difficult as I get really angry and upset and cannot sleep. I have called sick to work twice as a result,

What bothers me is why he knows one simple text will keep me happy but he can't do this.

 

Is it acceptable to insist on this or is that controlling behaviour? I just want us to be happy and not to have to worry. I don't think that he is cheating but it certainly crosses my mind at the early hours of the morning, when I don't hear from him and he comes home drunk in early hours - particularly as his friends are single and those in relationships have been known to cheat. I know that doesn't mean he will. I just worry.

 

I feel like I'm pushing him away as he says I constantly nag him or get on his case when he goes out with friends.

 

How do I make us both happy?

 

Thank you :D

 

PoppyP

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Your BF is not yet a grown up. He values his party time & doesn't want to be held to a schedule.

 

Unless you share children, if the relationship is such a mess that you require couples therapy, it's more trouble then it's worth.

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Your BF is not yet a grown up. He values his party time & doesn't want to be held to a schedule.

 

Unless you share children, if the relationship is such a mess that you require couples therapy, it's more trouble then it's worth.

 

Thank you for your reply, I am wondering the same thing..

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I do have some trust issues and I have come across photos on his phone of other women (some porn or model shots but also regular girls and even a friend of mine from Facebook, but we are learning to get over that and he has apologised and we have attended counselling), so it does bother me when he is out late.

 

 

There is no need to go to counselling to solve this.

Get rid asap.

He is not bf material and I would not be surprised if he is in fact cheating, no wonder you are anxious - perfectly normal reaction.

Lose the bf, stop the counselling, anxiety cured.

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You are out of control.

 

If you don't get your act together he will eventually give you the boot which will probably come after a big explosion of "drama" instigated by you.

 

Now, I don't drink alcohol at all ever, under any circumstances,...so I have a bias against his drinking/partying. However, I can put my bias aside, and from what you described I don't see anything wrong here on his part. Do you really expect him to be "out with the guys" and then say that he has to get home by 1am and not be a minute late or he's in trouble with you, and that he also has to text you to let you know he is on the way? You clearly don't know guys very well. His buddies would laugh him out of the room and they would be calling him "pussy-whiped" every time they see him.

 

The more you hassle him about it the more he will want to be away from you and the later he will stay out. I suspect there is a lot more going on here and that you have been really wearing on him more than what is revealed here. You also said this was maybe once or twice a month,...well that isn't squat!! Now if this was every weekend or every few nights, then yea, I'd be concerned,...but it is not.

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He has friends that cheat...you choose your friends right? well he chooses to hang out with these guys, so that speaks volumes. He finds it acceptable his friends behave that way. I agree he has some growing up to do.

 

 

 

You don't need couples counseling to know you two are not compatible....I can see it from here. kick him to the curb.

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There is no need to go to counselling to solve this.

Get rid asap.

He is not bf material and I would not be surprised if he is in fact cheating, no wonder you are anxious - perfectly normal reaction.

Lose the bf, stop the counselling, anxiety cured.

 

I agree. Given his history, the friends he hangs with, and the fact that he does not answer a text from you at 1am, I'd assume the worst as well.

 

The best cure for your anxiety is to dump him.

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You are out of control.

 

If you don't get your act together he will eventually give you the boot which will probably come after a big explosion of "drama" instigated by you.

 

Now, I don't drink alcohol at all ever, under any circumstances,...so I have a bias against his drinking/partying. However, I can put my bias aside, and from what you described I don't see anything wrong here on his part. Do you really expect him to be "out with the guys" and then say that he has to get home by 1am and not be a minute late or he's in trouble with you, and that he also has to text you to let you know he is on the way? You clearly don't know guys very well. His buddies would laugh him out of the room and they would be calling him "pussy-whiped" every time they see him.

 

The more you hassle him about it the more he will want to be away from you and the later he will stay out. I suspect there is a lot more going on here and that you have been really wearing on him more than what is revealed here. You also said this was maybe once or twice a month,...well that isn't squat!! Now if this was every weekend or every few nights, then yea, I'd be concerned,...but it is not.

 

PRW I feel your reply is very harsh and not understanding at all. I am not asking him to come home at a particular time at all, I am simply asking that he sends a message to let me know he will be later (than the time HE set) so I know he is ok and I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to him not there and no communication. This matters when you care about someone.

 

And yes, there is more going on. I have on several occasions seen photos of naked and soft porn images on his phone and downloaded photos of my friend from FB the night after he met her with me in the pub. He also had taken photos of women's bums without their knowledge on a constant basis, randomly in public and described it as almost a compulsion, which he promised he knocked on the head after i found out. So forgive me if i worry. This is why we attended counselling and he promised to make changes to make things better and repair the problems. If you know how any women feels you would know that wouldn't make them feel good.

 

So i think a text if he is staying out later than expected, isn't too much to ask. Thanks for your input.

 

P

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Your request is not unreasonable, per se. However, in a dating relationship, I'd feel like my partner was trying to control me by asking about my whereabouts. You mention something about "school night" so I'm assuming you are young. In college I'd never ask somebody to check in like that & I'd bail if somebody asked me that stuff.

 

As for the pictures on his phone, he won't get rid of them & porn is everywhere. I could get past commercial pictures of people he didn't know. I would not stay with a man who routinely viewed photos of women he knows & especially not of women I know.

 

All in all this adds up to incompatibility but you do need to get a handle on your anxiety. If you don't you won't be able to sustain an relationship. Skip the couple's counseling & try IC

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Your request is not unreasonable, per se. However, in a dating relationship, I'd feel like my partner was trying to control me by asking about my whereabouts. You mention something about "school night" so I'm assuming you are young. In college I'd never ask somebody to check in like that & I'd bail if somebody asked me that stuff.

 

As for the pictures on his phone, he won't get rid of them & porn is everywhere. I could get past commercial pictures of people he didn't know. I would not stay with a man who routinely viewed photos of women he knows & especially not of women I know.

 

All in all this adds up to incompatibility but you do need to get a handle on your anxiety. If you don't you won't be able to sustain an relationship. Skip the couple's counseling & try IC

 

Thank you. I agree and have had counselling alone on many occasions. I will look into more. No, I guess it's just a term I use but we are both working professionals. I am 34 and he is 32. He drives a van and I think on top of all this it is irresponsible to be out drinking until 4am and getting up at 7am to drive a van for work.

 

I guess it's not his whereabouts, I don't care where he is.. but just a text or call to say he will be home late especially as we have argued over this on numerous occasions and I feel he isn't respecting my feelings. I do so much for him and always think if him and I feel one little text isn't much to ask.

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And yes, there is more going on. I have on several occasions seen photos of naked and soft porn images on his phone and downloaded photos of my friend from FB the night after he met her with me in the pub. He also had taken photos of women's bums without their knowledge on a constant basis, randomly in public and described it as almost a compulsion, which he promised he knocked on the head after i found out. So forgive me if i worry. This is why we attended counselling and he promised to make changes to make things better and repair the problems. If you know how any women feels you would know that wouldn't make them feel good.

 

So i think a text if he is staying out later than expected, isn't too much to ask. Thanks for your input.

 

P

 

Yeah, more than likely he is cheating or going to far with the girls he meets while out with his boys. I don't understand though, if you know he is getting home really late calling him at 3am to check up is way too much. If he were sleep you would awaken him. If you have someone you have to keep check on they aren't the person for you.

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No, your requests would not be considered unreasonable, if you were dating a mature man who treated you with respect and consideration.

 

Unfortunately, you are dating a man who has not grown up yet, has issues with alcohol, hangs out with questionable friends, and has poor boundaries (related to the photos of your friend you found on his phone). This can’t be solved with counselling, only with time and maturity (and sometimes, not even then;)).

 

Bottom line - he has a right to do as he wishes, to go out with whoever he chooses, and stay out as late as he wants to stay out... If you don’t like the decisions he is making, your best decision is to leave. Sorry. :(

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Yeah, more than likely he is cheating or going to far with the girls he meets while out with his boys. I don't understand though, if you know he is getting home really late calling him at 3am to check up is way too much. If he were sleep you would awaken him. If you have someone you have to keep check on they aren't the person for you.

 

Sorry I should have said we live together. I guess I just get overwhelmed and need the reassurance that he will be home. I can't sleep otherwise. I only call if he doesn't read or reply my message for a long time. I know, it's not great.

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Sorry I should have said we live together. I guess I just get overwhelmed and need the reassurance that he will be home. I can't sleep otherwise. I only call if he doesn't read or reply my message for a long time. I know, it's not great.

 

If you are home, and your boyfriend is partying out late with his friends, you have every right to know where he is and what time you can expect him home. It’s common courtesy - the respect you give your partner in a relationship.

 

Don’t ever apologize for this... what you are asking for is not unreasonable. It’s common courtesy that he tell you when he will be home and/or answer his phone if it is late and you are trying to reach him.

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If you are home, and your boyfriend is partying out late with his friends, you have every right to know where he is and what time you can expect him home. It’s common courtesy - the respect you give your partner in a relationship.

 

Don’t ever apologize for this... what you are asking for is not unreasonable. It’s common courtesy that he tell you when he will be home and/or answer his phone if it is late and you are trying to reach him.

 

Thank you BaileyB. I appreciate your kind words.

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PRW I feel your reply is very harsh and not understanding at all.

If he was the one writing in, I'm sure he wouldn't like what I tell him either. He would get his share.

 

I am not asking him to come home at a particular time at all, I am simply asking that he sends a message to let me know he will be later (than the time HE set) so I know he is ok and I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to him not there and no communication. This matters when you care about someone.
I wouldn't enjoy being in that position either. But I can't do anything about his behavor, and I can't talk to him. He did not write in to us. I can only address your reaction to him, you are the only one I can talk to.

 

He also had taken photos of women's bums without their knowledge on a constant basis, randomly in public and described it as almost a compulsion, which he promised he knocked on the head after i found out.
You didn't mention this in the previous message. This is a more serious thing. But I can't deal with him. I can only deal with your side of it.

 

So i think a text if he is staying out later than expected, isn't too much to ask.
If that was the only thing we were talking about, then I agree.

 

I personally think that in the long run this relationship is going to fail. But I make it a point to not tell someone explicitly to either break up or stay together,...that is their choice, not mine. But you need to be thinking about that. You are the one that makes the choices in who you are with. You two are in counseling, so give that time and see where it goes. Writing into this forum may not be the best thing to do if you are in counseling,...the Counselor may even see it as something competing with them or at least getting in the way of what they want to do. Their job is to try to find a way to make everything "work" [somehow],...we here in this forum are likely to get in the way of that.

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And yes, there is more going on. I have on several occasions seen photos of naked and soft porn images on his phone and downloaded photos of my friend from FB the night after he met her with me in the pub. He also had taken photos of women's bums without their knowledge on a constant basis, randomly in public and described it as almost a compulsion, which he promised he knocked on the head after i found out.

Why did you pick a man like this to give your love to? He's a pervert, an immature pervert who values naked women and drinking buddies more than he values you and your relationship. This will never work, end it now. Learn how to pick 'good men', easy! you never have to tell a good man how to respect you, it comes to him naturally.

 

 

 

This man treats you as a room-mate, you're convenient to him, taking this to counseling is ridiculous. He needs to mature and it may take years before he understands. Let him go figure himself out.

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I'm a guy like your boyfriend. I love hanging out with my buddies at bars or do something fun Friday and Saturday night.

 

If I have a girlfriend, this dosen't change .. I'll just have to make time for both my girlfriend and my buddies.

 

I had a girlfriend that would always get mad when I went out and didn't tell her when I'd be back.

She wouldn't tell me directly, but I could tell from her short texts, short phone convos and short responses the day after.

 

I got soooo tired of her naging on this that I broke up with her (of course there were other she-had-to-controll-me-reasons aswell).

 

If your boyfriend likes to hang out with hid buddies at a bar, let him, it's one of his things.

No he dosen't always know when he'll be home, nor should he, he's having a good time not worrying about the damn clock!

 

So if you wanna stay in and do your thing, please do. And go to bed and SLEEP and stop being mad because he's having fun.

 

I'd ask him to be quiet when he gets home, so he don't wake you though.

 

Good luck.

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Why did you pick a man like this to give your love to? He's a pervert, an immature pervert who values naked women and drinking buddies more than he values you and your relationship. This will never work, end it now. Learn how to pick 'good men', easy! you never have to tell a good man how to respect you, it comes to him naturally.

 

 

 

This man treats you as a room-mate, you're convenient to him, taking this to counseling is ridiculous. He needs to mature and it may take years before he understands. Let him go figure himself out.

 

I suppose Gaeta because he was wonderful and polite and generous and kind when we met and I didnt imagine I would uncover the above. It's too late now that I love him and can't seem to walk away.

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{snip} If your boyfriend likes to hang out with hid buddies at a bar, let him, it's one of his things.

No he dosen't always know when he'll be home, nor should he, he's having a good time not worrying about the damn clock!

 

So if you wanna stay in and do your thing, please do. And go to bed and SLEEP and stop being mad because he's having fun.

 

I'd ask him to be quiet when he gets home, so he don't wake you though.

 

Good luck.

 

Hi there, I respect all that as I like to do the same. It is easy to say "go to sleep" when my mind won't. If your partner knew that this really bothers you I think it's kindness to take 30 second to message that one will be late son I can sleep soundly and get up for work the next morning without being exhausted.

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I suppose Gaeta because he was wonderful and polite and generous and kind when we met and I didnt imagine I would uncover the above. It's too late now that I love him and can't seem to walk away.

 

 

To late?? So you will live a life of misery for the rest of your life because you 'love' him? You do know you can un-love someone right? You do know you are 100% responsible for what you bring into your life, right?

 

 

 

This guy was sweet to you at first to win you over, they all do that, men & women. It's after the honeymoon phase that you start seeing their real face. You are not married, you have no kids together that you've talked about, you are 100% free to leave this joke of a man behind and start fresh with someone more mature, more respectful, a man with more 'togetherness' and a man that is done with his buddies, drinking, and taking naked pictures.

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I suppose Gaeta because he was wonderful and polite and generous and kind when we met and I didnt imagine I would uncover the above. It's too late now that I love him and can't seem to walk away.

 

Oh no, that is total BS. If you discover that the man you are dating is sexually or physically abusive, you don’t say “It’s too late. I love him now and I can’t walk away...” That’s not an answer from a woman who has any kind of self respect.

 

You are dating a man who is a sexual predator. The time to leave is now, not when his behavior escalates and you are married, with two kids, and you are financially depdneantbon him.

 

If I was you, I would ask for my money back from that Counsellor. She did you a real disservice by allowing you believe that this could be fixed. She should have told you to run...

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man that is done with his buddies, drinking, and taking naked pictures.

 

The voyeur pics I have a really big concern over. She didn't mention them till later. That greatly changed my perspective of him.

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Sorry I should have said we live together. I guess I just get overwhelmed and need the reassurance that he will be home. I can't sleep otherwise. I only call if he doesn't read or reply my message for a long time. I know, it's not great.

 

If you live together & he knows you don't sleep well when he's out, then he's just irresponsible & uncaring. Sorry but that is the truth. When you are in a committed relationship your work to minimize the other's distress. Here he's the cause. Think about that.

 

It's too late now that I love him and can't seem to walk away.

 

It's never too late. He's not acting like the caring BF you fell for. He may have an alcohol problem if he's staying out until 4 then driving at 7. That's reckless. When you are sick of being treated like someone who doesn't matter you will walk. Now you still think you can change him & make him into the responsible good BF you want.

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To late?? So you will live a life of misery for the rest of your life because you 'love' him? You do know you can un-love someone right? You do know you are 100% responsible for what you bring into your life, right?

 

 

 

This guy was sweet to you at first to win you over, they all do that, men & women. It's after the honeymoon phase that you start seeing their real face. You are not married, you have no kids together that you've talked about, you are 100% free to leave this joke of a man behind and start fresh with someone more mature, more respectful, a man with more 'togetherness' and a man that is done with his buddies, drinking, and taking naked pictures.

 

A man that is done with his buddies? You can't expect your boyfriend to dump his friends for you? If so, that's not healthy!

 

A man that is done with drinking? I knew there were a minimum age for drinking, but not a maximum age?

 

Taking naked pictures I'd have to agree on. BUT do not think every guy out there takes naked pictures, or even have them on their phones. Some are pervs.

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