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Tailor2000

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My girlfriend and I have been invited to see one of my relatives for Christmas this year. They live quite a while away.

 

Unfortunately my girlfriend is going to be working early morning to mid afternoon and will be unable to go. I however am torn. On one hand, I do think it right to be with my girlfriend on Christmas Day. However I would like to see my relative too.

 

I figure that I'll go down on Christmas morning while she's at work, enjoy Christmas Day, have a couple of drinks and come back on Boxing Day.

 

However my girlfriend isn't happy with this. Mind you she's not happy about me going seeing my relative at any other time because it takes away from time with her. And she's questionning me about why I want to go and see them all of a sudden.

 

My relative and I had a frosty period because, well quite frankly, they're one of these people who think they're always right and always critical, constantly stirring, so I just cut things off for a while. But in the meantime, they've calmed down and been very welcoming. I don't hold grudges so I would like to do my part in rebuilding the relationship.

 

Is there an etiquette for Christmas Day with your girlfriend?

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From an Asian perspective, it's never right to abandon your family because your significant other requests it - you should only ever consider that if they have engaged in criminal acts or something really reprehensible.

 

From a modern Western perspective, you should have your relationship with your GF be your primary relationship, and have everything else including your family, be secondary. If the family is causing conflict in your relationship with your SO, it's time to cut contact.

 

I'm Asian and brought up in the UK, so I disagree with both extremes.

 

A happy medium I think would be to sort out why your GF is so questioning your need to see your own relatives. Spending time with your family in my mind does not equate to neglecting the GF. A mature and secure GF should be able to elaborate on why she's concerned, rather than just telling you, she wants her way or the highway. I would seek out a happy medium such as you spending the 24th with your family, then the 25th with her, or something along those lines. I personally don't think that if everybody means well, a holiday should be done at the benefit of your GF and the expense of your family. Maybe you can compromise with your GF in doing one holiday with her, then the next national holiday with your family?

Edited by Garcon1986
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Your GF is working...are you pouting about it?? No, so she's going to have to understand that things like this have to be worked out so everyone is happy. This is a good opportunity to test your communication skills and how you two can make a compromise.

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your gf doesn't need to be happy all the time, neither do your relatives. Stop trying to cater to people who think they're always right and critical. Stand your ground on all fronts and soon they stop giving you grief.

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From a modern Western perspective, you should have your relationship with your GF be your primary relationship, and have everything else including your family, be secondary.

If she was his wife, yes, but she is only a GF and Girlfriends will come and go. His bond with his family is more important than a girl he is dating and on top of that a 'controling' gf.
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Why don't you go see your parents on Xmas Eve, sleep over and drive back later on Xmas day to be with your girlfriend?

 

 

 

This year I am travelling 10 hours to spend Xmas with my parents. My BF of 3 years doesn't like Xmas and no way I would pick him over my parents EVEN after 3 years dating and BF totally understands family comes first he would never make me pick between him and my parents.

 

 

 

The fact your GF doesn't encourage you to nurture your relationship with your parents and siblings is worrisome. She wants to isolate you to better control you. Any caring human being would encourage their SO to build and maintain bonds with his-her family.

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Why don't you go see your parents on Xmas Eve, sleep over and drive back later on Xmas day to be with your girlfriend?

 

 

 

This year I am travelling 10 hours to spend Xmas with my parents. My BF of 3 years doesn't like Xmas and no way I would pick him over my parents EVEN after 3 years dating and BF totally understands family comes first he would never make me pick between him and my parents.

 

 

 

The fact your GF doesn't encourage you to nurture your relationship with your parents and siblings is worrisome. She wants to isolate you to better control you. Any caring human being would encourage their SO to build and maintain bonds with his-her family.

I think she feels he is being a bit naive about his family. Sounds to me there was a lot of trouble with them.

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Christmas is a family holiday. Not a dating holiday. You will be gone over night.

 

She's being unreasonable.

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However my girlfriend isn't happy with this. Mind you she's not happy about me going seeing my relative at any other time because it takes away from time with her.

 

This is a problem--so much so that the Christmas visit isn't the issue. This woman is really insecure and clingy and jealous.

 

It's quite unreasonable to expect our partners to spend time only with us. That's ridiculous.

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Thanks all for your help.

 

You're all spot on. She is clingy and jealous as hell. Since being with her, I've gained a lot of weight and a lot of credit card debt because I've been managing her feelings, trying to get her to be happy, thinking if I show her love, she will eventually learn to love herself.

 

The most annoying thing is is that for some reason I can't end it. Im really struggling.

 

She blames me exclusively for the financial problems, but for example, a typical way it works, I suggest we eat something cheap, but she increases it to us spending a lot of money on a fattening takeaway.

 

She knows Im trying to save money and clear my debt, so now she wants us to go somewhere for a day out! It's that constant nonsense. You need to stop spending. Lets go out.

 

She's sucking me dry. Im tired. Im exhausted. I know I have to end it. I don't know how. Why don't I end it? Because every now and again she throws me a bone, some glimmer that she's getting better, tugging on my heart strings that she needs me, she's can't live without me.

 

:(:(

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I've got pages and pages of stuff about her hygiene, her general cleanliness, her slobbyness, her lazyness, her spending my money and blaming me... Im more than willing to share...

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In that case its time to give an ultimatum of some kind eh? If you let her step all over you now, it will always continue. When I tried to stand up for myself in my exGF relationship, she complained that I had changed. You have got to say that you will not be treated in this way - or at least get her to compromise with you.

 

 

If you stand up for yourself, and she leaves you, then you will know you stood up for your values, financial health, and personal health.

 

 

If you don't stand up for yourself, she will expect you to do bigger and bigger things her way, and this may turn into emotional abuse or gaslighting. Much worse things.

 

 

Just some things to ponder.

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Mrs._December
If she was his wife, yes, but she is only a GF and Girlfriends will come and go. His bond with his family is more important than a girl he is dating and on top of that a 'controling' gf.

 

Agreed. Come back in a year and tell us if she's still your girlfriend. The chances are likely she won't be.

 

And even if it were your wife making this demand, she'd still be wrong. Who is ANYONE to tell you what family members you can visit and when you're allowed to do so? If you're smart, you'll put this one in her place. Fast.

 

If you're smarter, you'll boot her to the curb before you're dragged off to debtor's prison. Ugh.

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The annoying thing is that she has relented, which makes her sound wonderful. She's now OK with me seeing my relatives, upset, wants to see me, but is permissive.

 

But I know it's a phase. The next time there'll be tantrums and drama and... it shouldn't be like that in the first place.

 

As Garcon said, when I stand up for myself and be firm but polite, she says I'm acting different. She just wants someone who will hang around her to prevent her boredom.

 

Seriously, there's been times I've not even been able to go home to have a shower because I have to be next to her. She works, has loads of time to take care of herself, Im supposed to be around her 24/7 and have an hour to myself every night of the week in which Im supposed to cook, clean, take care of my health, my hygiene, study, do my hobbies, my work. She thinks I can do any of that stuff while she's at work and Im supposed to prioritise being with her. I need to cook again tonight and shower. So I'll be late. So she'll complain and say that I don't love her that I could have done that at some time more convenient to her.

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Seriously, there's been times I've not even been able to go home to have a shower because I have to be next to her. She works, has loads of time to take care of herself, Im supposed to be around her 24/7 and have an hour to myself every night of the week in which Im supposed to cook, clean, take care of my health, my hygiene, study, do my hobbies, my work. She thinks I can do any of that stuff while she's at work and Im supposed to prioritise being with her. I need to cook again tonight and shower. So I'll be late. So she'll complain and say that I don't love her that I could have done that at some time more convenient to her.

 

 

This sounds serious mate.

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She is being ridiculous and controlling. Go see your relatives.

 

My bf and I have been together for 5 years and ALWAYS spend Xmas with our respective families who do not live near each other. Our parents are elderly and most likely won't be around around for too much longer. We don't see them often enough, and the holidays are family time. Since my bf and I will not have children together, we plan to do this until we no longer can.

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Your gf sounds selfish and controlling. I think you offered a perfectly workable solution. It’s not your fault she chose whatever profession she’s in that causes her to work on Xmas day. She needs to understand that it automatically creates problems. I never think we’ll of anyone who tries to keep someone away from their family.

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Selfish and controlling? You don't know the half of it. I was talking to a woman today in a social gathering. We had met the woman before, but because we're both a bit introverted, we came across as dismissive and rude. So I noted a way to start a conversation and reintroduce myself and my girlfriend and have a brief chat. My girlfriend then became jealous and started quesitonning why I was talking to another woman, claiming it wasn't about me, but her trust of other people.

 

If you just bear in mind she acts like that all the time.

 

I've read the help guides about supporting your girlfriend with her low self esteem, trying to improve her self worth. But to be honest, she's still the same frightened person she was when I met her.

 

Yesterday she went to meet one of her friends by herself and then got upset and annoyed with me because she was out later than expected and I wouldn't get her. Then she started to cry because we weren't spending as much time together as she hoped.

 

At first she blamed me, then she blamed herself.

 

It's too much. Don't know what to do for the best. But as each day goes on I just feel like I got to end it. But I don't know how or when. I think Im scared of confrontation. I think Im scared of being challenged on why and having to explain why and then have her twist everything to me.

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It's too much. Don't know what to do for the best. But as each day goes on I just feel like I got to end it. But I don't know how or when. I think Im scared of confrontation. I think Im scared of being challenged on why and having to explain why and then have her twist everything to me.

 

Once you come to this realization there's no point in dragging it out. I wouldn't want to go through the Christmas season having to pretend and appease, all the while knowing it's actually over. Christmas is more than a month away, so end it now. Give her the explanation, but no need to be apologetic or allow yourself to be manipulated by guilt-tripping. Cut the cord clean, wish her well, and go NC.

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MaleIntuition
Selfish and controlling? You don't know the half of it. I was talking to a woman today in a social gathering. We had met the woman before, but because we're both a bit introverted, we came across as dismissive and rude. So I noted a way to start a conversation and reintroduce myself and my girlfriend and have a brief chat. My girlfriend then became jealous and started quesitonning why I was talking to another woman, claiming it wasn't about me, but her trust of other people.

 

If you just bear in mind she acts like that all the time.

 

I've read the help guides about supporting your girlfriend with her low self esteem, trying to improve her self worth. But to be honest, she's still the same frightened person she was when I met her.

 

Yesterday she went to meet one of her friends by herself and then got upset and annoyed with me because she was out later than expected and I wouldn't get her. Then she started to cry because we weren't spending as much time together as she hoped.

 

At first she blamed me, then she blamed herself.

 

It's too much. Don't know what to do for the best. But as each day goes on I just feel like I got to end it. But I don't know how or when. I think Im scared of confrontation. I think Im scared of being challenged on why and having to explain why and then have her twist everything to me.

 

It sounds like it’s time to end this. I’m far from an expert on the topic, but this sounds like some form of emotional abuse. One slight irony that struck me is that you have been working on building her self esteem although yours can’t be very high; otherwise you wouldn’t have accepted her behaviour.

 

You definitely don’t need to spend every waking movement together with a SO, time apart is healthy and so is showering (!?).

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You don’t HAVE to explain anything to her, nor do you have to allow her to suck you into a lengthy conversation. Do you think she doesn’t already know she’s a pain in the ass to deal with? She knows and that’s why she’s insecure - she knows you’re going to dump her at some point because her behavior makes her dumpable. Forget the confrontation issue and just deal with it. In order to accomplish anything in life, you must get past the hurdles. The hurdles will always involve things that are difficult for you to get past. So get past the hurdle because getting her out if your life is the end prize.

 

In the future, stop pandering to people like this and don’t try to fix them. You cannot fix broken people by having a relationship with them. They have to fix themselves and then get into a relationship.

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Selfish and controlling? You don't know the half of it. I was talking to a woman today in a social gathering. We had met the woman before, but because we're both a bit introverted, we came across as dismissive and rude. So I noted a way to start a conversation and reintroduce myself and my girlfriend and have a brief chat. My girlfriend then became jealous and started quesitonning why I was talking to another woman, claiming it wasn't about me, but her trust of other people.

 

If you just bear in mind she acts like that all the time.

 

I've read the help guides about supporting your girlfriend with her low self esteem, trying to improve her self worth. But to be honest, she's still the same frightened person she was when I met her.

 

Yesterday she went to meet one of her friends by herself and then got upset and annoyed with me because she was out later than expected and I wouldn't get her. Then she started to cry because we weren't spending as much time together as she hoped.

 

At first she blamed me, then she blamed herself.

 

It's too much. Don't know what to do for the best. But as each day goes on I just feel like I got to end it. But I don't know how or when. I think Im scared of confrontation. I think Im scared of being challenged on why and having to explain why and then have her twist everything to me.

 

I am not understanding why you are with this woman. From what you have posted there is nothing good about her or your relationship.

 

Who you date/marry is 100% related to and contributes to your happiness in your life. You sound anything but happy.

 

From what you have said it seems like you are really trying to support your gf and help her get better with whatever she needs to work on It does not seem like she is putting the effort in to help herself.

 

Your job is not to fix her! You want to end this and should as you see what she is and how she treats you. You can do better than this. Find someone who is a better match, who respects and supports you.

 

You know what you need to do, just have to man up and do what is best for you.

 

I wish you luck

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