How not to mess this up

[ZA Dater]

Well lets be honest I don't have the most fantastic record however I did meet someone on Tinder which I do quite like, actually she ticks a lot of boxes.

 

 

1: American, lived all over

2: Learned

3: Has opinions

4: Challenging and likes an intellectual conversation.

5: Stunning physical appearance

6: Great accent

 

 

Just a very nice person the slight negative is she is 36 which is perhaps older than I would like. Seems to have a genuine interest in me and seems to date more according to how this forum thinks dating should work

 

 

1: Call

2: Video chat

3: Meet up

 

 

Dinner date, probably not the best of idea, coffee, seems passé, hike, not sure, may go for an ice cream type date.

 

 

I am being realistic here, ladies like this typically don't like me because they have tons of choice and I always seem to mess something up when I meet them. The problem is I need to somehow carry the confidence I project over the phone to in person which is very, very hard.

 

 

Any tips how to fake this enough to be convincing?

 

 

Again I am not hoping for that much but I would like to at least put forward a decent effort.

[lurker74]

OK...first date tips:

 

1) Make sure it's at night. First meets need a bit of romance in the air and you cannot generate that easily with the sun up...so only after sundown

 

2) Do your research. Re-read he profile and your text. Find two or three things mentioned in passing. Put those in your back pocket for questions for her. Ask questions and follow up on those questions...don't listen for points at which you start your story...listen for what questions you're going to ask as a follow up. If she's telling you about her trip to Thailand, don't just listen. Mention that you want to go but weren't sure what places to hit...what were her favorites? What would she skip? Is three days long enough for Bangkok. Ask questions.

 

3) Smile. Not goofy smile but whereas picking up a woman in a bar requires most men to be mysterious, you want to make her feel like she's attractive. Doesn't matter that she is - she has to FEEL it. Ironically, some of the most attractive women I've been with needed that MORE than average.

 

4) Make sure she eats beforehand. Not because you're cheap but because alcohol will be involved most likely and dinner is a silly first meet. But choose a place near the ice cream so that if it goes well, you can ask her to get ice cream with you afterward. But make sure the date is "Let's grab drinks some time after 8...I'm meeting friends for dinner at 6:30 so that should work. Sound good?"

 

5) Remember that there are plenty of people in the world and give her your attention but don't assume that you NEED her. Remembering that should give you enough confidence to do the most important thing...have fun! You're meeting a new person, not facing a firing squad. Maybe it doesn't work out but that doesn't mean you can't get to know a new person regardless of romantic entanglements.

 

6) Break the physical barrier. At some point, you have to touch her. When is tough and it often feels awkward but you have to. If she touches you first...at all, including hitting, slapping playfully, removing lint, then that's your signal. Otherwise, you have to break the barrier at some point by touching her hand, her thigh or something (hugs don't count).

 

7) Go for the kiss. If things go well, kiss her. She needs to confirm the feelings from the date physically. Yes, go ahead and ask her first. And make it good. No tongue at first unless she uses hers. Right hand on her lower back, left hand behind her ear.

 

8) Text her when you leave. The three day rule is BS. And ask her to text you when she gets home. Women are as good at anything as men but your average women still likes to feel protected at times.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Edited October 10, 2018 by lurker74

[ZA Dater]

OK...first date tips:

 

1) Make sure it's at night. First meets need a bit of romance in the air and you cannot generate that easily with the sun up...so only after sundown

 

2) Do your research. Re-read he profile and your text. Find two or three things mentioned in passing. Put those in your back pocket for questions for her. Ask questions and follow up on those questions...don't listen for points at which you start your story...listen for what questions you're going to ask as a follow up. If she's telling you about her trip to Thailand, don't just listen. Mention that you want to go but weren't sure what places to hit...what were her favorites? What would she skip? Is three days long enough for Bangkok. Ask questions.

 

3) Smile. Not goofy smile but whereas picking up a woman in a bar requires most men to be mysterious, you want to make her feel like she's attractive. Doesn't matter that she is - she has to FEEL it. Ironically, some of the most attractive women I've been with needed that MORE than average.

 

4) Make sure she eats beforehand. Not because you're cheap but because alcohol will be involved most likely and dinner is a silly first meet. But choose a place near the ice cream so that if it goes well, you can ask her to get ice cream with you afterward. But make sure the date is "Let's grab drinks some time after 8...I'm meeting friends for dinner at 6:30 so that should work. Sound good?"

 

5) Remember that there are plenty of people in the world and give her your attention but don't assume that you NEED her. Remembering that should give you enough confidence to do the most important thing...have fun! You're meeting a new person, not facing a firing squad. Maybe it doesn't work out but that doesn't mean you can't get to know a new person regardless of romantic entanglements.

 

6) Break the physical barrier. At some point, you have to touch her. When is tough and it often feels awkward but you have to. If she touches you first...at all, including hitting, slapping playfully, removing lint, then that's your signal. Otherwise, you have to break the barrier at some point by touching her hand, her thigh or something (hugs don't count).

 

7) Go for the kiss. If things go well, kiss her. She needs to confirm the feelings from the date physically. Yes, go ahead and ask her first. And make it good. No tongue at first unless she uses hers. Right hand on her lower back, left hand behind her ear.

 

8) Text her when you leave. The three day rule is BS. And ask her to text you when she gets home. Women are as good at anything as men but your average women still likes to feel protected at times.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

 

 

 

Thanks, the touching part puts me quite far out of my comfort zone but I'll attempt it.

[BaileyB]

Don't over think it.

 

Just relax, enjoy her company, and try to have some fun. Good luck.

[Malin889]

You have a lot of “boxes to tick.” What does it matter how old she is? You should like a person for who they are, not for the traits you want them to have. Online dating is hard because people can be superficial with the pictures they see or the profiles they read, and most of the time if they see or read something they don’t like, they’ll never get to know that person. I’m not saying you, I mean, in general. I know I’m guilty of it as well.

[alphamale]

OK...first date tips:

 

1) Make sure it's at night. First meets need a bit of romance in the air and you cannot generate that easily with the sun up...so only after sundown

 

2) Do your research. Re-read he profile and your text. Find two or three things mentioned in passing. Put those in your back pocket for questions for her. Ask questions and follow up on those questions...don't listen for points at which you start your story...listen for what questions you're going to ask as a follow up. If she's telling you about her trip to Thailand, don't just listen. Mention that you want to go but weren't sure what places to hit...what were her favorites? What would she skip? Is three days long enough for Bangkok. Ask questions.

 

3) Smile. Not goofy smile but whereas picking up a woman in a bar requires most men to be mysterious, you want to make her feel like she's attractive. Doesn't matter that she is - she has to FEEL it. Ironically, some of the most attractive women I've been with needed that MORE than average.

 

4) Make sure she eats beforehand. Not because you're cheap but because alcohol will be involved most likely and dinner is a silly first meet. But choose a place near the ice cream so that if it goes well, you can ask her to get ice cream with you afterward. But make sure the date is "Let's grab drinks some time after 8...I'm meeting friends for dinner at 6:30 so that should work. Sound good?"

 

5) Remember that there are plenty of people in the world and give her your attention but don't assume that you NEED her. Remembering that should give you enough confidence to do the most important thing...have fun! You're meeting a new person, not facing a firing squad. Maybe it doesn't work out but that doesn't mean you can't get to know a new person regardless of romantic entanglements.

 

6) Break the physical barrier. At some point, you have to touch her. When is tough and it often feels awkward but you have to. If she touches you first...at all, including hitting, slapping playfully, removing lint, then that's your signal. Otherwise, you have to break the barrier at some point by touching her hand, her thigh or something (hugs don't count).

7) Go for the kiss. If things go well, kiss her. She needs to confirm the feelings from the date physically. Yes, go ahead and ask her first. And make it good. No tongue at first unless she uses hers. Right hand on her lower back, left hand behind her ear.

 

8) Text her when you leave. The three day rule is BS. And ask her to text you when she gets home. Women are as good at anything as men but your average women still likes to feel protected at times.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

 

touching her on the thigh on a first date is probably not a good idea. touching her forearms is probably better...

[PRW]

6) Break the physical barrier. At some point, you have to touch her. When is tough and it often feels awkward but you have to. If she touches you first...at all, including hitting, slapping playfully, removing lint, then that's your signal. Otherwise, you have to break the barrier at some point by touching her hand, her thigh or something (hugs don't count).

 

7) Go for the kiss. If things go well, kiss her. She needs to confirm the feelings from the date physically. Yes, go ahead and ask her first. And make it good. No tongue at first unless she uses hers. Right hand on her lower back, left hand behind her ear.

 

8) Text her when you leave. The three day rule is BS. And ask her to text you when she gets home. Women are as good at anything as men but your average women still likes to feel protected at times.

 

#6 Touching the thigh on a first date without very strong indicator from her will make you the next #metoo accused. The rest of #6 is ok.

 

#7 Kissing is cultural and regional. In the area I live trying to kiss on the first date without strong indicators will make you the next #metoo accused just like the thigh touching.

 

#8 I'm not a "3 day guy" but it is still the best idea. The next time you contact her should be to make the next date,...not idle chit-chat. I'm not a big fan of the "text when she gets home" unless there was a specific reason to think there would be a problem. Otherwise it just creates needless panic from the guy if for some reason she doesn't do that when she gets home.

 

I like the rest of the points.

[MidwestUSA]

Whatever you do, don't let her know that you think 36 is too old for you.

 

I thought you were 33 or thereabouts?

[brigit87]

Well lets be honest I don't have the most fantastic record however I did meet someone on Tinder which I do quite like, actually she ticks a lot of boxes.

 

 

1: American, lived all over

2: Learned

3: Has opinions

4: Challenging and likes an intellectual conversation.

5: Stunning physical appearance

6: Great accent

 

 

Just a very nice person the slight negative is she is 36 which is perhaps older than I would like. Seems to have a genuine interest in me and seems to date more according to how this forum thinks dating should work

 

 

1: Call

2: Video chat

3: Meet up

 

 

Dinner date, probably not the best of idea, coffee, seems passé, hike, not sure, may go for an ice cream type date.

 

 

I am being realistic here, ladies like this typically don't like me because they have tons of choice and I always seem to mess something up when I meet them. The problem is I need to somehow carry the confidence I project over the phone to in person which is very, very hard.

 

 

Any tips how to fake this enough to be convincing?

 

 

Again I am not hoping for that much but I would like to at least put forward a decent effort.

 

Has she seen the real you or photoshopped pictures?

[ZA Dater]

Has she seen the real you or photoshopped pictures?

 

 

 

Real pictures.

[guest569]

Real pictures.

 

I was going to suggest that you ensure the venue has a backdrop that matches your heavily edited photos. Since that was the sole reason the last date went wrong.

 

Why did your settings go up to 36yo?

[JuneL]

I get the feeling this date will go better than your previous dates with 20-something girls from Tinder.

[elaine567]

Why did your settings go up to 36yo?

 

 

His settings should always have been higher. he is a 33 y o guy who has a friendbase of 40+ yos,

He is no Peter Pan, clubbing the night away, his interests are not those of the 20 somethings he wants to date.

36yo is a lot closer to the mark here.

Fingers crossed it goes well.

[brigit87]

Real pictures.

 

Marry her.

[Chilli]

Don't over think it.

 

Just relax, enjoy her company, and try to have some fun. Good luck.

 

 

l second this motion

Hope it goes well for ya za , good luck eh.

ps , isn't that around your age anyway , if she's young for her age it'll balance out nicely. Actually someone a bit more matured than your use to could even be just what the doctor ordered because you seem like a thinker soooo, never know, keep an open mind and give it a go..

[ZA Dater]

The appeal with her is also that she is very different and for some reason I seem to seek out those who stand out in some way and she just does. Conversationally it seems to work very well.

 

 

I will admit the accent is very nice too...

 

 

I think my age is around 27-28 ideally but for once here I don't think I would be compromising very heavily notwithstanding she is 36.

[MidwestUSA]

 

I think my age is around 27-28 ideally but for once here I don't think I would be compromising very heavily notwithstanding she is 36.

 

But you DO feel like you're compromising (but it's okay, cuz it's not much ). That's not a good way to go into this. With what sample size of previous dates did you determine your 'ideal'?

 

 

Did you read Elaine's post? It's spot on.

[brigit87]

But you DO feel like you're compromising (but it's okay, cuz it's not much ). That's not a good way to go into this. With what sample size of previous dates did you determine your 'ideal'?

 

 

Did you read Elaine's post? It's spot on.

 

I agree.

 

I don't understand why he isn't walking on air, celebrating and looking at engagement rings. From what I've heard of OP's dating experience this is the best he's ever had.

 

And what's going to happen is he'll say something like "Oh I don't mind that you're 36" and she's going to get insulted (rightfully so) and dump him.

[guest569]

I was asking why you would have your settings to display 36 Yr old women when you don't want that. Or do you? Why 27 or 28? do you realise that people vary so much in maturity and life experience.

[ZA Dater]

I was asking why you would have your settings to display 36 Yr old women when you don't want that. Or do you? Why 27 or 28? do you realise that people vary so much in maturity and life experience.

 

 

 

Simply because I'd rather within reason take a wider age range in order to enlarge the potential pool of daters.

 

 

At the end of the day I don't believe you ever get what you want at dating, its about getting most of what you want.

[ZA Dater]

I agree.

 

I don't understand why he isn't walking on air, celebrating and looking at engagement rings. From what I've heard of OP's dating experience this is the best he's ever had.

 

And what's going to happen is he'll say something like "Oh I don't mind that you're 36" and she's going to get insulted (rightfully so) and dump him.

 

 

 

The one thing I don't know about her is what she does for a living and that may well be a deal killer.

 

 

I don't really get that excited about dates anymore because they all tend to go the same way, so my objective from the outset is to have a nice time and if she likes me great, if not well I had a decent enough time.

 

 

At the end of the day I haven't dated ever and I am set in my ways so may well find the whole set up simply isn't for me. Added to which I don't really open up much in person so I have to try and overcome that and my inherent unintentional ability to turn dates into interviews.

[BaileyB]

The one thing I don't know about her is what she does for a living and that may well be a deal killer.

 

Unless she is a prostitute, don't worry about this... It should not be a deal breaker.

 

Who cares what she does for a living or if she is older than he 20 year olds you prefer to date. You are creating problems where they do not exist. If you do this, you will sabotage this opportunity.

[ZA Dater]

Unless she is a prostitute, don't worry about this... It should not be a deal breaker.

 

Who cares what she does for a living or if she is older than he 20 year olds you prefer to date. You are creating problems where they do not exist. If you do this, you will sabotage this opportunity.

 

 

 

It depends, it matter with some people and matters less with others. The older the person the more important what they do for a living is, if she is someone who wonders around the world on a whim that's a deal killer, though having said the last overly corporate one was also a deal breaker...so its down to the person.

[brigit87]

It depends, it matter with some people and matters less with others. The older the person the more important what they do for a living is, if she is someone who wonders around the world on a whim that's a deal killer, though having said the last overly corporate one was also a deal breaker...so its down to the person.

 

LOL!

 

You want to be single.

 

If you're this picky about little stuff you'll never be able to deal with the big stuff.

 

Don't date.

 

So to answer your topic question: How Not to Mess this Up?

 

The answer is you can't. You don't really want to date anyone. You cannot accept anything less than fantasy.

Edited October 11, 2018 by brigit87

[BaileyB]

If she is someone who wonders around the world on a whim that's a deal killer, though having said the last overly corporate one was also a deal breaker...so its down to the person.

 

Well obviously, if she wanders around the world on a whim you are not compatable...

 

But, whether she is a secretary, a physician, a hairstylist, or a corporate lawyer - it does not matter. If she is a good person, who is interesting, a good conversationalist, and fun to be with - don't worry about her job...

 

All you need is a woman who is employed and who works hours that are somewhat similar to yours (such that you will be able to find time to date).

 

You have got to get out of your head... Stop over analyzing this.