Jump to content

did i friendzone myself?? (long text)


muffintopmountain

Recommended Posts

muffintopmountain

so last week i went on a date with this girl, got little too excited over text. did i MAKE her friendzone me or was this bound to happen? i mean i'm just speaking my mind on text and if she was receptive she wouldn't have friendzoned me, no? the date went great too, first date but we kissed n held hands n stuff.

 

her : Thank you for today. It was so nice to meet you!

 

me : Likewise

me : Ill probably miss u lol

me : *definitely

me : I feel insecure. Can u tell me something definitive? Lol

 

her : Sorry i fell asleep on the train

 

me : Nicr

me : Nice*

 

her : Still not home

 

me : Im still drunk

me : thats what u get for stayin out late

 

her : Emoticons

 

me : Wtf? Lol

me : Lets meet again soon i truly like u i wont screw this up

 

her : I’d like to see you again. But I have to be honest with you. I have too much to work through before giving anyone my heart.

 

me : I can help u work on that

 

her : It’s like this last relationship took something from me. It would be unfair to pursue something in my state

 

me : U call the shots

me : What do u want?

me : I know im messed up too

 

her : I just dont want to be like this anymore.

me : But i know theres hope

 

me : Like what

 

her : I can’t give anyone a million broken pieces

her : This is ****ed up

 

me : I saw beauty in u

me : Lol i was blinded :cheese:

me : Uhgggg im drunk lo

me : Lol

me : Ima call u lol

me : No?

me : Ill let u be. Sorry

 

 

her : Just got home

her : Let’s talk tomorrow :)

 

me : Thank you

me : Good night

(bit of small talk here)

me : I wanna give you my best. I hope you give me a chance

 

her : You’re an amazing guy

 

me : U too

me : An amazing girl

 

her : I am just not ready for to give anyone my heart atm

 

me : So its a no..

me : U dont have to be ready. Id like to believe in miracles lol

me : U saw me. Im not ready either. Sometimes we need help

me : Give it a chance please. I know something really good can come out of this. I believe it.

me :(next morning) ...im sorry i was drunk. We'll take it slow

 

her : Hope you slept well

her : I can be your friend but I don’t want to give you the idea that it’s more than that. I’m not ready and you aren’t either.

 

me : I want it to be more than that and i think in time it should be

me : I felt happy. I want more of that. Id like to think i made you happy too..

 

her : Yes it was a great day but I have to be in love for this to be more

her : And my heart just won’t allow anyone in yet

her : So i am not goin to waste your time

Link to post
Share on other sites

So you should never talk about how you were drunk or how you were insecure. Although it is unfair, it tells the woman you aren't man enough to keep your emotions under control whether you wanted to imply that or not. Rinse, repeat, try again. Manliness and confidence is the order of the day. Literally saying you were insecure is one of the worst things you can say. Her responses were a smoothed over version of "no thanks".

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

she just rejected you at "I have too much to work through....."

 

 

 

That's when you should have shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yes you got waaaaaaaaaaay too excited. Should have not texted her...gave it a day or two and simply asked her out again, keeping things easy and casual...no pressure.

 

 

She rejected you several times and you were like a dog jumping up her leg licking at her face.....tone it down.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It hurt reading that... Even if you weren't crazy desperate at that moment, you certainty sounded like you were. It's like in real life (non texts), having a social filter to stop things like "im drunk" "im insecure" is good. If anything, the filter can tone down when you know someone very well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
muffintopmountain

so those little lines- 'i'll miss you, i like you, give me a chance' is enough to turn a girl off? i've had girls text me the same stuff! (cept for the give me a chance. yeh i was super drunk...)

 

she did blow me kisses across the table and stuff tho, before kissing and all that. and before we met we were already role playing as couples on text. i feel like either i screwed up majorly or, i got played...

 

 

she just rejected you at "I have too much to work through....."

 

 

 

That's when you should have shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yes you got waaaaaaaaaaay too excited. Should have not texted her...gave it a day or two and simply asked her out again, keeping things easy and casual...no pressure.

 

 

She rejected you several times and you were like a dog jumping up her leg licking at her face.....tone it down.

Edited by muffintopmountain
Link to post
Share on other sites

you don't get a free ticket to say the same stuff women do in the dating game unfortunately. Women who text you that stuff are probably a little insecure themselves. This relationship is a dead end my friend.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

She was already decided before the text and then you basically went on a rant of all the reasons she should not date you. You're trying to sell yourself and you basically said, I'm the worst model, I'll break down, I have cheap plastic parts but I sure have a nice new paint job! Who's going to buy that? Would you? I mean getting a girl to feel sorry for you through self-deprecation is not the way to go about it. Dumping all of your flaws in a text convo after a first date will never, ever, ever work. Hell, if it did work how would you ever have any respect for her anyway?

 

 

The way to handle it was when she said she had a lot of work to do, just reply, "Well, good luck. I hope you do get it worked out. It was nice to meet you". End the conversation.

 

 

It was her brush off, nothing you can do. You save dignity and gain confidence and she will see that and not the groveling and begging from someone she rejected, multiple times in multiple ways I might add. Anyone that goes on a date and after says anything to the effect of, "I'm not ready..." or "I have so many things going on..." should immediately be discarded the moment they drop it...What they are saying is I am literally going on dates because I am not ready to date.

 

 

What you did, just don't ever do it again. You weren't friend zoned, you were stranger zoned.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
muffintopmountain

Chatroomhero, and others, thank u so much for your keen insight. We talked online a bit before the meet and she was OVERLY affectionate thru the date- making future date plans, telling me i look cute ect ect, blowing me kisses across the table... And then after couple drinks, something triggered her and she cried, and then hurridly left, but not before a goodbye kiss.

 

I know her ex was abusive. Maybe she hadnt gotten over him and a date made her realize that? Or maybe she just didnt like me enough. But that over the top affection!

 

Either way, im beginning to feel like i got played, and whatever i said in text didnt matter, like chatroomhero said.

Link to post
Share on other sites
so last week i went on a date with this girl, got little too excited over text. did i MAKE her friendzone me or was this bound to happen? i mean i'm just speaking my mind on text and if she was receptive she wouldn't have friendzoned me, no? the date went great too, first date but we kissed n held hands n stuff.

 

her : Thank you for today. It was so nice to meet you!

 

me : Likewise

me : Ill probably miss u lol

me : *definitely

me : I feel insecure. Can u tell me something definitive? Lol

 

her : Sorry i fell asleep on the train

 

me : Nicr

me : Nice*

 

her : Still not home

 

me : Im still drunk

me : thats what u get for stayin out late

 

her : Emoticons

 

me : Wtf? Lol

me : Lets meet again soon i truly like u i wont screw this up

 

her : I’d like to see you again. But I have to be honest with you. I have too much to work through before giving anyone my heart.

 

me : I can help u work on that

 

her : It’s like this last relationship took something from me. It would be unfair to pursue something in my state

 

me : U call the shots

me : What do u want?

me : I know im messed up too

 

her : I just dont want to be like this anymore.

me : But i know theres hope

 

me : Like what

 

her : I can’t give anyone a million broken pieces

her : This is ****ed up

 

me : I saw beauty in u

me : Lol i was blinded :cheese:

me : Uhgggg im drunk lo

me : Lol

me : Ima call u lol

me : No?

me : Ill let u be. Sorry

 

 

her : Just got home

her : Let’s talk tomorrow :)

 

me : Thank you

me : Good night

(bit of small talk here)

me : I wanna give you my best. I hope you give me a chance

 

her : You’re an amazing guy

 

me : U too

me : An amazing girl

 

her : I am just not ready for to give anyone my heart atm

 

me : So its a no..

me : U dont have to be ready. Id like to believe in miracles lol

me : U saw me. Im not ready either. Sometimes we need help

me : Give it a chance please. I know something really good can come out of this. I believe it.

me :(next morning) ...im sorry i was drunk. We'll take it slow

 

her : Hope you slept well

her : I can be your friend but I don’t want to give you the idea that it’s more than that. I’m not ready and you aren’t either.

 

me : I want it to be more than that and i think in time it should be

me : I felt happy. I want more of that. Id like to think i made you happy too..

 

her : Yes it was a great day but I have to be in love for this to be more

her : And my heart just won’t allow anyone in yet

her : So i am not goin to waste your time

 

It was a cute text conversation. You didn't mess anything up by the texting. She's just not ready now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
you don't get a free ticket to say the same stuff women do in the dating game unfortunately. Women who text you that stuff are probably a little insecure themselves. This relationship is a dead end my friend.

 

You're a mind reader. I was following this thread and thinking "No fair." My lady of interest spilled her feelings out by text at length, and very early in our exchanges. I wasn't coaxing anything out of her. She essentially put me on the pedestal for a flip on the traditional roles. Yet, hmmm; I didn't friend zone her. Nor would I.

 

BTW, we're both over 55. i.e. I can go 2 weeks, not 2 days, without contacting her and neither of us are having a heart attack or chewing our finger nails about it. "Do no harm." Go with the flow.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol

Sounds like excuses to reject you w/out sounding like a rejection. She is not interested in you. Speaking from experience, do not wait around or beg, that'll get you nowhere fast. She isn't worth the effort and will never be ready for you. Been there, had that done to me and wish that I just cut all contact instead of getting hurt. No one who genuinely calls you amazing will drop you like that. There are many girls out there and one will want to be w/you. Don't feel bad about the begging, I've done that as well, just don't keep asking. Stop contacting her and date other girls.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
muffintopmountain
Chatroomhero, and others, thank u so much for your keen insight. We talked online a bit before the meet and she was OVERLY affectionate thru the date- making future date plans, telling me i look cute ect ect, blowing me kisses across the table... And then after couple drinks, something triggered her and she cried, and then hurridly left, but not before a goodbye kiss.

 

I know her ex was abusive. Maybe she hadnt gotten over him and a date made her realize that? Or maybe she just didnt like me enough. But that over the top affection!

 

 

i can handle rejection. have plenty of times. but this one's different because she pretty much CHOKED me with her affection in person. i was smitten. granted she was already doing that online before we met but... i mean why act like these through the whole date then flip the switch off?

 

seriously, ive gone on countless dates, 2 major exs thru online and this date was like a fairy tale- instant chemistry. even everyone around us thought we were couples (bunch of clerks and servers, lol)

 

if i didn't do anything wrong on text, i have to consider that i got PLAYED.

 

which does make me get over the rejection waaay easier.

Edited by muffintopmountain
Link to post
Share on other sites
Chatroomhero, and others, thank u so much for your keen insight. We talked online a bit before the meet and she was OVERLY affectionate thru the date- making future date plans, telling me i look cute ect ect, blowing me kisses across the table... And then after couple drinks, something triggered her and she cried, and then hurridly left, but not before a goodbye kiss.

 

I know her ex was abusive. Maybe she hadnt gotten over him and a date made her realize that? Or maybe she just didnt like me enough. But that over the top affection!

 

Either way, im beginning to feel like i got played, and whatever i said in text didnt matter, like chatroomhero said.

 

The way I read the story, she was initially keen and then, as you say, something triggered her. It could have been something you said or did. Or not.

 

Those texts certainly did you no favours, but I do think she switched off before you started texting.

 

Why do you think she played you? Getting enthusiastic on a first date and then something going pear shaped isn't the definition of playing someone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This girl is not interested, OP.

 

She hoped you'd take the hint the first time she mentioned not being able to give her heart to anyone. You kept pushing the issue, so she had to then tell you in several different ways that she didn't want to go out again.

 

Your texts were cringey and desperate-sounding, but they weren't what caused her to turn down another date. She'd already decided before you got persistent.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
muffintopmountain

yes even in my drunken state i think i sensed that something turned off in her in person so that's why i was so needy on text right after she left.

 

it was a 10hr date, btw. everything was going great- taking selfies together, touchy feely, compliments, making future date plans toward the end, blowing kisses across the table, and then after the first bottle of wine, we both got a little moody, and she started crying.

 

i then held her hand, asking her to stay with me for the night.

 

she said she will just go home.

 

kiss before the bus.

 

and then the text.

 

she was talking about her ex a little before because we were sitting by where one incident happened to her with him.

 

its really my fault that i got so drunk, because i can't figure it out with my hazy memory where she turned off. i think it's right as she cried.

 

i mean that much enthusiasm overall should've been a guaranteed 2nd date, or even start of a relationship.

 

apologies for being obsessive about this but i'm actually rather realistic. it's just that this date was the most unrealistic one i've ever been on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MaleIntuition

Ouch, that was a bit painful to read.

 

You didn’t ”friendzone” yourself - you scared her away. All this emotional stuffs early on is simply to much, you forced her to make a decision right there and then, while simultaneously telling her that you aren’t very popular with the ladies.

 

You had a good first date, and she texted you a thanks for the date - great! Next time that happens simply respond that you also had a good time and then wait. There are no guarantees that things would have turned out differently, but your chances would have been better if you had been more patient.

 

First couple of dates should be fun! Don’t proclaim your love after one date.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MaleIntuition

With the new information I will have to retract my statement. That didn’t sound like a good first date. She is not over her ex and at best is looking for an emotional rebound.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thing is, girls get a free pass for being overly needy sometimes. Whenever I had someone start off will self-depreciation, it was a major turn off. I've decided long ago that I wasn't going to waste my life on someone who would guilt me.

 

Try not to get that crazy drunk on a first date too. That too is a turn off for quite a few women I know unless you two just wanted a one night stand.

You don't say much about what triggered her, so heck, if anything, maybe you being drunk reminded her of her ex. You can't even remember your first date clearly...

Try to have a little more self-control at the start of a relationship, it won't hurt.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The heck? Why were you both moody and why was she crying on your date?

 

It doesn't sound like a great date. It sounds like you both got sloppy when you were drunk and she is still emotionally attached to her ex.

 

Next time, don't go for hours-long first dates with selfies. It creates a false sense of intimacy when you barely even know the person. Limit the booze on dates, too. It's not a recipe for success.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
muffintopmountain

I know. i broke a lot of protocols with this one

 

The crying happened because i got moody and she says my eyes are sad, i let out a little frown face, and THEN she started crying. Then i hold her hand ask her to stay with tonite but she hurries home.

 

And then the sudden coldness.

 

Im just a slob when im drunk, i know that.

 

So me being unattractive + her crying trigger+ the texting combined i think is the reason..

 

It was going soooo well before that too. I guess sometimes it just isnt meant to be :(

 

Thats y i think she was playing it. Because she was FORCING it to make us seem like something, because shes trying to get over her ex.

 

The crying still gets me tho. I thought we had a moment of deep connection.

Edited by muffintopmountain
Link to post
Share on other sites
The crying happened because i got moody (im not in the best place in my life either) and she says my eyes are sad, i let out a little frown face, and THEN she started crying. Then i hold her hand ask her to stay with tonite but she hurries home.
What do you mean by this, exactly? What were you talking about?

 

Asking her to stay the night on a first date isn't a great idea, either.

 

The crying still gets me tho. I thought we had a moment of deep connection.
Eh, not when you don't know the person. It sounds like she was triggered but it was something to do with her, not with how she feeling about you or your own bad state in life. Drunk people are the worst when it comes to emotions. It doesn't take much to open the flood-gates, usually. Don't read into overly-emotional moments when they're fuelled by alcohol.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
muffintopmountain

Thank you expat. So true.

 

Well we werent talking much, just staring at eachother.

 

Then she broke the silence by 'you have sad eyes.'

 

i mightve cried a little at that. Im not in the happiest place in my life either and alcohol brought that out. And then she let out some big tears

 

I have a rule- no more than 3 beers on a date but i broke it cuz it felt like we were already coupling up. Plus, it was wine which i dont have the experience to control..

 

 

 

 

What do you mean by this, exactly? What were you talking about?

 

Asking her to stay the night on a first date isn't a great idea, either.

 

Eh, not when you don't know the person. It sounds like she was triggered but it was something to do with her, not with how she feeling about you or your own bad state in life. Drunk people are the worst when it comes to emotions. It doesn't take much to open the flood-gates, usually. Don't read into overly-emotional moments when they're fuelled by alcohol.

Edited by muffintopmountain
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you expat. So true.

 

Well we werent talking much, just staring at eachother.

 

Then she broke the silence by 'you have sad eyes.'

 

i mightve cried a little at that. Im not in the happiest place in my life either and alcohol brought that out. And then she let out some big tears

 

I have a rule- no more than 3 beers on a date but i broke it cuz it felt like we were already coupling up. Plus, it was wine which i dont have the experience to control..

 

Given that neither of you are in a particularly good place at the moment, she was exactly right to walk away. I mean, it started like a great date and ended up being the date from hell.

 

And referring to your previous comment...she wasn't forcing anything. She went out and had a great time to start with. Then you (and she too?) got drunk and emotional and she realised it was not the right time. And honestly, if you blame her for doing this at the wrong time, you should be sharing that blame. Don't go dating if you're in a bad time of your life and with sad eyes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you expat. So true.

 

Well we werent talking much, just staring at eachother.

 

Then she broke the silence by 'you have sad eyes.'

 

i mightve cried a little at that. Im not in the happiest place in my life either and alcohol brought that out. And then she let out some big tears

 

I have a rule- no more than 3 beers on a date but i broke it cuz it felt like we were already coupling up. Plus, it was wine which i dont have the experience to control..

 

So let's recap. You got a bit drunk...you cried...you made it clear how invested you were in her by text...you told her that you were messed up and came across as desperate and/or thirsty.

 

I don't like sexist tropes but even the most stable woman is going to look at you and find you unattractive. It's not fair, really, but early on, men have to be confident and strong. Have to be. I don't care if the woman is a Gloria Steinem feminist...she's going to want confidence and strength. There was a time when Woody Allen was a sex symbol in this world but those times are long-since passed.

 

Her telling you that she's busy is a rejection. Her telling you that she's messed up and can't give you her heart is a rejection. Her telling you that you can be a friend is a rejection. She rejected you and those excuses were comfortable lies to let you down easy. She sounds like a nice girl but really she was saying, "I'm just not enough into you to go on a second date."

 

So why was she so warm in the date? Well, we all like the fun and excitement of a first date where we feel pursued and liked. But then when you separate and ask yourself what happened, you can admit that you don't want to do it again.

 

So next time, don't drink...if your limit is 3 beers, have two. You can and (IMO) should text a woman after the date and say you had a nice time. But hold off on asking when you get to see her again until two days or better...three days later. You can text the next day but not about seeing her again.

 

Work on confidence and strength. That is the male persona that is pursued by women most often. As your relationship progresses, you can slowly lower the persona and reveal your inner turmoil (we all have it) but doing so on a first meet is too much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...