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Girlfriend 'needs space to figure out how she feels and what she wants"


JVort

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To try and make a long story short Ive been dating a woman for a bit under 3 months. We talk every day and see each other about twice a week although it is a LDR. I like her a lot and she feels the same way. Lately, we've been butting heads as we both have strong personalities. Earlier this week, I decided to come clean about a few things I hadn't disclosed. First, I borrowed her iPad and read her messages she had with her sister. I guess I was curious.

 

Obviously I was wrong so I apologized but it didn't seem to bother her. In addition, I told her a couple months ago after we were together for a few weeks I ran a background check on her to check for criminal activity, violent crimes, alcohol and drug charges etc as I have a 9 yo and Ive had drug and alcohol problems in the past. If I feel like a woman Im dating might have potential, I run a check on heir criminal past if any. The reports dont give you much more. She sorta freaked out and thought it provided CC#s and credit scores etc.

 

I explained I was protecting my myself and my daughter and this is common practice. I was just being honest. Then she dropped a bomb saying "I need space to figure things out and find out how I feel" I was pretty surprised. At first I was angry bc I didnt think background checks were a big deal but she felt violated. I did send some texts not respecting her request the past few days. My question is how do I do this? Im trying to get clarification on what she means by her statement and an idea on how long she wants to take ballpark? Weeks, Months? Its been 4 days. How long do I wait. Should I wait for her and how long is too long?

 

I will tell her about what date I am comfortable waiting until and after that I'll assume we are no longer dating. I feel like I have to put a cap on it Im comfortable with. Also, wanted to clarify during this time are we still dating? After that, I'll go no contact and give her the space she wants and stick to the plan. I know she doesn't wanna hook up with other men as I know there are always men out there to comment about that. Is she just putting off the inevitable? I assume she is digesting about the relationship and needs space to do it. Should I just pack up my **** and roll? Its just confusing. I dont know what the hell Im doing? Especially since we spoke every day for almost 3 months. Its been tough to not contact her as a result but I know its imperative. This is not making a long story short. It is what it is. Thanks for the help.

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Hi there, to be honest. I'd say the background check is weird but since you have a kid, it's okay and makes sense to do that in order to protect your child.

 

I know it's hard but you have to keep giving her space. Telling her you have a limit on how much time you'll wait will only make her feel rushed. Set your time limit and wait. Once that day comes, reach out and tell her you're done waiting and will now be moving on, with or without her.

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Did you both agree you were exclusive?

I would just move on for yourself, 3 month is a short time. If she comes back and you are still interested, cool, if not, you are already making yourself happy.

 

If they were the other parent or you were married, this would be a big issue but its a 3 month old LDR. I may sound like I am being dismissive but start looking around and see who else might be out there. If she comes back, you are in a strong place for your own happiness which is kind of important in relationships.

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Please do NOT mess around. Things are unclear right now and if you mess around without clarifying your relationship, you will just create unnecessary drama between you and her.

 

Like i said before, do not reach out until you are tired of waiting. Once you know you can't wait any longer, TELL HER you are done and would like to either continue with the relationship or move on with your life.

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That's actually incorrect. My parents took a year long "space" and have been married for 40 years. I know plenty of couples who have taken a break and done well. So you're welcome to your opinion but nevertheless youre wrong. Second, do you have a child? Has your gF met your child if you have one? Do you have problem with D&A? No to all of the above? If you research online dating its very common. Thanks for your insightful comments tho.

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My ex Fiance said the same thing. It's really the potentially the beginning of the end. Right now, it's entirely up to you on how this is dealt. I screwed up and became emotional, I pushed her away and lost her forever. My advice is do nothing.. The " illusion of action" is to chase her, beg her back, buy her flowers. Your task is to just disappear... I've said it time and time again, women are like cats.. They'll always be faster than you if you chase them, let her come back to you. If she doesn't then you know where you stand. In my case, I knew it was over the day she moved out. The engagement rings were left on my counter.

 

 

She moved away to another apartment on another side of town, basically, she had an exit strategy. I told her " you're just trying to soften the blow, let's just end it." That's me, I hate sugarcoated stuff. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to say in retrospect. Now, in your case, this may or may not be what she is trying to say. But be prepared.

 

Your **** up was doing the background check without giving her the benefit of the debt, she most likely feels violated and think's it's creepy and strange. Just a FYI, those background checks only pull convictions. It's not a full FBI NCIC hit like the police, while it may reveal citations or arrests. You may not get a full picture.

 

But this Russian girl I dated in Portland ( I made a thread about) did have a citation for speeding. Like clockwork, when I was driving around with her and my brother, she sped like a damn indy 500 car driver. So there always is a pattern to past behavior. I'm all for speed, I own a Honda CBR600RR but when a women you don't really know that well does it to impress you when drinking. Not cool.

Edited by BMWN52
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You invaded her privacy on multiple planes & she's pissed at you. She's trying to reconcile that with how much she liked you before she knew you investigated her. I don't blame you for checking about criminal background to protect your daughter but she's angry.

 

I need space is generally code for softening the blow of the break up but here she's weighing who she though you were against the guy who snooped & paid to have her investigated. When she figures out whether she can deal with what you did, you will have your answer about the future of the relationship.

 

 

Try sending her flowers with an apology & a promise not to snoop.

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She’s done. She thinks the snooping and background check is crazy for a 3 month old, long distance relationship. If she were here asking for advice on how to handle this, everyone would be advising her to end the relationship. Wait on her if you want, but I don’t see you recovering from this.

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BBD time. Consider yourselves broken up, process it out and move on. A single woman who is childless will invariably consider a man with a child to be a wobbler because the child will be the priority and women in general prefer that spot themselves. Sure some high road it but the base emotional desire to be center of attention lurks.

 

Do what you need to do to be a loving and protective father to your daughter. You're very fortunate.

 

Tip: Talk less, more actions. Don't overshare. Women are attracted to that.

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The background check is understandable, given that you have a child.

 

However, you have absolutely zero justification for reading her messages with her sister. My guess is that had you not done this first, she would not be as angry about the background check. The problem is that you set a negative precedent by violating her privacy for no reason on the ipad.

 

To her, rightly or wrongly, you appear suspicious and untrusting. She doesn't know what else you've been poking around in or trying to dig up. She doesn't know what other personal business you've been looking into. My guess is that she is probably done.

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you appear suspicious and untrusting

 

This^^^^is what's going on.

 

 

If you think it's just ok and she should be fine with it, you must be oblivious to how this sort of this effects people. We are not talking about your parents...whatever happened to them is comparing apples to oranges. You lack empathy on this. She is offended and it doesn't matter how you justify your actions, it doesn't change anything here.

 

Just another perspective: I'm going to agree with the others...most likely she is done.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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That's actually incorrect. My parents took a year long "space" and have been married for 40 years.

 

 

Good for them.

 

However, times, mores and expectations have changed a lot in 40 years---and your parents are your parents; no one else is obligated to behave like them.

 

If she's asking for space it's because you blew it with invading her privacy. There is a pre-existing reason as to why you innately reached for distrust with her and trafficked in deceit by going behind her back and reading what wasn't your business to read. Why didn't you just ask her, judge her reaction and base your conclusions on that? You'd have at least kept the higher ground.

 

And seriously? You don't have to announce to them that you're running the background check. Just do it and act accordingly with the information you get. It doesn't have to be announced.

 

Man, nothing but unforced errors on your part. I'd consider this one done and move on.

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I apologized profusely for reading the messages. Background checks on people you are considering having a relationship is common these days. So now you are left with the messages which was dead wrong. However, it was the background check that really bothered her not the messages. Its the difference between someone with a child and someone without. Clearly, I should have never shared about that which is a shame. I dont lake empathy here, I feel like this blown out of proportion. Her response isn't consummate with the infraction but perhaps it is the child thing. We just see things differently and thats ok. Lesson learned...

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we all are entitled to how we feel... and that doesn't come under the jurisdiction of anyone else's convenience.

 

 

She'll get over it--or not--when she's done with feeling this way.

Edited by kendahke
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I apologized profusely for reading the messages. Background checks on people you are considering having a relationship is common these days. So now you are left with the messages which was dead wrong. However, it was the background check that really bothered her not the messages. Its the difference between someone with a child and someone without. Clearly, I should have never shared about that which is a shame. I dont lake empathy here, I feel like this blown out of proportion. Her response isn't consummate with the infraction but perhaps it is the child thing. We just see things differently and thats ok. Lesson learned...

 

That isn't for you to determine, though. She can respond however she chooses. The same holds true for you. You might feel it's an overreaction, but she evidently doesn't agree with you. Neither of you is necessarily "right" or "wrong" in your feelings about a secret background check, but it's not for you to decide how she should have reacted, either.

 

She might well have been willing to overlook your snooping on the ipad, hoping you wouldn't do it again but keeping an eye out for any other untrusting behaviour. And in her eyes, it did happen again, in the form of a background check. You don't seem to get that she was probably on the lookout after the ipad snooping, even if she told you she would let that one slide.

 

In any event, you have learned an important lesson. Don't take liberties and go through someone's private messages, and don't feel the need to announce you've run a background check on someone. I don't get why you opted to do so. Even if a potential partner can understand why you're checking, it is still bound to make her feel awkward and under a microscope when you actually tell her you did so.

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I know she doesn't wanna hook up with other men as I know there are always men out there to comment about that.

 

You know nothing John Snow...the sexual reality of women is not the same as men's, women are actively pursued even after marriage- research has shown that most women always keep a plan B, a man they can pursue encase their current relationship fails-the guy she keeps in-touch with, rejects subtly, enough to keep him interested.

 

Girlfriend 'needs space to figure out how she feels and what she wants"

 

"what she wants" : this obviously concerns a man, you or another...she is evaluating other options, other men, she wants to be sure her back up plan is good enough before she dumps you...

 

You did nothing wrong by checking her background (if this background check was done by a single mother, the responses would have been different, even supportive...but you are a single dad, and apparently you were wrong !),she could be hiding something, the relationship is over, even if she comes back, don't take her back, you already will be a plan B

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Yes, youre right about one thing, if I was a single mother I would be applauded but since Im not Im a creepy stalker. I ran this report after a few weeks of being together. It doesn't excuse my reading her messages to her sister. But I wasn't doing it for anything other than curiosity. She isn't a man she may be speaking with. It was a stupid mistake. Curiosity got the cat and I came clean bc of it and a guilty conscience. Bad move...Obviosuly should have kept y mouth shut. Honesty not always the best policy

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However, I think your research is bull****. All women are not that way but Im sure some are. let me guess you were violated by a woman and you assume they are all breadcrumbers. Lets see this research you mention? Id love to take a look.

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Background checks on people you are considering having a relationship is common these days.

 

Is it, really? I'm a single woman with a child, and I don't think I would do a background check on a person, unless I really felt like that person was sketchy or I had a bad feeling about that person. But if I had a bad feeling about that person, I would probably just end it, not do a background check. Maybe I'm an idealist or a hopeless romantic, but it's just weird. Did you ask for her social security # to in order to do this?! God.

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People really dont understand about background checks. There are no SS#s, there are no credit card info. Its almost exclusively criminal records. That's all that Im interested in with a daughter.

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I'veseenbetterlol
When a woman "needs some space" you're done. And that background check was silly.

 

Hit the nail on the head. This line has been used on me more then once and being a dummy actually believed that. She is making excuses and trying to weasel her way out of an actual break up. Thing is if she loves you, she will do anything to be w/you.

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Op, You are an interesting fella.

 

You snoop through this woman's phone "out of curiosity" but claim you and her are in a relationship where you are both free to see others. In your other thread, you pretty much imply that you wouldn't want the other woman you are dating seeing her ex. I don't get it. You are involved with more than one woman at a time but don't seem to want the women you're seeing, seeing others.

 

Maybe you should just leave this woman alone since you have another. If she changes her mind later, she'll come back to you.

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