Jump to content

A "red" flag or just anxiety?


Lost400

Recommended Posts

I lost my husband 7 years ago and needless to say, it was and continues to be traumatic. He was my best friend, spouse and all of the rest. We built a beautiful life over almost 30 years with 2 beautiful children.

 

 

I dated many people after the first year or so, but somehow it never feels right all of the time. By this I mean that I could enjoy myself for dinner and even a short trip with my partner but afterwards I'll always feel empty and anxious about moving forward in the future (long term, like rest of my life) despite how I cared for the person. One in particular has been someone I've known for many years and we have dated but I have broken up with him a few times after I realized that while he is very loving and we have a great time together, I don't think he is the "most compatible" one for the future due to our financial differences (i.e., he will need to work much longer than me and has very limited funds vs. I can retire soon and be comfortable with the earnings and savings I have made all my life along with some money my late husband left me).

 

 

So my question is: I do love the man I've been dating for the last several years despite our breakups and we always reconcile after a short break. The last time I was determined to make it work. Now that we've been together for the last few months; the beginning was wonderful (I really missed him and vice versa) and I needed that love in my life so badly. But, I'm really worried that our financial differences may come back to haunt me.

 

 

For example, my family who I don't see any more than once a year due to distance, invited me, my son and my bf for Thanksgiving out of town and both me and my son don't have work that day or the next day but because my bf has to work the day after Thanksgiving (and the following day as well), he said we should stay in town and go to his daughter's house. I asked him if he can take off at least that Friday and he said it will be a busy day (he works retail). Frankly, I'm disappointed because I don't know when I'll see my family again and I have a large family.

 

 

I realize we need to make sacrifices for our relationships to work but is this reasonable to expect me and my son to miss our family holiday?

 

 

Another example is travel. He is very limited in terms of time off of work and how much he can spend (we split the cost) so any travel is limited to a night or two every now and then and usually only because we are invited to an event of his friends or family. I used to travel with my late husband and that was my (and his) great joy in life (besides our kids). We took off 10 days every year and went to Europe, etc. Our travel was cut short by his illness and we never got to the places we wanted to (and I still do).

 

 

As a matter of further background, I am 61 and my bf is 66.

 

 

Am I seeing "reality" now and if so, what is the right thing to do (for me)? I am sick of searching for the "right" one on the dating sites, etc. No one makes me feel as loved as my current bf. Your advice is appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Go see your family. I lost my mom and dad both in the last three years. Nothing is as important as family.

 

At 66, still working retail, I'm sorry - your bf will never measure up to what you're looking for from the standpoint of financial security. Are you okay with that?

 

You have two choices. Keep things as is, you do your thing, he does his. Or combine households/finances, and basically help support him. I really don't recommend that second option. Could you be happy with never marrying again? (Not that you have to be married to share a household). But if you were to tie yourself to him by marriage, he could drain you in a heartbeat - one serious illness, etc.

 

As far as holidays, rotating should be an option. You can stay in town and see his family ANY time. Don't hold yourself back from doing the things you've earned the right to do. I expect Christmas will be the same, with him in retail. As a nurse, I worked a lot of weekends and holidays; in my first marriage, we simply celebrated on whatever close weekend worked for us. I haven't celebrated anything on the actual date of a holiday in over twenty years.

 

Yes, it's hard to find love. Do you sense any resentment from him about the 'edge' you have over him? His current position is a result of his choices in life. And you shouldn't have to suffer from them. Yes, he may have been dealt a bad hand, but......

 

You may find a way to make it work, if he's not a sinking ship and threatening to take you down with him. Finances are a huge source of conflict in relationships. They get worse if you proceed to marriage. I'm going through it now, and hindsight isn't helping one bit.

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. Hugs.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry for your loss of your husband of so many years. It sounds like you shared many wonderful experiences.

 

No two relationships are the same, so try to not make comparisons. Appreciate the man you're currently seeing for his own unique qualities.

 

Go see your family, you don't have to do everything together. Missing out on things like this family occasion will only lead to you having resentments against him, even if you don't let yourself fully recognize them (until they blow up some day).

 

Don't co-mingle your finances, you aren't going to be raising a family together, there's no reason to have joint funds.

 

Travel with friends or family members, again, you don't have to do everything together. Enjoy your trips with him as fits in his budget and time, but go on additional trips as you desire.

 

Accept your BF as he is (at this point neither of you are going to change) and build a life together based on what you and he are as a couple. Again, don't compare him or your relationship to what you had before.

 

Enjoy the love you share with him :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow - the replies above mine are great! Good points.

 

This current relationship is a complete, new, different event and experience than your earlier marriage. You two are not going to have children and raise a family. You two are not going to watch grandparents, siblings, cousins, and nieces and nephews grow from children through adult hood, or young adults through maturity.

 

The whole purpose and framework of this relationship is unique and distinct from the familiar reference of your long (and I am happy to hear) good marriage.

 

Think about what you would like from this relationship going forward.

 

So - what do you hope to enjoy the rest of your life? If you hope to enjoy love, I would strongly, warmly encourage you to accept your boyfriend and his love.

 

I would also strongly, warmly encourage you to consider, and talk about your differences and priorities in life. If you and your boyfriend can each be happy with a realistic future, then get close and enjoy it.

 

I think it is only right for you to visit your family when you can, especially as it happens so rarely. Your boyfriend is not your life-long spouse, and you are within your discretion to visit your family on occasion without him. Invite him. If he can't make the trip, or must come back early, no problem. If he visits for 3 days, and you stay a week longer, he still is in your life and enriching both of your lives.

 

If he feels abandoned or neglected with this approach, then I would say, no, you should consider cutting him loose. Your relationship with him should enrich and warm both your lives over all. If it prohibits you from enjoying your family, or some reasonable travel, then I feel the balance is questionable.

 

As far as trips go - go!

 

It is of course your personal perspective that should influence your decision, but if you would enjoy your trips to Europe more, I don't know why you couldn't pay for the bulk of the trip and your boyfriend pay for his airfare and some meals for instance. Your hotels and taxi's would be about the same with him or without him, and trains aren't expensive in my opinion.

 

If he is unwilling or unable to take time off work for some of the trips, go with a friend, but do go. Again, if he feels neglected or offended at this, I personally would question the relationship. But if you don't invite him, then I feel that would be a cold turn on your part.

 

Love is rare. Other things (in my opinion) are more replaceable than the warmth of a loving partner.

 

Over all, this seems quite solvable compared to living your life alone, or the chances of finding someone you share love with that has more money, is available now, in your area, etc., etc.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

 

 

P.S. However - if the reason for your earlier break ups is that you cannot peaceably accept the difference in finances, and you feel cheated when you pay for him, or you two can't rationally find a way for you to visit your family without him feeling offended, then consider calling it off.

Edited by Sunlight72
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...