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Girlfriend 'needs space to figure out how she feels and what she wants"

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Old 10th November 2018, 8:43 PM   #1
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Girlfriend 'needs space to figure out how she feels and what she wants"

To try and make a long story short Ive been dating a woman for a bit under 3 months. We talk every day and see each other about twice a week although it is a LDR. I like her a lot and she feels the same way. Lately, we've been butting heads as we both have strong personalities. Earlier this week, I decided to come clean about a few things I hadn't disclosed. First, I borrowed her iPad and read her messages she had with her sister. I guess I was curious.

Obviously I was wrong so I apologized but it didn't seem to bother her. In addition, I told her a couple months ago after we were together for a few weeks I ran a background check on her to check for criminal activity, violent crimes, alcohol and drug charges etc as I have a 9 yo and Ive had drug and alcohol problems in the past. If I feel like a woman Im dating might have potential, I run a check on heir criminal past if any. The reports dont give you much more. She sorta freaked out and thought it provided CC#s and credit scores etc.

I explained I was protecting my myself and my daughter and this is common practice. I was just being honest. Then she dropped a bomb saying "I need space to figure things out and find out how I feel" I was pretty surprised. At first I was angry bc I didnt think background checks were a big deal but she felt violated. I did send some texts not respecting her request the past few days. My question is how do I do this? Im trying to get clarification on what she means by her statement and an idea on how long she wants to take ballpark? Weeks, Months? Its been 4 days. How long do I wait. Should I wait for her and how long is too long?

I will tell her about what date I am comfortable waiting until and after that I'll assume we are no longer dating. I feel like I have to put a cap on it Im comfortable with. Also, wanted to clarify during this time are we still dating? After that, I'll go no contact and give her the space she wants and stick to the plan. I know she doesn't wanna hook up with other men as I know there are always men out there to comment about that. Is she just putting off the inevitable? I assume she is digesting about the relationship and needs space to do it. Should I just pack up my **** and roll? Its just confusing. I dont know what the hell Im doing? Especially since we spoke every day for almost 3 months. Its been tough to not contact her as a result but I know its imperative. This is not making a long story short. It is what it is. Thanks for the help.

Last edited by Moderator; 11th November 2018 at 11:48 AM.. Reason: Paragraphs
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Old 10th November 2018, 10:17 PM   #2
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Hi there, to be honest. I'd say the background check is weird but since you have a kid, it's okay and makes sense to do that in order to protect your child.

I know it's hard but you have to keep giving her space. Telling her you have a limit on how much time you'll wait will only make her feel rushed. Set your time limit and wait. Once that day comes, reach out and tell her you're done waiting and will now be moving on, with or without her.
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Old 10th November 2018, 11:13 PM   #3
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Did you both agree you were exclusive?
I would just move on for yourself, 3 month is a short time. If she comes back and you are still interested, cool, if not, you are already making yourself happy.

If they were the other parent or you were married, this would be a big issue but its a 3 month old LDR. I may sound like I am being dismissive but start looking around and see who else might be out there. If she comes back, you are in a strong place for your own happiness which is kind of important in relationships.
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Old 10th November 2018, 11:23 PM   #4
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When a woman "needs some space" you're done. And that background check was silly.
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Old 10th November 2018, 11:35 PM   #5
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Please do NOT mess around. Things are unclear right now and if you mess around without clarifying your relationship, you will just create unnecessary drama between you and her.

Like i said before, do not reach out until you are tired of waiting. Once you know you can't wait any longer, TELL HER you are done and would like to either continue with the relationship or move on with your life.
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Old 10th November 2018, 11:38 PM   #6
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That's actually incorrect. My parents took a year long "space" and have been married for 40 years. I know plenty of couples who have taken a break and done well. So you're welcome to your opinion but nevertheless youre wrong. Second, do you have a child? Has your gF met your child if you have one? Do you have problem with D&A? No to all of the above? If you research online dating its very common. Thanks for your insightful comments tho.
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Old 10th November 2018, 11:40 PM   #7
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Define "Mess around"?
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Old 11th November 2018, 12:39 AM   #8
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My ex Fiance said the same thing. It's really the potentially the beginning of the end. Right now, it's entirely up to you on how this is dealt. I screwed up and became emotional, I pushed her away and lost her forever. My advice is do nothing.. The " illusion of action" is to chase her, beg her back, buy her flowers. Your task is to just disappear... I've said it time and time again, women are like cats.. They'll always be faster than you if you chase them, let her come back to you. If she doesn't then you know where you stand. In my case, I knew it was over the day she moved out. The engagement rings were left on my counter.

She moved away to another apartment on another side of town, basically, she had an exit strategy. I told her " you're just trying to soften the blow, let's just end it." That's me, I hate sugarcoated stuff. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to say in retrospect. Now, in your case, this may or may not be what she is trying to say. But be prepared.

Your **** up was doing the background check without giving her the benefit of the debt, she most likely feels violated and think's it's creepy and strange. Just a FYI, those background checks only pull convictions. It's not a full FBI NCIC hit like the police, while it may reveal citations or arrests. You may not get a full picture.

But this Russian girl I dated in Portland ( I made a thread about) did have a citation for speeding. Like clockwork, when I was driving around with her and my brother, she sped like a damn indy 500 car driver. So there always is a pattern to past behavior. I'm all for speed, I own a Honda CBR600RR but when a women you don't really know that well does it to impress you when drinking. Not cool.

Last edited by BMWN52; 11th November 2018 at 12:55 AM..
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Old 11th November 2018, 11:34 AM   #9
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You invaded her privacy on multiple planes & she's pissed at you. She's trying to reconcile that with how much she liked you before she knew you investigated her. I don't blame you for checking about criminal background to protect your daughter but she's angry.

I need space is generally code for softening the blow of the break up but here she's weighing who she though you were against the guy who snooped & paid to have her investigated. When she figures out whether she can deal with what you did, you will have your answer about the future of the relationship.

Try sending her flowers with an apology & a promise not to snoop.
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Old 11th November 2018, 11:53 AM   #10
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She’s done. She thinks the snooping and background check is crazy for a 3 month old, long distance relationship. If she were here asking for advice on how to handle this, everyone would be advising her to end the relationship. Wait on her if you want, but I don’t see you recovering from this.
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Old 11th November 2018, 11:54 AM   #11
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BBD time. Consider yourselves broken up, process it out and move on. A single woman who is childless will invariably consider a man with a child to be a wobbler because the child will be the priority and women in general prefer that spot themselves. Sure some high road it but the base emotional desire to be center of attention lurks.

Do what you need to do to be a loving and protective father to your daughter. You're very fortunate.

Tip: Talk less, more actions. Don't overshare. Women are attracted to that.
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Old 11th November 2018, 12:02 PM   #12
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The background check is understandable, given that you have a child.

However, you have absolutely zero justification for reading her messages with her sister. My guess is that had you not done this first, she would not be as angry about the background check. The problem is that you set a negative precedent by violating her privacy for no reason on the ipad.

To her, rightly or wrongly, you appear suspicious and untrusting. She doesn't know what else you've been poking around in or trying to dig up. She doesn't know what other personal business you've been looking into. My guess is that she is probably done.
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Old 11th November 2018, 1:13 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
you appear suspicious and untrusting
This^^^^is what's going on.

If you think it's just ok and she should be fine with it, you must be oblivious to how this sort of this effects people. We are not talking about your parents...whatever happened to them is comparing apples to oranges. You lack empathy on this. She is offended and it doesn't matter how you justify your actions, it doesn't change anything here.

Just another perspective: I'm going to agree with the others...most likely she is done.

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.

Last edited by Moderator; 11th November 2018 at 1:18 PM.. Reason: Fix quote and bolding and spacing
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Old 11th November 2018, 2:55 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Teemoo215 View Post
That's actually incorrect. My parents took a year long "space" and have been married for 40 years.

Good for them.

However, times, mores and expectations have changed a lot in 40 years---and your parents are your parents; no one else is obligated to behave like them.

If she's asking for space it's because you blew it with invading her privacy. There is a pre-existing reason as to why you innately reached for distrust with her and trafficked in deceit by going behind her back and reading what wasn't your business to read. Why didn't you just ask her, judge her reaction and base your conclusions on that? You'd have at least kept the higher ground.

And seriously? You don't have to announce to them that you're running the background check. Just do it and act accordingly with the information you get. It doesn't have to be announced.

Man, nothing but unforced errors on your part. I'd consider this one done and move on.
If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer. ~ Derrick Jaxn
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Old 11th November 2018, 2:56 PM   #15
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I apologized profusely for reading the messages. Background checks on people you are considering having a relationship is common these days. So now you are left with the messages which was dead wrong. However, it was the background check that really bothered her not the messages. Its the difference between someone with a child and someone without. Clearly, I should have never shared about that which is a shame. I dont lake empathy here, I feel like this blown out of proportion. Her response isn't consummate with the infraction but perhaps it is the child thing. We just see things differently and thats ok. Lesson learned...
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