OMG what happened! I'm too old for dating and need a translator.

[weeble78]

Hello!

 

Second post of the day.

 

So I think I need some help. I've been in 2 LT relationships and not dated around much as I don't have the patience.

 

Met a guy online 4 months back. Went on a date. Chatted a little previously. He drove 90 miles to come on the date and go back the next day. Went for drinks at my local, amazing fun. Gave me a ride home, kissed, it was off the scale (ok so I haven't kissed anyone in a looooong time ) He arranges 2nd date off the bat. Cancels due to an unforeseen tax return that needed doing (reeeeeally?). Reschedules straight away. I can't make next one so try to rearrange then he vanishes. There's never that much text chat inbetween either, although he's more than happy to pick up the phone to chat which makes a nice change.

 

So fast forward 3 months later. I messaged him on WhatsApp. I know I know, I'd been dating around then saw he'd changed his profile pic. It looked good so I messaged him ha. After 1 text he apologised profusely and asked me out again. Tbh I assumed he'd been talking to someone else besides me and got sidetracked. He said he'd been busy with work (he travels all over the world) and felt he'd left things too long.

 

He organised 2nd date. Then day before he cancelled saying his flight was delayed so booked again the next day. Then morning of he cancelled again. So I said that's fine but no more dates. He said he was determined to see me so I said he could turn up at my house and take me out for coffee but I wouldn't arrange anything, he'd just have to catch me at home. So he did. Great. Another great time and again he asked for a proper date. I said I'd let him know and he said he wasn't going to chase me (which tbh I think guys should, particularly if they've let you down). I let him wait for a few days then confirmed.

 

He invited me to dinner at his house as he had his little boy and couldn't get a sitter. Great dinner, lovely time etc. He basically spent the date grilling me about my past and my attitude to relationships and about my family and history. I actually felt a little interrogated. We kissed and at the end of the date he said he'd had a great time and to message when Id got back.

 

So I did. Except he'd switched off his phone. He read my message the next morning and didn't reply. I messaged in the evening to say Id had a great evening and had been thinking about him. Nothing til the next day then he reciprocated, saying he wanted to see me again.

 

So we tried to organise a day (he's only home on weekends) but I've been away on holiday for a week. Didn't get to see him before, and didn't really hear from him that much before I left. Didn't hear on holiday either so I sent him a hey message teasing him that I wasn't going to chase him either. No reply. Later on in the week still no reply so I messaged to say I was having a great time but surprised not to hear from him. He apologised then said my comment about not chasing him had put him off but he wanted to know when I was back. I asked him to elaborate and he blanked me again! I got annoyed then and said I'd take it all as a not interested (yeah probably shouldn't have said that but really we're all adults) but said it had been fun. He messaged back annoyed saying he hadn't replied as I was on holiday but that he'd call me the next day.

 

Next day surprisingly he didn't call just changed his profile pic a few times. Which I thought was rude but shot him a message asking him to call if he wanted as I was falling asleep. He didn't call, just replied later saying he'd been having a drama with his card. I was then really annoyed he didn't phone (he's done it before) so just said good night. It pi**ed him off and he said 'nice, goodnight. In fact. Goodbye.' So I said sorry he felt that way, hope he got it sorted out and ciao.

 

Er I guess I'm trying to work out if this is my fault for hassling him. I could probably have been cooler and not responded to him being online and not calling me etc etc but it just seemed childish when we had chance to chat quickly before bed.

 

anyway. I'm rubbish at gauging how I should respond so I'd really appreciate if I could get some feedback on whether it was my behaviour has been pushy and demanding and annoyed him, or whether he was messing me about/not interested anyway and I've saved myself some time.

 

I hate dating!

 

Thank you!

[weeble78]

Ps I don't know if this is relevant but his history is he was with a girl for 2 years, they rowed a lot. They were just about to get engaged and She was going to move country for him when they rowed, she packed and moved home. She's blocked him and they've never spoken since. This was in March this year.

 

He was open about it and I said I'd be a little concerned about someone who hasn't really had any closure, but he said he was initially hurt but they had a bad relationship so was ok with it.

[kendahke]

He's so full of it...

 

Met a guy online 4 months back. Went on a date. Chatted a little previously. He drove 90 miles to come on the date and go back the next day. Went for drinks at my local, amazing fun. Gave me a ride home, kissed, it was off the scale (ok so I haven't kissed anyone in a looooong time ) He arranges 2nd date off the bat. Cancels due to an unforeseen tax return that needed doing

 

That's when I'd have cut him off.

 

Tax day comes around 4/15 and 8/15--those are the two deadlines for filing. Every year.

 

Lame, weak tea excuse. Then add to it everything else that's fallen out in experience? No, this guy wants to be your woman and wants you to woo him and chase him. That was offensive for a grown man to say he's not going to do any chasing--that means: you're not interesting enough for me to arse myself, so if you want to hang, OK.. it's something to do, but it's not enough for me to muster myself to anything like maintaining consistent interest.

 

Just no. Cut him loose and leave him alone.

[Zahara]

He's online and lives 90 miles away from you. He is definitely meeting and dating other women. He wasn't very interested but you tried to keep some sort of lifeline going on between the two of you and it does seem like he was getting annoyed by your contact.

 

Next time, don't chase. When you get the feeling that someone isn't quite interested, step back.

[Kellens]

Whenever it's confusing like this or you have work too hard, leave it alone. I had more than a few guys like this while online dating and after meeting my boyfriend, I realized what a bunch of nonsense it was. When someone is interested, you know it, you feel it, you don't get blown off for a tax return.

 

I was in 2 back to back long relationships and was new to online dating when I was 34, so I understand you. It completely took me by surprise how many guys there are out there. But it didn't take me long to figure out why so many of them were single

 

Not everyone will be like this one, but you have to learn when to walk away when someone is showing low interest or playing games, i.e. changing his profile pics a bunch of times but not having the chance to call you Good luck OP, it will get better!

[Art_Critic]

He treated you like crap and got angry with you after a first date.. huge red flag...

 

He is multi dating or has a GF, leave this chump alone...

[weeble78]

He's so full of it...

 

 

 

That's when I'd have cut him off.

 

Tax day comes around 4/15 and 8/15--those are the two deadlines for filing. Every year.

 

Lame, weak tea excuse. Then add to it everything else that's fallen out in experience? No, this guy wants to be your woman and wants you to woo him and chase him. That was offensive for a grown man to say he's not going to do any chasing--that means: you're not interesting enough for me to arse myself, so if you want to hang, OK.. it's something to do, but it's not enough for me to muster myself to anything like maintaining consistent interest.

 

Just no. Cut him loose and leave him alone.

 

Ha ha gosh I really am rubbish at this. Yikes. I wasn't impressed with the chasing comment but to be fair I was talking to and arranging a date with another guy at the same time. And told him. Because I wanted to be honest. Another friend has said since then not to be so open. But I felt he was being cocky so let him know he wasn't the only one.

 

Thank you.

[weeble78]

He's online and lives 90 miles away from you. He is definitely meeting and dating other women. He wasn't very interested but you tried to keep some sort of lifeline going on between the two of you and it does seem like he was getting annoyed by your contact.

 

Next time, don't chase. When you get the feeling that someone isn't quite interested, step back.

 

To be fair I forgot to mention that I am also talking to and potentially dating others and was open about it with him. This may have made a difference. He asked if I was so I told him and this was where the chasing comment came in. Still though, I didn't expect him to say this. I assumed that most people online dating are talking to multiple people at a time as it seems hard not to be. I did feel like I annoyed him a little so will hold up my hands, but still think he should have been more into me than that after several dates and weeks.

 

I need to practise the stepping back, I think I like to be in control too much and am a little impatient. Thanks for responding.

[weeble78]

Whenever it's confusing like this or you have work too hard, leave it alone. I had more than a few guys like this while online dating and after meeting my boyfriend, I realized what a bunch of nonsense it was. When someone is interested, you know it, you feel it, you don't get blown off for a tax return.

 

I was in 2 back to back long relationships and was new to online dating when I was 34, so I understand you. It completely took me by surprise how many guys there are out there. But it didn't take me long to figure out why so many of them were single

 

Not everyone will be like this one, but you have to learn when to walk away when someone is showing low interest or playing games, i.e. changing his profile pics a bunch of times but not having the chance to call you Good luck OP, it will get better!

 

Thanks for agreeing it's playing games. I always try and be easygoing though and not a pain in the ass. But I don't think that will serve me well. It's getting easier with experiences like this and feedback from people who've all been there though. So if a guy can't afford to go out or has tax returns to do, you just don't reply any further? I'm not used to cutting people off. I'm a player's heaven I think. I need to know more single people who are used to this! Thank you for your opinion, it really helps. If it gets better I'll let you know

[weeble78]

He treated you like crap and got angry with you after a first date.. huge red flag...

 

He is multi dating or has a GF, leave this chump alone...

 

Yeah I kind of had a gut feeling he wasn't playing nicely but I'm not great at identifying exactly why and then working out what to do about it. I've never in my life met a guy like this before. His longest R was 2 years with this last girl. And to be in a relationship that's full of rows, chase her halfway round the country to have her walk out on you then never speak again. Well that sounds like drama right there to start with. I didn't get a good feeling about that. He travels and I feel like even if he were moving things on with me I'd never trust him anyway. Another silly thing as well was he'd always spell my name wrong. I pulled him up on it and then when he got annoyed with me the other day he did it again.

 

Thanks for reading all that and for your input

[Zahara]

To be fair I forgot to mention that I am also talking to and potentially dating others and was open about it with him. This may have made a difference. He asked if I was so I told him and this was where the chasing comment came in. Still though, I didn't expect him to say this. I assumed that most people online dating are talking to multiple people at a time as it seems hard not to be. I did feel like I annoyed him a little so will hold up my hands, but still think he should have been more into me than that after several dates and weeks.

 

I need to practise the stepping back, I think I like to be in control too much and am a little impatient. Thanks for responding.

 

Meh. I'm not sure why anyone would be angered/offended by that fact. You both are online so it's a given that people are out there dating. He couldn't even muster date #2 and came up with a very lame excuse. I don't think he was interested past date #1.

 

No need to be in control and no need to be impatient. No need to rush the process unless you're in dire need to have someone. Otherwise, take your time getting to know people and implement a boundary system for yourself.

[weeble78]

Meh. I'm not sure why anyone would be angered/offended by that fact. You both are online so it's a given that people are out there dating. He couldn't even muster date #2 and came up with a very lame excuse. I don't think he was interested past date #1.

 

No need to be in control and no need to be impatient. No need to rush the process unless you're in dire need to have someone. Otherwise, take your time getting to know people and implement a boundary system for yourself.

 

Definitely need to work on the boundaries thing I think. My last relationship was quite abusive and completely wiped my common sense clean. Plus my confidence and self esteem. Which I've been working on.

 

Thank you for your analysis, most appreciated.

[weeble78]

So would you guys say that a normal process for dating looks like:

Guy asks you out

Go on first date

He asks you out again and stays in contact inbetween

Repeat and rinse

 

Like pretty simple? And I shouldn't need to get involved in setting up dates or pursuing?

[Gretchen12]

The whole thing appears confusing to you because you didn't have all the information. He is not over his ex. He is semi-dating you to get over his ex. Do you realize how many times I have heard people say they are trying to get over an ex by "getting out there"? Others also give advice to people dealing with heartbreak to "get out there".

He said the relationship with his ex was not good. Don't you know the emotionally turbulent relationships are the hardest ones to walk away from?

I wouldn't even be surprised if during the past months he has travelled to see her. You were being used as a distraction. That's why he did just enough to keep you around, but sorry to say you were nothing to him. People blatantly admit dating to get over an ex (read "use people").

So now you know. How often does it happen? I'd estimate at least 50% of the people online dating are getting over an ex. So yes this is what dating looks like if you swim where sharks feed.

[ChatroomHero]

So would you guys say that a normal process for dating looks like:

Guy asks you out

Go on first date

He asks you out again and stays in contact inbetween

Repeat and rinse

 

Like pretty simple? And I shouldn't need to get involved in setting up dates or pursuing?

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

 

Dating is often easier to figure out when you look at the situation practically. If the other person is hard to get a hold of, hard to schedule with, cancels even once in the early stages, a lot of people hope and want it to work but if they step outside and look in objectively, it is clear to see it won't work.

 

 

Basically if you take the hope of "I want it to work", you can actually clearly judge if it is working. People confused by dating when they are mature are not really confused, they are just not wanting to admit when a dud is a dud.

 

 

This guy from the situation is an ass. When confronted with their own crappy behavior, they turn it on you to make themselves feel like the victim and not the ass.

 

 

I had a similar situation. After the 2nd cancellation of plans I just went along for the ride. This girl set up plans, called me all the time, texted me constantly, then would cancel plans and disappear for a while until I would get a text out of the blue and she would start the same process over. She actually cancelled on me 11 times.

 

 

At one point I hadn't heard from her in a month or so and through a mutual friend's timeline on FB saw she had posted a bunch of pictures with her ex and her doing at different events so I just deleted her number and dropped her from social media. I didn't block her, but figured we are not really friends and not going to date, so what is the point?

 

 

A day later she sent me a text saying I hurt her by dropping her from FB and I was childish for not discussing her situation with her and her ex with her. Basically she said she was not with him, but she was definitely with him. I left it at that, but deep down was thinking, you gave me 11 lame excuses for cancelling, wasted my time after rescheduling other things just to be cancelled on, strung me along and now you are spending time with your ex and just basically being crappy to me, and I am the childish one?

 

 

I sum it up as...What ever helps you sleep at night, but don't ever expect a good reference from me...I think your situation is the same and you dodged a bullet.

[thefooloftheyear]

You're like a stray cat....

 

You keep coming around looking for a morsel...He pats you on the head and gives you a crumb,....Then shoos you off the porch...

 

Then you come back and he just does the same thing...over and over....

 

Get it??

 

TFY

[kendahke]

Thanks for agreeing it's playing games. I always try and be easygoing though and not a pain in the ass. But I don't think that will serve me well. It's getting easier with experiences like this and feedback from people who've all been there though. So if a guy can't afford to go out or has tax returns to do, you just don't reply any further? I'm not used to cutting people off. I'm a player's heaven I think. I need to know more single people who are used to this! Thank you for your opinion, it really helps. If it gets better I'll let you know

 

Go on Youtube and look up Derrick Jaxn--watch some of his videos. While his advice is mainly geared towards 20/30 somethings, a lot of what he says is universal. He'll help you sort this all out.

[elaine567]

Interested people are interested.

[weeble78]

The whole thing appears confusing to you because you didn't have all the information. He is not over his ex. He is semi-dating you to get over his ex. Do you realize how many times I have heard people say they are trying to get over an ex by "getting out there"? Others also give advice to people dealing with heartbreak to "get out there".

He said the relationship with his ex was not good. Don't you know the emotionally turbulent relationships are the hardest ones to walk away from?

I wouldn't even be surprised if during the past months he has travelled to see her. You were being used as a distraction. That's why he did just enough to keep you around, but sorry to say you were nothing to him. People blatantly admit dating to get over an ex (read "use people").

So now you know. How often does it happen? I'd estimate at least 50% of the people online dating are getting over an ex. So yes this is what dating looks like if you swim where sharks feed.

 

I did have a feeling that it might be that and I was wary once he'd told me about her but I always feel nothing ventured nothing gained. He didn't take long to show what he's like though. I got the feeling completely I was nothing to him. 50% seems so high. I don't understand why people say they're looking for a solid long term thing though. Why not just say you're dating around? And where does dating not look like swimming where sharks feed? I'd love to know...

[weeble78]

Absolutely.

 

 

Dating is often easier to figure out when you look at the situation practically. If the other person is hard to get a hold of, hard to schedule with, cancels even once in the early stages, a lot of people hope and want it to work but if they step outside and look in objectively, it is clear to see it won't work.

 

 

Basically if you take the hope of "I want it to work", you can actually clearly judge if it is working. People confused by dating when they are mature are not really confused, they are just not wanting to admit when a dud is a dud.

 

 

This guy from the situation is an ass. When confronted with their own crappy behavior, they turn it on you to make themselves feel like the victim and not the ass.

 

 

I had a similar situation. After the 2nd cancellation of plans I just went along for the ride. This girl set up plans, called me all the time, texted me constantly, then would cancel plans and disappear for a while until I would get a text out of the blue and she would start the same process over. She actually cancelled on me 11 times.

 

 

At one point I hadn't heard from her in a month or so and through a mutual friend's timeline on FB saw she had posted a bunch of pictures with her ex and her doing at different events so I just deleted her number and dropped her from social media. I didn't block her, but figured we are not really friends and not going to date, so what is the point?

 

 

A day later she sent me a text saying I hurt her by dropping her from FB and I was childish for not discussing her situation with her and her ex with her. Basically she said she was not with him, but she was definitely with him. I left it at that, but deep down was thinking, you gave me 11 lame excuses for cancelling, wasted my time after rescheduling other things just to be cancelled on, strung me along and now you are spending time with your ex and just basically being crappy to me, and I am the childish one?

 

 

I sum it up as...What ever helps you sleep at night, but don't ever expect a good reference from me...I think your situation is the same and you dodged a bullet.

 

Wow. 11 times. That says so much more about her than it does about you. Why would she have wasted her time doing that though? I'm obviously far too straight up and open about things, I'd never dream of doing that to somebody. I'm glad you got closure and found out the truth, otherwise you'd have been questioning yourself for a long time.

 

I understand what you're saying about it seeming easy. But I guess both my LTRs were started differently. Both guys were still into their exes and the relationships started for other reasons than having a relationship. I've never done the deliberately date and start off like that.

 

After your story and after the way this guy behaved post 3rd date and blaming me for some things, I think I've dodged a bigger bullet than I realised, and I don't think good things will come from a relationship with him for anybody. I prefer life to remain less complicated for sure.

 

Thanks for being so clear and taking the time out.

[weeble78]

You're like a stray cat....

 

You keep coming around looking for a morsel...He pats you on the head and gives you a crumb,....Then shoos you off the porch...

 

Then you come back and he just does the same thing...over and over....

 

Get it??

 

TFY

 

Ha ha thanks for the kind comparison. Yes I get it, but he was the one wanting to date me. I don't behave like that so I don't understand why someone else would. My mistake was getting in touch with him the second time around. I wasn't hanging around for him and have continued to date inbetween so I don't think I've lost anything. I think I've just gained a little more experience in how bizarrely people can waste their own time.

[kendahke]

I don't understand why people say they're looking for a solid long term thing though. Why not just say you're dating around?

 

I get this a lot in my age range (+57)... profile says something or complains about women not wanting relationships, you contact them, converse for a bit and then they drop off.

 

Unfortunately, this is part and parcel of using OLD as your sole means of meeting people. A whole lot has changed since you last were dating.

 

And where does dating not look like swimming where sharks feed? I'd love to know...

 

It is what it is... you have to grow a thick skin and try not to take it personally. Whatever their problem is, it's theirs not yours.

[smackie9]

Same old thing...date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...

[weeble78]

I get this a lot in my age range (+57)... profile says something or complains about women not wanting relationships, you contact them, converse for a bit and then they drop off.

 

Unfortunately, this is part and parcel of using OLD as your sole means of meeting people. A whole lot has changed since you last were dating.

 

 

 

It is what it is... you have to grow a thick skin and try not to take it personally. Whatever their problem is, it's theirs not yours.

 

Yeah OLD sucks, but as a single mum with rare opportunity to leave the house, it's one of my main ways of communicating with the outside world and trying to spread my net. I belong to socialising sites too as well as single parent ones. A lot of people like hiding behind screens and don't enjoy honesty or being upfront.

 

I definitely have to practise the thick skin. It's never something I've had before, although these days I feel like I'm just switching off my feelings to try and deal with it.

[Kelliousme]

Good job, you just got rid of a PoS

 

No reason why you should waste your time on a man who disappears, reappears, disappears. Constantly giving you excuses.. but still leading you on and then just ditches you/doesn't respond. If he's SOOO busy why is he constantly changing his profile picture? He has the time to do that but he doesn't have time to text you.

 

Men who doesn't follow up with what they say.. don't bother with them. Not worth your time.