How to not be clingy or overly attached during the first phase of casual dating

[lovesiick]

There’s that initial phase of dating where things between the two of you are still casual, wherein you guys might not be texting as much or it’s not as often as you want it to be. Not to say that everyone’s first phase is like that but mine is.

 

This guy I’ve been talking to for about a month now is someone I think could have potential. We’ve only gone on two dates because the first few weeks we talked he went to a trip out of the country. The problem with me is that I always want to talk on text/snapchat or stay in touch somehow but I’m trying to control myself because I don’t want him to think that I’m being overly clingy.

 

I also don’t know if I should be the one to initiate the third date. After our second one wherein we ended up sleeping together, he said we’ll just talk about when we’re both free and it’s been 3 days since. Granted after the second date he still texted me.

[amaysngrace]

Just be as casual about the relationship as you are about sex and you’ll be gold.

[PRW]

This guy I’ve been talking to for about a month now is someone I think could have potential. We’ve only gone on two dates because the first few weeks we talked he went to a trip out of the country. The problem with me is that I always want to talk on text/snapchat or stay in touch somehow but I’m trying to control myself because I don’t want him to think that I’m being overly clingy.

 

I also don’t know if I should be the one to initiate the third date.

 

Think in less extremes. You don't have to initiate the date, just reach out to him and if he has his act together he should take that as his "que" to make the next date. As long as he "gets it", then you can see each other more often this way, and it has the bonus for you of being the one in control of the "rate" by how often you give him a "poke". Usually this happens more naturally and occurs sometime after the 3-4th date.

 

If he doesn't "get it" you could give him a little snarky remark (in a fun, jovial way) such as "Ya' know most guys would know when I reach out to them they are supposed to use that the set the next date".

Edited November 19, 2018 by PRW

[LoverOfDance]

He is lukewarm about you and you aren't about him.

 

You say you're dating casually but you actually aren't. Based on what you've written, you seem to want to connect more with him emotionally and develop something real.

 

He is dating you casually. You AREN'T dating him casually. Both of you aren't on the same page.

 

You can keep dating him and maybe his feelings will catch up to yours later. MAYBE. I personally wouldn't focus my energy on him.

[Gretchen12]

I know the feeling you are talking about. And yet, none of my long term relationships started that way. When the feeling is mutual, all rules go out the window. Those rules only apply to other people. When it's right, it's so easy. I suggest you just be yourself.

 

As an example, years ago a guy I was talking to was what you'd call clingy and I got turned off. But later another guy was much more so, and I loved it. So don't over analyze. The deciding factor is always something else.

[smackie9]

Fill the clinginess with just being flirty and fun....if there isn't much reciprocation, don't waste another minute.

[Lotsgoingon]

So often when people ask this question (how not to appear clingy), the issue isn't clingyness.

 

The issue, or problem to be exact, is that the other person isn't contacting you and showing the interest in you that you want them to show. That's the problem.

 

No amount of clingy or not being clingy really changes that problem, in my view. You an initiate if you want to see if there's interest.

 

Look, I'm not against sleeping with people, but if you want a relationship with someone, you will need to screen people to make sure they are interested in a relationship. Sleeping together early on isn't helpful for that process. Sex early on often convinces one partner that the two people are closer than they really are, more interested in each other, than they really are.

 

If he were clearly interested, he would have made contact with you ... multiple times ... and then the clingy worry for you ... would go out the window.

 

But don't tie yourself in knots. You calling him or sitting back ... will likely make no difference in the course of the relationship. Unfortunately, it seems, he's just not that into you.

[PRW]

This is the early stage. What is known as "casual dating". No one is BF/GF. No one is obligated to anyone. No one owes anyone anything.

 

Any claims of someone "being into you" or "not being into you" are all premature assumptions.

 

This is the "hang out, have fun, and don't worry about" it part right now.

This is not the "does he love me, does he love me not" part of it.

 

Looking back at the original post,...we are getting all wraped up in the situation and making judgements because nothing has been heard from the guy in 3 days.

 

3 days!! Come'on!

 

I go for a week without contacting anyone without a second thought about it, sometimes even 2-3 weeks in the casual dating phase.

Edited November 19, 2018 by PRW

[LoverOfDance]

PRW, no one is saying that they should both love each other or already be committed at this point.

 

I personally am saying that this does not look like something that's heading towards a worry free and emotionally fulfilling relationship.

 

You said it yourself, this is the "casual dating" stage.

 

Even when you date casually, you sometimes date with a purpose. You can tell when someone is "casually dating" with a purpose and when someone is simply "casually dating", that is, they have no purpose whatsoever and are simply floating to wherever the wind takes them. The problem arises when one person is simply casually floating in the wind while the other is floating but hoping that both her and her partner will eventually both take control at some point and steer the relationship in the direction they BOTH want it to go.

 

From my interpretation, i would say that at the moment, you see a relationship potential with this man but based on what you have described, it doesn't seem like he sees one with you. MAYBE he will later since you are still in the "casual dating" phase.

 

I'm just describing to you what i can see based on what I've read. It is up to you to spend that energy and time to "casually date" him until he catches up with you emotionally.

[lovesiick]

making judgements because nothing has been heard from the guy in 3 days.

 

3 days!! Come'on!

 

I go for a week without contacting anyone without a second thought about it, sometimes even 2-3 weeks in the casual dating phase.

 

Just to clarify, he has been texting me. Though we arent texting each other in a way a bf/gf couple would, we have been talking to each other ever since we slept together. Its just that he hasn’t brought up a third date yet unlike for the second date, wherein he made sure to seal during the first.

 

He did say though that a third would be happening, just that “we’d talk about the schedule” since thanksgiving is coming up and things are gonna be busy for him because of that.

[NuevoYorko]

You seem mainly concerned about how not to APPEAR clingy and over - invested to the guy.

 

You probably should look within and learn why you actually ARE clingy and over-invested. You should be taking it slow, finding out who he is and whether he is a good fit and worthy of you.

 

There's nothing wrong with sleeping with someone whenever you feel like it; first date, second, whatever, but if you are worried about your clinginess I would suggest holding off on the sex until you know what's going on. Sex tends to have a bonding effect on people who are the clingy type.

[LoverOfDance]

You are clearly afraid that you are needy and clingy and I find it sad that other posters on here come on this thread to validate your fears that there is something wrong with you.

 

This situation is quite simple if you ask me. You like him a lot and he doesn't like you as much. This stuff should flow. If it doesn't flow, let it go. Mr right would not think you are clingy, trust me, so these fears are honestly unnecessary.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

He is lukewarm about you and you aren't about him.

 

You say you're dating casually but you actually aren't. Based on what you've written, you seem to want to connect more with him emotionally and develop something real.

 

He is dating you casually. You AREN'T dating him casually. Both of you aren't on the same page.

 

You can keep dating him and maybe his feelings will catch up to yours later. MAYBE. I personally wouldn't focus my energy on him.

 

This is the issue. There is nothing wrong w/wanting someone the way you want them. If a guy is interested in you, he will put in a lot more effort. There is no too soon to do anything, but he seems to just want sex w/no strings. My bf never took more then a couple hours to text me back even from the start of the relationship. Since you aren't attached, date other guys. Also if you want to find a guy who wants a relationship, do not sleep w/them right away. Sex or lack of is a good indicator of what the guy wants.

[alphamale]

i'm afraid this guy was just looking for sex.

[Lotsgoingon]

Just to be clear.

 

When we are into someone, we don't talk about being "busy." Why? Because visiting and hanging out with the person we're interested in is euphoria-inducing pleasure. We'll fit in this pleasure just as we fit in a bowl of creamy ice cream ... even after a full stomach-stuffing meal.

 

If I'm too busy to see someone soon, 99 percent chance I really don't want to see them. Doesn't mean I dislike them ... just that I'm not into them.

 

You're telling me this guy couldn't find a few hours ... say 2 hours to hang out with you? ... or visit you?... I don't buy it. I don't buy that he's been shut-in all this time ... and not eaten out with anyone, not been playing video games, not been mindlessly surfing the net, not been watching hours and hours of Netflix.

 

Let him go if you're looking for a serious relationship.

[dancingintherain12]

This is the early stage. What is known as "casual dating". No one is BF/GF. No one is obligated to anyone. No one owes anyone anything.

 

Any claims of someone "being into you" or "not being into you" are all premature assumptions.

 

This is the "hang out, have fun, and don't worry about" it part right now.

This is not the "does he love me, does he love me not" part of it.

 

Looking back at the original post,...we are getting all wraped up in the situation and making judgements because nothing has been heard from the guy in 3 days.

 

3 days!! Come'on!

 

I go for a week without contacting anyone without a second thought about it, sometimes even 2-3 weeks in the casual dating phase.

 

 

Agreed. it's not a matter of 'hes not into you' or 'into you' sayings like everyone here loves to say. Some people take longer to open up, some people are just generally wired to be more casual. Some people have got out of relationships where they took it too fast then crashed and burned.

 

3 days may seem like a lot. I am in the same situation but it got better. He was texting me like twice a week or so. Then its every other day or 2 days. People open up at their own pace. I wouldn't text him. you slept with him, so play it a little cool for now. you can text him later on as you guys keep on casually dating (lets say 4-5 dates or so) but now is the time where he should be coming to you, or else he will be used to you coming to him.

 

not all relationships turn out to be a lovey dovey talk every day thing. Every relationship is just different, and I feel like me and you both are used to those type of relationships and feel like somethings wrong.

 

I'm actually going to my therapist about this tomorrow. I can let you know what she says about the issue.

 

But, sometimes its not so black and white and people are still weighing out their options with others, are introverts, can have a lot going on, or prefer to just take it slow and get to know somebody. I brought up the topic of this to the guy I'm seeing now, and he says he prefers to take it slow and really get to know me, and it won't be like that forever but he goes at his own pace.

 

Dont let your insecurities ruin a could be good thing.

 

Patience is key.

 

You can text him though if you want, just to say hey. But don't over do it.

 

Also, date other guys and try to keep your mind off this one, so all your eggs arent in one basket and you could distract yourself from this guy here.

[lovesiick]

 

If I'm too busy to see someone soon, 99 percent chance I really don't want to see them. Doesn't mean I dislike them ... just that I'm not into them.

 

You're telling me this guy couldn't find a few hours ... say 2 hours to hang out with you? ... or visit you?... I don't buy it. I don't buy that he's been shut-in all this time ... and not eaten out with anyone, not been playing video games, not been mindlessly surfing the net, not been watching hours and hours of Netflix.

 

Let him go if you're looking for a serious relationship.

 

I’m not saying he couldn’t find a few hours to visit me, never did I say that in my original post. I just didn’t want to appear overly clingy and wasn’t sure whether I should be the one to initiate a third date. And for the record, he has been texting me and talking to me ever since we last met, I just am scared I’ll appear clingy and attached.

 

Dont let your insecurities ruin a could be good thing.

 

Patience is key.

 

You can text him though if you want, just to say hey. But don't over do it.

 

Also, date other guys and try to keep your mind off this one, so all your eggs arent in one basket and you could distract yourself from this guy here.

 

Thank you for this, I needed to hear all of what you mentioned, even though I probably already knew myself. And I’d love to hear out what your therapist says if you don’t mind sharing yeah, thats’d honestly be great.

Edited November 20, 2018 by lovesiick

[LoverOfDance]

Smh, dancingintherain, i remember giving you a similar advice to the one I've given to the Op. I dated for 5 years before finding someone and there was a time when I had the mentality you have - the whole "give them time", "be patient", "things aren't black and white", bla bla bla. I eventually got to the point where i realized that i didn't want to deal with men who sucked my energy in any way, shape or form.

 

The Op is dealing with a man who is not ready and both you and the Op seem to have a lot of energy to spend on these kind of men. Good luck to you both. I'm genuinely trying to prevent the Op from going through what I've already gone through. Op, i truly hope this man ends up being the man you want him to be. The very best to you.

[PRW]

Its just that he hasn’t brought up a third date yet unlike for the second date, wherein he made sure to seal during the first.

That was a bit overzealous. I never talk about the "next date" while on the "current date". It takes discipline, but is important. Maybe he is wanting to dial it back a bit to get on a more even keel after moving to fast at the beginning.

 

 

He did say though that a third would be happening, just that “we’d talk about the schedule” since thanksgiving is coming up and things are gonna be busy for him because of that.

Well, that is a good thing that he said there will be a 3rd.

 

Maybe he is interested, maybe he is losing interest, maybe he just wanted sex, maybe you aren't the only one he is seeing,...who knows? My main point is that it is way too soon to be judging it. You'll just ruin any possibilities by freaking out about it.

[MaleIntuition]

Smh, dancingintherain, i remember giving you a similar advice to the one I've given to the Op. I dated for 5 years before finding someone and there was a time when I had the mentality you have - the whole "give them time", "be patient", "things aren't black and white", bla bla bla. I eventually got to the point where i realized that i didn't want to deal with men who sucked my energy in any way, shape or form.

 

The Op is dealing with a man who is not ready and both you and the Op seem to have a lot of energy to spend on these kind of men. Good luck to you both. I'm genuinely trying to prevent the Op from going through what I've already gone through. Op, i truly hope this man ends up being the man you want him to be. The very best to you.

 

I get that you are trying to help these girls based on your own experience, but sometimes these conclusions are just... too black and white. In my book, it will never make sense to instantly give up on someone whom doesn’t behave exactly the way we wished they would.

 

These are the facts:

1) Op likes the guy and want to continue dating

2) They are regularly in contact and texting

3) They have been on two dates

 

Unknown: his interest level.

 

The only negative thing thus far, based on the information we have, is that he hasn’t invited her on a third date yet. That doesn’t stop her from inviting him to do something. When we date, we risk getting hurt, I don’t think there is a way around that.

[PRW]

I get that you are trying to help these girls based on your own experience, but sometimes these conclusions are just... too black and white. In my book, it will never make sense to instantly give up on someone whom doesn’t behave exactly the way we wished they would.

 

These are the facts:

1) Op likes the guy and want to continue dating

2) They are regularly in contact and texting

3) They have been on two dates

 

Unknown: his interest level.

 

The only negative thing thus far, based on the information we have, is that he hasn’t invited her on a third date yet. That doesn’t stop her from inviting him to do something. When we date, we risk getting hurt, I don’t think there is a way around that.

 

Amen!

(I didn't think just clicking like was good enough)

[kendahke]

Don't offer up devotion to anyone who has not 1. asked for it and 2. has no plans on reciprocating in the same measure.

 

Nothing good can come out of something that is rooted in fear. If clinginess is an insurmountable problem for you, then perhaps you need to elevate your relationship with your therapist until you've gotten this sorted once and for all and not put so much emphasis on someone who's got you this out of sorts to the point where you fear any move you make lest it makes you look needy and clingy.

Edited November 20, 2018 by kendahke

[elaine567]

Men tend to like compartments, if he has put you into the "casual sex" box do not expect it to go much further than that...

[LoverOfDance]

PRW and MaleIntuition - I actually COMPLETELY get where you are both coming from. I get it. This was actually my thinking while i was dating. It took me a while to get fed up of that mentality.

 

I dated to a point where i just instantly knew when dating someone was going to suck a lot of my energy. When a man spoke to me for days without asking to meet, it never went anywhere. I had so many experiences over and over again because i kept giving different men chance after chance. i didn't want to be that person that saw things in "black and white". "Give him time", "maybe this one will be different", bla bla bla bla bla bla.

 

After a while i realized what i really wanted was something that flowed easily. Something fun and passionate. Something that made me feel good and at peace. This was what i began to wait patiently for.

 

As much as i want to help other women have an easier time dating, at the end of the day, THEY choose how and who to invest their energy in. There is only so much i can do.

[PRW]

I dated to a point where i just instantly knew when dating someone was going to suck a lot of my energy. When a man spoke to me for days without asking to meet, it never went anywhere. I had so many experiences over and over again because i kept giving different men chance after chance. i didn't want to be that person that saw things in "black and white". "Give him time", "maybe this one will be different", bla bla bla bla bla bla.

 

I agree with that and am quick to point out a situation like that out to someone if I see them in it.

 

I went back and re-read all of the OP's post to make sure I haven't lost the context. I still think she needs to just chill out. I do not see the guy doing what you list in the paragraph above. They met and have been on 2 dates, he then went out of the country. They said things are going to be busy with holidays such as Thanksgiving which is coming up. He said there would be a 3rd date but he hasn't set it yet. They have been texting some in the mean time while he is gone, but he hasn't set a time for the 3rd date yet (no big deal to me). "New" dating partners should not be involved in the other one's holiday plans as a principle. That is only for partners in an established relationship. So she shouldn't expect to have a 3rd date till after Thanksgiving. She should expect to not see much of him around Christmas because he will probably be busy with his family. Next year, if they survive, they will have been together long enough to be involved with each other's holiday plans.

 

I really don't see anything in this where he did anything wrong. In fact I think he has done a really good job and I wish all the guys would regulate and moderate themselves as well. If he wants to wait a while before a 3rd date if he is unsure about anything then he is well within his right to do that.

 

I know many hate to hear multi-dating suggested, but during the casual phase multi-dating would eliminate all this desperate hand-wringing crap because no one would be so over-focused on one person until the situation "grew" into a real exclusive dating relationship with someone.

Edited November 21, 2018 by PRW