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Year-long on/off "thing" is driving me INSANE...time to end it? ****Updated****


sunnyd00

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Where do I even begin with this...I'll try to keep it as short as I can while telling the whole story!

 

This guy "P" and I have known each other for 10+ years.. starting out as coworkers. He asked me out about 5 years ago, I declined as I was moving out of the country in a month and at the time had no interest in him. I moved away, we were never close so didn't stay in touch, he got into a 4-year relationship with someone else, I moved back and got hired back at the same company where he still also worked. At this point he was newly single and we flirted for several months before finally leaving the holiday office party together and hooking up. That was the start of it all.

 

We hit it off like a house on fire, he said all the right things, I grew attached very quickly...he was a GREAT guy, cooking for me, sweet, attentive, interested in my life, spent NYE together. I thought it had great potential to go somewhere after knowing each other so long.... then it all came crashing down one night while he was at my place, we were post-sex cuddling and he pulled out his phone and texted someone while on the couch next to me.. a woman, making plans to meet up that week. We were only about a month into things so never had the "what are we" convo... so he left that night while I was annoyed he'd basically set up a bootycall while sitting right next to me, and I texted him asking if he had something else going on... he said yes, he'd been on a few dates recently. I felt like a complete fool thinking he gave any **** about me, so cut it off right then saying I don't "share", I was disappointed, and if this wasn't going anywhere, that was that. He said he couldn't see it going anywhere because we work together. Cool.

 

Fast forward through a lot of bull****... he dated this girl for 6 months while still insisting on being friends with me and I stupidly obliged. We went for beers still, he still texted me every day, I continued to feel attached because I just never cut it off when I should have, even though we were no longer sleeping together. We had a lot of arguments but always came through it and got pretty close as friends.

 

Fast forward some more.. he breaks up with her and we match on Tinder over the summer. We joked around, he invited me over that night, we resume hooking up all over again. I guess at this point it's been a FWB situation.. I refuse to bring up the relationship thing with him because I figure he would have by now and he told me flat out "if we didn't work together.." And, at this point...I'm fine with casual as long as he is completely honest with me about if he is hooking up with anyone else. He said he would be.

 

To the point, here we are 4 months later on an agreed FWB, a few disagreements about boundaries and ending it/starting it a couple times... but we're still on currently BUT... I just feel he is lying about other women. It's the only thing I asked of him, to tell me. In these 4 months, we've had sex THREE times. Yep. I know. What guy has a no-strings-attached agreement with a woman and only has sex 3 times in 4 months??

 

He is OBVIOUSLY getting it elsewhere and I have asked numerous times to the point he's getting annoyed now and I get the same old "there is no one else.. I told you I will tell you." When we are together, it is GREAT.. he continues to cook for me, we hook up and spend hours into the night laughing and cuddling and he has me sleepover where we cuddle more and he kisses me goodbye. He is AMAZING when we are together. As soon as we have a great time though, he ****s off... doesn't message me for days until I finally get annoyed and messaged him asking if something is wrong.

 

I just know there's something else... why would we only hook up honestly like once a month, hardly? He's lying isn't he? I guess I came to get advice on what to do.... I KNOW I want more from him but I'll never ask him. Or do I? Do I call it all off and walk away and hope he'll realize he wants something more? Or...is he attachment-avoidant or whatever and he will never change and I should walk away for good? Is he playing me?? UGH I'm so confused and just need to know how to handle this... ask him wtf is up after a YEAR of this, or the writing is on the wall.. he doesn't want anything with me and he's playing stupid games?

 

Thanks for reading all that nonsense!

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I just know there's something else... why would we only hook up honestly like once a month, hardly? He's lying isn't he? I guess I came to get advice on what to do.... I KNOW I want more from him but I'll never ask him. Or do I? Do I call it all off and walk away and hope he'll realize he wants something more? Or...is he attachment-avoidant or whatever and he will never change and I should walk away for good? Is he playing me?? UGH I'm so confused and just need to know how to handle this... ask him wtf is up after a YEAR of this, or the writing is on the wall.. he doesn't want anything with me and he's playing stupid games?

 

Thanks for reading all that nonsense!

 

He’s had opportunities to date you but he’s never chosen that path with you. You on the other hand continue to hide under the guise of FWB in hopes you may one day change his mind. All you’re doing is perpetuating pain and disappointment for yourself. What does it matter if he’s lying? You want a relationship and he wants a once a month booty call.

 

Guys like him can enjoy the moment and ooze charm but once they get what they want and you’re out of sight, they’re perfectly fine until it’s time for another fun hook-up.

 

Ask him point blank. Get your answer and allow that to help you decide how to move forward rather than placing your fate in his unreliable hands. You’re enabling behavior that continues to keep you in limbo.

 

And speaking from experience, once you get demoted to FWB, you never really go anywhere else from there especially when a guy has consistently kept you in that position.

Edited by Zahara
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Thank you for this. I guess I have stupidly tried to convince myself that because he got his heart smashed in his last relationship, he's just "scared" and waiting for ME to say something... but honestly, it's been more than obvious I have always wanted more from him.. he knows it. Working together is a dumb excuse on his part... we are everything but the label at this point, people know we hang out and are close etc. You're right.. I'll never let it go or stop making excuses for him until he I make him tell me to my face this will never go anywhere. I really need to walk away. It's been one-sided from the very beginning... it's just hard when we have our great nights and it SEEMS like he has feelings... but then he just disappears again every time. UGH.

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Thank you for this. I guess I have stupidly tried to convince myself that because he got his heart smashed in his last relationship, he's just "scared" and waiting for ME to say something... but honestly, it's been more than obvious I have always wanted more from him.. he knows it. Working together is a dumb excuse on his part... we are everything but the label at this point, people know we hang out and are close etc. You're right.. I'll never let it go or stop making excuses for him until he I make him tell me to my face this will never go anywhere. I really need to walk away. It's been one-sided from the very beginning... it's just hard when we have our great nights and it SEEMS like he has feelings... but then he just disappears again every time. UGH.

 

He was texting another woman while in bed with you so why do you think he would not be doing the same thing while being F buddies with you? He probably isn’t telling you if he’s with other women because the last time he did that, you cut it off. So why would he jeopardize a benefit?

 

Great nights are filled with fun, excitement and sex. Then it’s over. It’s a moment. He enjoys it for what it is and is able to compartmentalize without creating any kind of attachment. That is exactly what an FWB arrangement is. You on the other hand are confusing that arrangement with expectations of love and commitment.

 

If you want a relationship, then ask him where it stands. Personally, I don’t think he can give you what you want.

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He was texting another woman while in bed with you so why do you think he would not be doing the same thing while being F buddies with you? He probably isn’t telling you if he’s with other women because the last time he did that, you cut it off. So why would he jeopardize a benefit?

 

Great nights are filled with fun, excitement and sex. Then it’s over. It’s a moment. He enjoys it for what it is and is able to compartmentalize without creating any kind of attachment. That is exactly what an FWB arrangement is. You on the other hand are confusing that arrangement with expectations of love and commitment.

 

If you want a relationship, then ask him where it stands. Personally, I don’t think he can give you what you want.

 

I've thought that all along too... that this time he lies when I ask instead of saying "yeah I went on a few dates" because he knows I'll cut it off. Do I even bother asking for a relationship at this point? I know in my heart of hearts he doesn't want one so do I save my dignity or get my clarity? That's where I'm at right now.... And the thing is, without complete proof, I can't say "I know you're lying and there's someone else" because I don't know FOR SURE. Although only wanting sex with me once a month at best should be proof enough! There;s just NO way he isn't getting it somewhere else. The lying makes me sick even though I know as a FWB he's free to do what he wants.

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I've thought that all along too... that this time he lies when I ask instead of saying "yeah I went on a few dates" because he knows I'll cut it off. Do I even bother asking for a relationship at this point? I know in my heart of hearts he doesn't want one so do I save my dignity or get my clarity? That's where I'm at right now.... And the thing is, without complete proof, I can't say "I know you're lying and there's someone else" because I don't know FOR SURE. Although only wanting sex with me once a month at best should be proof enough! There;s just NO way he isn't getting it somewhere else. The lying makes me sick even though I know as a FWB he's free to do what he wants.

 

Personally, I wouldn’t ask. He’s had opportunities to date you but he’s always kept you in a sex only arrangement. Plus he’s given you the excuse that he can’t date you because you work together. You already know deep down inside he doesn’t want a relationship and your instincts are almost always right.

 

What does it matter if he’s lying? You’re focusing on irrelevance. If he’s lying, I assume you’d cut him off. If he isn’t lying, you’ll remain an FWB until someone comes along and catches his interest. Both are no win situations. You need to accept it for what it is rather than hope for what it could be.

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Personally, I wouldn’t ask. He’s had opportunities to date you but he’s always kept you in a sex only arrangement. Plus he’s given you the excuse that he can’t date you because you work together. You already know deep down inside he doesn’t want a relationship and your instincts are almost always right.

 

What does it matter if he’s lying? You’re focusing on irrelevance. If he’s lying, I assume you’d cut him off. If he isn’t lying, you’ll remain an FWB until someone comes along and catches his interest. Both are no win situations. You need to accept it for what it is rather than hope for what it could be.

 

Whoah.... lightbulb moment... when you put it that way, no win situation either way... so right. There is also so much in between bull**** I skipped writing about or it'd be a novel... just a lot of lies. I'd probably never trust him if we ever dated anyway. I've built this pseudo-situationship on my mind because of how we are when we do finally get together, and "oh..he won't let me go.. every time I call it off he comes back acting like he misses me..." I'm such an idiot.

 

I'm going to take the week to think of how to go about this then call it quits. I almost just want to ghost and go NC otherwise he'll think I"ll just come back like I always do. I need him to know I'm done.

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I think you need to focus on his character and use that as a motivator to walk away. You mention he lies a lot yet you want to pursue a relationship with him. This is where you need to work on having better standards and boundaries for yourself. Why are you getting caught up with moments when you should be paying attention to the red flags? Why are you wanting a man that is untrustworthy? Maybe this is an opportunity for you to figure yourself out and what it is you’re really seeking.

 

As for this guy, just tell him that things aren’t working out and that you are moving on. Then block and NC. No need to put much thought into it.

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He asked you out 5 years ago and you rejected it. Later you had sex with him and now you want a relationship. But he is the same person you rejected once, isn't he? You got attached because of oxitocin, and your feeling may now be love.

 

How old are you guys? If you knew him for about 10 years you should know pretty much about him, if he is a player etc...

 

Even if this is an FWB, he was texting another woman while being in bed with you and he has been very disrespectful to you. Why do you want this?

 

I don't know how a guy's mind work in these situations, why they send mixed signals etc. But by telling him what you feel will give you closure. However you need the strength to go 'No Contact' and completely cut him off from your life, even at work, if he doesn't want anything more. Don't accept vague answers like 'may be later', 'I am not ready yet', he will not change if he tells so.

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I think you need to focus on his character and use that as a motivator to walk away. You mention he lies a lot yet you want to pursue a relationship with him. This is where you need to work on having better standards and boundaries for yourself. Why are you getting caught up with moments when you should be paying attention to the red flags? Why are you wanting a man that is untrustworthy? Maybe this is an opportunity for you to figure yourself out and what it is you’re really seeking.

 

As for this guy, just tell him that things aren’t working out and that you are moving on. Then block and NC. No need to put much thought into it.

 

The trouble is that I work with him... so cutting off contact completely is impossible. In the past when we've fought and called things up, Ill ignore him for weeks then he just comes to my desk to see me...he sucks me in every damn time.

 

I think, I don't even want a relationship with him. I think it just drives me bat**** crazy that I can't have him...I don't know! The good moments are so far and few between that I am literally losing nothing by ending things with him. I mean, it's not like I'm losing an active sex life or anything... it's all on HIS terms and hardly happens...I'm losing nothing.

 

Thank you for the reality check!

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He asked you out 5 years ago and you rejected it. Later you had sex with him and now you want a relationship. But he is the same person you rejected once, isn't he? You got attached because of oxitocin, and your feeling may now be love.

 

How old are you guys? If you knew him for about 10 years you should know pretty much about him, if he is a player etc...

 

Even if this is an FWB, he was texting another woman while being in bed with you and he has been very disrespectful to you. Why do you want this?

 

I don't know how a guy's mind work in these situations, why they send mixed signals etc. But by telling him what you feel will give you closure. However you need the strength to go 'No Contact' and completely cut him off from your life, even at work, if he doesn't want anything more. Don't accept vague answers like 'may be later', 'I am not ready yet', he will not change if he tells so.

 

I did reject but I was moving away and we reconnected very quickly when I came back. We truthfully didn't really know each other that well until the past year.. we were coworkers in passing but never close. We've hung out a LOT this past year and realized how much we have in a common and there is a connection, it's just.. I know he doesn't want anything serious even though I;ve not outright asked. Just his comments. "if we didn't work together I'd pursue it..." Which, also gives me false hope in a way.. because he's saying he'd pursue it.

 

You are right.. why DO I want this??? I'm not even sure. We are mid to late 30s to answer your question! I guess I keep trying to tell myself he is just scared because he got hurt in his last relationship but in my gut I know that's not it. He's off talking to other women even STILL.... I am not it for him yet I stick around because I stupidly think maybe we just need one more time together and he'll realize he thinks I'm great and want to pursue.. I'm an idiot. A year of this.. he's had the milk for free, of COURSE he has no inclination of pursuing something serious.

 

I am definitely at the "fed up" point where I won't be losing anything by cutting it off. I just dont know if I call him out on all the bull****, tell him how I feel for closure, or go NC with no explanation... I just don't know, I'm wrestling with it all!

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The trouble is that I work with him... so cutting off contact completely is impossible. In the past when we've fought and called things up, Ill ignore him for weeks then he just comes to my desk to see me...he sucks me in every damn time.

 

I think, I don't even want a relationship with him. I think it just drives me bat**** crazy that I can't have him...I don't know! The good moments are so far and few between that I am literally losing nothing by ending things with him. I mean, it's not like I'm losing an active sex life or anything... it's all on HIS terms and hardly happens...I'm losing nothing.

 

Thank you for the reality check!

 

Contact should be strictly professional. He sucks you in because you choose to get sucked in. If you are firm within your boundaries, no one can make you do something you do not want to do. The choice of staying NC is your responsibility and yours to adhere to and since you work together, you enforce a professional stance and stick to it. This can only happen if and when you’re absolutely ready to move on.

 

You know you deserve better so stop settling for so little. You want him because at one point he made you feel good. You’re holding onto those feel good moments and you’re hoping it’ll grow. You want him to validate you. You’re clouded by it rather than focusing on the reality of who he really is.

Edited by Zahara
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You already know he doesn't want anything more with you. It would have happened by now otherwise.

 

Yes, you need to walk away. He doesn't view you as girlfriend material for him, for whatever reason. He doesn't have an attachment problem- he just isn't interested in actually having a relationship with you. He isn't playing you, either. I say that because it doesn't appear he's ever promised you more, and you keep going along with this. You obviously have feelings for him, and he obviously does not share those.

 

You have wasted enough time on him.

 

EDIT: It seems you already got a lot of clarity in your identical thread here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/669549-my-fwb-lying

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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You are stuck in a time wrap

"...he was a GREAT guy, cooking for me, sweet, attentive, interested in my life, spent NYE together. I thought it had great potential to go somewhere after knowing each other so long...."

 

But that guy never really existed.

 

It seems to me, men, when it comes to casual/fwb relationships, put women into boxes and they tend to stay there. Very rarely do fwb turn into real gfs, or wives, they just do not see you in that way, so whilst they may enjoy the sex, the company, they look elsewhere when looking for something "serious".

 

You are wasting good years of your life hankering after a man who is if we are honest is not that interested in you and apparently never really was.

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You already know he doesn't want anything more with you. It would have happened by now otherwise.

 

Yes, you need to walk away. He doesn't view you as girlfriend material for him, for whatever reason. He doesn't have an attachment problem- he just isn't interested in actually having a relationship with you. He isn't playing you, either. I say that because it doesn't appear he's ever promised you more, and you keep going along with this. You obviously have feelings for him, and he obviously does not share those.

 

You have wasted enough time on him.

 

EDIT: It seems you already got a lot of clarity in your identical thread here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/669549-my-fwb-lying

 

I think that's what I struggle with.... I can't be mad at him when he has never told me he wants more. I am mad he is lying to me though, I mean there is very obviously someone else in the picture if he holds me at super arms length. FWB is suppose to be fun, MUTUALLY wanted hookups and I feel like I almost have to beg him before he relents. The last couple times he's initiated it on his own, but it's so few and far between. I don't expect to see him every week or anything, but hardly less a month is absurd. I've told him he's allowed to do what he wants, as am I, but to just tell me so it's my choice to make if I want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others. I think he's been lying this whole time just to have me around as backup and that's even ****tier than telling me he doesn't want to pursue things. At this point I do feel used and played.. not in the "I want something more with you" way at all, but in the "yeah I want to hook up with you and have fun, I'm not hooking up with anyone else right now"... that's what makes me mad. I wanted to salvage the friendship out of this when it ends but I don't see how that's possible now.

 

I am going to end things. How do I do it without sounding bitter and pissed (we've done this so many times he's going to think I'm a. pissed off and b. not serious and will run back.) Do I tell him I just know he's not being truthful so I don't want to do it anymore, or give no explanation and say I think we should could it quits and let him wonder why?

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You could just tell him the truth and say that you can't trust him right now. For that, you can't continue this arrangement.

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Don't. For your sake and the sake of your career, let it go. Per your own posts, you are the one who has to remind him to make contact, so the "thing" only really exists because you force it. If you let it slide back to professional-only messages he will get the picture soon enough. You have never been a high priority for him so you should do the same and demote him back to a regular coworker.

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Versacehottie
Don't. For your sake and the sake of your career, let it go. Per your own posts, you are the one who has to remind him to make contact, so the "thing" only really exists because you force it. If you let it slide back to professional-only messages he will get the picture soon enough. You have never been a high priority for him so you should do the same and demote him back to a regular coworker.

 

This^^^^

 

You are acting like someone who doesn't have options by letting all this happen to you & be on his terms etc (and keep getting less and less from him). Start acting like you have options. Create options for yourself. Even if it's simply how you spend your time and occupy yourself. Good luck

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Don't. For your sake and the sake of your career, let it go. Per your own posts, you are the one who has to remind him to make contact, so the "thing" only really exists because you force it. If you let it slide back to professional-only messages he will get the picture soon enough. You have never been a high priority for him so you should do the same and demote him back to a regular coworker.

I completely agree and have tried that, he pulls the "so what? I'm just an ******* coworker now? I never wanted this to ruin our friendship, I wanted to save that no matter what happened..." There's just so many things I've left out that he's done that are so disrespectful even if we're not together. Has literally rubbed in my face the entire time that he is looking for other women... it's never been a secret, other than lying and saying he has nothing going on right NOW when I'm certain he does. I don't know any guy who can go 3 months without sex when it's being offered on a platter...I don't know.

 

Quite honestly, I just want to walk away and not even officially end things with him...he'll know what, he knows how ****ty he has been. It's not even that my expectations of him were unrealistic...he just threw breadcrumbs are the very best and everytime I "end" it... he sucks up and makes me feel like he cares for a split second. I'm just tired of it, but I fight with myself like "he never promised you more and you knew what this was, you have no right to be mad at him or say he was ****ty..." Isn't that the work of a narcissist? To make you believe that??

 

I'm just spent. :(

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Versacehottie
I completely agree and have tried that, he pulls the "so what? I'm just an ******* coworker now? I never wanted this to ruin our friendship, I wanted to save that no matter what happened..." There's just so many things I've left out that he's done that are so disrespectful even if we're not together. Has literally rubbed in my face the entire time that he is looking for other women... it's never been a secret, other than lying and saying he has nothing going on right NOW when I'm certain he does. I don't know any guy who can go 3 months without sex when it's being offered on a platter...I don't know.

 

Quite honestly, I just want to walk away and not even officially end things with him...he'll know what, he knows how ****ty he has been. It's not even that my expectations of him were unrealistic...he just threw breadcrumbs are the very best and everytime I "end" it... he sucks up and makes me feel like he cares for a split second. I'm just tired of it, but I fight with myself like "he never promised you more and you knew what this was, you have no right to be mad at him or say he was ****ty..." Isn't that the work of a narcissist? To make you believe that??

 

I'm just spent. :(

 

You are putting WAY too much emphasis on his point of view. Try putting it on what you need and want only for now. Lol, this is a crisis situation of how are you going to stop this situation that makes you feel bad and disrespected so the focus NEEDS and should be on you. Having it not be is exactly how you got yourself IN this situation.

 

Make it SIMPLE. You don't want to continue to be jerked around; you like him as more than a FWB and he won't give you that. Doesn't matter what his reasons/excuses are, you are not getting what you want so you handle it like someone who IS going to get what you want by not allowing this bs to take up space in your life. You can maybe be friends way down the road (you probably won't care if you actually see him for who he has been to you) but put it out of your mind for the near future. It's not important in light of current goals and the way YOU feel. Even debating if he's a sh*t person, is a waste of your time. Like i said, focus on how you are going to have options (for dating other guys, spending your time). You are not helpless in this situation far from it, so start acting like it (again, it's part of the reason you are in this predicament: no one can give you breadcrumbs if you don't take them). Good luck

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At this point you are getting spun up about your own emotions; he isn't even doing anything. Of course he's sleeping with other women. You know this.

 

It doesn't matter what he says about your "friendship". Say it's easier to keep things professional and leave it at that. And start seeking a serious relationship with someone who wants to give you the time of day.

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At this point you are getting spun up about your own emotions; he isn't even doing anything. Of course he's sleeping with other women. You know this.

 

It doesn't matter what he says about your "friendship". Say it's easier to keep things professional and leave it at that. And start seeking a serious relationship with someone who wants to give you the time of day.

 

Why doesn't he just tell me he is?? It has been the only rule from day one for me..not that he CAN'T, but that I expect him to tell me out of respect and he said he will. It bothers me way more that he's potentially lying about that to keep this stupid thing going with me, than it does the fact he can't give me a relationship.

 

I definitely can't nor want to be friends, that I know! I guess I feel like "oh he made an effort last weekend and initiated, asked me over, cooked for me, was sweet as pie..." and I've been wanting to see if that effort continues but clearly it isn't. I am actually almost certain he was texting a woman while I was over there again too... like what am I doing with this guy?? COmpletely wasting my time and allowing myself to be treated with as little respect as possible.

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Why doesn't he just tell me he is?? It has been the only rule from day one for me..not that he CAN'T, but that I expect him to tell me out of respect and he said he will. It bothers me way more that he's potentially lying about that to keep this stupid thing going with me, than it does the fact he can't give me a relationship.

 

I definitely can't nor want to be friends, that I know! I guess I feel like "oh he made an effort last weekend and initiated, asked me over, cooked for me, was sweet as pie..." and I've been wanting to see if that effort continues but clearly it isn't. I am actually almost certain he was texting a woman while I was over there again too... like what am I doing with this guy?? COmpletely wasting my time and allowing myself to be treated with as little respect as possible.

 

"This guy lies to me, disrespects me, and treats me like an idiot...so why doesn't he tell me the truth?"

 

Just keep it professional and move on. Right now this is only continuing because you let it.

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You sound just like me. I can tell you the only way it's going to end is when HE ends it with you. You keep going back and forth, being angry, feeling sad, like you're lied to, you're not being lied to, you're just looking at things with your "fantasy" glasses on.

 

You spent time together, doesn't mean anything, he told you things you wanted to hear, makes you feel hopeful, you know he's fooling around and sleeping with other women, makes you angry. And even though it makes you angry, I bet you even if he told you the truth, you'll still sleep with him, why? Because you want what you can't have.

 

You want him to want you, you want him to need you and look for you and lust after you and tell you he wants to give you everything because you're a great woman and he'll never find anyone else like you.

 

This is what you are really wanting from him, it's your EGO talking.

 

But what has he done for you? Disrespected you, and you still stay, lie to you and you still stay, keeping you hanging on a string, and you still stay. This is why you won't end it with him, as angry as you are. YOU WON'T.

 

I'm not getting angry with my caps, but you and I are in the same situation. My situation no longer applies though because as angry and as hurt as I was and as many times as I "broke" up with him and we got back together, the only thing that finally ended it was HIM because he had enough of my back and forth (I guess) and thought it best to leave me alone. This is the only way you're going to get out of it because you're not mentally or emotionally strong enough to get away from him. Like I wasn't.

 

You're suffering while with him and you're gonna hurt not being with him.

 

I am currently hurting, been almost a month since he we ended it, but I know the pain will lessen with time.

 

That's the only way this "quasi" relationship is going to end. By him.

 

He's not even going to you for sex like that anymore. You have to reach out to him to get it? An FWB only benefits the man. Us girls we get too emotionally invested, again I think it's just our ego's that are at the forefront because we overlook the red flags constantly and just focus on the tiny moments where it was good.

 

Since you're not going to end this and he will, TRY to date other men even if you don't want to (I should probably heed this advice too, but I don't feel ready yet), be more social, go out and do stuff, anything to take your mind off this guy. Try to be strong in not going back. Don't fool yourself about wanting a friendship with him, we all know you don't want that. You want him to want you plain and simple and when the day ever comes when he does tell you that, you won't want him anymore. Why do I say that? Again, it's your ego talking. You don't actually want him at all, you're just hurt that he can't see a great thing that's in front of him. But you don't need him to validate you as a woman, you're great just as you are.

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Versacehottie
Why doesn't he just tell me he is?? It has been the only rule from day one for me..not that he CAN'T, but that I expect him to tell me out of respect and he said he will. It bothers me way more that he's potentially lying about that to keep this stupid thing going with me, than it does the fact he can't give me a relationship.

 

I definitely can't nor want to be friends, that I know! I guess I feel like "oh he made an effort last weekend and initiated, asked me over, cooked for me, was sweet as pie..." and I've been wanting to see if that effort continues but clearly it isn't. I am actually almost certain he was texting a woman while I was over there again too... like what am I doing with this guy?? COmpletely wasting my time and allowing myself to be treated with as little respect as possible.

 

You are still focusing on him. All you can control is yourself. TBH, a lot of people would not tell you or abide by rules in a situation like this. It's inherent in a non-committed thing, no expectations. He has continually disappointed you and every expectation you've had so why would this be any different?

 

If, at the back of your mind, you are trying to convince yourself that he isn't "telling" you because he doesn't want to "lose" you and there really is something special between you, you will get the "same" result when he loses you because you move on. He has no reason to change a thing since it is all on his terms; he makes you give more effort while he gives less, still ok with you. That's one reason he doesn't tell you. Also he doesn't feel obligated because he doesn't like you like that. You already know what you need to know anyway (doesn't matter if other girls are in the picture)---that he doesn't CHOOSE to be with you, should be enough that you want to move on. SIMPLE, keep it simple.

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