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Did not visit me after major surgery


tsnell

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Friend, who is now my boyfriend, of almost a year did not come see me after my heart transplant surgery in August 2018 because he say it is to much traffic... We both live 2 hrs away from New Orleans which is not too far. I been here in New Orleans for 3 months at an apartment recovering and he still has not come to see me. I asked him a few minutes ago if he does not like going to hospitals, but he said that's not the problem. He says he loves me and the few times I went back home for the weekend he has always been there for me. He cooked, cleaned, made sure I did not fall, but I do not understand why he is not willing to come this way to be here for me. While in the hospital he called me daily to see how I was doing, when I was up to it I video called him daily. He was there for me when I was back home in the hospital. He currently contacts me the same daily via call and video call. It is really disappointing to me to where I'm ready to give up on this relationship.

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Could there be a reason why he wouldn’t go to the hospital? Like not a lame excuse but some people are really scared of hospitals.

 

Perhaps you can tell him it hurt you and were wondering if there is a deeper reason he didn’t visit.

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I've said how it hurts me numerous of times to where he is tired of hearing it. And so far as the hospital he went took his dad today, so that can not be it.

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I've said how it hurts me numerous of times to where he is tired of hearing it. And so far as the hospital he went took his dad today, so that can not be it.

 

Oh, well then. He is pretty insensitive. Liek he TOLD you he was tired of hearing it?

:mad:

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Yup

He say he is tired of me keep bringing it up daily. Its not going to change anything and he is not coming. He does not need to come when he can see me back home whenever I am able to go back. I actually have not been home in 2 weeks being I keep having minor complications after surgery. I usually go back home and stay Friday-Sunday morning.

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Yup

He say he is tired of me keep bringing it up daily. Its not going to change anything and he is not coming. He does not need to come when he can see me back home whenever I am able to go back. I actually have not been home in 2 weeks being I keep having minor complications after surgery. I usually go back home and stay Friday-Sunday morning.

 

Time to cut him out of your life dear. You clearly understand that ANY loving and caring boyfriend would visit you at the hospital no matter what. If they didn't initiate, they definitely would if the girlfriend "asks" for their visit. Either your boyfriend is REALLY insensitive or he doesn't care about you as much as you think he does. Seriously.. if my boyfriend had a freaking heart transplant surgery.. I don't care if I have to travel 17 hours and half way across the globe.. I'd go visit him.

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Interesting comparison. I was in for heart surgery a year ago. The woman (over 50) I was just starting to get to the point of dating (we'd known each other for over a year), went out of her way to say she'd like to come with me to the pre-op consultation session. She didn't have to offer to do that and I was very pleased at her insistence.

 

The hospital recommends you have someone come with you for any emotional support you might find yourself unexpectedly in need of because yeah, having your chest split open and part of your heart cut off to replace a bad section is a pretty big deal when you let it sink in.

 

Well she fell off the radar 3 weeks before and didn't make arrangements to come with me. I had an inkling anyway - some people talk a big game - so I left it to her to contact me. Then she didn't show for the 5 days I was in hospital, 45 minutes away. And she didn't check up on me at all after that.

 

Eight months later I needed another serious procedure, actually more life threatening than heart surgery. On the way back from the pre-op I thought, this is ridiculous, I can't stop thinking about her including that I'm pretty pissed/disappointed by her actions but one of us has to reach out. I was reacting out of spite which wasn't sitting well with myself. Phoned her from the car on the way home.

 

She was thrilled to hear from me and we met the next day like nothing happened and we had some fun times out and about. I didn't bring up the incident but believe me, it weighs on my judgment of if she's reliable or a social butterfly who avoids responsibilities even when they are her idea.

 

She's got issues about negative experiences coming into her life; also if people really are sincere that they want to see her as much as they say, so she quietly withdraws to herself. She's told me as much. She did come to visit me at home after that surgery. Then some dates and we keep in touch.

 

Your guy just sounds like a jerk. He should own up to what's going on inside his noggin'. You should respectfully, put him 5 points lower than where he is now on your partner/lover evaluation, where ever that leaves him on a scale from 1-10.

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Well, it’s obvious that he really can’t take time out of his busy schedule to be with you. As long as it’s convenient, though, he’s happy to oblige.

 

First of all, just dump this man-child. It’s a preview of things to come. Secondly, why do you feel the need to badger him about this over and over again? You’ve discussed it with him, you've gotten his lame answer. Continuing to bash him over the head with it isn’t going to change his attitude. He has shown you who he is. By staying with him, you show him that you accept his actions.

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Or it could be he sees your health issues as responsibility he is not willing to assume considering the rathervshort period you have dated.

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Some people don't "do" hospitals. I could maybe give him a pass but him not coming to see you as you recover 2 hours from him, nope, there is no excuse. He does not care enough about you & is proving he is not reliable in a crisis. If you want to live the rest of your life like this, fine. Otherwise kick him lose.

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That's absurd. When my husband and I were dating a few months, I called him at three in the morning one night, because I couldn't stop throwing up. He drove to pick me up and spend all night with me int he hospital. And that wasn't even major surgery. That lack of concern is not right.

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Thanks everyone for great advice! I really want to tell him how much I hate him because the even more sad thing is I suffer with bipolar/depression/ptsd and he knows that. I tell him how it makes me feel, hang up in his face, but he continues to call/video call like nothing is wrong. Also, I've been knowing him a long time compared to my other relationships and I do not have friends. It is very difficult u the idea of letting go someone else.

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I've said how it hurts me numerous of times to where he is tired of hearing it. And so far as the hospital he went took his dad today, so that can not be it.

 

Then he doesn't want to be burdened with your health/hospital issues--that's what that move is screaming.

 

I'd set him adrift. He's not in your corner the way you need for him to be.

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Going against the grain here....A pep talk for you: You are lucky to have him despite him not wanting to travel to see you.

 

 

 

Hard fact: Most people would not date someone like yourself that has a multiple health/mental issues. And you struggle socially if you have no friends but him.

 

Sounds like he's all you got, and this is only one issue you have with him. Small price to pay IMO if this situation is temporary. You will recover and get back to normal with him.

 

 

 

I think recovery is tough right now because you are feeling isolated/lonely which is understandable. This isn't forever so sit tight, keep positive, recover well.

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@ Smackie

Are you saying that my mental health issues is why he treats me with no care towards me, and that I should put up with such treatment because of my health/mental health?

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Thanks everyone for great advice! I really want to tell him how much I hate him because the even more sad thing is I suffer with bipolar/depression/ptsd and he knows that. I tell him how it makes me feel, hang up in his face, but he continues to call/video call like nothing is wrong. Also, I've been knowing him a long time compared to my other relationships and I do not have friends. It is very difficult u the idea of letting go someone else.

 

In that case, if friends are few and far between, then keep him in your life. However, do him and yourself a favor and don’t harp on things when he doesn’t meet your expectations. Having low expectations of him is probably your best move here. That way, the two of you can remain in peace with one another.

 

I hope your recovery is going well.

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@ Smackie

Are you saying that my mental health issues is why he treats me with no care towards me, and that I should put up with such treatment because of my health/mental health?

NO that isn't what I meant at all.........

 

 

it's not like he's completely uncaring...you just stated when you saw him, he cooked,cleaned for you made sure you didn't fall, etc....so that is uncaring too???? What about him contacting you all the time, does vid chat when you can...is that uncaring as well??? He doesn't complain or argue with you, to keep things calm, is that insensitive??. Just because he hasn't visited you, doesn't mean he is abusive/horrible human being. Whatever his reason is, it hasn't stopped him from showing his love for you in other ways.

 

 

 

I believe with your mental health issues and the fact you are isolated, not feeling well, not having friends, this anger is amplified. I'm not saying what he isn't doing for you is justifiable, but it's not the end of the world.

 

 

 

get over this hump or bump in the road, and work it out with him later or you could be losing something good that's what I'm implying.

 

 

 

Hey if you don't see it that way that's OK too, I'm not shunning you....kick him to the curb if this is your solution, all the power to ya. Maybe he doesn't deserve to be in your life anymore....he's showing his true colors.

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major_merrick

Hospitalization is a good time to figure our who is really your friend and who isn't. True friends drop everything and show up if needed. Your guy didn't.

 

A few years ago, my husband had just gone through a divorce. Freshly divorced, he was dating a girl. He managed to slip, fall, and break a leg and mess up his knee. When he got out of the hospital, he called her up and asked her if she could perhaps grab him a box pizza from the store and hang out for a while. She lived maybe a half hour away. She was "too busy." That was the end of that relationship! When I found out, I drove for 12 hours to get there. He ended up getting me a job interview while I was there, so I moved...years later we are together and we have a daughter. Commitment brings more commitment.

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maybe he was scared to go to New Orleans or a big(ger) city. I know quite a few people in the boonies who never want to go into the big city. I am not too far from there.

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I'veseenbetterlol
Hospitalization is a good time to figure our who is really your friend and who isn't. True friends drop everything and show up if needed. Your guy didn't.

 

Gotta agree here! I would say though any major event happening shows who is their for you. Someone who loves you will drop absolutely everything and be w/you. If it was a cold or something, maybe you could give him an excuse, but major surgery nope.

 

You have two choices:

 

1. Accept for who he is. Don't expect him to be there for you except on his terms.

 

2. Dump him and find someone who will drop everything to be w/you.

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mortensorchid

Bad sign when someone won't see you when you are in the hospital- as in in the hour of need. It says he doesn't care much about you. Many years ago I was in the hospital (severe allergic reaction and pneumonia) and everyone came to see me except for the guy I was seeing. I talked to him everyday and said I was lonely and wanted to see him. He said he needed to relax at home. Unbelievably self centered of him. I rescued an older woman who fell down and broke her hip in the basement of my apartment building. The next day I went to the hospital to see her, and I also went to see her in the nursing home where they put her for recovery. We didn't know each other, she was an older woman and I didn't know if she had any friends who would see her so I thought I would. Did I complain about doing it? No. Needless to say the man in question was a very self centered person in ways I didn't see until that moment and he's long since gone. I suggest the same with this guy.

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Gotta agree here! I would say though any major event happening shows who is their for you. Someone who loves you will drop absolutely everything and be w/you. If it was a cold or something, maybe you could give him an excuse, but major surgery nope.

 

You have two choices:

 

1. Accept for who he is. Don't expect him to be there for you except on his terms.

 

2. Dump him and find someone who will drop everything to be w/you.

 

Its actually not surprising because his son stays 4-5 hrs away from him and he does not see him. He is turning 7 this month and not going see him for his birthday. He feels video chat is suitable. Just wish he wasn't some outside family I have been knowing long time. He also still video chat and calls me daily.

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Its actually not surprising because his son stays 4-5 hrs away from him and he does not see him. He is turning 7 this month and not going see him for his birthday. He feels video chat is suitable. Just wish he wasn't some outside family I have been knowing long time. He also still video chat and calls me daily.

 

He sounds avoidant with a fear of emotional intimacy. I feel sorry for his son.

 

He's going to be an old man whose son refuses to have anything to do with them--nothing is more pitiful, especially when it could have all been avoided and he could have been a father who was physically present in his son's life.

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Going against the grain here....A pep talk for you: You are lucky to have him despite him not wanting to travel to see you.

 

 

 

Hard fact: Most people would not date someone like yourself that has a multiple health/mental issues. And you struggle socially if you have no friends but him.

 

Sounds like he's all you got, and this is only one issue you have with him. Small price to pay IMO if this situation is temporary. You will recover and get back to normal with him.

 

 

 

I think recovery is tough right now because you are feeling isolated/lonely which is understandable. This isn't forever so sit tight, keep positive, recover well.

 

This is equally absurd. Her suffering from some mental health issues is no reason for her to settle for someone who doesn't put her health needs first.

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