Am I in the wrong here?

[hannahl9811]

A guy I’ve been involved with for around 7 months now recently opened up to me about being diagnosed as bipolar and having clinical depression as well. I could tell there was something going on with him, but I appreciated him being open with me about his diagnoses.

 

About two weeks ago, after not really talking for awhile, we had a 5 hour long conversation and had made plans to see each other. I was so stoked. We were talking since that day (a Wednesday) until this past Saturday pretty consistently. However, every plan we made to hang fell through. Even though the plans fell through, we kept talking anyways and were having happy conversations.

 

Yesterday I reached out to him only to be left on read, which I didn’t take to heart. I reached out again today, telling him I hope he has a good today, and was left on read again.

 

I guess I just need to know if I’m overthinking this? This sort of thing happens pretty routinely and every time I feel as though I did something wrong. I can’t help but get very sad because I feel like I finally am communicating with him and then suddenly he’s ignoring me again. Could this have to do with his diagnoses? Am I doing something wrong?

[SunnyWeather]

A guy I’ve been involved with for around 7 months now recently opened up to me about being diagnosed as bipolar and having clinical depression as well. I could tell there was something going on with him, but I appreciated him being open with me about his diagnoses.

 

About two weeks ago, after not really talking for awhile, we had a 5 hour long conversation and had made plans to see each other. I was so stoked. We were talking since that day (a Wednesday) until this past Saturday pretty consistently. However, every plan we made to hang fell through. Even though the plans fell through, we kept talking anyways and were having happy conversations.

 

Yesterday I reached out to him only to be left on read, which I didn’t take to heart. I reached out again today, telling him I hope he has a good today, and was left on read again.

 

I guess I just need to know if I’m overthinking this? This sort of thing happens pretty routinely and every time I feel as though I did something wrong. I can’t help but get very sad because I feel like I finally am communicating with him and then suddenly he’s ignoring me again. Could this have to do with his diagnoses? Am I doing something wrong?

 

It's not clear in your post as to what level you two are 'involved' with each other, but yes, his behavior is consistent with BP and depression, but it's also consistent with someone who is not available to be in a relationship.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the heavy lifting in what is an unclear ly defined relationship. What are you getting out of this dynamic?

[hannahl9811]

It's not clear in your post as to what level you two are 'involved' with each other, but yes, his behavior is consistent with BP and depression, but it's also consistent with someone who is not available to be in a relationship.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the heavy lifting in what is an unclear ly defined relationship. What are you getting out of this dynamic?

 

Just to make it clear, it’s been very laidback. We do not see each other frequently, but every time we do see each other, he talks more and more heavily about potentially dating me eventually. Still haven’t gotten to that point, however.

[SunnyWeather]

Just to make it clear, it’s been very laidback. We do not see each other frequently, but every time we do see each other, he talks more and more heavily about potentially dating me eventually. Still haven’t gotten to that point, however.

 

oh good lord, what exactly are you hanging onto here? the potential, the maybe, the we'll see???

 

Like I wrote previously, for whatever reason--and his state of mind clearly factoring in--he's not available, whether for friendship (which doesn't sound like what you are hoping for) or anything resembling a romantic interest.

 

You are not overthinking this, you are missing what is happening here, which is a whole lot of wishful thinking.

[Zahara]

Just to make it clear, it’s been very laidback. We do not see each other frequently, but every time we do see each other, he talks more and more heavily about potentially dating me eventually. Still haven’t gotten to that point, however.

 

Never date or hope to date men that are emotionally unavailable. You're setting yourself up for pain and disappointment.

 

You want to date -- seek men that are emotionally present and in search of what you want.

[Gretchen12]

NO you didn't do anything wrong. He probably appreciates you being there and being so understanding. But know that this is your role: giver. You do the reaching out and waiting and wondering. While he gets to feel he's not alone. It's fine as long as you know this is the deal. If you want more then you won't be able to handle it. You need to be able to tolerate a lot and receive nothing in return. I prefer to just go volunteer somewhere.

[SunnyWeather]

NO you didn't do anything wrong. He probably appreciates you being there and being so understanding. But know that this is your role: giver. You do the reaching out and waiting and wondering. While he gets to feel he's not alone. It's fine as long as you know this is the deal. If you want more then you won't be able to handle it. You need to be able to tolerate a lot and receive nothing in return. I prefer to just go volunteer somewhere.

 

well said

 

 

*liked*

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to make it clear, it’s been very laidback. We do not see each other frequently, but every time we do see each other, he talks more and more heavily about potentially dating me eventually. Still haven’t gotten to that point, however.

 

Girl, no. Do you not realize how that sounds? And what it actually means?

 

"Potentially dating eventually" = not going to date you, but don't want you to disappear completely in case I feel like some attention and affection.

 

Why are you still hanging on? You're an option to him, not a priority. After 7 months, it's time for you to move on to someone who wants what you want, and can actually offer that to you. Not just say he may potentially offer it to you. Eventually.

[MidwestUSA]

Girl, no. Do you not realize how that sounds? And what it actually means?

 

"Potentially dating eventually" = not going to date you, but don't want you to disappear completely in case I feel like some attention and affection.

 

Or when I need a therapy session.

 

Don't be a fixer, OP.

[hannahl9811]

Girl, no. Do you not realize how that sounds? And what it actually means?

 

"Potentially dating eventually" = not going to date you, but don't want you to disappear completely in case I feel like some attention and affection.

 

Why are you still hanging on? You're an option to him, not a priority. After 7 months, it's time for you to move on to someone who wants what you want, and can actually offer that to you. Not just say he may potentially offer it to you. Eventually.

 

I just want to clarify that I know what he is doing. I know I’ve been on the back burner for months now. I’m well aware of this, and in between seeing him I’ve been going on dates with other guys. I’ll basically have moved on and then he’ll come back and talk to him. My question was whether or not this is due to his diagnoses. Not if he’s keeping me as an option.

[Zahara]

I just want to clarify that I know what he is doing. I know I’ve been on the back burner for months now. I’m well aware of this, and in between seeing him I’ve been going on dates with other guys. I’ll basically have moved on and then he’ll come back and talk to him. My question was whether or not this is due to his diagnoses. Not if he’s keeping me as an option.

 

Does it matter whether you're on the backburner because of his diagnosis or an option? The end result is the same.

 

If it was because of his diagnosis, do you think you're going to change his disorder and by some miracle he'll one day be emotionally available to you? What he has takes therapy, time and effort to manage. He's not going to suddenly change and give you the relationship you want.

 

If you want to date other men and be open to opportunities that are available to you, then you need to stop letting this man derail you. You can't be available to others if you're emotionally distracted by this guy.

[MidwestUSA]

I just want to clarify that I know what he is doing. I know I’ve been on the back burner for months now. I’m well aware of this, and in between seeing him I’ve been going on dates with other guys. I’ll basically have moved on and then he’ll come back and talk to him. My question was whether or not this is due to his diagnoses. Not if he’s keeping me as an option.

 

He's probably not even aware of what position he has you in. Who's to say he's following doctor's orders for his treatment plan?

 

So yes, it could very well be related to his diagnoses. Just realize that if he makes contact, he'll surely slack off again.

 

 

Keep going out with others. In time, you'll forget him. If he makes contact, it won't even occur to you to engage, and you'll find the strength to block him.

[basil67]

It's irrelevant whether or not his behaviour is due to his dx. What matters is whether or not his behaviour meets your needs.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just want to clarify that I know what he is doing. I know I’ve been on the back burner for months now. I’m well aware of this, and in between seeing him I’ve been going on dates with other guys. I’ll basically have moved on and then he’ll come back and talk to him. My question was whether or not this is due to his diagnoses. Not if he’s keeping me as an option.

 

What difference does that make, really?

 

Does it make it a less unsatisfying dating experience? Easier to manage the feeling of disappointment that it's not going anywhere?

[smackie9]

You should be asking yourself is your dating experience with him good or not. It's not, so you shouldn't be dating him. Doesn't matter why, what matters is how he is treating you.