Is this an online dating red flag?

[Gretchen12]

I was contacted by a man from an online dating site. He's good looking. He asked for my number, I gave it him and he called etc. He would call me early every morning, seems like a nice guy. He's a single father and he'd send me photos of his kids. All very wholesome so far. 3-4 days like this, he hasn't asked to meet in person, but he's already calling me honey (I understand maybe that's just how some people talk). Then on the phone he started asking me how many men I'm talking to, how long I've been on the site, and how many sites I'm on. I answered (not many/not long). Then he told me there is no need to talk to many people and that I should delete my account on the OLD site. I'm thinking, but we haven't met!

What is this red flag signaling? Is he getting over a break up? He's got good looks and good career, good life, he should have no problem finding a woman. Something doesn't feel right. But I'm not sure what.

[Daniel95]

I'm not familiar with dating sites but calling someone "honey" when you didn't even have one date with them is kinda weird...He seems to be moving too fast. It depends on how attracted you find yourself to this man. If you'll like to take your chances, tell him to arrange a date. Otherwise, move on.

[j402]

This is a very big red flag. He's already trying to control you.

 

Please pull back slowly and see what happens from there.

 

HUGE RED FLAG. Chill out with him and see how it plays out.

[Garcon1986]

Difficult to sort out what is in this bloke's mind, but it could be insecurity, to getting over the divorce, to projection of him being able to be on many sites but you shouldn't be on many sites... just speculation. Could be just joshing you around. Consider having a quick chat with him on the phone one day, and ask him about it? That way it's safe for you, and you don't have to worry about any upset man juju if he gets offended by the question.

[Gretchen12]

I did not obey him, by the way. My profile is still on. I'm interested enough to meet him some time soon, in a public place of course.

He hasn't seen me in person. How can he be so sure we'd work out, that he'd tell me to stop talking to other men? That's what I don't get.

[vla1120]

I did not obey him, by the way. My profile is still on. I'm interested enough to meet him some time soon, in a public place of course.

He hasn't seen me in person. How can he be so sure we'd work out, that he'd tell me to stop talking to other men? That's what I don't get.

 

Just keep listening to the red flags and you should be okay. Proceed with caution.

[nospam99]

he hasn't asked to meet in person, but he's already calling me honey (I understand maybe that's just how some people talk). Then on the phone he started asking me how many men I'm talking to, how long I've been on the site, and how many sites I'm on. I answered (not many/not long). Then he told me there is no need to talk to many people and that I should delete my account on the OLD site. I'm thinking, but we haven't met!

What is this red flag signaling? Is he getting over a break up? He's got good looks and good career, good life, he should have no problem finding a woman. Something doesn't feel right. But I'm not sure what.

 

I'm a guy and I've been doing OLD for a little over a year. I don't know about 'feeling right'. But he's breaking two of my rules...

- talking without asking to meet

- telling you to delete your account

 

Maybe he's just really new to OLD. But a message is not a meeting is not a date is not a relationship. In my world, it's important to move things along to find out if the couple is truly a match. And no reason to tell a woman to get off OLD unless and until she's found what she's looking for. If he's assuming he's what you're looking for, he's WAY ahead of the game. I don't know if you'd be comfortable straight out asking, but WHY

- hasn't he asked to meet and

- does he think you should delete your profile now

[PegNosePete]

This sounds very much like a 419 scammer to me. I would delete and block, and NEXT.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance-fee_scam#Romance_scam

Edited October 15, 2018 by PegNosePete

[Gretchen12]

This sounds very much like a 419 scammer to me. I would delete and block, and NEXT.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance-fee_scam#Romance_scam

 

Yes, that did occur to me. I suspected he is:

- getting over an ex.

- serial rapist.

- scam for money.

- mentally ill.

- married.

 

In any case, there's controlling behavior, asking me what I'm doing, where I'm going, so I'm feeling weird about it.

[lurker74]

Yes, that did occur to me. I suspected he is:

- getting over an ex.

- serial rapist.

- scam for money.

- mentally ill.

- married.

 

In any case, there's controlling behavior, asking me what I'm doing, where I'm going, so I'm feeling weird about it.

 

Well, I suspect he's just socially awkward more than anything. The scam for money is easy - he'll ask and you report. I don't see any evidence for serial rapist and while you MUST be safe, it's a lot easier to track people down who meet on OLD so I would be more worried in another context. Most people are getting over an ex to one degree or another.

 

But here's the thing. You don't need any reason to move on. If it doesn't feel right, for Pete's sake, move on. Don't second guess your instinct.

[Gretchen12]

But here's the thing. You don't need any reason to move on. If it doesn't feel right, for Pete's sake, move on. Don't second guess your instinct.

 

That's good advice. I don't have a good feeling about it.

[PRW]

I'm sure I'm just going to echo the others....

 

The guy is horribly insecure, needy, clingy (all those over-used worn out terms). At the same time he is gutless in that he couldn't bring himself to make a date. The whole thing of asking about your whole OLD history and suggesting removing your account is really really,...REALLY,...bad. Maybe even the dangerous kind of bad. How in the world did he manage to have kids? He must have got there on his looks alone when he was younger and the woman was "young & stupid". Sending "kid pics" and calling you every morning, calling you honey,...while never meeting you in person,...it sounds like he is living in his own fantasy world.

 

The "honey" thing is an eyebrow raiser but pales in comparison to the other things. I have waitresses call me that when they ask for my order for my meal. No big deal.

[Gretchen12]

I'm sure I'm just going to echo the others....

 

The guy is horribly insecure, needy, clingy (all those over-used worn out terms). At the same time he is gutless in that he couldn't bring himself to make a date.

 

I am being love bombed. I did play along and counter-bombed a little but I'm not feeling it. The more this goes on via text, the less I want to meet him. Aside from suspecting him to be poison, I'm just turned off, although he's good looking it doesn't make up for it.

 

I don't understand how love bombing can ever work on anyone. He just seems desperate, not Romeo.

[smackie9]

He's a jerk.....run forest run!

[PRW]

I don't understand how love bombing can ever work on anyone. He just seems desperate, not Romeo.

 

Love Bombing is a characteristic of Narcissism, it is a tool they use against you. It is the "Pull" part of the Push & Pull thing they use. The insecurity he seems to show could actually not be "real" insecurity but could be what is termed "Covert Narcissism" which is often mistaken for insecurity. Basically the sudo insecurity gets used as a manipulation tool.

 

 

Anyway, I clearly don't know the guy,...I'm just throwing things out there to think about.

 

 

Check out this video. Even if it doesn't apply, I found it very interesting:

 

 

The 4 Types of Narcissism You Need To Know

 

[JuneL]

I heard sociopaths like to love bomb (and lie like no tomorrow) too.

 

Love Bombing is a characteristic of Narcissism, it is a tool they use against you. It is the "Pull" part of the Push & Pull thing they use. The insecurity he seems to show could actually not be "real" insecurity but could be what is termed "Covert Narcissism" which is often mistaken for insecurity. Basically the sudo insecurity gets used as a manipulation tool.

 

 

Anyway, I clearly don't know the guy,...I'm just throwing things out there to think about.

 

 

Check out this video. Even if it doesn't apply, I found it very interesting:

 

 

The 4 Types of Narcissism You Need To Know

 

[PRW]

I heard sociopaths like to love bomb (and lie like no tomorrow) too.

 

Yea, that whole class of personality disorders are like that. Sociopathy is very very similar to psychopathy. It is very difficult to distinguish between them. A couple statements Dr. Ramani Durvasula said that puts it into perspective is:

 

Psychopaths are born (genetic) while Sociopaths are created (learned behavor)

 

The other statement was:

 

All Psychopaths are Narcissists, but not all Narcissists are Psychopaths.

 

I guess that would make some Narcissists to be Sociopaths, hence, learned behavor.

 

Narcissist, Psychopath, or Sociopath: How to Spot the Differences

Edited October 15, 2018 by PRW

[Purrrfect]

I’ve done online dating and this guy has red flags all over it. Who knows if he is even local? He could be in Nigeria for all you know.

 

It’s a good idea to establish immed that the guy is local and willing to meet after making initial contact. You don’t want to waste your time with a flake. Lots of flakes and time wasters online.

[Barb1a]

There are many red flags here. But I will only name a couple. First, this guy is acting like he knows you and he doesn't. A mature man with children wouldn't act that way, he would be more well-rounded. Second, he's telling you what to do and he's never even met you. There are so many more red flags, however I am more concerned about the fact that you are still in some ways trying to normalize this it seems for relationship sake. When dating online women should be more cautious than at any other time and when there are these many flags address them right away directly to the guy online, which shows your relationship strength by the way, and if this guy doesn't have a good rebuttal and if he doesn't correct this behavior move on quickly. Work on your own inner wholeness as well because when we are not whole we tend to attract guys that are broken. I am including a link below with Free information that can help along the journey to your own wholeness.

 

 

https://innerhealing-live.lpages.co/biggest-hindrances-to-womens-emotional-health/

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I was contacted by a man from an online dating site. He's good looking. He asked for my number, I gave it him and he called etc. He would call me early every morning, seems like a nice guy. He's a single father and he'd send me photos of his kids. All very wholesome so far. 3-4 days like this, he hasn't asked to meet in person, but he's already calling me honey (I understand maybe that's just how some people talk). Then on the phone he started asking me how many men I'm talking to, how long I've been on the site, and how many sites I'm on. I answered (not many/not long). Then he told me there is no need to talk to many people and that I should delete my account on the OLD site. I'm thinking, but we haven't met!

What is this red flag signaling? Is he getting over a break up? He's got good looks and good career, good life, he should have no problem finding a woman. Something doesn't feel right. But I'm not sure what.

 

 

HUGE red flags. This can end in 1 of 2 ways. 1. The guy is super controlling and psychotic. 2. The guy is love bombing you. I had an experience similar where the guy turned out too good to be true. He love bombed me like crazy even before we met and started telling me that he would be the last guy I'd date, that I should delete my profile etc. In the end, he lied to me and tried to get me to do sexual things. Do not go out w/him and block him! If he is good looking, this can point to an ego stroke. If you stop dating other guys, he will have control and be able to have you chasing after him.

[Zippy2000]

Then on the phone he started asking me how many men I'm talking to, how long I've been on the site, and how many sites I'm on. I answered (not many/not long). Then he told me there is no need to talk to many people and that I should delete my account on the OLD site. I'm thinking, but we haven't met!

What is this red flag signaling? Is he getting over a break up? He's got good looks and good career, good life, he should have no problem finding a woman. Something doesn't feel right. But I'm not sure what.

 

 

A red flag as a marker. red as in warning or danger signals. Its like when you enter the words Ak47 gun or bomb into Google. This would trigger a red flag as a warning or an alert to be looked into.

 

 

Yes, to answer your question the above behaviours are red flags. Now, I don't know the guy but by reading what you have wrote in the above paragraph. I would say he could be a possessive type of guy. Most people who are like this TELL you what they WANT you to do to make THEM happy.

 

 

If you like him I would say slow it down to check on his behaviour. Give it time to see how he reacts. He`s a total stranger and it takes time to get to know someone. Just go with the flow BUT on your timescale.

[zoe82]

This is a very big red flag. He's already trying to control you.

 

Please pull back slowly and see what happens from there.

 

HUGE RED FLAG. Chill out with him and see how it plays out.

 

Agree! Run the hills, girl! Aint no man telling you what to do with your life!

[PRW]

There are many red flags here. But I will only name a couple. First, this guy is acting like he knows you and he doesn't. A mature man with children wouldn't act that way, he would be more well-rounded.

 

This got me thinking. Everything about the guy could be fake. As someone else said, he could be in Nigeria somewhere. How hard is it to come up with a fake pic of someone "good looking" to represent yourself and then come up with the fake pics of "kids" to show?

 

I personally know of someone who was taken by one of these guys. He talked her into sending him money. When the money vanished she contacted him to confront him and he just flat admitted that he "conned" her. He said that was how he makes his living and it was "just business, nothing personal". I think he was from Nigeria actually.

[lavenderandvelvet]

I’ll just echo everyone else. You should stop. Reminds me of the sketchy guy I talked to recently. His story kept changing and he repeated stuff. I was like you sound like a bot. Needless to say he kept repeating the same drivel.

[andie1969]

I'm wondering if the pics of him/his kids are even real. I had a few very attractive men come on real strong at first and I even reverse googled a pic of one and it was from some ad. Until you meet someone in person, they are no one to you.