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Old 10th November 2018, 10:32 AM   #1
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Christmas

My girlfriend and I have been invited to see one of my relatives for Christmas this year. They live quite a while away.

Unfortunately my girlfriend is going to be working early morning to mid afternoon and will be unable to go. I however am torn. On one hand, I do think it right to be with my girlfriend on Christmas Day. However I would like to see my relative too.

I figure that I'll go down on Christmas morning while she's at work, enjoy Christmas Day, have a couple of drinks and come back on Boxing Day.

However my girlfriend isn't happy with this. Mind you she's not happy about me going seeing my relative at any other time because it takes away from time with her. And she's questionning me about why I want to go and see them all of a sudden.

My relative and I had a frosty period because, well quite frankly, they're one of these people who think they're always right and always critical, constantly stirring, so I just cut things off for a while. But in the meantime, they've calmed down and been very welcoming. I don't hold grudges so I would like to do my part in rebuilding the relationship.

Is there an etiquette for Christmas Day with your girlfriend?
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Old 10th November 2018, 11:05 AM   #2
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From an Asian perspective, it's never right to abandon your family because your significant other requests it - you should only ever consider that if they have engaged in criminal acts or something really reprehensible.

From a modern Western perspective, you should have your relationship with your GF be your primary relationship, and have everything else including your family, be secondary. If the family is causing conflict in your relationship with your SO, it's time to cut contact.

I'm Asian and brought up in the UK, so I disagree with both extremes.

A happy medium I think would be to sort out why your GF is so questioning your need to see your own relatives. Spending time with your family in my mind does not equate to neglecting the GF. A mature and secure GF should be able to elaborate on why she's concerned, rather than just telling you, she wants her way or the highway. I would seek out a happy medium such as you spending the 24th with your family, then the 25th with her, or something along those lines. I personally don't think that if everybody means well, a holiday should be done at the benefit of your GF and the expense of your family. Maybe you can compromise with your GF in doing one holiday with her, then the next national holiday with your family?

Last edited by Garcon1986; 10th November 2018 at 11:12 AM..
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Old 10th November 2018, 12:34 PM   #3
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Your GF is working...are you pouting about it?? No, so she's going to have to understand that things like this have to be worked out so everyone is happy. This is a good opportunity to test your communication skills and how you two can make a compromise.
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Old 10th November 2018, 1:39 PM   #4
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your gf doesn't need to be happy all the time, neither do your relatives. Stop trying to cater to people who think they're always right and critical. Stand your ground on all fronts and soon they stop giving you grief.
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Old 10th November 2018, 2:04 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Garcon1986 View Post
From a modern Western perspective, you should have your relationship with your GF be your primary relationship, and have everything else including your family, be secondary.
If she was his wife, yes, but she is only a GF and Girlfriends will come and go. His bond with his family is more important than a girl he is dating and on top of that a 'controling' gf.
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Old 10th November 2018, 2:10 PM   #6
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Why don't you go see your parents on Xmas Eve, sleep over and drive back later on Xmas day to be with your girlfriend?



This year I am travelling 10 hours to spend Xmas with my parents. My BF of 3 years doesn't like Xmas and no way I would pick him over my parents EVEN after 3 years dating and BF totally understands family comes first he would never make me pick between him and my parents.



The fact your GF doesn't encourage you to nurture your relationship with your parents and siblings is worrisome. She wants to isolate you to better control you. Any caring human being would encourage their SO to build and maintain bonds with his-her family.
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Old 10th November 2018, 6:57 PM   #7
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Why don't you go see your parents on Xmas Eve, sleep over and drive back later on Xmas day to be with your girlfriend?



This year I am travelling 10 hours to spend Xmas with my parents. My BF of 3 years doesn't like Xmas and no way I would pick him over my parents EVEN after 3 years dating and BF totally understands family comes first he would never make me pick between him and my parents.



The fact your GF doesn't encourage you to nurture your relationship with your parents and siblings is worrisome. She wants to isolate you to better control you. Any caring human being would encourage their SO to build and maintain bonds with his-her family.
I think she feels he is being a bit naive about his family. Sounds to me there was a lot of trouble with them.
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Old 11th November 2018, 11:56 AM   #8
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Christmas is a family holiday. Not a dating holiday. You will be gone over night.

She's being unreasonable.
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Old 11th November 2018, 2:56 PM   #9
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However my girlfriend isn't happy with this. Mind you she's not happy about me going seeing my relative at any other time because it takes away from time with her.
This is a problem--so much so that the Christmas visit isn't the issue. This woman is really insecure and clingy and jealous.

It's quite unreasonable to expect our partners to spend time only with us. That's ridiculous.
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Old 16th November 2018, 1:06 PM   #10
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Thanks all for your help.

You're all spot on. She is clingy and jealous as hell. Since being with her, I've gained a lot of weight and a lot of credit card debt because I've been managing her feelings, trying to get her to be happy, thinking if I show her love, she will eventually learn to love herself.

The most annoying thing is is that for some reason I can't end it. Im really struggling.

She blames me exclusively for the financial problems, but for example, a typical way it works, I suggest we eat something cheap, but she increases it to us spending a lot of money on a fattening takeaway.

She knows Im trying to save money and clear my debt, so now she wants us to go somewhere for a day out! It's that constant nonsense. You need to stop spending. Lets go out.

She's sucking me dry. Im tired. Im exhausted. I know I have to end it. I don't know how. Why don't I end it? Because every now and again she throws me a bone, some glimmer that she's getting better, tugging on my heart strings that she needs me, she's can't live without me.

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Old 16th November 2018, 1:08 PM   #11
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I've got pages and pages of stuff about her hygiene, her general cleanliness, her slobbyness, her lazyness, her spending my money and blaming me... Im more than willing to share...
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Old 16th November 2018, 1:14 PM   #12
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In that case its time to give an ultimatum of some kind eh? If you let her step all over you now, it will always continue. When I tried to stand up for myself in my exGF relationship, she complained that I had changed. You have got to say that you will not be treated in this way - or at least get her to compromise with you.


If you stand up for yourself, and she leaves you, then you will know you stood up for your values, financial health, and personal health.


If you don't stand up for yourself, she will expect you to do bigger and bigger things her way, and this may turn into emotional abuse or gaslighting. Much worse things.


Just some things to ponder.
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Old 16th November 2018, 1:18 PM   #13
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If she was his wife, yes, but she is only a GF and Girlfriends will come and go. His bond with his family is more important than a girl he is dating and on top of that a 'controling' gf.
Agreed. Come back in a year and tell us if she's still your girlfriend. The chances are likely she won't be.

And even if it were your wife making this demand, she'd still be wrong. Who is ANYONE to tell you what family members you can visit and when you're allowed to do so? If you're smart, you'll put this one in her place. Fast.

If you're smarter, you'll boot her to the curb before you're dragged off to debtor's prison. Ugh.
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Old 16th November 2018, 1:37 PM   #14
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The annoying thing is that she has relented, which makes her sound wonderful. She's now OK with me seeing my relatives, upset, wants to see me, but is permissive.

But I know it's a phase. The next time there'll be tantrums and drama and... it shouldn't be like that in the first place.

As Garcon said, when I stand up for myself and be firm but polite, she says I'm acting different. She just wants someone who will hang around her to prevent her boredom.

Seriously, there's been times I've not even been able to go home to have a shower because I have to be next to her. She works, has loads of time to take care of herself, Im supposed to be around her 24/7 and have an hour to myself every night of the week in which Im supposed to cook, clean, take care of my health, my hygiene, study, do my hobbies, my work. She thinks I can do any of that stuff while she's at work and Im supposed to prioritise being with her. I need to cook again tonight and shower. So I'll be late. So she'll complain and say that I don't love her that I could have done that at some time more convenient to her.
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Old 16th November 2018, 1:40 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Tailor2000 View Post

Seriously, there's been times I've not even been able to go home to have a shower because I have to be next to her. She works, has loads of time to take care of herself, Im supposed to be around her 24/7 and have an hour to myself every night of the week in which Im supposed to cook, clean, take care of my health, my hygiene, study, do my hobbies, my work. She thinks I can do any of that stuff while she's at work and Im supposed to prioritise being with her. I need to cook again tonight and shower. So I'll be late. So she'll complain and say that I don't love her that I could have done that at some time more convenient to her.

This sounds serious mate.
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