Relationship troubles because of my dog

[GoreSP]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months.

I have a 2 year old dog I adopted with my ex (who is not longer in the picture).

 

He always said he was 'not a dog person' but about one month and a half ago he finally told me he 'couldn't stand my dog'. He is pretty much disgusted by them (like I have a couch blanket he said he refuses to use because he has seen her sleep on it). I started training her to sleep in the living room becuse he was having trouble sleeping when she was in the bedroom.

I know his family has owned dogs in the past and his mother once told me she thought he liked dogs. He once told me he loved his family dogs s I'm starting to think the issue is with my dog specifically?

 

I'm trying to understand his perspective because obviously I'm an insane dog person and follow more dog pages than people on facebook so it's hard for me to even imagine it is possible to dislike dogs.

 

I know there has been a lot of posts about this in the past but they usually involved dogs that were not very well trained and I take my dog's training very seriously.

I walk her every morning and practice basic training for part of her meal and the other part she gets in a frozen puzzle because a trainer told me mental stimulation is also important.

 

I'm lucky that my parents are retired so she gets at least a quick walk while I'm away at work and I walk her after work as well and she gets her second meal in a pear shaped thing she has to wobble to get food from.

 

She spends on average one day per week in a puppy daycare so she can play around all day and I take her to dog parks on week ends.

 

I'm starting advanced obedience classes next week and will be doing a therapy dog course and certification next Summer.

 

Now she isn't perfect and I've admitedly put her training on hold this summer but picked it up again when bf said he was having trouble with her behaviour.

 

She still jumps on people when they come in and barks if I try to restrain er so she doesn't jump.

 

She is a bit reactive to other dogs (which is what one of my advanced obedience classes will tackle).

 

I refuse to train her to be, well, more like a cat, and just be quiet in her corner all the time so she pretty much gets run of the house except when I'm not home (she is then restricted to the living room and kitchen)

That being said, as I am typing this she is sleeping on the couch next to me and is usually quiet when the excitement of the new person showing up is passed.

 

Anyhow she is still a dog and does dog stuff. She sheds. She licks. She begs for food (well I've trained her to look at me to get her treat so she basically stares at us for food)

My boyfriend left my place super upset earlier this week because he was trying to do yoga and she was bothering him. He ended up locking her up in the bedroom and I ended up joining her so she doesn't cry or bark and distrub his yoga more. He still seems very upset by the whole thing and said he had to 'accept my nature that is different than his' (I should find out what this means tomorrow...)

 

Anyhow. We're at a crossroads. I feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can to make the dog more manageable for him but it feels like it's still problematic. We are supposed to have a talk tomorrow and I feel like this will be a make it or break it conversation.

 

Anyone have wisdom to share? (I'm especially looking for perspectives from people who dislike dogs to better understand his perspective)

Edited November 18, 2018 by GoreSP

[Veronica73]

This isn’t the perspective you’re looking for, but I’d always choose my dog over some guy. And you sound like a good dog owner. Hardly any dog is perfectly behaved and they are all growing and changing just like people are.

[elaine567]

He hates the dog because you got the dog with your ex.

He will never like your dog and he will not rest until you get rid of her..

[basil67]

Hi Gore, I can't really help much with the boyfriend but I do have a couple of dog training ideas which may help your last two issues of jumping and being reactive to other dogs.

 

With the jumping, I was taught to turn my back to to my dog when he jumps. Give no response to him at all. Not talking, not pushing him away...just turn my back pretend he's not there. If he tries to go around me, I keep my back to him. When he stops jumping, you turn and pet him. If he starts to jump again as soon as you turn to pet him, then turn your back again. Rinse and repeat. Importantly, every single person who comes in your home must do this training. If someone says (and they will) "oh, it's OK I love dogs" be firm and explain that you're training him. This technique worked really quickly.

 

Being reactive to other dogs...does he get angry when another dog rushes at him to "play"? Or does he go off when he simply sees another dog? The first one is him doing a perfectly normal reaction to a dog who has appalling manners. If it's the second one, then it's fear based. I can talk through either of these a bit further with you if you want.

[GoreSP]

He hates the dog because you got the dog with your ex.

He will never like your dog and he will not rest until you get rid of her..

 

Interesting idea. Which would be quite hypocritycal seeing as he has two kids....

 

 

Hi Gore, I can't really help much with the boyfriend but I do have a couple of dog training ideas which may help your last two issues of jumping and being reactive to other dogs.

 

With the jumping, I was taught to turn my back to to my dog when he jumps. Give no response to him at all. Not talking, not pushing him away...just turn my back pretend he's not there. If he tries to go around me, I keep my back to him. When he stops jumping, you turn and pet him. If he starts to jump again as soon as you turn to pet him, then turn your back again. Rinse and repeat. Importantly, every single person who comes in your home must do this training. If someone says (and they will) "oh, it's OK I love dogs" be firm and explain that you're training him. This technique worked really quickly.

 

Being reactive to other dogs...does he get angry when another dog rushes at him to "play"? Or does he go off when he simply sees another dog? The first one is him doing a perfectly normal reaction to a dog who has appalling manners. If it's the second one, then it's fear based. I can talk through either of these a bit further with you if you want.

 

Thanks! I already know the ignoring the jumping bit. She doesn't really jump on me anymore but still jumps on other people so I'll make sure they do it too.

 

When she sees another dog, she goes off but looks like she wants to play. However, if we let her greet the dog she jumps on him. She only does this on a leash and is fine off leash.

I started desensitivitation with dogs that live around the corner (they tend to be in their backyard when I do my morning walk) and keep her at a distance where she knows they are there but I can still keep her attention on me and reward.

I do it when I can on our walks.

[elaine567]

Interesting idea. Which would be quite hypocritycal seeing as he has two kids....

 

Yes, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

[preraph]

Look, you can't keep the guy because you can't trust him alone with your dog. There was a guy one street over a few years ago. I kept returning this german shepherd to their duplex. The guy was never happy about it. Finally I caught the woman coming home and told her her dog was always out and the guy who lived there never seemed happy when I returned it. She said he doesn't like the dog. He was letting the dog out trying to get rid of it. But I and others kept returning it.

 

 

If a person can't love a dog - they can't love anybody! Dogs are the easiest creatures to get along with. Your bf has no tolerance whatever and he has no empathy for you and doesn't care that YOU LOVE this dog. Your bf is a jerk. Your dog is an angel. Don't EVER give up a pet for a man!! You will never be able to trust this guy with your dog. He will always be angling to get rid of it. He may even hurt it and abuse it. Right now he's abusing you by hating something you LOVE and it doesn't speak well to his character.

[buffalo]

Don't EVER give up a pet for a man!! You will never be able to trust this guy with your dog. He will always be angling to get rid of it. He may even hurt it and abuse it. Right now he's abusing you by hating something you LOVE and it doesn't speak well to his character.

 

This times 1,000...find a relationship that better aligns with your moral values.

[GoreSP]

Ugh I guess I should mention giving up the dog is not an option, nor has he asked me to : we did have a talk about that.

He also realizes she is two and said he understands I might want another dog when she is gone (which is another discussion, but meh).

 

 

I am worried about preraph's german sheppard story though :/

[elaine567]

Ugh I guess I should mention giving up the dog is not an option, nor has he asked me to : we did have a talk about that.

He also realizes she is two and said he understands I might want another dog when she is gone (which is another discussion, but meh).

 

 

I am worried about preraph's german sheppard story though :/

 

 

Who mentions the possibility of their dog being "gone" to a dog owner?

I guess a Freudian slip...

[brigit87]

<SNIP>

Anyhow. We're at a crossroads. I feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can to make the dog more manageable for him but it feels like it's still problematic. We are supposed to have a talk tomorrow and I feel like this will be a make it or break it conversation.

 

Anyone have wisdom to share? (I'm especially looking for perspectives from people who dislike dogs to better understand his perspective)

 

Get rid of the boyfriend. He sounds like a psychopath.

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

If you two were sharing money, he'd be complaining about how expensive the dog is, not wanting you to take it to the vet, complaining that you can't go anywhere because you have a dog without boarding it. It's going to be pick, pick, pick. If he had a dog and still doesn't like them, sorry, I just think that's a big red flag as to who he is inside.

[Gretchen12]

I'm sorry, the boyfriend has to go. At least no more yoga at your house.

[BluEyeL]

You have to kindly tell him he’s either all in, or out. You will have to also be all in with his kids.

 

I wasn’t a dog person and I was also disgusted with what was happening in my now husband’s house re to dogs . But I was all in and we worked it out . A few compromises from him, a few from me, and now I a dog person and I love the dogs although my house will never be clean again like it used to be. If he doesn’t want to adapt with this, he will not want to work things out with other things.

[NuevoYorko]

He doesn't live with you? He can do his yoga at his own house. That said, even though I have 3 dogs of my own I would not want them in my space while I was doing yoga. They are relegated to the mud room, where they chill quietly, during those times.

 

Maybe you can put your dog in a crate, on a bed in a designated area, or something like that during certain periods when you want to spend time with your BF without the involvement of the dog. As a dog lover myself, I still have plenty of times when I appreciate having space from them. They don't come in the kitchen; that's a no dog zone. I dislike them staring at me while I'm eating. They are required to be in their own space when I'm working on the computer or watching a movie with someone, for example. (If I'm watching the movie by myself they are all over me).

 

Maybe he's a jerk, or maybe you can establish more "relationship friendly" boundaries with your dog.

[preraph]

Go find you a nice man at the dog park.

[rightondude]

do you really want to be with a dude who doesn't like your dog? That is kind of a pre-requisite. It's really that simple.

[Gaeta]

You've only been dating 4 months, he doesn't mean much to you yet, time to move on. You'll have your dog for the next 13-14-15 years and it deserves better, you bet the dog knows she is not accepted by the boyfriend, it's unfair to impose on her someone that rejects her.

[MidwestUSA]

You've only been dating 4 months, he doesn't mean much to you yet, time to move on. You'll have your dog for the next 13-14-15 years and it deserves better, you bet the dog knows she is not accepted by the boyfriend, it's unfair to impose on her someone that rejects her.

 

Dogs know when they meet a non dog human. I used my dogs to screen dates. They were 100% accurate. They weeded out the jerks and saved me a lot of time.

[guest569]

To say he can't stand the dog is pretty strong and hurtful. Do we know exactly why though?

 

Did she jump on and bark at your boyfriend when she first met him? I love dogs but I was a little frightened when I first met my exes dog. Soon after though when I saw he was a gentle giant and sweet Teddy bear. All was well. Although dogs and partners can get jealous of each other initially. I'm wondering if that comes into it. In my case the dog was jealous. Your partner seems a bit put out. does the dog like him?

 

Personally I hate being stared at while I eat, and I would never use a blanket that dog or cat uses. They're smelly, dirty, shedding animals. Mind you, I've always had indoor/outdoor pets so they are filthy. But I like to have my own time and space sometimes. I never let dogs on the furniture.

 

Has he scheduled this talk? Or you?

 

If conversation steers towards the dog, ask clearly why exactly he can't stand the dog. Find out what it would take for this to work and decide if you are willing or able to make any compromises. Don't throw in the towel just yet, need to know what is going on with him.

[GoreSP]

To say he can't stand the dog is pretty strong and hurtful. Do we know exactly why though?

 

As far as I can tell, just for being a dog (drooling, shedding, requiring attention, digs in the backyard ect. Though my dog doesn't actually shed and drool that much compared to other dogs.)

 

He has mentioned being worried because of the kids but since then we have introduced the kids to the dog and even he agreed it went better than expected.

 

She gets a bit over excited when people come in and gets a bit jumpy. She has not jumped on kids though (not just his kids but cousins' etc. We do keep a close watch on her around the kids and I kept her leashed the first 5 minutes his 2 year old came in but she seems to be less excitable around smaller humans in general)

 

He was not mean to her though. Like he would suggest we would go on walks with her, he smokes so he would take her outside with him ect. He'd pet her once she had calmed down.

 

Has he scheduled this talk? Or you?

 

We agreed last Wednesday that we would talk but he said he needed a day or two so we were supposed to talk Friday.

 

I didn't hear from him until Saturday: I texted saying I had hoped we would have gotten a chance to talk by now and felt he was ghosting me. He replied saying I was right the he should have texted me earlier and suggested we see each other tonight.

I said OK.

 

I texted him good night last night and still haven't heard from him so I supposed I'm officially being ghosted.

 

As far as I'm concerned we're done.

[GoreSP]

 

Maybe he's a jerk, or maybe you can establish more "relationship friendly" boundaries with your dog.

 

I tried a few things. Like I started training her to sleep on the couch every night (as opposed to locking her out of the bedroom), I signed up for more advanced obedience classes but everything was full until next week.

I thought her to be on her bed when I eat (all the time, even though I'm very comfortable eating on the couch with her lying on my lap).

 

I feel like he was hoping I would give her up and gets pissy now that he realizes I'm not going to regardless of all the efforts I've been putting in to manage her.

[MidwestUSA]

I feel like he was hoping I would give her up and gets pissy now that he realizes I'm not going to regardless of all the efforts I've been putting in to manage her.

 

 

Your answer lies right there. Instead of appreciating that you're doing everything you can to keep your dog from being unruly (and she's still young enough to accomplish a lot, IIRC), he gets pissy.

 

Wait until you have children that you can't control 100% of the time.

[Juha]

Seems like you are bending over backwards to make this work with him over the issue of your dog.

 

I think it's just not a good match since he hates dogs or maybe just your dog so much.

 

He does not seem like he cares or is that into you if he is making such a big stink about your dog.

 

Think you could do much better for a BF...

 

If he is ghosting you he's doing you the favor and it shows you the type of person he is.

 

I wish you luck

[preraph]

There are guys so insecure that they are literally jealous of their women's pets. Don't know if that's the case but the fact he's ghosting you now suggest so.