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Need some perspective, got ghosted


GenericUsername

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GenericUsername

Hi everyone! Looking for some opinions on what happened with this girl and why she might have ghosted me. There's a fair bit of background info so thanks to everyone that makes it through the whole thing...

 

For about a year or so I've had a thing for friend's sister who is now 26 (I'm 30 fwiw). At the time there was no indication that she had any interest in me and it was really just a crush that I had on her. Fast forward to spring when race season is full on (I race bikes with her brother frequently) and she has taken to it and is at a lot of these events. We see each other at these events frequently and while we joke around with each other and generally give each other a hard time and have fun, I really didn't think she was into me.

 

Fast forward to July, she gets my number from her brother and out of the blue texts me with some questions about an upcoming event. We talk via text occasionally over the next few weeks, nothing serious just bull****ting mostly. At this point I've become something of a family friend, her brother inviting me on their family vacation (to a race) and I start getting pretty close to him and their parents. I realize how much I enjoy being around her and suspect maybe she's into me but I tread carefully since I'm good friends now with her brother and in some ways her parents.

 

Fast forward again to October and they invite me on a 10 day cross country road trip. Throughout the trip we flirt the whole time, to the point that someone else on the trip thought we were together. That person privately told me that she's into me and while I wasn't surprised at this point it was nice to have some confirmation. So basically immediately after the trip we make plans to go on a date. We hit this taco spot and were there till they closed. We ended the night with a hug and chatted a bit over the next few days. A week after our date, she asked me to volunteer at this event she was a part of so obviously I do it. She's busy with her responsibilities at this thing so we really only get to be together briefly, but no big deal I figured. This was Nov 4th. She texts me later that night about something that happened after I left and I thought all was well.

 

On the 7th we texted about the event again a little bit, and I joked I almost skipped it because someone we both dislike was going to be there and that I really had gone to hang with her. She didn't reply and I responded 24 hrs later saying "sorry if that was out of the blue, but I'm into you and would love to go out again'. She responded the next morning (Nov 9th) that she's been super busy that week and let's plan on next week or weekend. I reply back that sounds great.

 

A few days go by and on the 14th I text her "If you're up for it and aren't busy Saturday night want to get dinner/drinks?" and I never got a response. I realize this is maybe not the most confident way to word it now but...

 

So my question is this: what happened? My perception of the date was that it went really well, we were there until they closed and when we saw each other at the volunteer thing she seemed normal. Did my texts about being into her scare her away? That would be kinda weird since at that point I knew she was into me. The one thing that stands out was I had two opportunities to make a move and I didn't but in hindsight should have. The first was on the cross country trip we were walking down a trail with two other people looking at the sky and shooting stars. We had both been drinking but looking back it was obvious she wanted me to kiss her. Ditto at the end of our date. We lingered in the parking lot and I only hugged her when she definitely wanted more.

 

I don't think I was clingy, we only would text every few days. During our date and in several text threads she would reference things in the future (races we'd go to, game night with her friends, etc) so I really don't understand why she would just disappear. If she changed her mind about me that's fine (and I would truly understand, she is so far out of my league) but she could have easily just said 'i think we should be friends' but now she's left me in a very awkward spot since I am friends with her family and will definitely see her at upcoming races and events.

 

Would it be weird to ask her brother about it? I really want to send one more message just to try and clear the air with her but I'm not sure that's a good idea...

Edited by GenericUsername
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I can't see any clear reason why it didn't work out.

It could be something you did, didn't do, her feelings just faded or it had nothing to do with you at all (eg. she met another guy).

 

Is your friend close to his sister?

If your friend was comfortable with you dating his sister and you're comfortable talking to him about that situation, you could ask him about it.

But it's probably best to just accept that she lost interest for whatever reason and move on.

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I hate ghosting so much it leaves you so confused. I don't know what you can really do but keep the brother (your friend) out of it.

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She clearly showed you indicators of interested, that you didn't get -she took the initiative, invested in you- suggesting things to do etc but didn't just get it...

 

You 'apologized' for nothing - another beta trait, man who subconsciously feel a fear of offending a woman - they apologize when there is nothing to apologize for, so worried about doing the right thing, saying the right thing, or not saying the wrong thing, that they miss out on connections and moments - no wonder you didn't kiss here when you were supposed to, you didn't do what you were supposed to do and when you where you supposed to do it becoz you are 'stuck in your head' - very unattractive

 

You rejected yourself - because you are a liar/deceptive and risk averse - you are with a woman who u r attracted to, a woman you want, but you act cool, misrepresent yourself - you didn't express yourself 'authentically' in the presence of a woman-a subtle fear of rejection-trying to control the outcome-what will her brother think etc The worst part was hitting on her on the phone, despite the many real opportunities you had with her -u used a 'buffered' means of communication, a 'covert form of communication' women naturally use, which they don't find attractive. The attractiveness of the masculine is in directness in conduct and communication; "I know me and you bro are friends, but I really want you right now..." and you go for the kiss...the masculine is direct,grounded,assertive,decisive, takes risks and doesn't avoid tension/ rejection...

 

Ask her brother what ! You really love to self sabotage don't you ! Another indirect means of communicating, making her less attracted to you...stop feeling awkward(it's all in your head), be grounded in the discomfort, remain calm and confident in the uncertainty...don't try to clear the air, own what you said, own your authenticity - and own the result, own your mistake,own the rejection/silence etc --don't take back anything,don't apologize, don't avoid, don't be uncomfortable -own your shhit...

 

She clearly was into you at the start, she danced for you, she expressed her femininity for you as an alpha - but u didn't take her as an alpha -busy thinking about beta nonsense like 'she is out of my league',and yet she is dancing ---soon she then realized the alpha she was hot for is acting like a beta..maybe he isn't all that..maybe I didn't see clearly...

 

Your self-perceptions are limiting you..you somehow gave her a reason to reject you, even though she had chosen you from the start...deciding if you are hot or not is a woman's business, whether it's your humor, smile,your racing skills, your looks,your reputation,even criminal record,your job is just to know the signs and game her - no such thing as ''out of my league'' a self limiting mindset..

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GenericUsername
I can't see any clear reason why it didn't work out.

It could be something you did, didn't do, her feelings just faded or it had nothing to do with you at all (eg. she met another guy).

 

Is your friend close to his sister?

If your friend was comfortable with you dating his sister and you're comfortable talking to him about that situation, you could ask him about it.

But it's probably best to just accept that she lost interest for whatever reason and move on.

 

 

Yes, they're very close and he knew our situation. I feel like a "Do you know why <sister> disappeared?" would be ok to ask and just see what he says without prying any more than that.

 

I have accepted she lost interest but it just sucks how she left things off and I guess that I'm just bummed about that part.

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GenericUsername
She clearly showed you indicators of interested, that you didn't get -she took the initiative, invested in you- suggesting things to do etc but didn't just get it...

 

You 'apologized' for nothing - another beta trait, man who subconsciously feel a fear of offending a woman - they apologize when there is nothing to apologize for, so worried about doing the right thing, saying the right thing, or not saying the wrong thing, that they miss out on connections and moments - no wonder you didn't kiss here when you were supposed to, you didn't do what you were supposed to do and when you where you supposed to do it becoz you are 'stuck in your head' - very unattractive

 

You rejected yourself - because you are a liar/deceptive and risk averse - you are with a woman who u r attracted to, a woman you want, but you act cool, misrepresent yourself - you didn't express yourself 'authentically' in the presence of a woman-a subtle fear of rejection-trying to control the outcome-what will her brother think etc The worst part was hitting on her on the phone, despite the many real opportunities you had with her -u used a 'buffered' means of communication, a 'covert form of communication' women naturally use, which they don't find attractive. The attractiveness of the masculine is in directness in conduct and communication; "I know me and you bro are friends, but I really want you right now..." and you go for the kiss...the masculine is direct,grounded,assertive,decisive, takes risks and doesn't avoid tension/ rejection...

 

Ask her brother what ! You really love to self sabotage don't you ! Another indirect means of communicating, making her less attracted to you...stop feeling awkward(it's all in your head), be grounded in the discomfort, remain calm and confident in the uncertainty...don't try to clear the air, own what you said, own your authenticity - and own the result, own your mistake,own the rejection/silence etc --don't take back anything,don't apologize, don't avoid, don't be uncomfortable -own your shhit...

 

She clearly was into you at the start, she danced for you, she expressed her femininity for you as an alpha - but u didn't take her as an alpha -busy thinking about beta nonsense like 'she is out of my league',and yet she is dancing ---soon she then realized the alpha she was hot for is acting like a beta..maybe he isn't all that..maybe I didn't see clearly...

 

Your self-perceptions are limiting you..you somehow gave her a reason to reject you, even though she had chosen you from the start...deciding if you are hot or not is a woman's business, whether it's your humor, smile,your racing skills, your looks,your reputation,even criminal record,your job is just to know the signs and game her - no such thing as ''out of my league'' a self limiting mindset..

 

I generally agree with you and think you're right. I don't see how I was a liar or deceptive but I'll agree with risk averse. We had been around each other frequently prior to ever getting closer so I was never putting on a facade. I was always just my awkward self.

 

Anyway thank you for the reality check and while this missed opportunity stings it has been a good learning experience, I just wish i wasn't ghosted there was some closure.

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I don't see anything that scared her away.

 

What I sense is that she was ambivalent. Yes, she liked you ... Yes, you talked on the road trip ... and closed the taco place.

 

Here's what might have confused you. OTHER people told you it was clear she was interested. And you felt she might be interested yourself.

 

But she didn't hold your ass and you guys didn't kiss ...

 

She was interested in you ... but never committed to dating you ... never passionately or seriously interested ... No fault of your own ...

 

BTW: the whole "busy" thing ... might as well be ghosting ... That's code for "you're not a priority ... you're work ... you are an errand that I will somehow think about later."

 

But her feelings aren't in your control ... One bad text usually can't kill off a burning attraction. So relax bro ... You didn't ruin anything. It was never there.

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