Girl who dumped me now want to move in.

[AngryGromit]

This is a continuation of the thread below.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/651027-new-girlfriend-seems-needy-how-deal

 

Around early February, the girl I was dating broke up with me. Said she didn't think I was attentive enough to her and she wanted to concentrate on her relationship with her daughters. So I moved on, not the end of the world, right.

 

Anyway an opportunity presented itself a few months later. A position opening in my company that would be promotion and about 20k raise for me, but I would have to relocated to upstate New York, near Rochester. I was offer different position back when I was still dating the girl above at the same location, but I turned it down because, A. It was a lateral move, no extra money, B. the colder winter weather (and snow) and C. I was dating the girl above. While I seriously considered not accepting the promotion based on the weather, I decide there was really nothing holding me back, no relationships and no house after my divorcee, I didn't even have a lease to break because I was living with my parents after my divorce. So I accepted the job, moved 400 miles north, got a apartment and started my new job at the end of April.

 

About three weeks after I moved, I got a text from her, she said she was thinking about me and she missed me. I told her sorry, but I moved since, I'm no longer in the area. We chatted made small talk for a while and I told her I was returning to visit my parents in July, and she said if we can meet for drinks or something. So July rolls around and I go visit my parents, see her and end up spending the night over her house. She gave me an excuse that she backed off before because she was afraid she was falling in Love with me and was afraid of being hurt.

 

I however think it's a little more complicated than that. When we were dating before, she mentioned her Daughter was on some kind of medication that killed her sex drive, she had zero interest in dating men or sex. Then while we were still dating her daughter's doctor stopped her medication her Daughter was on for years, to see if she still needed it for her condition and she was fine without it. So the Daughters sex drive returned and kicked into high gear she found a boyfriend and was enjoying all the benefits of being a young woman. Now her Daughter is less supportive of driving her Mom to work every day and everywhere else, she wants to start her own life with her new boyfriend. So this creates a dilemma for Mom.

 

Anyway, I return to New York and she comes and visits me for a weekend, than returns a month later and spends two weeks with me. Life it good, she wants to move up here get a job and live with me,. Of course I know I'll have to be her personal driver, not something I'm looking forward to, but I figure if I move to another apartment that has public transportation access things will not be so bad. I had the misfortune of picking an apartment location that has no public transportation, the Rochester bus lines stop one town to the west. So I'll have to relocate to accommodate her.

 

I also found out some more details on her handicap, not only is she color blind, she's legally blind, something like 20/500 vision. At places like McDonald she can't read the menu on the wall behind the register, she has to have a large computer monitor and get right up on it to see the screen. She has difficulty identifying cars or buildings from a distance, I asked why she never went for a walk outside while I was at work, when she visited for two weeks, ends up she's afraid of not being about to find the house again, she would have to walk up every driveway on the street to see the buildings address numbers. Of she doesn't like running into the store by herself, because she can't see what car is mine when returning. So in short she will never be able to drive with her eye sight.

 

So this bring me to the question and answer portion of this thread, do you think it's unwise to get involved with her and let her move in? We get along great, more sex than I can handle, we seem like a great match, but I'll be stuck taking her everywhere, most of the time. I also wonder if she just agrees to everything I say or do to try to look more compatible. Because she relies so heavily on the person she's with. I'm wondering if I was an Ax murderer, she would help cut up the bodies and get rid of victims just to make me feel she's the perfect girl for me. (And extreme example, but I think you get my point)

Edited October 22, 2018 by AngryGromit

[Gretchen12]

I would consider being with a completely blind man if we have a true connection. But actually many blind people are independent. This woman you are with, has been in denial of her handicap. Can she get some help to become more functional? I would encourage her to do that. Sex is not a good enough reason for you to let her move in. It's not really a relationship when she's dependent on you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP.

 

You complained in your last thread that you felt she was too needy, which was quite early in the relationship. Her moving in and becoming dependent on you in the same manner she was dependent on her daughter is probably going to be a very difficult transition for you.

 

I would be very cautious here. Her daughter clearly wants more independence from Mom, and given how much Mom relied on her and now she won't have that, she is turning to you again. I think you are correct to be concerned about this. Does she really want the relationship, or is she simply looking for someone to rely on now that Daughter won't be doing all of it?

[Zippy2000]

She didn't like you then so what changed?

 

 

She heard you are now up 20K raise on your salary. She realised what she lost and you were a good man but realised couldn't find someone else to match up to you. Maybe you set a benchmark.

 

 

She now see you as a way out of her life and start afresh and maybe a secure meal ticket.

 

 

Id say take things slowly if you like her but why would you want someone you didn't want you in the first place?

[Mardelis]

Sounds like she's lonely and desperate for someone to take care of her.

 

 

 

Not a good basis for a relationship.

[JuneL]

I’m sure I (and many people I know) would have her issues without my contact lenses or eyeglasses. What’s stopping her from visiting an optometrist?

[Rockdad]

You better have the heart that a caregiver has for this to work because that is what this sounds like. It boils down to assisted living when she asked for housing and certainly she will need transportation assistance. If you relocated to a place with more public transportation for going to work is one thing but how about all the other things like shopping, Dr appts, visiting family or friends ect.

[smackie9]

Don't do it. I know so many that reunited, moved in, and turned disaster. She dumped you, you don't go back period. Still have protected sex if you so desire, but don't get too involved with her. Your life seems to be skyrocketing, don't let her snuff out your progress with her bs.

[Whodatdog]

It sure sound like to me she has you lined up because of what you can do for her. Maybe give her some time to be on her own for a while before jumping into this.

[MidwestUSA]

I will chime in and agree with the others. It sounds as if she's looking for a caregiver and a bank account. That 'more sex than you can handle' might dry up when she gets her other needs met.

 

I'm curious as to how you were clueless about how bad her vision is. Unless she has macular degeneration, there should be something that can be done about it.

[Mardelis]

Unless she has macular degeneration, there should be something that can be done about it.

 

 

There have been many advances in macular degeneration even the dry type which is known as "cystoid macular degeneration". Formerly it was untreatable in recent years there are injectible medications that have shown real promise.

 

 

Hope she's wearing sunglasses and not smoking those are two factors that directly related to ARMD.

 

 

She could also be suffering from untreatable ocular pathology including optic neuritis and retinitis pigmentosa.

[Juha]

Personally, I would not have gotten so involved with her when she got back in contact.

 

It seems her life circumstances have changed and she needed someone, you are the someone it now seems. Her life preserver so to speak.

 

I would ask you: Do you think she would have gotten in contact with you again if her situation with her daughter did not change?

 

Also, it seems you are not really into this woman all that much, except for the sex.

 

I would think long and hard before I went any further with this relationship with this person. You will need to sacrifice if you stay with this woman and to me it does not really seem like you want to as to me you are not enamored with or adore her.

[lurker74]

I try to measure my words on this site but let me just say...

 

DUDE! What the heck are you thinking! Do not move in with her! No way, no how. You're being used and manipulated. If you want to pursue a relationship with her, do so slowly and let it develop but do NOT let her move in.

[healing light]

I would not be inclined to take this woman up on her offer. Especially since she said that she backed off because she was falling in love with you--major red flag. If that's true, she's likely emotionally unavailable and you will always have an unhealthy push/pull dynamic. If it's not true, she's covering up other issues.

 

I don't see why it's your responsibility to relocate your apartment and your life. If you enjoy your apartment, she can always try to do something like an uber, right?

 

But honestly, this sounds like this woman's primary caretaker (her daughter) is branching out to live her life and she's looking to someone else to take over that role for her. Listen very carefully to your gut.

 

If you are serious about being with her, there is a leading chinese medicinal eye expert in NJ that deals with relatively hopeless cases by western med standards; you can private message me for his info if you want to explore alternatives for her vision.

 

Personally, I would pass and that's unrelated to her physical situation. I think her motivations are not genuine.

[dude360]

You're nothing but an easy mark to her. A free open wallet. Wake up.

[AngryGromit]

If you relocated to a place with more public transportation for going to work is one thing but how about all the other things like shopping, Dr appts, visiting family or friends ect.

 

 

There are a number of social programs available to the legally blind, I don't know the full extend of those programs, but I believe they offer transportation services like transportation to doctors appointments. She will have no family or friends when relocating here, I really haven't met anyone outside of work to socialize myself either.

[Mardelis]

There are a number of social programs available to the legally blind

 

 

That's irrelevant and doesn't change the fact that she's totally looking to take advantage of you.

[AngryGromit]

I’m sure I (and many people I know) would have her issues without my contact lenses or eyeglasses. What’s stopping her from visiting an optometrist?

 

She has glasses, her vision is corrected as much as it can be. However I not sure if she looked into something like eSight, I also read about another program where you can use your smart phone, call up a service and a volunteer on the phone can tell you what the phone sees, weather it's directing where to walk or what a sign says.

 

 

I will chime in and agree with the others. It sounds as if she's looking for a caregiver and a bank account. That 'more sex than you can handle' might dry up when she gets her other needs met.

 

I'm curious as to how you were clueless about how bad her vision is. Unless she has macular degeneration, there should be something that can be done about it.

 

 

She hides it well, her Mom always discouraged her for looking different or disabled.

 

 

 

I can see the point people are making, but I'm not marrying her, If things don't work out, I can send her packing. I don't feel shes after me for my money, not that I have a lot to begin with, besides more food in the house grocery shopping and higher bills when dining out, her living with me, cost increase minimally.

Edited October 23, 2018 by AngryGromit

[Mardelis]

If things don't work out, I can send her packing. I don't feel shes after me for my money

 

 

Dude you are being very naive and foolish. You are underestimating the costs of supporting another person who will not be contributing financially, and you also don't understand how difficult it is to live with a person who is with you for the wrong reasons AND how difficult it can be to get rid of them.

 

Sure she's using you for the comfort and security your household provides and whatever financial support she'll get from you. It's clear from the information you have provided on this thread. You are writing about it but you are not accepting it. Don't say we didn't warn you. You asked if it was a good idea, most people told you it was a BAD idea and gave you good reasons why and here you are defending her and debating with advice givers about how it's no big deal. So why did you ask if you aren't going to listen?

[AngryGromit]

I don't see why it's your responsibility to relocate your apartment and your life. If you enjoy your apartment, she can always try to do something like an uber, right?

 

 

 

It's not like I'm a home owner, where selling would be a major inconvenience for me. Before the lease is up in April, I'm planning to get another place closer to public transportation. It may cost a thousand or so move again, but it's not like the cost it was to move 400 miles north. Moving benefits me too, if she can take the bus to work every day, it's something I don't have to worry about.

[Mardelis]

Moving benefits me too, if she can take the bus to work every day, it's something I don't have to worry about.

 

 

Yeah you said that earlier. You can go to the expense and inconvenience to move to a different place, closer to public transportation so she can take the bus and you don't have to drive her. That's not anything new and it doesn't change the fact that she'll still be totally taking advantage of you in other ways. Don't be surprised when she quits her job soon after she moves in.

 

Look you asked for advice, you clearly don't like what you've received so here you are justifing a decision you have apparently already made. So I wish you good luck and this is one of those threads that I wish would be updated in the future so we can find out how our predictions worked out.

[AngryGromit]

As for financially support she's planning on getting a job after moving, she's been looking for work, she has a master's degree, I don't think it will be an issue her getting a job, she said she would contribute to help pay the bills.

 

 

I have read the replies, I think it's wise to be cautious. I think I'll take anything important to work with me, so she has no access to my important documents, check books etc. Far as I can see she's very compatible to me. Even said she would do things with me and go places my ex never would consider. I think it's worth the risk, if it ends up being a disaster, I can't see it costing more to 10k to untangle myself from the situation, I can afford that.

 

 

Yes I will provide updates. Thank you for the advise.

[Mardelis]

As for financially support she's planning on getting a job after moving.. she said she would contribute to help pay the bills.

 

 

Duh. Of COURSE she's going to say that. Even if it's not the least bit true.

 

 

I think I'll take anything important to work with me, so she has no access to my important documents, check books etc.

 

 

Do you know how stressful it is to live with a person you cannot trust? Better not keep cash in your wallet or else keep it under your pillow. Make sure you clear your browser history and check periodically for keyloggers and other tracking software she can use to obtain your passwords and access to your bank accounts.

 

 

 

Even said she would do things with me and go places my ex never would consider.

 

 

She sounds like my exwife. She said she'd do all sorts of things with me too. Then she almost never did. Turned into a financial parasite that took a lot of time and effort to extricate myself from, the stress probably cost me a few years off my life.

 

 

Eif it ends up being a disaster, I can't see it costing more to 10k to untangle myself from the situation, I can afford that.

 

 

It's not always all about the money and it could cost you far more than that if she takes advantage of you in a big way.

 

 

I think it's worth the risk

 

 

Why did you bother posting this thread? Almost every post was to the contrary and it hasn't changed your course of action at all.

[Highndry]

I haven't ever in my life heard a good reason for a man to take back a woman who broke up with him. You certainly haven't provided one here, either.

[AngryGromit]

Duh. Of COURSE she's going to say that. Even if it's not the least bit true.

 

 

She moved in a few weeks ago, she got a job, doesn't pay as much as her last job, but the cost of living here is slightly less. Driving her to/from work is more of a pain than I realize it be with rush hour traffic, but its working out so far. When my lease is closer to being up, we will get a rental closer to her work, so I can only have to drive a few minutes to drop her off, or she can uber if I work late.