Sh*t tests from women in a relationship

[beowulf44]

I'm looking back on my most recent relationship, and realizing that there were tons of sh*t tests in our relationship that I handled in various ways. (in case the term is unfamiliar to some, it is defined by urbandictionary as "a test that a girl performs on a male by saying or doing something to judge the reaction or response from him")

 

Some of the sh*t tests she threw my way:

 

- talking to other guys in front of me to make me jealous (I usually didnt care, but it did get to me towards the end of our relationship when she took it too far with a good friend of mine)

 

- telling me my appearance was unprofessional or that she didnt like x and y about my appearance (my response: I don't care, its who I am. Some examples - your hair is too long, my mom would like it more if you cut it, etc)

 

- making unreasonable requests for me to buy her things (can you please go across town to buy me x and y, its on my way home from work but I just want to go straight to gym. OR asking me to buy her a coffee on the way home while I'm driving back on my motorcycle lol)

 

- telling me she wants to get engaged to me within our first 1.5 months of dating (at first I thought she was serious, but looking back it seems so irrational that I almost question whether it was said to gauge my reaction... maybe I'm wrong here)

 

- throwing tantrums in public/at the gym and making mountains of molehills (she would quit the tantrums and apologize if I would leave the gym to go home whenever she started acting up)

 

 

 

Now, I know that some of this borders on truly questionable behavior, but at the same time, I know sh*t tests are a common thing in relationships. The dating coaches I follow all say you should not tolerate these or your gf will lose respect in your relationship - and that as you demonstrate emotional strength in a relationship, the partner will eventually get tired of sh*t tests and slowly stop.

 

So how do you handle these? My friend told me, for example, that I handled them poorly by trying to communicate with her about them (I can't buy you a coffee, I'm on my motorcycle) as opposed to just shutting them down hard and/or ignoring them outright. To be clear, sometimes I did take a hard stance, but looking back I think I was soft on too many of these sh*t tests.

 

From the limited time I've had on the forum recently, I get the vibe that most posters here equate sh*t tests with immature drama, and would advise to just find a partner who does not do this so often. Any input is appreciated.

[PegNosePete]

So how do you handle these?

I wouldn't handle them. I wouldn't even say they are tests at all, just immature selfish behaviour. These "dating coaches" have been filling your head with nonsense. The first point you mention is grounds to dump her the first time it happened.

 

would advise to just find a partner who does not do this so often.

Exactly. If you want an adult, mature relationship then find someone who is not immature and selfish.

[snowboy91]

In my last relationship there were probably more of these tests than I noticed at the time. I'd just jump through the hoops not because I was scared of losing the relationship, it was just more I couldn't be bothered with the drama of refusing.

 

But now that I know that I want a relationship where the two of us are putting in roughly equal effort, the need for such tests is gone. If someone keeps trying to test me I'll just get tired and leave. I don't have the patience for them any more.

[guest569]

I agree with Pete that they're not poo tests. They're just her being immature and selfish for sure. While I agree that you should not tolerate that behaviour, refusing to tolerate it by standing up for yourself and having solid boundaries and value may or may not change her. If she kept doing it then the only way to refuse to tolerate it is to leave. But at the same time relationships usually take a little work and compromise. So you don't want to be too hard. What you've described here is not worth putting up with.

[sabaton]

- talking to other guys in front of me to make me jealous (I usually didnt care, but it did get to me towards the end of our relationship when she took it too far with a good friend of mine)

She's addicted to male attention, and she is cheating or will probably cheat on you when you aren't giving her your attention 100% of the time, and a hot guy shows up and showers her with attention. What she is doing is also to be considered emotional manipulation.

 

I had a girlfriend once who told me that she had gone to one of the nude beaches she usually would visit, and that two guys approached her and told her that she looked just like Angelina Jolie. So I told her that I was no Brad Pitt and for her to go find her Brad Pitt, and I dumped her on the spot.

 

- telling me my appearance was unprofessional or that she didnt like x and y about my appearance (my response: I don't care, its who I am. Some examples - your hair is too long, my mom would like it more if you cut it, etc)

She started dating you when you looked the way that you do now, yes? Then she liked it, she's just trying to control you and to nag you.

 

- making unreasonable requests for me to buy her things (can you please go across town to buy me x and y, its on my way home from work but I just want to go straight to gym. OR asking me to buy her a coffee on the way home while I'm driving back on my motorcycle lol)

If she's hot, and if she's in America -she's extra hot with the little competition that she has around her for men, which in turn makes it possible for her to demand money, presents, gifts, and whatever else that she wants you to buy.

 

- telling me she wants to get engaged to me within our first 1.5 months of dating (at first I thought she was serious, but looking back it seems so irrational that I almost question whether it was said to gauge my reaction... maybe I'm wrong here)

How old is she??? It's not normal for a woman in her early 20s to think about marriage and children already.

 

- throwing tantrums in public/at the gym and making mountains of molehills (she would quit the tantrums and apologize if I would leave the gym to go home whenever she started acting up)

Drama queen alert. Imagine if you get married to this woman and then you have to deal with this everyday of the week, and you won't even have the weekend off to relax with your friends because she will nag you when you come back home.

 

Now, I know that some of this borders on truly questionable behavior, but at the same time, I know sh*t tests are a common thing in relationships.

No, they aren't. Don't let yourself be taken as an emotional hostage by an emotionally unhealthy partner. Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and pleasurable for those who are part of the relationship.

 

So how do you handle these? My friend told me, for example, that I handled them poorly by trying to communicate with her about them (I can't buy you a coffee, I'm on my motorcycle) as opposed to just shutting them down hard and/or ignoring them outright. To be clear, sometimes I did take a hard stance, but looking back I think I was soft on too many of these sh*t tests.

Dump her, take some time off from dating and then find yourself a mentally sane girlfriend.

Edited October 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[Woggle]

Why are you with her.

[guest569]

Why are you with her.

 

Sounded like they are no longer.

[Logo]

"dating coaches" have been filling your head with nonsense.

 

If you want an adult, mature relationship then find someone who is not immature and selfish.

 

 

 

 

I read some excerpts from the book of an alleged "dating coach". He rationalizes some behaviors as tests and explains how to pass them, but even if the man were to pass the tests, that doesn't change the woman's personality. So her "tests" could very well come back and rear their ugly head down the road in one form or another.

 

 

 

If a woman or a man need to test their dates, then they lack the maturity needed for a relationship. Who has time for that nonsense when one can have a relationship with a mature person who's confident enough that he or she doesn't need to "test" the person courting them?

[alphamale]

women are always testing men

[basil67]

I agree that these weren't tests. They were just what she thought was acceptable behaviour.

[Logo]

women are always testing men

 

 

Always?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ten characters]

[BaileyB]

Now, I know that some of this borders on truly questionable behavior, but at the same time, I know sh*t tests are a common thing in relationships.

 

So how do you handle these? I get the vibe that most posters here equate sh*t tests with immature drama, and would advise to just find a partner who does not do this so often.

 

Some of this borders on questionable behavior?

 

Sorry friend, these kinds of things are not common in a relationship when you date a woman who has developed emotional maturity, has self-control, and behaves responsibly towards others. So, you have the answer already... pick a better partner next time.

[Mx12345]

The fact that you consider sh** tests as a normal part of an early relationship is baffling. There is nothing normal or common about a woman (or man) purposely setting up "tests" for their significant other to see how they will react. This behavior is manipulative, narcissistic, and immature and no decent human being is going to do these tests on someone they are first starting to date.

 

Please stop listening to these "dating coaches" this is not normal behavior!

[Art_Critic]

Those don't sound like tests, more along the lines of shortcomings they should deal with...

[smackie9]

S&*^ test or just bad behavior...who cares. What's important is to dump someone who chooses to be this way in a relationship. No V is worth that.

[lurker74]

TRIGGER WARNING: There is about to be a lot of stereotypes in this post. If it doesn't apply to you, great. But it does apply to a lot.

 

Women claim to want nice guys. And they are generally being sincere when they say it. But there is often a dynamic that when the guy is nice to them, they reject it. Why? Because we are by nature hierarchical creatures and we want to constantly make sure that we are where we belong. That is why men tend to go for younger and often more attractive and women tend to go for older, less agreeable, and often (though not always) financially secure.

 

So what happens to nice guys? At first, they attract the woman because she's tired of jerks. But then, when he does things for her, or when he doesn't dismiss her inappropriate behaviors (such as tantrums), she loses respect because the only person who would do that is someone who views himself lower status than her (and therefore have to put up with it). This is not a conscious choice - it has literally been ingrained in her DNA for millions of years, long before humans even existed.

 

Now, there are plenty of women who don't act that way and are reasonable and most self-actualized, but even then, they will want a bit of spine when they inevitably act out (since we all, men and women, act out from time to time).

 

So back to your tests. She is constantly measuring you and finding you weak. Ironically, it is her OWN weakness but that is not how she views it. That doesn't mean you have to shut it down or that you cannot do nice things for her, but it does mean that being solicitous will end most relationships. Even the most independent woman on this board will likely admit that she does not want a solicitous BF. Surprising a GF with a cup of coffee is great - stopping on demand for her leads to a loss of respect.

 

So you can be nice but you have to make sure that there are equal parts service and being served, just like in any relationship. Otherwise you will be pegged as weak and therefore not worthy of her. Eventually that will turn into contempt. It sucks that it works like this but it pretty much does except in VERY rare circumstances.

[Andy_K]

Most dating coaches aren't claiming that women deliberately set up tests to catch you out. Rather, that it's a subconscious behaviour. They're on auto pilot, or lack boundaries, or immature, or however else you want to frame it.

 

Either way, you have three choices

1) Put up with whatever she does

2) Draw a line somewhere and set your boundaries

3) Find a different woman who's self-aware enough not to do this.

[beowulf44]

TRIGGER WARNING: There is about to be a lot of stereotypes in this post. If it doesn't apply to you, great. But it does apply to a lot.

 

Women claim to want nice guys. And they are generally being sincere when they say it. But there is often a dynamic that when the guy is nice to them, they reject it. Why? Because we are by nature hierarchical creatures and we want to constantly make sure that we are where we belong. That is why men tend to go for younger and often more attractive and women tend to go for older, less agreeable, and often (though not always) financially secure.

 

So what happens to nice guys? At first, they attract the woman because she's tired of jerks. But then, when he does things for her, or when he doesn't dismiss her inappropriate behaviors (such as tantrums), she loses respect because the only person who would do that is someone who views himself lower status than her (and therefore have to put up with it). This is not a conscious choice - it has literally been ingrained in her DNA for millions of years, long before humans even existed.

 

Now, there are plenty of women who don't act that way and are reasonable and most self-actualized, but even then, they will want a bit of spine when they inevitably act out (since we all, men and women, act out from time to time).

 

So back to your tests. She is constantly measuring you and finding you weak. Ironically, it is her OWN weakness but that is not how she views it. That doesn't mean you have to shut it down or that you cannot do nice things for her, but it does mean that being solicitous will end most relationships. Even the most independent woman on this board will likely admit that she does not want a solicitous BF. Surprising a GF with a cup of coffee is great - stopping on demand for her leads to a loss of respect.

 

So you can be nice but you have to make sure that there are equal parts service and being served, just like in any relationship. Otherwise you will be pegged as weak and therefore not worthy of her. Eventually that will turn into contempt. It sucks that it works like this but it pretty much does except in VERY rare circumstances.

Thanks Lurker. This is a way better way of explaining it than what I said.

 

The examples I posted - do they sound like **** tests? Or just immature behavior? And also, what do you think would have been the best way to deal with them? Ignore them if they’re silly, and be willing to walk away if they border on the psychotic?

 

Some other examples

- getting 'mad' at me if I'm not the first one to text her on any given work day (e.g. if we see each other at the gym at 6-7, and I haven't texted her all day due to work, she won't talk to me because I "didnt text her first" - let alone the fact that she could have done it)

 

- getting sometimes 'mad' at me if I dont immediately respond to her texts. E.g., if she'll fire off a string of texts, and if I dont respond within 10 mins, I get "k" and the silent treatment after

 

To be clear, I never begged, or supplicated, or cried, or apologized for anything Im didnt think I wasn’t in the wrong for (maybe 1 apology in 6 months). But sometimes I didnt always firmly put my foot down as much as I should have. And sometimes I did.

 

Also, bear in mind, with her it was incessant. Not even a few days would pass that weren't completely laden with drama and/or BS.

Edited October 18, 2018 by beowulf44

[d0nnivain]

Now, I know that some of this borders on truly questionable behavior, but at the same time, I know sh*t tests are a common thing in relationships. The dating coaches I follow all say you should not tolerate these or your gf will lose respect in your relationship - and that as you demonstrate emotional strength in a relationship, the partner will eventually get tired of sh*t tests and slowly stop.

 

So how do you handle these? My friend told me, for example, that I handled them poorly by trying to communicate with her about them (I can't buy you a coffee, I'm on my motorcycle) as opposed to just shutting them down hard and/or ignoring them outright. To be clear, sometimes I did take a hard stance, but looking back I think I was soft on too many of these sh*t tests.

 

From the limited time I've had on the forum recently, I get the vibe that most posters here equate sh*t tests with immature drama, and would advise to just find a partner who does not do this so often. Any input is appreciated.

 

**** tests are not common. What kind of people do you date? The fact that you think this kind of behavior is normal says a lot about you.

 

If you are on a date with somebody early on & they flirt with others overtly in front of you, you end the date, & stop dating them. You can make a joke out of it at the time, "Hey I'm over here". You can talk about it. Some people are just flirty. If that bothers you don't date that person.

 

Anybody who talks about marriage in a concrete way 1.5 month in, is a bad prospect. It's one thing to say "I eventually want to get married" in a general sense to convey that you're not interested in casual or FWB but it's a huge red flag to be specific that early. In response to a statement like that you ask "why?" You probe & you push the fact that you two don't even know each other so the person comes to understand how inane their statement is.

 

Requests to buy big ticket items are another red flag. A playful nudge on something small -- cup of coffee, drink, etc. -- depends on the circumstances. DH & I had been together about 5 months. I found a really cute pair of flip flops on sale for $2 but I had no cash so I asked him to buy them for me. I really didn't want to charge $2. Then I fussed & flirted about how happy I was that he bought me "shoes" pronouncing him the Best BF Ever! I made sure to pick up the check at dinner that night.

 

It seems she was just badly behaved. The nonsense about the timing of your texts screams immaturity & self centeredness. I doubt anything that she did was calculated to see how you'd react. Frankly she does not seem that clever.

[MaleIntuition]

With solid boundaries and higher standards none of that matters anyway.

 

Look: if you are basing your dating around trying to pass “tests” you are indirectly accepting tests (which by the logic presented above in itself should be considered a failure of test). The only way to win is to establish your boundaries and refuse to play. If her behaviour is unacceptable to you; walk away.

[guest569]

I wonder why OP is so determined to believe that she was 'poo testing' him. What does he have to gain from that?

[elaine567]

I wonder why OP is so determined to believe that she was 'poo testing' him. What does he have to gain from that?

 

 

It is all about shifting blame, if she is proven to be "the bad, mad crazy one" then it takes the focus off his own flaws and bad traits.

Read his other threads.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wonder why OP is so determined to believe that she was 'poo testing' him. What does he have to gain from that?

 

It could be his way of regaining a sense of control about the breakup, thinking that "If I had just passed her multiple tests, we could be together now. Maybe if I show her I can better pass her tests in the future, we can be together again!"

 

A way of rationalizing her latest break-up in such a way that makes reconciliation seem more possible to him, if you will.

[basil67]

Thanks Lurker. This is a way better way of explaining it than what I said.

 

The examples I posted - do they sound like **** tests? Or just immature behavior? And also, what do you think would have been the best way to deal with them? Ignore them if they’re silly, and be willing to walk away if they border on the psychotic?

 

Some other examples

- getting 'mad' at me if I'm not the first one to text her on any given work day (e.g. if we see each other at the gym at 6-7, and I haven't texted her all day due to work, she won't talk to me because I "didnt text her first" - let alone the fact that she could have done it)

 

- getting sometimes 'mad' at me if I dont immediately respond to her texts. E.g., if she'll fire off a string of texts, and if I dont respond within 10 mins, I get "k" and the silent treatment after

 

To be clear, I never begged, or supplicated, or cried, or apologized for anything Im didnt think I wasn’t in the wrong for (maybe 1 apology in 6 months). But sometimes I didnt always firmly put my foot down as much as I should have. And sometimes I did.

 

Also, bear in mind, with her it was incessant. Not even a few days would pass that weren't completely laden with drama and/or BS.

 

Beowulf, I would have walked away from someone who did this. No hesitation. It's not her behaviour which you need to question, but rather why you put up with this for so long. I suggest you could do with strengthening your own boundaries

[basil67]

TRIGGER WARNING: There is about to be a lot of stereotypes in this post. If it doesn't apply to you, great. But it does apply to a lot.

 

Women claim to want nice guys. And they are generally being sincere when they say it. But there is often a dynamic that when the guy is nice to them, they reject it. Why? Because we are by nature hierarchical creatures and we want to constantly make sure that we are where we belong. That is why men tend to go for younger and often more attractive and women tend to go for older, less agreeable, and often (though not always) financially secure.

 

So what happens to nice guys? At first, they attract the woman because she's tired of jerks. But then, when he does things for her, or when he doesn't dismiss her inappropriate behaviors (such as tantrums), she loses respect because the only person who would do that is someone who views himself lower status than her (and therefore have to put up with it). This is not a conscious choice - it has literally been ingrained in her DNA for millions of years, long before humans even existed.

 

Now, there are plenty of women who don't act that way and are reasonable and most self-actualized, but even then, they will want a bit of spine when they inevitably act out (since we all, men and women, act out from time to time).

 

So back to your tests. She is constantly measuring you and finding you weak. Ironically, it is her OWN weakness but that is not how she views it. That doesn't mean you have to shut it down or that you cannot do nice things for her, but it does mean that being solicitous will end most relationships. Even the most independent woman on this board will likely admit that she does not want a solicitous BF. Surprising a GF with a cup of coffee is great - stopping on demand for her leads to a loss of respect.

 

So you can be nice but you have to make sure that there are equal parts service and being served, just like in any relationship. Otherwise you will be pegged as weak and therefore not worthy of her. Eventually that will turn into contempt. It sucks that it works like this but it pretty much does except in VERY rare circumstances.

 

To summarise, a combination of being a good person who is able to be assertive within the relationship is what many women want. I think some men get stuck being either passive or aggressive - while overlooking the skill of being assertive.