Lovezen_30 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I've been seeing a seemingly lovely guy for a month. He has been very consistent in terms of meeting up, showing interest and planning dates. On the last date I would say things were taken up a notch or two. We opened up about ourselves more, including me about my ex (who cheated at beginning of this year) and spoke to me some about his experiences. He thanked me for opening up and said he liked me a lot, which I reciprocated. That night we fooled around some but didn't have sex - he actually admitted he is a virgin and clearly felt nervous about it. We had breakfast next day and he left. So today was meant to be our sixth date. Last time we spoke I made a special reservation at a venue and he said he was looking forward to it, while also mentioning he had been feeling unwell. 2 days later and 5 hours before I hadn't heard from him, so I got in touch to confirm it was still happening - within 15 mins he replied apologising and saying as he is unwell, could we reschedule for tomorrow, Fri night, instead? So I was bummed and annoyed he didn't inform me, but I said ok and change the reservation. I then ask him 1) if he can meet me at the train station at 'X time' and 2) can he please let me know if he changes his mind so I can make other plans. He replies 'ok of course! ' - ok of course what?? He may let me know if he changes plans or he will meet me at the station? I feel super irritated about this. The truth is I am feeling quite vulnerable as this is the first person I really opened up to after my last break up and I think being naked together last time has exacerbated things. Am I reading into things too much and should contact him again to confirm the date tomorrow? Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 He is unwell. Uh, okay. You have done quite a a bit for him and now the ball is in his court. Let him contact you. No argument. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Well I'm not sure whose turn it is now! But yes, I have done a lot. I guess I'll just reply tomorrow saying 'Unless I hear otherwise I'll be waiting at the station for 7.' If he cancels again, obviously it's game over for whatever reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa_Lisa Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Just text him several hours before your meet up time that you'll be at the station at xx time. If he doesn't respond before you leave your house then you have your answer, he doesn't care enough about your time to text back whether he is going or not. Then just lean back, you don't have to block and delete or whatever, just pull all the way back and let him contact you. If he asks to see you again, say you're going out with friends, give him one word answers, make him wonder about you, be mysterious, that'll rev him up again and WAIT until he asks you out, make him pick you up for a date. Now is the time to set boundaries. He feels like he can take advantage now, be unpredictable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Woa; I think you are building a mountain out of a molehill here. Of course to both. The general rule is; if they flake and reschedule you are still good. If you get upset about this he will probably run away. If you decide to contact him again do so in a lighthearted jokingly manner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Just text him several hours before your meet up time that you'll be at the station at xx time. If he doesn't respond before you leave your house then you have your answer, he doesn't care enough about your time to text back whether he is going or not. Then just lean back, you don't have to block and delete or whatever, just pull all the way back and let him contact you. If he asks to see you again, say you're going out with friends, give him one word answers, make him wonder about you, be mysterious, that'll rev him up again and WAIT until he asks you out, make him pick you up for a date. Now is the time to set boundaries. He feels like he can take advantage now, be unpredictable. Yes after this date, I am going to pull way back and let him take the lead. If he doesn't, that tells me he is happy to amble along dating as long as I am steering it forward - but it'll be good to see what happens when I drop the proverbial dating ball. At least I'll have my answer about his interest levels. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 The date happened and wow, now I understand! So he does look a little sick/pale & he tells me he was not going to blow me off, but was waiting another hour in the hopes he would feel better. Sounds plausible. However, he mentions that he doesn't feel ready to be in a relationship and would prefer something more casual right now (remember he is a virgin also and was very nervous in bed first time). He asks how I feel about what he's said and I tell him what I'm hearing is 'I like you a little, but I'm really not that interested overall.' He said 'that's really not it. I like you a lot. This is about me.' He then tells me he is in therapy trying to figure out what happened during a period in his childhood. This was a super sad moment because I think he was hinting about sexual abuse. I felt very upset when spoke about this and I felt bad for him. He also said he's only ever been in a short relationship with a woman he really liked/who hurt him. 'So, basically, in conclusion...I'm saying I like you but can we take things slowly?'. It was all a little confusing because it is blatantly clear he likes me a lot and the last time a guy pulled this line I could see he was just out for easy sex. I think this guy is a decent person and struggling with some serious issues. After a few hours he introduced me to some of his friends and acted very couply all night - I feel very happy when we're together and am still recovering overall from my last relationship. The truth is I don't want to take on a truckload of issues but I also value this guy a lot as a person. We were actually friends before dating & he is very supportive of me. Any thoughts welcome anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 yeah from the start of your post I kind of knew he wasn't really canceling just because he was sick. Because he rescheduled too soon. How did he know he'd feel better so soon? Certain type of guy will pull back after physical contact, some will even break it off. But it is not you, it really is him. It has to do with the guy's feelings of sexual inadequacy and stress from pressure to perform. This type of guy feels really anxious and overwhelmed. I would not invest emotionally in a guy with such issues. That's because no matter how much you like him, his feelings always come first because he's the one with the issues. So what about you? It didn't feel good when he canceled, did it? There'll be more similar incidents like this. If you want to, you can just be friends with him. He's not ready to be close to anyone until he works through his issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 Hopefully things will work out well if you continue to take it slow! Good luck! :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Well ... the problem (seen every day on this board) is that asking to "go slow" means the other person really isn't that interested in us ... and/or just knows they don't have the maturity to date seriously ... 90 percent of the time, it's the lack of interest. Also, the red flag is that he could have contacted you and said, "Look, it's five hours away from our planned meeting ... and I'm feeling terrible. I'm hoping I feel better ... but I don't what to abandon you at the last minute." That's what he could have done. So keep an eye on that ... there's no shame in telling someone you aren't feeling well ... and in the texting culture, that's easy to say and explain ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Well ... the problem (seen every day on this board) is that asking to "go slow" means the other person really isn't that interested in us ... and/or just knows they don't have the maturity to date seriously ... 90 percent of the time, it's the lack of interest. Also, the red flag is that he could have contacted you and said, "Look, it's five hours away from our planned meeting ... and I'm feeling terrible. I'm hoping I feel better ... but I don't what to abandon you at the last minute." That's what he could have done. So keep an eye on that ... there's no shame in telling someone you aren't feeling well ... and in the texting culture, that's easy to say and explain ... Well, after a bit of space (er, 1 1/2 days) he seems very keen again. Things got very intense between us quite quickly and I think it freaked him out. I thought he would come back soon, because I intuitively feel he likes me a lot. But yeah, I also don't appreciate flaky behaviour so I will keep an eye on that for sure. I am more cautious now but will continue dating him for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts