Upsetting an introvert

[ripple89]

Hello everyone,

There is this girl with me in uni. She's in her final sem and I'm in my first sem. We're likely to transfer to the same uni later next year. I can say I have a huge crush on her and she's on my mind 24x7. It took about 2 months of on and off texting, but I finally understood that she is an introvert. A textbook definition introvert. I messed up one time and she didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. However, she explained later that there are days when she doesn't want to deal with people at all and we were back texting again. I even asked her if she likes me and she said she doesn't know. Anyway, she really opened up once that question was out of the way. Things were going really well and then I made the biggest mistake. She didn't talk to me for 2 days, just texted I'm busy we'll talk later. I guess she wanted her alone days. Anyway, the third day a lot of things happened and I was pissed and I sent her a threat that I refuse to be disrespected if she doesn't see me today, we're done.

 

She replied she never intended to disrespect me, but she can't see me today. Anyway, I apologised to her. Multiple times after that. Putting an introvert on the spot like that is a cardinal sin and I'm paying for it.

 

She keeps seeing my texts but doesn't reply. I think my first apology as well was pretty ****ty because I kept bargaining with her. Her being an introvert I don't even know if she's sad or angry or just having her solitude. It's been 2 weeks now and I haven't had a moment of peace since this thing happened. I tried sending her regular texts like nothing happened because I read introverts hate drama. But nothing. She just checks my messages when she's online, but doesn't reply. Rarely comes online. Like once in 2 days.

 

Please don't advise give this up. If she wants to break it off, it's fine but this guilt of she not forgiving me is eating me up inside. She's an extreme introvert, stays indoors most of the time, has limited friends, she once told me that she's not close to anyone at all, like anyone on EARTH. She's different but in the end she's a girl so I'm hoping there must be some way she will respond to me

[Garcon1986]

So she's essentially implied to you the way she likes to do things. She wants to take her time responding to all texts. You will hear some people say give this up on LS however, if you want to keep on pursuing this girl, don't expect her to change her ways anytime soon. She will be like this a few months from now. Ask yourself, can you put up with this? You can lead a horse to hay but you can't make her eat.

[d0nnivain]

You are being pushy & disrespecting her. Her time is her own. It is not yours. You are some guy she is texting with you. You are not even her BF.

 

If you want this to work back off. Stop demanding that she proceed at your accelerated pace & on your time table. Do not speak to her / text her every day. That is too much for her. Every other day or every third day. Try to get her to see you at least once per week even if it's just to study.

 

I do not think you are compatible because you are demanding more of her then she can give. That is a recipe for disaster.

[Garcon1986]

Apologizing for this many things decreases your attractiveness in her eyes anyway. There is no point in apologizing for texting too fast. She's at home texting her few girlfriends mentioning how weird you are. So - the only way to go from here is to be a cool customer.

[HumanMachine]

You were being pushy and needy, nothing to do with her introvertness []

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content, member on moderation

[Garcon1986]

You are not a committed boyfriend anyway, so you should be taking the opportunity to date every possible person that is attracted to you, to sort out to yourself, is this the product I want to buy or not. You two are not yet under any obligation to each other.

[kendahke]

No, I am going to advise you to break this off and find someone else. You are not able to deal with how she proceeds in life without having a tantrum about it. She's told you that she's not that one---but you want her to be what she can't be---and that's not fair of you.

 

You have no standing in her life to make any sort of demands on how often she texts or anything. You're so not in your lane and need to get back into it.

[smackie9]

You can't get blood out of a stone. That's how introverts communicate...they ignore you, and I bet money on it it's her way of saying get lost. You can't force someone to act they way you want them too. Leave her alone. If she reaches out, then you are good, if she doesn't move on because there is nothing anyone can do to make her.

[Gretchen12]

She actually doesn't sound functional. How does she even hold down a job when she goes week without being able to interact with human beings?

I'm telling you this is selective. I'm am introvert but I have no problems communicating and having relationships. And when I do need down time, my phone is OFF. What's this business of checking her phone when she wants to be alone? That's fake. Don't be surprised to find out she CAN reply to the right guy.

Either she has more serious mental issues or she's feeding you a lot of BS. In any case, stop blaming yourself. You've been conditioned into this.

[Kelliousme]

I'm really curious as to how you "messed up". Like did you say something inappropriate? Or you were being too pushy and said something mean to her?

 

Honestly if you did lash out on her, I don't blame you. I don't think anyone wants to deal with someone like her. There's a difference between being an introvert and being mentally unstable. She ignores you and would go days without talking or interacting with people.. that's quite worrying because like others had said here, how the hell is she going to hold a job and function normally out in the real world when she's not in "solitude"?

 

I was and still am an introvert. I hate large groups of people. I hate socializing unless I have to. I love staying at home and I definitely need alone time (perhaps a few hours a day alone). However, I still respond to people and friends whenever they talk to me. This girl you speak of is on a whole different level. She has mental issues and sounds depressed to me.

 

Sure, right now you can deal with it and look past her problems because you're really infatuated with her. But seriously.. is this what you want to deal with? She doesn't sound functional enough to give you what you want in a relationship. I don't even think she's fit to be in a relationship. So.. I'm sorry but I also advice you to give up on her.

[ripple89]

So she's essentially implied to you the way she likes to do things. She wants to take her time responding to all texts. You will hear some people say give this up on LS however, if you want to keep on pursuing this girl, don't expect her to change her ways anytime soon. She will be like this a few months from now. Ask yourself, can you put up with this? You can lead a horse to hay but you can't make her eat.

 

 

The truth is it is difficult to put up with it, but it is definitely worth the wait. She is an amazing person. She likes me too, she did till that fiasco happened. I am just hoping that whatever little time we spent together will make her miss me eventually.

[ripple89]

You are being pushy & disrespecting her. Her time is her own. It is not yours. You are some guy she is texting with you. You are not even her BF.

 

If you want this to work back off. Stop demanding that she proceed at your accelerated pace & on your time table. Do not speak to her / text her every day. That is too much for her. Every other day or every third day. Try to get her to see you at least once per week even if it's just to study.

 

I do not think you are compatible because you are demanding more of her then she can give. That is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

Thank you for some real advice. I'm actually keeping my distance now. My timeline and priorities cannot really dictate her mood, because we were getting serious, but not there yet so....

[ripple89]

Apologizing for this many things decreases your attractiveness in her eyes anyway. There is no point in apologizing for texting too fast. She's at home texting her few girlfriends mentioning how weird you are. So - the only way to go from here is to be a cool customer.

 

 

Thanks for the advice

[d0nnivain]

Thank you for some real advice. I'm actually keeping my distance now. My timeline and priorities cannot really dictate her mood, because we were getting serious, but not there yet so....

 

You're welcome. But I don't get it. You say you were getting serious. I didn't even realize you were dating.

[ripple89]

You can't get blood out of a stone. That's how introverts communicate...they ignore you, and I bet money on it it's her way of saying get lost. You can't force someone to act they way you want them too. Leave her alone. If she reaches out, then you are good, if she doesn't move on because there is nothing anyone can do to make her.

 

 

She has clarified on multiple occasions that I shouldn't take the mood swings personally. It's not that she's socially awkward, she's amazing when she opens up, but I've read a lot about introverts online, apparently they do ration out their time so that they don't end up hurting the people they like.

[clia]

I don't think this has much to do with her being an introvert; it just sounds like she isn't interested in you.

 

You say you've been texting her on and off for two months -- have you ever actually been out on a date with her?

[ripple89]

She actually doesn't sound functional. How does she even hold down a job when she goes week without being able to interact with human beings?

I'm telling you this is selective. I'm am introvert but I have no problems communicating and having relationships. And when I do need down time, my phone is OFF. What's this business of checking her phone when she wants to be alone? That's fake. Don't be surprised to find out she CAN reply to the right guy.

Either she has more serious mental issues or she's feeding you a lot of BS. In any case, stop blaming yourself. You've been conditioned into this.

 

 

There is a cultural backdrop to this as well. She's from the Maldives.

 

 

The phone checking thing like I said, she replies to me "I'm busy now, we'll talk later" and disappears, which is an indicator she is in her shell rn.

 

 

I blame myself because what I did was absolutely unnecessary especially when things were getting on track and getting better.

[ripple89]

{snip} I was and still am an introvert. I hate large groups of people. I hate socializing unless I have to. I love staying at home and I definitely need alone time (perhaps a few hours a day alone). However, I still respond to people and friends whenever they talk to me. This girl you speak of is on a whole different level. She has mental issues and sounds depressed to me.

 

Sure, right now you can deal with it and look past her problems because you're really infatuated with her. But seriously.. is this what you want to deal with? She doesn't sound functional enough to give you what you want in a relationship. I don't even think she's fit to be in a relationship. So.. I'm sorry but I also advice you to give up on her.

 

You could be right. Could be. But her behavior so far has been in line with just introversion, yeah a bit on the high end. I wouldn't call it depression.

 

She is good in doing her academics though.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ripple89]

You're welcome. But I don't get it. You say you were getting serious. I didn't even realize you were dating.

 

 

Like I've mentioned before, there's a cultural difference as well. She's from Maldives. Dating isn't as forward over there being a conservative nation.

[ExpatInItaly]

So you have never been on a date with her?

[Lotsgoingon]

You asked if she even liked you and she said she didn't know.

 

Game over right there.

 

You can keep pursuing her if you want, but I think you're confusing introversion ... with disinterest.

 

This woman is not interested (ambivalent at best) and introverted. An introvert can reply to texts quickly ... and stay in contact with people they date. They just don't want to go to a lot of parties with groups of people.

 

She said she doesn't know if she's interested and has gone two weeks without talking to you.

 

I don't see how this turns out well for you.

[introverted1]

Ugh.

 

I am so tired of seeing introversion being blamed for anti-social behavior, or bad manners, or disinterest!

 

As an introvert, I can tell you that, yes, I like some alone time in which to recharge, but i don't play games via text, get mad at invisible transgressions, or withhold time/attention as punishment. When I'm interested in someone, he knows and I am a communicative partner.

 

Whatever is going on with this girl has nothing to do with introversion, imo.

[basil67]

I agree that this isn't about introversion. She's either got some serious mental health issues or really just doesn't care about you that much. The stuff she says about needing lots of space is exactly the type of BS line I'd give someone who was pestering me for responses for messages. Stop using labels to excuse her behaviour and simply consider whether or not her interest is enough for you. (hint: it shouldn't be enough and you'd be wise to move on)

 

Lastly, that threat you sent about her disrespecting you....no matter if she was an introvert or extrovert - it was a completely unacceptable move on your part. If someone doesn't respond as you'd like, you quietly move on. But getting aggressive to someone would be a bad look no matter who they are.

 

Given that it appears she didn't particularly want you in her life, I doubt she's going to miss you. I know it sounds harsh, but it happens to all of us at one stage or another.

[kendahke]

The stuff she says about needing lots of space is exactly the type of BS line I'd give someone who was pestering me for responses for messages.

 

I dare say this is exactly what has gone on. OP won't take the hint and keeps pushing. Perhaps she just needs to unzip the lizard on him for him to get that she doesn't want to be bothered.

[guest569]

I wonder what this huge mistakes were.

 

Anyhow.. How often would you ideally like to communicate with her? A few daily texts? Every second day? Weekly?